If someone is inconsiderate of you, or walks all over you, do you smile politely while quietly seething underneath?
Do you find yourself catering for others needs and even whims even when there is no real reciprocation on their part? (for example Angela and Allan’s romance and relationship was based on lots of give and take. Angela gave – which included back rubs, complements and gifts, and Allan took, without ever thinking to reciprocate in any way)
Why am I a doormat?
Many doormats rationalize to themselves that they are taking the moral highroad in their relationships, that if they model kind and thoughtful behaviour towards their partner, he or she might also treat them in the same way, but more often than not, this does not result in a more considerate partner, but rather a more self- centred one.
Too often long suffering partners find themselves with people who exploit them mercilessly.
An unbalanced relationship
If you find that in your relationship, you are doing all the giving and your partner is doing all the taking, you are in an unbalanced relationship.
It is important to understand why this happens for you.
While your endless tolerance might seem to be coming from a deep and abiding love, in fact it is almost certainly arising from fear.
You tendency not to say anything negative about your relationship, or to speak up about for your own needs and wants, and to just put up with what you are given, is borne of a number of fears. You can be fearful of anger from your partner, fearful of conflict, fearful of losing control, or fearful of emotional abandonment. These fears usually originate in your childhood experiences.
Having this awareness of why is the first step to doing something constructive about changing your situation.
How can you know if you are a people pleasing Door Mat?
There are 2 red flags to alert you that you are behaving as a Door mat.
1. You notice a tendency among the people around you to become increasingly selfish, exploitative and unfair.
2. You notice a growing disconnection between your own feelings and your actions, directly proportional to how badly you’re being treated. For example even though you continue to tolerate bad and selfish behaviour, you are beginning to feel hurt, resentful or even seething with underlying rage.
Listen to this underlying anger. It is telling you that what you are doing is not good for you; that on a deeper level your psyche is railing against this unfair and unkind treatment.
Often those who are doormats worry that the only alternative to grovelling niceness is aggressive dominance, but this is not the case. There is a middle ground called assertiveness, which is nether passive or aggressive, and it is the only healthy way to behave in a relationship.
The way forward to feeling happy in a healthy relationship involves 4 steps:
1.Honestly assess what is happening in your relationship and whether your relationship is balanced and fair or not (whether it be your partner or anyone else in your family, your friends or at work)
2. Express your truth authentically and firmly to this person.This might be that you are having a problem with his/her behaviour, stating your needs or wants in your relationship, or your views.
4. Be open to feedback without collapsing or abandoning your own perspective.
5. If your partner can not accept or tolerate your truth or needs or perspective when you have expressed them in a clear and firm manner, then you may wish to consider whether this person really has your best interests at heart, and begin to question your wisdom in continuing this relationship.
Often when you are trying to break the habits of a lifetime, you can need support in doing so. Our Psychologists Australia wide, are trained to help you through these passages and into more healthier and happier ways of being and relationships.
Both Relationship and Individual Counselling is available by our trained Psychologists in 60 locations Australia wide, in Sydney and all capital and large regional cities, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
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The latest research reveals that 22 – 40% of married men and 11 – 25 % of married women are involved in an affair at any one time.
An affair is seen as a violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract for emotional and or sexual exclusivity, and has a very destructive influence on the relationship. Understandably, affairs are one of the leading reasons for divorce.
Why do we have affairs?
Studies show that women tend more toward emotional affairs, and are usually more thoughtful and premeditated about starting an affair.
Men, on the other hand, tend to be more opportunistic, often while away from home, and more than 50% of them will do so even though they regard themselves as happy in their marriage.
Secrecy, deception and minimisation abound while an affair is taking place.
Can a relationship or marriage survive an affair?
The short answer is yes, but it takes a lot of work by both partners, particularly the partner who has cheated.
Counselling over at least the medium term is an absolute necessity in order to rebuild the trust and the relationship.
The affair must stop. The partner having the extra relationship must have no more contact, in any form if the marriage is to survive and rebuild.
The hurt partner must be given the opportunity to express their varied emotions ( shock, denial, hurt, anger, sadness, turmoil, betrayal, loss of face) while it is important for the affair partner to listen, accept and validate his or her feelings, and also provide reassurance that he or she indeed wants and values this relationship.
The affair partner must take on the responsibility to rebuild the trust by being transparent and accountable. This means comings and goings, be findable at all times and be willing to have phone and emails open to share with his or her partner. This needs to happen for as long as it takes for the partner to feel that the trust has been rebuilt.
Finding meaning. Both partners need to explore why this affair has happened so that it doesn’t reoccur again in the future.
Forgiveness. In order for this to occur, the partner having had the affair needs to feel a very high level of humility, and deep sorrow for what he or she has done, as well as true empathy for the hurt the partner has been put through. In addition, there needs to be a commitment and hope for a better future together. Only then is it possible for the other partner to be able to forgive fully.
Restructuring the relationship. In this stage the couple needs to work actively on fixing the problem and restoring and growing a healthy relationship so that the couple feel complete and whole.
I would urge you not to try and complete this process on your own. Almost all couples need help from a trained counsellor to successfully complete these steps.
