When you are feeling particularly upset or you feel a strong emotional charge toward something, either in your current life, or something that has been triggered from the past, there are usually a number of emotional levels to what you are feeling.
Unfortunately, most of us don’t know these exist, and move straight away into defensive behaviours like criticisms, blaming, arrogance, being dismissive, withdrawing, withholding, being stubborn or being precious, all of which cause relationship troubles.
So, it is of the utmost importance to be aware of, and communicate to your partner what is the whole truth of what you are feeling.
How do you communicate the whole truth?
To start with, it is often helpful to spend some time on your own writing your feelings down first, and then you can read what you have written to your partner.
As you get better at it, you may just be able to share with your partner, without having to write first.
These are the 6 levels to check in on:
Level 1.Anger and blame (I’m angry, annoyed that…)
Level 2.Hurt and sadness (I feel hurt that….)
Level 3. Fear and insecurity (I’m afraid that……)
Level 4.Responsibility (I realize I have contributed to this by………I’m sorry that I…….)
Level 5.Appreciation. (I appreciate that you have……)
Level 6. Ask for what you would like ( I would love it if…. ) (understanding that this is an ask, not a demand)
In summary
Telling the whole story is quite a simple process, but can take some practice.
One person starts by taking the time to write and then reads to his/her partner, or alternately, tells how they are feeling, starting with level 1 and working their way down to level 5.
Their partner listens and gives a summary back at each level.
This is a very powerful process that can open up a whole new way of understanding ourselves and being intimate with our partner, and provides for the very best of respectful resolutions.
If you need help to initiate this communication process with your partner, we can assist you. We have over 150 psychologists, relationship counsellors, couples therapists and sex therapists Australia wide who specialise in relationship counselling and are trained to help you get your relationship back into happy territory again.
Both Relationship and Individual Counselling is available, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
Over the last 2 years, in my Practice, I have seen a huge increase in the number of my relationship counselling clients citing Porn addiction as a key factor in their relationship problems and break down. So how normal is it to watch porn? When does porn watching become a porn addiction?
“Sex really matters to many men and women. The physiological drive in us is huge, and closely tied to it are our feelings of being loved, worthwhile and desired. Many sexually driven people, at some stage desperately struggle with “getting enough” sex.
During the last 15 years, the volume of porn available and the ease of accessing porn on the internet has grown exponentially. It is now estimated that 1 in 8 online searches are to porn sites.
For many porn watchers, porn’s promise of easy, commitment free, sexual gratification can be just too hard to resist, when pornographic images, videos and chats are available any time of the day or night.
And while very occasionally watching porn has no ill effects on relationships, many users of porn are often surprised at how easily porn use can change from an occasional diversion or fantasy to an habitual problem that has the potential to destroy almost every aspect of their real lives. But how often do you have to watch porn until it becomes a porn addiction?
Many will be surprised to know that regular porn use or porn addiction is a serious relationship issue, as it has serious effects on the user’s inner life, as well as his/her interaction with their partner and other family members. There’s nothing virtual about the damage pornography can do to a relationship.
A recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers has found that 56% of divorce cases involved one partner who had an obsessive interest in pornography websites or even a developed porn addiction problem.
While pornography is used by both men and women, there is little doubt that it is primarily men who become hooked on it. Men’s brains are wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of their brains and has a long lasting effect on their thoughts and lives.
Many people don’t realize they have a porn watching problem until there is either a consequence, like losing a job or embarrassment from someone catching them, or they try to stop watching porn and find it more difficult to stop than they originally thought it would be.
It is very easy to deceive yourself into minimising the extent of the problem.
Many porn addicts think they can keep their porn use separate from their relationship, but it is almost impossible to be a porn user without it having serious repercussions on their partner and on their relationship.
Unfortunately, rather than creating eroticism in their relationship, porn winds up creating an object that competes with their partner for erotic value.
Does watching Porn help spice up your sex life?
While occasionally watching porn with your partner can help get you in the mood for sex, regularly watching porn on your own actually decreases your sexual satisfaction. Fantasising and masturbating to porn enables you to gratify yourself instead of finding fulfilment being intimate with another person.
Over time, real sex and lovemaking situations seem boring, and eventually many men can get to the point where they start suffering erection problems and delays and/or can’t perform without fantasising about a porn scene.
Do you confuse Sex with Intimacy?
When we are teenagers our society bombards us with many mixed messages about sex.
When we are young, puberty is a time of discovering the stimulation and delights of the opposite’s sex and is usually when we discover physical attraction to others. The natural progression is to grow from this stage to gradually discover that intimacy and true connection are superior to focusing solely on the opposite as sexually consumable objects.
If, however, you continue to objectify the physical act of sex, you then can continue to make sex more about compulsive behaviour and bodies, rather than intimacy.