If you would like help in working through this process you can use our Search box to the right of this page to find our Psychologist closest to you. We have experienced Relationship Psychologists in Sydney and all capital and large regional cities. Call us now for an appointment
Have you ever felt unloved by your partner, because they’re not showing you they love you in the way that is most meaningful for you?
If you’re like many people, often you may not realise that the way you most prefer to be ‘shown’ you’re loved, can be quite different to how your partner shows their love. It all comes down to your ‘love language’.
If you have ever felt your partner doesn’t love you, then it may be because he or she doesn’t have the same love languages as you do.
According to Gary Chapman, there are basically 5 love languages or ways that people express their love.
For most couples, these are different from each other.
When we are in a love relationship, we tend to speak our own primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating, or doesn’t feel our love.
When we can identify and also learn to speak our partners love language, we have the key to a truly loving relationship.
Often people can determine their own unique love language by reviewing the 5 below and recognising the one or two that are usually most important or meaningful for them. Have a look below and see what stands out for you, and have your partner do the same.
Here are the 5 Love Languages:
1. Words of affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. According to Dr. Chapman, this language uses words to affirm other people (how meaningful they are to us, how much we love them, how much we appreciate them, etc). For those who prefer the words of affirmation language, hearing “I love you” and other compliments are what they value the most. Words hold real value within this language. Furthermore, negative or insulting comments cut deep — and won’t be easily forgiven.
2. Quality time
This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. It also includes empathic conversations, sharing thoughts, feelings and desires in an open uninterrupted environment. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful to these individuals. Being there for them is crucial. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
3. Receiving gifts
Giving gifts are a symbol of thinking about your partner, and often are visual gifts of love. Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.
4. Acts of service
Can cleaning up the kitchen really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. These could include cooking a meal, washing dishes, changing the babies nappies, vacuuming the floor, cleaning the car. People who thrive on this language do not deal well with broken promises — or perceived laziness — and have very little tolerance for people who make more work for them.
5. Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. Physical touch is a powerful vehicle to expressing your love. These include, holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling, touching and making love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
How to determine your primary love language.
There are 3 methods of discovering what your primary Love Language is.
Ask yourself the following questions:
What does my partner do or fail to do that hurts me deeply? If your primary love language is used negatively by your spouse, it will hurt you more deeply than it will someone else, because not only is he neglecting to speak your primary love language, but he is actually using that language as a knife to your heart.
In what way do you regularly express your love for your partner? This is usually what you are wishing your partner would do for you.
What have you most often asked for from your partner? The thing you have most often asked for is likely to be the one that will make you feel most loved.
Once you know your partner’s love languages
Once you have identified the primary love language for each of you, it is important to give to your partner using their primary love language first and foremost.
Then both of you will feel whole-heartedly loved.
If you need help in discovering your love languages and/or communicating with your partner and ensuring that you both feel loved by each other, phone us for help. We have 70 Relationship Psychologists Australia wide who can assist you create a healthy and happy relationship again.
Both Relationship and Individual Counselling is available Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Cost: $175 – $195
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
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Here are some of the absolute essentials Harriet Lerner, a very experienced couples Therapist and renowned author on relationship feels is important to pay attention to:
1. Warm Things Up. Make at least two positive comments every day to your partner and speak about the specifics about what you admire (“I loved how funny you were at the party last night”). Make sure that your positive comments exceed critical ones by a healthy margin.
2. Dial down the criticism. Try to let all but the most important issues go by. When you have a criticism, make it in three sentences or less. Remember this: No one can survive in a marriage (at least not happily) if they feel more judged than admired.
3. Overcome Your Listening Deficit Disorder. Whole-hearted listening is the greatest gift you can give to your partner. Drop the defensiveness, and listen only to understand, without interrupting, correcting facts, or counter-punching. Save your defense for another conversation.
4. Be self-focused. Connect with friends and family, pursue your own interests, and be of service to others. If your primary energy isn’t directed to living your own life as well as possible, you’ll be over-focused on your partner in a worried or critical way.
5. Apologize. Offer the olive branch. You can say, “I’m sorry for my part of the problem” even if you’re secretly convinced that you’re only 28% to blame.
6. Don’t Demand an Apology. Don’t get into a tug of war about his failure to apologize. An entrenched non-apologizer may use a nonverbal way to try to defuse tension, reconnect after a fight, or show he’s in a new place and wants to move toward you. Accept the olive branch in whatever form it’s offered.
7. Sweat the Small Stuff. When you say you’ll do something, do it! Never assume that your overall contribution to the relationship compensates for failing to do what you have agreed to do, whether it’s picking up your socks or moving the boxes out of the garage by Sunday.
8. Stop the emotional pursuit. Under stress, don’t press. If you pursue a distancer, he or she will distance more. Consider it a fundamental law of physics. Focus less on your partner, and more on your own life plan. A distant partner is more likely to move toward you when he or she has breathing room and can see you taking good care of yourself.
9 Say it Shorter! A distant partner may avoid conversation because it feels awful to him or her. Sometimes the culprit is the sheer number of sentences and the intensity in our voice. Slow down your speech, turn down the volume, and lower the intensity.
11. Exit a conversation when you are on the receiving end of rude or demeaning treatment. You can say, “I’m giving myself a time out from this conversation. I’m here to listen when you can talk to me calmly and with respect.” Keep your actions congruent with these words.
12. Be a mystery. It’s comfortable and cozy when two people know absolutely everything about each other but we’re more likely to be drawn to a partner who has connections and a passion for life outside the relationship. So take a dance class, skiing lessons, or join a book group with friends. The more passion you show for life outside your marriage, the more zest you’ll find within it.
13. Make rules about technology. Agree on “time-out rules” from anything you’re prohibited from using during takeoff and landing in an airplane. For example, mobile phones off and out of sight during food preparation and eating meals and no answering land lines. No taking calls in the middle of a conversation or when people are visiting.
14. Initiate sex. If you are the distancer in bed, initiate sex once in a while even if you don’t feel like it. A long-term relationship won’t flourish if your partner is someone for whom sex is an enlivening essential force and you’re too unavailable. To decide you won’t be a physical partner because you don’t feel like it is like his (or her) deciding that there will be no more conversation because he’s not a talker. If you have a fair and good partner, there is probably something you can do that wouldn’t be too terribly difficult. (P.S. If you’re the pursuer in bed, back off.)
15. Work on relationships in your first family. Become a good questioner about family history, and observe and change your part in triangles and dysfunctional family patterns. You’ll stand on more solid ground with your partner if you navigate family-of-origin relationships with more creativity and less reactivity.
16.Start Small. Remember that it’s the direction of change that matters, and not the speed of travel. Real change sometimes occurs at glacial speed. Pick two rules from the above and stick with them. Your relationship thanks you in advance!
When you are feeling particularly upset or you feel a strong emotional charge toward something, either in your current life, or something that has been triggered from the past, there are usually a number of emotional levels to what you are feeling.
Unfortunately, most of us don’t know these exist, and move straight away into defensive behaviours like criticisms, blaming, arrogance, being dismissive, withdrawing, withholding, being stubborn or being precious, all of which cause relationship troubles.
So, it is of the utmost importance to be aware of, and communicate to your partner what is the whole truth of what you are feeling.
How do you communicate the whole truth?
To start with, it is often helpful to spend some time on your own writing your feelings down first, and then you can read what you have written to your partner.
As you get better at it, you may just be able to share with your partner, without having to write first.
These are the 6 levels to check in on:
Level 1.Anger and blame (I’m angry, annoyed that…)
Level 2.Hurt and sadness (I feel hurt that….)
Level 3. Fear and insecurity (I’m afraid that……)
Level 4.Responsibility (I realize I have contributed to this by………I’m sorry that I…….)
Level 5.Appreciation. (I appreciate that you have……)
Level 6. Ask for what you would like ( I would love it if…. ) (understanding that this is an ask, not a demand)
In summary
Telling the whole story is quite a simple process, but can take some practice.
One person starts by taking the time to write and then reads to his/her partner, or alternately, tells how they are feeling, starting with level 1 and working their way down to level 5.
Their partner listens and gives a summary back at each level.
This is a very powerful process that can open up a whole new way of understanding ourselves and being intimate with our partner, and provides for the very best of respectful resolutions.
If you need help to initiate this communication process with your partner, we can assist you. We have over 150 psychologists, relationship counsellors, couples therapists and sex therapists Australia wide who specialise in relationship counselling and are trained to help you get your relationship back into happy territory again.
Both Relationship and Individual Counselling is available, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
Over the last 2 years, in my Practice, I have seen a huge increase in the number of my relationship counselling clients citing Porn addiction as a key factor in their relationship problems and break down. So how normal is it to watch porn? When does porn watching become a porn addiction?
“Sex really matters to many men and women. The physiological drive in us is huge, and closely tied to it are our feelings of being loved, worthwhile and desired. Many sexually driven people, at some stage desperately struggle with “getting enough” sex.
During the last 15 years, the volume of porn available and the ease of accessing porn on the internet has grown exponentially. It is now estimated that 1 in 8 online searches are to porn sites.
For many porn watchers, porn’s promise of easy, commitment free, sexual gratification can be just too hard to resist, when pornographic images, videos and chats are available any time of the day or night.
And while very occasionally watching porn has no ill effects on relationships, many users of porn are often surprised at how easily porn use can change from an occasional diversion or fantasy to an habitual problem that has the potential to destroy almost every aspect of their real lives. But how often do you have to watch porn until it becomes a porn addiction?
Many will be surprised to know that regular porn use or porn addiction is a serious relationship issue, as it has serious effects on the user’s inner life, as well as his/her interaction with their partner and other family members. There’s nothing virtual about the damage pornography can do to a relationship.
A recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers has found that 56% of divorce cases involved one partner who had an obsessive interest in pornography websites or even a developed porn addiction problem.
While pornography is used by both men and women, there is little doubt that it is primarily men who become hooked on it. Men’s brains are wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of their brains and has a long lasting effect on their thoughts and lives.
Many people don’t realize they have a porn watching problem until there is either a consequence, like losing a job or embarrassment from someone catching them, or they try to stop watching porn and find it more difficult to stop than they originally thought it would be.
It is very easy to deceive yourself into minimising the extent of the problem.
Many porn addicts think they can keep their porn use separate from their relationship, but it is almost impossible to be a porn user without it having serious repercussions on their partner and on their relationship.
Unfortunately, rather than creating eroticism in their relationship, porn winds up creating an object that competes with their partner for erotic value.