If you get stuck at this point, you can confuse sex with intimacy, which doesn’t allow you the possibility of a sexual connection that is so intimate, it can be both deep and spectacular. You can’t reach this ecstatic and rewarding state if you remain caught in the adolescent mindset interested only in body parts.
Julie Hart & Dr William Struthers – The 3 Pleasure Systems:
New study shows Porn use leads to cheating
A University of Central Florida study just released in March 2013 has found that people in committed relationships who view porn are more likely to cheat on their partners than those who don’t. The results indicate that porn offers the illusion of no-strings attached sexual gratification with multiple highly attractive partners. These erotic images program the user’s brain to assume that there are plenty of attractive and willing sexual partners available outside their current relationships, the researchers found.
Other recent studies are showing a new and worrying phenomenon emerging ; that of a growing number of young men in their 20′s and 30′s who are pornography users who are complaining of sluggish erections, delayed ejaculation, and having difficulty being turned on by their real partners, even though they find them attractive.
Threads relating to these themes are springing up all over the web on sites relating to bodybuilding and medical help in countries all over the world.
Research by “Your brain on Porn” scientists have shown that heavy porn users are noticing:
– lack of spontaneous erections
– difficulty in becoming aroused with their real partner, or even previously watched porn
– difficulty maintaining an erection with a real partner
Most commonly these young men aren’t discussing these problems with each other, as it can be very difficult to admit to erectile dysfunction particularly in your 20′s.
Why watch porn?
Not only is porn and “fantasy solo sex” the easiest sex available, but by using porn you can fantasise that you are desired by eager, seductive and sexy women. It can give you the illusion of being powerful and in control – you can have control over the sexual action; you don’t have to beg for sex; you can have sex when you want; with the kind of person you want, and in exactly the way you want.
You don’t have to adjust your behaviour in any way. In your fantasy you can be the conquerer without doing anything.
If you have been exposed to porn early in life, this also raises the chances of you continuing to turn to porn when stressed or bored.
Julie Hart & Dr William Struthers – How’s Your Sexual Performance?
How does porn viewing affect your partner (before she finds out)?
There are 2 very common symptoms a partner may notice in her relationship often before she really knows why.
Firstly she often notices a decrease in sexual desire for her. This is because much of your sexual attention and energy is being poured into fantasy images on the screen.
Secondly she may notice that when you do have sex, it leaves her feeling more like a sex object than a lover, or even a person. She may feel pressured into more impersonal and ritualistic kinds of sex that she may not feel comfortable with. As a result, she may feel awkward and sometimes traumatized if complying with these expectations, or alienated and angry if she says no to these demands.
Additionally, as all orgasms result in the secretion of oxytocin, your orgasms during porn activity lead to bonding with these screen images rather than her. This leads to her often sensing an emotional distance and a general feeling of not being close.
Some partners are also criticized about their bodies, their appearance or sexual performance, as they often do not look like the images on the screen, and this can seriously affect their self-esteem and reduce their interest in sex and lovemaking.
Because using porn usually involves high levels of secrecy, and dishonesty, a partner may also subtly feel that not all is as it seems, even if she can’t put her finger on it.
Increasingly over time, a partner will feel a decline in real sex and intimacy, as the porn user is not available for the kind of intimate lovemaking that she desires.
How does the partner feel when she finds out?
One woman described it as this “It spread from a sick feeling in my stomach up to a choking heaviness in my chest, as I realised that my husband was, in his mind, having sex with the stranger on the screen. He was so engrossed in this that he hadn’t noticed my presence there. He was in another world and seemed a different man, one I didn’t even know”
If and when his porn use is discovered by his partner, it can feel like an emotional trauma inflicted on their relationship. She usually feels a combination of anger, helplessness and numbness.
She can feel she is not only reacting to the pornography but is also deeply affected by the secrecy, hiding and lying that accompanies the porn use.
Partners can also be affected by then feeling insecure in their relationship, some who then feel they need to compete with the porn actresses in the screen. More commonly, some partners will pull away to protect themselves.
Unfortunately most men don’t understand the impact this has on their partner, and want their partner to accept it and not make an issue of it, without realizing that they have created a huge relationship problem.
Rationalisations you may use to keep your porn use going without it becoming a porn addiction:
1. You may think you are entitled to it, because you work hard and as a result you deserve special treatment.
2. You may rationalise that your wife not liking it is just her trying to restrict your freedom.
3. You may think that if you keep it to yourself, no-one else will know or be hurt.
4. You may even deceive yourself with respect to your motives, your frequency of use and the depth of problem you do in fact have.
5. You may play the victim and blame your spouse for not wanting to have sex as often you as you do as a legitimate reason for viewing porn.