Does watching Porn help spice up your sex life?
While occasionally watching porn with your partner can help get you in the mood for sex, regularly watching porn on your own actually decreases your sexual satisfaction. Fantasising and masturbating to porn enables you to gratify yourself instead of finding fulfilment being intimate with another person.
Over time, real sex and lovemaking situations seem boring, and eventually many men can get to the point where they start suffering erection problems and delays and/or can’t perform without fantasising about a porn scene.
Do you confuse Sex with Intimacy?
When we are teenagers our society bombards us with many mixed messages about sex.
When we are young, puberty is a time of discovering the stimulation and delights of the opposite’s sex and is usually when we discover physical attraction to others. The natural progression is to grow from this stage to gradually discover that intimacy and true connection are superior to focusing solely on the opposite as sexually consumable objects.
If, however, you continue to objectify the physical act of sex, you then can continue to make sex more about compulsive behaviour and bodies, rather than intimacy.
If you get stuck at this point, you can confuse sex with intimacy, which doesn’t allow you the possibility of a sexual connection that is so intimate, it can be both deep and spectacular. You can’t reach this ecstatic and rewarding state if you remain caught in the adolescent mindset interested only in body parts.
Julie Hart & Dr William Struthers – The 3 Pleasure Systems:
New study shows Porn use leads to cheating
A University of Central Florida study just released in March 2013 has found that people in committed relationships who view porn are more likely to cheat on their partners than those who don’t. The results indicate that porn offers the illusion of no-strings attached sexual gratification with multiple highly attractive partners. These erotic images program the user’s brain to assume that there are plenty of attractive and willing sexual partners available outside their current relationships, the researchers found.
Other recent studies are showing a new and worrying phenomenon emerging ; that of a growing number of young men in their 20′s and 30′s who are pornography users who are complaining of sluggish erections, delayed ejaculation, and having difficulty being turned on by their real partners, even though they find them attractive.
Threads relating to these themes are springing up all over the web on sites relating to bodybuilding and medical help in countries all over the world.
Research by “Your brain on Porn” scientists have shown that heavy porn users are noticing:
– lack of spontaneous erections
– difficulty in becoming aroused with their real partner, or even previously watched porn
– difficulty maintaining an erection with a real partner
Most commonly these young men aren’t discussing these problems with each other, as it can be very difficult to admit to erectile dysfunction particularly in your 20′s.
Why watch porn?
Not only is porn and “fantasy solo sex” the easiest sex available, but by using porn you can fantasise that you are desired by eager, seductive and sexy women. It can give you the illusion of being powerful and in control – you can have control over the sexual action; you don’t have to beg for sex; you can have sex when you want; with the kind of person you want, and in exactly the way you want.
You don’t have to adjust your behaviour in any way. In your fantasy you can be the conquerer without doing anything.
If you have been exposed to porn early in life, this also raises the chances of you continuing to turn to porn when stressed or bored.
Julie Hart & Dr William Struthers – How’s Your Sexual Performance?
How does porn viewing affect your partner (before she finds out)?
There are 2 very common symptoms a partner may notice in her relationship often before she really knows why.
Firstly she often notices a decrease in sexual desire for her. This is because much of your sexual attention and energy is being poured into fantasy images on the screen.
Secondly she may notice that when you do have sex, it leaves her feeling more like a sex object than a lover, or even a person. She may feel pressured into more impersonal and ritualistic kinds of sex that she may not feel comfortable with. As a result, she may feel awkward and sometimes traumatized if complying with these expectations, or alienated and angry if she says no to these demands.
Additionally, as all orgasms result in the secretion of oxytocin, your orgasms during porn activity lead to bonding with these screen images rather than her. This leads to her often sensing an emotional distance and a general feeling of not being close.
Some partners are also criticized about their bodies, their appearance or sexual performance, as they often do not look like the images on the screen, and this can seriously affect their self-esteem and reduce their interest in sex and lovemaking.
Because using porn usually involves high levels of secrecy, and dishonesty, a partner may also subtly feel that not all is as it seems, even if she can’t put her finger on it.
Increasingly over time, a partner will feel a decline in real sex and intimacy, as the porn user is not available for the kind of intimate lovemaking that she desires.
How does the partner feel when she finds out?
One woman described it as this “It spread from a sick feeling in my stomach up to a choking heaviness in my chest, as I realised that my husband was, in his mind, having sex with the stranger on the screen. He was so engrossed in this that he hadn’t noticed my presence there. He was in another world and seemed a different man, one I didn’t even know”
If and when his porn use is discovered by his partner, it can feel like an emotional trauma inflicted on their relationship. She usually feels a combination of anger, helplessness and numbness.
She can feel she is not only reacting to the pornography but is also deeply affected by the secrecy, hiding and lying that accompanies the porn use.
Partners can also be affected by then feeling insecure in their relationship, some who then feel they need to compete with the porn actresses in the screen. More commonly, some partners will pull away to protect themselves.
Unfortunately most men don’t understand the impact this has on their partner, and want their partner to accept it and not make an issue of it, without realizing that they have created a huge relationship problem.
Rationalisations you may use to keep your porn use going without it becoming a porn addiction:
1. You may think you are entitled to it, because you work hard and as a result you deserve special treatment.
2. You may rationalise that your wife not liking it is just her trying to restrict your freedom.
3. You may think that if you keep it to yourself, no-one else will know or be hurt.
4. You may even deceive yourself with respect to your motives, your frequency of use and the depth of problem you do in fact have.
5. You may play the victim and blame your spouse for not wanting to have sex as often you as you do as a legitimate reason for viewing porn.
6. It may be difficult to acknowledge that you are not right on this one, if being right is part of your identity.
7. You may rationalise that the porn actresses are just models and not human beings.
8. You can begin to believe that your life stress is a justifiable cause for your porn use.
Porn addiction over time
Porn’s focus on power reinforces a self-centred approach to sex which can and does cause all kinds of problems in real life.
It takes time and energy away from your existing intimate relationship, and usually you need to be secretive about it.
Also the mental images and scenarios of porn can keep playing in your mind during sex with your partner which makes it difficult to feel connected and intimate with the real person that your partner is.
The Porn Addiction cycle – Porn can actually rewire your brain
Porn’s power comes from its ability to provide an experience of sexual stimulation coupled with immediate gratification.
It overloads the brain with the “feel good” chemicals of dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins and serotonin to give you a drug- like high, but unfortunately also reduces your body’s own ability to produce them under normal life circumstances.
This is one of the reasons a porn user may need higher levels of sexual stimulation and excitement to become aroused and satisfied.
Porn’s power to produce experiences of excitement, relaxation and escape from pain is why it can become so highly addictive.
Over time, you can come to depend on it to feel good, and then require it so you don’t feel bad. And then the addiction cycle has begun.
Cravings, pre-occupations, and out-of-control behavior with using it can become common.
Porn sex can become your greatest need. It can become your “significant other” who you turn to both emotionally and physically.
As a result of viewing porn regularly it is easy to become preoccupied with sex, develop problematic sexual desires and also experience sexual functioning problems.
The 9 Symptoms of porn addiction:
As Porn becomes something you rely on more and more, you may experience 9 other symptoms:
You may become easily irritated and depressed
You become socially isolated from other people
You find yourself seeing others only as sex objects
You begin to neglect other important areas of your life
You start having any number of problems with sex with a real person
The number of these criteria that you have answered yes to will determine your degree of addiction.
The Porn Addiction continuum:
Dr Kevin Skinner has identified a continuum which helps you place yourself in terms of the seriousness of your porn use and addiction:
Level 1: View porn once of twice a year, as a random act or an accident. Your thoughts and everyday actions are not focused on porn. (Not an addiction)
Level 2: View porn up to 6 times a year, with a growing curiosity. Minimal fantasies. Time spent thinking about porn is minimal. (Not an addiction)
Level 3: View porn approximately once a month. Start to fantasize often. Will feel some withdrawal if you don’t give in. (Borderline addiction)
Level 4: View porn a few times a month and more hard core porn. This is impacting your work focus, relationship, family life. Fantasizing has increased. There are an increase in withdrawal symptoms (restlessness, irritability, insomnia etc). Usually feel more involved in porn than you want to be. Usually have tried to stop many times without success. (Addiction)
Level 5: View porn 3 to 5 times a week. Porn and sex are among the top things you think about every day. Significant amount of time spent fantasizing about porn. Often feeling consumed and overwhelmed and suffer intense withdrawal symptoms when you try to stop. Feel more involved than you want but don’t know how to stop on your own. Feeling hopeless.(Intense addiction)
Level 6: View almost every day. Porn dominatesyour life. It is a compulsive addiction and you feel out of control. By this stage you have generally suffered loss in your life due to porn use, and have either completely given up, or have a strong desire to stop viewing. Often feel hopeless, which creates sadness and depression which leads to further porn viewing. (Serious Addiction)
Level 7: View every day compulsively and acting out sexually. Porn images are often hardcore and filled with violence, rape, incest, bestiality and other extreme hardcore material. Feeling completely out of control. Work, relationships, families and every aspect of your life has been adversely affected. Many have been court ordered to seek help. (Very serious Addiction)
If you find yourself or your partner at Level 4 or above, then I encourage you to seek help in resolving your addiction. It is certainly the case that the sooner you can gain help, the easier the process is.
Unfortunately the most common response to the discovery of the problems associated with porn use is denial that it exists at all, or avoidance, and pretending that it is not really a problem at all.
Some may refuse to talk about it, or promise never to do it again. Others may go on the defensive and verbally attack the partner who has called his attention to it.
Some choose to take a break for a while, thinking that this will make the problem go away. Others may change how they access porn and what type of porn they use.
However, any of these strategies never work for long, and in time, the serious consequences eventually grow, multiply and exacerbate each other.
Julie Hart & Dr William Struthers – Porn Addiction:
Bob’s story
“In many ways, Bob was considered a good father and what many people thought was as a nice guy. But he was caught by his compulsion. The internet had him by the balls. He just could not stop.
Bob got up from the couch, excused himself from his family, and walked down the hall into his oak panelled office. Already lost in his addiction, his mind was cluttered with images of what he was going to see on the computer screen.
Bob was in such a hurry that he quickly shut the door behind him, neglecting to turn the lock.