6. It may be difficult to acknowledge that you are not right on this one, if being right is part of your identity.
7. You may rationalise that the porn actresses are just models and not human beings.
8. You can begin to believe that your life stress is a justifiable cause for your porn use.
Porn addiction over time
Porn’s focus on power reinforces a self-centred approach to sex which can and does cause all kinds of problems in real life.
It takes time and energy away from your existing intimate relationship, and usually you need to be secretive about it.
Also the mental images and scenarios of porn can keep playing in your mind during sex with your partner which makes it difficult to feel connected and intimate with the real person that your partner is.
The Porn Addiction cycle – Porn can actually rewire your brain
Porn’s power comes from its ability to provide an experience of sexual stimulation coupled with immediate gratification.
It overloads the brain with the “feel good” chemicals of dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins and serotonin to give you a drug- like high, but unfortunately also reduces your body’s own ability to produce them under normal life circumstances.
This is one of the reasons a porn user may need higher levels of sexual stimulation and excitement to become aroused and satisfied.
Porn’s power to produce experiences of excitement, relaxation and escape from pain is why it can become so highly addictive.
Over time, you can come to depend on it to feel good, and then require it so you don’t feel bad. And then the addiction cycle has begun.
Cravings, pre-occupations, and out-of-control behavior with using it can become common.
Porn sex can become your greatest need. It can become your “significant other” who you turn to both emotionally and physically.
As a result of viewing porn regularly it is easy to become preoccupied with sex, develop problematic sexual desires and also experience sexual functioning problems.
The 9 Symptoms of porn addiction:
As Porn becomes something you rely on more and more, you may experience 9 other symptoms:
You may become easily irritated and depressed
You become socially isolated from other people
You find yourself seeing others only as sex objects
You begin to neglect other important areas of your life
You start having any number of problems with sex with a real person
The number of these criteria that you have answered yes to will determine your degree of addiction.
The Porn Addiction continuum:
Dr Kevin Skinner has identified a continuum which helps you place yourself in terms of the seriousness of your porn use and addiction:
Level 1: View porn once of twice a year, as a random act or an accident. Your thoughts and everyday actions are not focused on porn. (Not an addiction)
Level 2: View porn up to 6 times a year, with a growing curiosity. Minimal fantasies. Time spent thinking about porn is minimal. (Not an addiction)
Level 3: View porn approximately once a month. Start to fantasize often. Will feel some withdrawal if you don’t give in. (Borderline addiction)
Level 4: View porn a few times a month and more hard core porn. This is impacting your work focus, relationship, family life. Fantasizing has increased. There are an increase in withdrawal symptoms (restlessness, irritability, insomnia etc). Usually feel more involved in porn than you want to be. Usually have tried to stop many times without success. (Addiction)
Level 5: View porn 3 to 5 times a week. Porn and sex are among the top things you think about every day. Significant amount of time spent fantasizing about porn. Often feeling consumed and overwhelmed and suffer intense withdrawal symptoms when you try to stop. Feel more involved than you want but don’t know how to stop on your own. Feeling hopeless.(Intense addiction)
Level 6: View almost every day. Porn dominatesyour life. It is a compulsive addiction and you feel out of control. By this stage you have generally suffered loss in your life due to porn use, and have either completely given up, or have a strong desire to stop viewing. Often feel hopeless, which creates sadness and depression which leads to further porn viewing. (Serious Addiction)
Level 7: View every day compulsively and acting out sexually. Porn images are often hardcore and filled with violence, rape, incest, bestiality and other extreme hardcore material. Feeling completely out of control. Work, relationships, families and every aspect of your life has been adversely affected. Many have been court ordered to seek help. (Very serious Addiction)
If you find yourself or your partner at Level 4 or above, then I encourage you to seek help in resolving your addiction. It is certainly the case that the sooner you can gain help, the easier the process is.
Unfortunately the most common response to the discovery of the problems associated with porn use is denial that it exists at all, or avoidance, and pretending that it is not really a problem at all.
Some may refuse to talk about it, or promise never to do it again. Others may go on the defensive and verbally attack the partner who has called his attention to it.
Some choose to take a break for a while, thinking that this will make the problem go away. Others may change how they access porn and what type of porn they use.
However, any of these strategies never work for long, and in time, the serious consequences eventually grow, multiply and exacerbate each other.
Julie Hart & Dr William Struthers – Porn Addiction:
Bob’s story
“In many ways, Bob was considered a good father and what many people thought was as a nice guy. But he was caught by his compulsion. The internet had him by the balls. He just could not stop.
Bob got up from the couch, excused himself from his family, and walked down the hall into his oak panelled office. Already lost in his addiction, his mind was cluttered with images of what he was going to see on the computer screen.
Bob was in such a hurry that he quickly shut the door behind him, neglecting to turn the lock.
He rushed to his large desk, sat in his luxury office chair, and flipped on the monitor. Out the window was an incredible view of the mountains, but Bob didn’t see it. His eyes saw only the computer screen as his fingers quickly reached the website he wanted. Having been there so many times, he was able to quickly sign in and navigate to a specific video.
Bob pulled down his sweatpants so his genitals were exposed. He moved into just the right position in the chair and began his very familiar ritual of masturbating to these types of images and videos.
He had seen hundreds over the years. His wife had caught him 3 times, and the last time she had said that the next time wold be “it” for their marriage. Bob had tried to stop, but didn’t. So here he was again, thinking of nothing else but the images on the screen.
On his monitor was a video of a young woman being forcefully held down and sodomized by three men in masks. Although Bob had never done this in real life (and lost likely never would) watching domination is what got him the most turned on. His right hand in motion, Bob got more and more excited. He was lost. Gone. And he didn’t hear the door start to open.
Just as Bob began to climax, his 10 year old daughter opened the door and stood there, motionless, shocked and terrified at the sight of her father ejaculating to the horrendous images on the computer monitor. She rang screaming to her mother.
Bob no longer lives at that house.
His wife had warned him that he was down to his last chance, and her lawyer showed no mercy toward Bob, not after what his daughter had seen.
4 years later, his daughter was still in therapy and Bob only had supervised visits with her. His ex-wife was still so angry that she communicated with him only through her lawyer.”
You cant get enough of what won’t satisfy you.
When you objectify and sexualise people, it ends up being a negative process that yields only a few minutes of excitement, and a brief orgasm, but then follows hours, days and weeks of fear, shame, self doubt and criticism.
Such is the nature of an addiction. Over time, it feel less and less truly satisfying.
What would it take for you to reach Rock Bottom?
George Collins, an ex porn addict, and now a Director of a Pornography Addictions clinic, suggests that sooner or later all porn addicts hit rock bottom. He suggests that there is a “High” rock bottom and a “Low” rock bottom. The “Low” rock bottom is when you get caught; get arrested, or found out by your wife or workplace and your life is in ruins.
A “High” rock bottom is when you have the forethought and the courage to choose to get help before the inevitable happens.
How do I quit porn?
When you decide to quit porn, it is usually because you have made an active decision to have something better in your life; a deeper relationship with your partner, a sense of personal integrity and a desire to be respected by your family and the community.
The decision to quit porn is a positive life affirming milestone in a person’s life. It represents a new level of self-responsibility and maturity.
But, it is not an easy process and does require commitment and professional help, as it is almost impossible to change and maintain the changes over time on your own.
With the help of a Psychologist, there are 9 stages or strategies that are essential to your quitting the porn habit:
Start healing your sexuality and rebuild your sexual relationship with your partner
Healing your relationship after porn addiction
Porn use can have profound consequences on a relationship and so it takes time to heal the damage to your intimacy caused by it. This can only happen when both partners take steps to re-establish honesty, trust, communication and affection in the relationship.
There are 4 important steps that you need to take to heal the damage of porn addiction to your relationship:
You will be able to grow towards seeing a deeper level of beauty in your partner which is immensely more satisfying than a surface experience. It is a beauty that you can get enough of, that truly satisfies you.
Intimacy oriented sex allows you to explore dimensions of sexual experience that are not possible with porn, such as whole-body sensuality, self- respect, trust, warmth, playfulness, laughter, nurturing touch and profound and real love; the ultimate in passion and sexiness.
By taking the time to know and like your partner, your sexual experience comes from genuine feelings of affection and appreciation. Sex and sexual encounters are fun, pleasurable and mutually satisfying, and are integrated into your relationship as a whole.
If you would like help in quitting your porn habit, healing your relationship and building a newer better more rewarding sexual relationship with your partner, please give us a ring.
Confidential Relationship and Individual Counselling and Sex Therapy is available by our trained Psychologists
in multiple locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Private Health Insurance Rebates and Medicare Rebates apply (please check for details)
To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Julie Hart
(adapted from “The Porn Trap”. Wendy and Larry Maltz, and ”Breaking the Cycle” by George Collins)
Always the hottest topic, sex, and our need and desire for it, and the differences in what men and women want, is never far from most people’s minds.
Sex and lovemaking can be either the most delicious, or dissatisfying part of your life. Sex can be a way for you and your partner to open your hearts, surrender your bodies, and share the most fun and ultimate pleasure together, or it can be a most frustrating and empty experience.
Depending on how you do it, sex can be an intimate ravishment, or a total flop. The most recent studies have shown that 1 in 3 women are turned off sex, whereas the figure is closer to 1 in 6 for men. It seems that from the 2008 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey of 26,000 people around the world, as well a recent Australian study, women in particular often feel they lose interest in sex because the kind of sex on offer is not what turns them on. And here’s why:
The 2 Essential keys to understanding Great Sex.