He rushed to his large desk, sat in his luxury office chair, and flipped on the monitor. Out the window was an incredible view of the mountains, but Bob didn’t see it. His eyes saw only the computer screen as his fingers quickly reached the website he wanted. Having been there so many times, he was able to quickly sign in and navigate to a specific video.
Bob pulled down his sweatpants so his genitals were exposed. He moved into just the right position in the chair and began his very familiar ritual of masturbating to these types of images and videos.
He had seen hundreds over the years. His wife had caught him 3 times, and the last time she had said that the next time wold be “it” for their marriage. Bob had tried to stop, but didn’t. So here he was again, thinking of nothing else but the images on the screen.
On his monitor was a video of a young woman being forcefully held down and sodomized by three men in masks. Although Bob had never done this in real life (and lost likely never would) watching domination is what got him the most turned on. His right hand in motion, Bob got more and more excited. He was lost. Gone. And he didn’t hear the door start to open.
Just as Bob began to climax, his 10 year old daughter opened the door and stood there, motionless, shocked and terrified at the sight of her father ejaculating to the horrendous images on the computer monitor. She rang screaming to her mother.
Bob no longer lives at that house.
His wife had warned him that he was down to his last chance, and her lawyer showed no mercy toward Bob, not after what his daughter had seen.
4 years later, his daughter was still in therapy and Bob only had supervised visits with her. His ex-wife was still so angry that she communicated with him only through her lawyer.”
You cant get enough of what won’t satisfy you.
When you objectify and sexualise people, it ends up being a negative process that yields only a few minutes of excitement, and a brief orgasm, but then follows hours, days and weeks of fear, shame, self doubt and criticism.
Such is the nature of an addiction. Over time, it feel less and less truly satisfying.
What would it take for you to reach Rock Bottom?
George Collins, an ex porn addict, and now a Director of a Pornography Addictions clinic, suggests that sooner or later all porn addicts hit rock bottom. He suggests that there is a “High” rock bottom and a “Low” rock bottom. The “Low” rock bottom is when you get caught; get arrested, or found out by your wife or workplace and your life is in ruins.
A “High” rock bottom is when you have the forethought and the courage to choose to get help before the inevitable happens.
How do I quit porn?
When you decide to quit porn, it is usually because you have made an active decision to have something better in your life; a deeper relationship with your partner, a sense of personal integrity and a desire to be respected by your family and the community.
The decision to quit porn is a positive life affirming milestone in a person’s life. It represents a new level of self-responsibility and maturity.
But, it is not an easy process and does require commitment and professional help, as it is almost impossible to change and maintain the changes over time on your own.
With the help of a Psychologist, there are 9 stages or strategies that are essential to your quitting the porn habit:
Start healing your sexuality and rebuild your sexual relationship with your partner
Healing your relationship after porn addiction
Porn use can have profound consequences on a relationship and so it takes time to heal the damage to your intimacy caused by it. This can only happen when both partners take steps to re-establish honesty, trust, communication and affection in the relationship.
There are 4 important steps that you need to take to heal the damage of porn addiction to your relationship:
You will be able to grow towards seeing a deeper level of beauty in your partner which is immensely more satisfying than a surface experience. It is a beauty that you can get enough of, that truly satisfies you.
Intimacy oriented sex allows you to explore dimensions of sexual experience that are not possible with porn, such as whole-body sensuality, self- respect, trust, warmth, playfulness, laughter, nurturing touch and profound and real love; the ultimate in passion and sexiness.
By taking the time to know and like your partner, your sexual experience comes from genuine feelings of affection and appreciation. Sex and sexual encounters are fun, pleasurable and mutually satisfying, and are integrated into your relationship as a whole.
If you would like help in quitting your porn habit, healing your relationship and building a newer better more rewarding sexual relationship with your partner, please give us a ring.
Confidential Relationship and Individual Counselling and Sex Therapy is available by our trained Psychologists
in multiple locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Private Health Insurance Rebates and Medicare Rebates apply (please check for details)
To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Julie Hart
(adapted from “The Porn Trap”. Wendy and Larry Maltz, and ”Breaking the Cycle” by George Collins)
Shared rituals both large and small play an incredibly important part in each partner’s sense that the relationship is safe and supportive. They also give the relationship a sense of continuity, along with a regular sense of connection that stays intact even in the face of the busy-ness of everyday life. They also give both partners something to look forward to.
Anything can be a connection ritual as long as it’s important to both of you: A particular kind of exercise, a favorite TV show, even a household chore done together — the most important thing about having rituals is that they’re important to both of you.
Following are some rituals, both informal and formal, that I invite you to discuss with each other.
Are any of these worth adopting? Being aware of (and guarding) your connection rituals is a powerful ingredient in sustaining a good relationship.
Normal Life Rituals
Mealtimes:
Regularly eat at least one meal a day together, with cell phones and TV turned off, in order to easily talk with each other or with the family.
When leaving the house:
Always find your partner and give him or her a kiss, making sure you know at least one thing he or she will be doing while you’re away.
When arriving home:
Always make sure to find your partner and give him or her a long and loving kiss. Do this before you do anything else.
Talk time each night:
This is a high-priority ritual: Make sure to spend time every evening sitting and talking to one another about your day, sharing what you’re thinking and feeling, and catching up on family news. It can be helpful to meet in the same place.