1. Great Sex: Different pathways In truth, what we all want (both men and women) is a fabulous, warm, intimate, fun, pleasurable sex/love life with our treasured life partner. The great difference, we discover, is that naturally, the pathway to that is different for men and women. Men seek it through physical sex first; and through having sex with his woman, he opens more emotionally and connects. On the other hand, a woman needs the emotional intimacy, closeness and loving appreciation first, before she feels she is willing to open her body to this “disconnected emotional stranger”. This is hugely important difference that needs to be taken into account in order for sex and lovemaking to be great for both of you..
2. There are greater rewards for a man by delivering what his woman desires first. When you have made your woman truly happy, she is more than happy to grant you your wishes in return. It is amazing to see the turnaround in a woman who is truly satisfied, both emotionally and physically… the glow on her face when she is well loved and “orgasmed” out… and her strong desire to do anything she can to show her man just how much she appreciates him.This is a secret that very few men even know, let alone use to their advantage. Relationships that last the longest, and are the most successful are those in which the woman is getting her desires fulfilled, giving the man a double win by first knowing he is responsible for his wife’s delight, and in addition, have an appreciative wife wanting to give it to him in return. A true Win/Win for both of you. Having had the great honor of sharing the intimate details of thousands of couples’ love lives in my counseling practice, and having access to the latest world research and trainings on sex, love and relationships, I’ve come to understand that most men have not even scratched the surface of how to get the best from their woman, their sex life, and their relationship. The good news is that 70% of women would like more sex. And here’s what they are looking for:
Emotional Connection and Intimacy
Sex for women, is like the glue in the relationship. It helps her “bind” to her chosen man. For most women, the emotional is indivisible from the physical, and the emotional preceeds the physical . Her desire for her man is fed by feeling close to him and by his presence. Your woman wants to feel emotionally connected to you, before, during and after sex.
Tip 1: Take the time to sit and talk with her daily, with no distractions of TV, phones and kids. Just by taking the time to talk and listen to her, she feels closer to you, and more open to other things.
ROMANCE. Women love lots of it. Women like to be treated as the uniquely special creatures that they are. Attention, and affection go a long, long, long way, guys, together with your appreciation of her, as an individual and as a woman.
Tip 2: Call her through the day to say you love her, organize a weekend away just for the two of you, surprise her with a single rose, tell her what you love about her. Try something new every week. Women never tire of you finding them attractive. And women love to look forward to things – allude to a special surprise at a certain time.
FOREPLAY. No, this is NOT a golf term! Foreplay is what builds desire in a woman. In the bedroom, women want to be warmed up first, and she would love you to explore all of her body more. Feeling her man’s hands caressing her whole body can be a great turn on for a woman.
Tip 3: Take much more time, look her in the eyes, and learn the art of erotic touching and teasing, before going for the genitals, and you’ll be her hero in bed.
SUPPORT. Just as important as in bed, a woman wants your support, in general. Most women are tired from handling work, kids, and the endless household tasks at the end of the day. Resentment can often build if she has been left to shoulder more than a fair share of the workload. Be aware that this is very important to a woman. A little help goes a long way. Resentment and anger is the number one killer of passion and sexual openness for women.
Tip 4: Offer her plenty of support around the house, and she will feel cared for by you and far more open to you. She also needs some time off to rejuvenate, and revive her sensual self with some of those femininely nurturing trips to the hairdresser, facials, and massages. Believe it or not, this nourishes her femininity. (In the same way, having a beer with your mates “nourishes” males). Even buying clothes that she feels beautiful in, helps her love who she is as a woman, and feel beautiful and more open to being sensual.
ORGASMS. ALMOST ALL women have not yet explored their full orgasmic potential…, yet! Studies show that 80% of men report they have orgasms almost every time they have sex; in contrast women have orgasms only 36% of the time. Orgasms, and various types of orgasms, and even multiple orgasms, are another area that most women would like to explore. More complicated and variable than the male orgasm, the female orgasm can be a wonderful unfolding mystery. All orgasms are not equal for women. And through exploring and experimenting, men, too, can extend their orgasmic potential far more than you ever thought possible.
Tip 5: Make it your mission to explore your orgasmic potentials together.
FUN AND VARIETY. It’s true, Girls DO want to have fun as much as men. Most women would love more playfulness, variety and adventure just like men would. A man who is willing to create delightful experiences, both in and out of bed will win her heart far more easily. Why not both provide some fun and variety?
Tip 6: Broaden your sexual-loving repertoire by being playful, warm and caring, deep and meaningful, short sessions, long sessions, new positions, and give and take.