Especially if you have children, it’s crucial for the two of you to schedule (and protect) a regular Date Night — preferably once a week, but at a minimum once every two or three weeks. It allows you to escape your everyday responsibilities and create romantic and special “couple time” together. Date Nights don’t have to be expensive — a picnic on a blanket under the moonlight costs no more than a meal at home. Take turns organizing these.
Weekends away:
A regular romantic weekend, even if it’s once every few months, is a powerful, relaxing connection ritual. Again, it need not be expensive; take turns planning them.
Special Circumstance Rituals
When one of you is sick:
For most couples, how their partner cares for them when they’re sick or feeling vulnerable is important. Are you someone who likes a lot of attention, or do you prefer being left alone? Talking through this in advance allows you to best provide for each other when the time comes.
Celebrations:
A promotion, a milestone, a personal goal: When one of you has achieved success, how do you celebrate it? Do you create a culture of praise for and with each other and your family?
Bad luck, failures, or exhaustion:
How do you support one another when one of you is stressed out, exhausted, or experiencing failure? Do you acknowledge his or her difficulty? Does the other step up and carry more of the load? (There are no right or wrong answers to these questions.) How do each of you prefer to be supported in tough times?
Entertaining:
Do you have an agreement and a divided workload for entertaining visitors? Who cooks? Who cleans? What do you do together? How often do you entertain? How late does it go? Do you clean up at night or in the morning? Do you wait for each other to go to bed, or not? What do each of your prefer?
Keeping in touch with friends and family:
Do you have particular rituals around staying in touch with friends and family? Who contacts whom? How long between catch-ups? Do you do the same routine each time or change it up?
Making love:
With the daily schedules of life (and particularly with children), making time to make love can be difficult, particularly if you believe sex and lovemaking should be spontaneous. Research has shown that you’ll have a better sex life if you make love regularly, so it can be a good idea to plan a “sex date” together at least one night a week. For many couples, this can often coincide with Date Night; for others, late afternoon on the weekend might be a better time.
Vacations:
How do you take vacations as a couple? Who comes up with the idea? Who organizes the details? Do you always travel together, or do you sometimes go places alone? Do the two of you prefer active or relaxing holidays, or some of both? Is it okay to work on vacation? Do each of you have time to “do your own thing”?
Birthdays and anniversaries:
How do you celebrate these important events? For the two of you as a couple, what’s the norm (and the budget) for of gift-giving, going out, and trips away? Are there particularly special ones to acknowledge? Would you like these celebrations to be different in any way?
What has made you interested in helping couples with their relationships? As a psychologist and a family therapist I have found that we can at times underestimate the importance of healthy and fulfilling relationships and the impact that they have on our mental and physical wellbeing. I was initially trained as a psychologist to treat individuals and not couples in therapy but most of what affects individuals occurs in the context of relationships and family. Working as a relationship counsellor provides a holistic process and the opportunity to resolve issues using a whole system approach. Relationship counselling Sydney.
What do you find are the most common relationships problems that you see in couples coming in to see you? By far the most common problem in couples seeking counselling is to assist with managing and learning to minimise conflict and arguments. It is common for many couples to have conflict or arguments but when this becomes a chronic a negative interaction pattern can become entrenched. It can be helpful for couples to have professional therapy to learn to recognise and change these entrenched patterns of behaviour. Relationship counselling Sydney.
What are the most common problems for women in relationships? Frequently women report that they are not being heard by their partner. By this I mean that they are not being understood and cannot get their message across in a way that can facilitate communication. Another related area of concern commonly reported by women is that their partner does not understand that their expression of emotion is normal and even healthy. Men sometimes do not know how to respond this and tend to either try to fix the issue or disengage as they may, for example, feel powerless to affect or change the concerns raised.
What are the most common problems for men in relationships? I have found that many men feel that their partner has misinterpreted their intentions. They may not be able to express their feelings and intentions well. They may express anger or that they withdraw emotionally in response to feelings of helplessness which many people find extremely uncomfortable to sit with. A significant number of men may find it difficult to express their feelings and this can lead to a sense of emotional disconnection in their relationship.
What would you like couple clients to know about the couple counselling process before they come in? I would like them to know that the counselling process is a process. There will be an opportunity to explore in detail the issues and patterns which have affected the relationship and the issues which are concerning each individual. It is important to be clear that while the therapist has had specific training in relationships and providing therapy to couples, the therapist’s role is to guide and encourage insight, not to give advice or take the side of either party in the relationship. The alliance with the couple is a therapeutic and cooperative relationship and which proceeds in accordance with the priorities and needs of the individual couple involved. I would like couples contemplating therapy to understand that while therapy can be challenging it does not need to be feared or the need to seek therapy viewed as a failure. Therapy is an opportunity to have a fair and equal opportunity to express their perspective in an atmosphere of non judgment.
If you had one word of advice for couples with children, what would it be? Teamwork. Relationship counselling Sydney.
What advice would you give to couples trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair? This is always a very difficult process to work through for couples. At the time many couples feel that there seems little hope that they can go on to rebuild their relationship. However I have found when couples are motivated to work through the issues and work on the rebuilding many can go forward in their relationship with a better understanding of the specific vulnerabilities and strengths in their partnership. Working through this process requires a lot of time, and a great deal of commitment from both partners. With this couples can go on to experience a stronger and more connected relationship.