Sexual Desires: Julie Hart interviews Stephen Synder, New York Sex Therapist and Psychiatrist
Stephen: Men’s needs are very, very simple. They want a partner who attracts them; that is to say, they like her body. She smells nice; she attracts them. You don’t hear guys saying “It’s the same thing every time.” but you hear women saying that all the time. So, I think part of the difference between Esther Perel and myself is she’s a woman and I’m a man.
Julie: Very interesting. Let’s talk some more about the differences between men and women and their sexual desires. You were saying that, and I agree, most women have a fundamental need to be desired by men. Men do too, but for women, it’s more of a thing.
Stephen: Absolutely. It is huge. Desire is like oxygen for many people. The most unhappy people I see are men who can’t get an erection, and women who don’t feel desired. Would you say that would fit with your practice?
Julie: Yes. Absolutely. Those are some of the struggles we see in our couples imbalances in sexual desires.
Stephen: Yes. A man who can’t get an erection does not feel fully like a man. And I think it might be a stretch to say that a woman who doesn’t feel desired doesn’t feel fully like a woman. But it’s close. I think it’s like oxygen. Women have to have it. And you see all sorts of mischief in a relationship if a woman doesn’t feel desired.
Julie: Absolutely. And you were saying in your book that you’ve had plenty of straight women who tell you that they’re going half-crazy waiting for the day that their partner will show them some real passion.
Stephen: Oh, my God. Yeah. And they’re furious. They’re so furious. This is what I call a sex knot. So the man doesn’t show her desire for whatever reason, and she becomes furious. And that makes him withdraw from her. And now he really doesn’t show her desire because she’s even more furious, and they could go on like this for years and never have sex. So very, very tough. Have you seen that? I’m sure.
Julie: Oh, absolutely. Yes. So, what’s happening here to start that off do you think? Is it that the man, once he’s caught her, feels he’s in a secure relationship? He doesn’t feel like he needs to chase her, pursue her, feel passionate towards her?
Stephen: It’s a good question. I think there are two things that are most often going on. The first is (and this is unfortunate about us men and it’s unfortunate for heterosexual women) that our needs are really very, very simple.
You know, Freud ask his famous question in a letter to Princess Marie Bonaparte a hundred years ago. He said, “I’ve never been able to figure out what does a woman want?”
You know, nobody ever asked, “What does a man want?” Okay. Everybody knows what a man wants.
A man wants a nice meal and a good round of sex and then go watch the ballgame. Very, very simple. And he could do that forever. It’s like I could wear the same suit to a party forever. And I wouldn’t mind at all. We’re very, very simple. Our minds are extremely simple.
And women…… Women want all sorts of things. I remember when I got married, one of my senior colleagues said, “You’re not going to believe how many things your wife wants. All sorts of things.” And most women, obviously, are mature enough to know they’re not going to get everything they want. But that doesn’t stop them wanting everything.
And so, as I said, she wants the resort. A woman wants the beauty, they want the pleasure, they want the excitement. They want the variety. They want all these things. Half the time, the man wouldn’t even notice. A woman wants a room with a view. She wants to be able to see interesting things. Her mind is going all the time.
The guy is fine. You know, just let me order a hamburger and let me turn on the ballgame. It’s very, very simple with guys.
So, one of the reasons men stop chasing women is because they feel when they’re married to them, they feel they don’t have to. You know, they’re getting sex. It’s good. They’re fine. They’re not suffering,………. but she’s suffering.
So that’s reason number one. Does that make sense?
Julie: Yes, sure.
Stephen: OK. I’m speaking as a man. Does it fit with your observations or am I missing something?
Julie: I think yes, absolutely. OK.
Stephen: And the second reason is that something very difficult for men happens when they settle into a committed relationship with a woman.
And they don’t know that in an intimate relationship, sometimes your partner is going to be unhappy and that’s OK.
Women practice this. It’s a generalization, so there are exceptions. But women practice this from the age of seven. They have friends and the friend has a misunderstanding. You don’t talk to each other for a day and then you get together, you figure it out and you’re friends again. And they’re constantly maintaining relationships through the ups and downs emotionally.
Men don’t do that. They don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s usually not how it goes. So very often, a man’s first truly intimate relationship is with the woman that he settles in with and he sees her unhappy. And it’s very stressful for him. He doesn’t know what to do with it.
Let me modify that. It’s his second intimate relationship. The first intimate relationship was with his mother. And when his mother was unhappy, it was very, very stressful for him. And when he sees his partner unhappy, it gives him the same kind of stress.
You remember Playboy magazine, the magazine with the centerfolds. And I hope at least some of your listeners are old enough to remember that. And the centerfold girl….. she always had this rocking hot body and beautiful makeup and hair and teeth and everything. But the real winner, the anchovy in the Caesar salad here was she had this welcoming smile. She had this big smile from ear to ear and it said, “’Oh, it’s you. I’m so happy to see you. Come on in”.