What, for you, are the most important things that couples need to remember if they want their relationship to thrive, instead of just survive? Healthy and fulfilling relationships do not just happen. As a couple we each need to nurture, provide positive input and regard for our partner. No couple relationship is perfect but when we are mindful and proactive about what we value in a relationship, and we are also mindful and proactive about what our partner values then we are well on the way to a satisfying and emotionally emotional connected partnership. We cannot take for granted our relationship.
What proportion of your couple clients manage, with your help, to successfully recreate a happy relationship from the difficult one that they came in with? I have found that sometimes couples can manage to work through and change unhealthy habits and negativity in the relationship very quickly eliminated once they become aware it. For couples that are motivated and prepared to change their behaviour and also do the work at home the majority will benefit and learn to identify the triggers and factors that caused the issues in the first place. Once couples learn to work through the process of change and begin to connect again the success rate is very high. However at times couples come to the decision that they do not wish to continue in the relationship, or one partner is not motivated to continue the relationship. In this instance therapy can also be utilised to assist in managing conflict and agree on how to manage separation.
What do you find is the most satisfying and fulfilling part of this work that you do? The most fulfilling aspect of relationship counselling is that you have made a positive difference in terms of couple’s interactions. The most satisfying outcome for me would when a couple do not need to attend anymore as they have made the necessary changes in their relationship and are now connecting well. They can identify and communicate with each other about potential issues and resolve them on their own. I particular find it fulfilling when the improved relationship leads to improvement in the lives of the couple and their children. I work very hard to support couples and where there are children involved to explore with them the impacts on the larger family system to assist them shift in a positive direction.
What are 3 qualities that your friends and family would describe you as having? I asked my wife to answer this one, she identified loyal, caring, and determined.
What are 3 strengths that you have as a Psychologist? – Practical experience and specific post graduate training in the field of relationship and family counselling.
– The ability to develop rapport and help couples feel comfortable with the therapy process.
– Insight and empathy.
How many years experience do you have practicing/helping clients? I have been practicing for over 25 years. I have been employed in the past in the Department of Human Services as a Team Leader for a specialist Behavioural Intervention Team. Early in my career I have worked with families in crisis in my role as a Psychologist for Human Services in Victoria. I have been in Private Practice for over 10 years and have worked with individuals, couples and families.
If you would like to make a booking with this Psychologist or any of our other Psychologists, you are welcome to fill out an enquiry form here, or call our friendly receptionists on 1300 830 552.
When you decide to quit porn, it is usually because you have made an active decision to have something better in your life; a deeper relationship with your partner, a sense of personal integrity and a desire to be respected by your family and the community.
But, it is not an easy process and does require commitment and professional help, as it is almost impossible to change and maintain the changes over time on your own.
With the help of a Psychologist, there are 9 stages or strategies that are essential to your quitting the porn habit:
Narcissism is based on an inflated “false self”, which has developed as a result of a developmental arrest in childhood. As a child, he/she withdrew inwards and resorted to grandiose fantasies of being superior, special, perfectly loved, self-sufficient and self-important.
This was to cover the vulnerability, self-doubt and worthlessness that was at his/her core.
To keep his grandiose “false self” alive in his mind and his fears of abandonment at bay, he/she is in constant search for sources of narcissistic supply, an abundant “fan club”, which will supply him/her with positive attention, adulation and appreciation, and if that is not possible, fear from others will suffice.
The more damage he/she sustained in childhood, the larger the grandiosity and the more severe the Narcissism, and the more donations are desperately needed from others to keep propping up the fantasy self. Emotional pain dominates his/her internal landscape. He/she may project arrogance and charisma, but underneath he/she feels unworthy.
It is a constant and exhausting endeavour as he/she continually seeks to manipulate others to give him/her the required fix. He/she will do anything to get it, and won’t let people’s feelings or the truth get in the way.
To keep this all going internally, he/she uses a combination of 6 defense mechanisms
Splitting is the first one. This means he/she fails to regard anyone, including himself/herself, as a composite of good and bad. Instead, he/she sees everyone as either “all good” or “all bad”. He/she, of course is “all good”, and you as the partner begin by being “all good” which has him/her idealising you, and internalising you to support his/her grandiosity, but as soon as you fail to do this, you become “all bad” and he/she immediately devalues you, with the resulting punishment in various forms metered out to you.
Dissociation & altered perception. Narcissists often recall things very differently from healthy people, or fail to recall things at all if they don’t resonate with his/her superiority.
Rationalisation is the assertion that a flaw doesn’t exist, or if it does, it isn’t the Narcissists. (“There is nothing wrong with me. I never have problems”) These rationalisations can be very convoluted and obscure, as they often fly in the face of observable facts.
Projection is the curious strategy whereby the Narcissist is subconsciously aware of what he/she is in fact doing himself, but projects it onto you, with the result that you then get blamed for exactly what he/she is doing himself/herself, and he/she casts himself/herself as the blameless victim.
Denial is simply the assertion that something is not so, when ordinary observation or common sense confirms that it is in fact true. Anything that doesn’t reinforce his/her grandiose image will be denied. The Emperor has no clothes and he can’t be told.
Relationship and Individual Counselling is available by our trained Psychologists in 70 locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins.
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