And that’s what most guys rely on to let them know that it’s safe to come on in and it’s all right and welcome.
Julie:That welcoming smile.
Stephen:And so for most men, that’s the go ahead. That’s the signal. Because, you know, sex takes place at the women’s body. It doesn’t really take place at the man’s body. If it was a sports thing, she’s got the home field advantage. And, you know, obviously, for gay and lesbian people, it’s different. But for heterosexual people, it’s a whole thing, the man is a visitor there. He’s in unfamiliar territory.
He’s also in unfamiliar territory when it comes to the intimacy, you know, the exchange of personal feelings. That’s very, very foreign territory for him. For her, she’s been doing this since she was 7 years old.
So, her smile initially and the relationship lets them know that it’s safe to come in and he relies on it. But then he sees her unhappy and he doesn’t know what to do with it.
And most men under those circumstances will withdraw a bit. And women don’t understand this at all. What’s he withdrawing for, they think?
He’s withdrawing because it felt dangerous. And he doesn’t have the words for it. And he can’t tell you exactly what he’s experiencing.
And you get another one of these sex knots that I’m talking about, where each person’s natural response just makes the thing tighter and tighter and tighter until it’s impossible.
Julie:Yes. So, what you just described is a very, very common sex knot. That’s probably one of the most common sex notes of all, isn’t it?
Stephen: You probably see that in your work every day?
Julie: Sure do. So, what do you suggest for a couple who is in that sex knot?
Stephen:If you’re in the sex knot, the first thing is to realize which knot you’re in. And most couples that read that can go “Yes, yes, that’s definitely us”.
So, to recognize that so you can see when it’s happening so you can kind of stand outside of it and go “Oh, okay, I see”. That’s helpful. But the main thing is not to get into it in the first place.
And I have a script that I give to women when they’re entering into relationships, which is the following.
“Look, you’re going to see me unhappy sometimes. I know you don’t have a lot of experience being with a partner who may not be feeling totally happy. I want you to know it’s okay. We’re going to be okay. You don’t have to worry. And you’ll even see me disappointed sometimes. But that’s OK. It’s not going to be dangerous if I’m feeling disappointed. I can tolerate it. I’m really good with that. I don’t have to get everything I want”.
Men hate to disappoint women. That’s one of the reasons single men ghost women on Tinder because they hate to disappoint them. But, of course, they end up driving them crazy. Ghosting is totally even worse! If they would just text them and saying, “”Look, I really like you, but I don’t think it’s going to work out for us as a couple”, the woman would think, “thank God”. But, they just run away because they’re so terrified of disappointing the woman.
Julie: Yeah, so that’s the most important thing – the understanding…
Stephen:It’s important for the woman to say “I still love you. We’re still okay. I still respect you. I just happen to be upset about something. It’s all right.”
Otherwise, they end up with the Heterosexual Woman’s Dilemma, which is a huge dilemma for heterosexual women.
So, something’s bothering you, and you know that if you mention it to your partner, he’s going to feel threatened. And he’s going to feel like you’re disappointed and he’ll withdraw.
And if you don’t mention it, YOU’RE going to explode, eventually. You’re going to scream at him because you just kept all the stuff inside you for months.
So, it’s a real dilemma.
Julie: So what do you suggest?
Stephen:Well, you have to use the meta communication. You have to say, “I need to talk to you. I’m really OK. We’re really OK. I’m in a dilemma here”. And you talk about your dilemma.
And, you know, a lot of it depends on the guy. There are some guys who are like this masculinity 1.0 who just can’t hear it. But a good masculinity 2.0 guy (which is most guys these days) may be able to do this if you just kind of work with them a little bit. Unfortunately, it’s a lot of work. And unfortunately, heterosexual women end up having to do a lot of this work, which is really unfair.
Julie: Yes, so, the man we really want is a man who is secure in the love and can take on some of the things that she might be suggesting?
Stephen: Suggesting or feeling. David Deida, says one very poetic passage. He says a woman’s like the ocean. A man should be like the shore. You know, the ocean just goes, whoosh, and the shore is fine. So, the woman wants a man who’s durable that way.
Julie:Yes she does.
Stephen: And incidentally, a man wants a woman who’s durable that way, too. So that’s it. That’s an important secret. We both should be durable. It’s OK. You can work on neither of you being so fragile.
Julie:Great Steve. So, more men and women differences. You were saying that for a man, basically, he needs to find his woman attractive, physically attractive. And as long as she’s physically attractive and got a lovely smile, a welcoming smile, she doesn’t really have to do much other than that.
Stephen: She is good. I mean, you look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Do they have it in Australia? So, what are the women in this magazine doing? They’re doing absolutely nothing at all!
Julie:Nothing. Yes.
Stephen: Nothing. They’re doing absolutely nothing at all. They’re just sitting there in a state of relaxation for a heterosexual man. A woman in a state of relaxation is a turn on. She didn’t have to do anything. All right!
Julie:Yes. You just need to have a welcoming smile. But for a woman, we don’t feel the same way about our men though, do we?
Stephen: Few women feel that way. You know, there was a magazine in the 70s and 80s called Playgirl. Are you familiar with it?
Julie: No, I’m not.
Stephen: OK. So anyhow, I’m dating myself. There was a magazine called Playgirl in the 70s and 80s, and it had a naked man sitting in a state of relaxation in a beach chair or, in bed, you know, with their schlongs hanging out and everything. And it did OK. It was in circulation. But the open secret about Playgirl magazine was that its circulation was almost entirely gay men. Only a gay man wanted to see another man relaxing.
Women don’t like to see men relax. They’d like to see men doing things like, you know, 50 Shades of Gray. You know, she sees him in the morning. He’s not relaxing, he’s doing dips and chin ups and stuff and is exercising. She has to see what he can do.
Julie:Yeah, I agree.
Stephen: The women in my office, they get panicked when their husbands are retiring. They go “What’s he going to do all day?” I say “He’s going to relax”. “I don’t like it. I just don’t like it, it’s a turn off”. It’s really not fair to us guys. You know, there’s a joke around the Upper West Side, “What’s the best way to get your wife’s attention?” Sit in a chair and look comfortable. She’s not going to like it. She’s going to do something.
I don’t know what this is, but I talk to my wife, I say, “Do you feel that way?” She goes, “Yes, absolutely”. I say “I work very long hours. Do you mind me working long hours?”, “No, I like it, like you being productive, doing something.” She says.
So, it’s one of those things that’s just unfair to the male species. But that’s the way it is.
Julie: Yeah. It is interesting, isn’t it, because we live in a time now where women have never done so much. I mean both of us.
Stephen:Totally. Yes.
Julie:Women often feel that they end up doing more than their partner does in terms of overall workload when it comes to work plus our duties at home.
Stephen:The second shift, yes.
Julie:That’s right. So, we can get resentful if our man is not pulling his weight at home. If he’s hanging around, you know, relaxing when we’re having to work. So, do you know whether it comes from that partly?
Stephen:I don’t think so. I think it’s more primal. Did you ever read the book Sex at Dawn?
Julie: No.
Stephen: Oh, it’s a wonderful book. Its about the prehistoric origins of human sexuality. And he describes what sex was like for hunter gatherers. His big thesis is that hunter gatherers had sex in groups because there were no bedroom doors. So, they were naturally promiscuous and everybody slept with everybody else.
And he also describes one hunter gatherer society where they would they do this ritual called “The Meat” where all the women of the tribe would go wake the men up in the morning and say, “The meat, the meat, we want the meat.” And each woman would choose a man who was not her husband, to get the meat for her. And the men would each be given the assignment by these particular women.
So the men would all get up, go out into the jungle and hunt meat. And then they would come home from the hunt and say “The meat, the meat. We’ve got the meat.”
And they would throw down the meat and they would do a little dance. And the woman would go off with whatever man she had chosen who gave her the meat. (Presumably the guys would kind of partition the meat in the jungle so that every guy had some meat to give to his particular woman).
You know, this book always got presented as being one of most progressive books because it had to do with polyamory in prehistoric societies. But I thought to myself, this is so conventional.
No woman is going to go into the jungle to hunt. The guy goes and does something. There’s something very primal about that, about women wanting to have a guy do something that involves a special gesture, a big sacrifice. I mean, it can be less dangerous than going into the jungle. But it’s about risking something and doing it for her. He’s done it because he wants her. She’s desirable. That’s pretty impressive for most women, at least most women I talk to.
Julie: Yes, absolutely.
Stephen:But it’s not the same for a man. If a woman does something very heroic, risks her life for a man, he would be grateful, maybe. But it’s not going to make him one bit hotter for her.
Julie:Yeah. So, what would?
Stephen:To make a man hotter for a woman? Well, the fact that she’s got the kind of a body he likes and that she smells nice. That’s it.
Julie:And it’s welcoming?
Stephen: Men are just very simple in what turns them on. You know, most men, you show them breasts and butts and they get turned on. They’re simple that way.
This article was originally published on KyleBenson.net and is republished here with permission.
Am I an emotionally unavailable lover?
Have you ever been accused of being emotionally unavailable?
Being emotionally unavailable is one of the most common issues couples face. I get a lot of messages like this:
“Hey Kyle, I read your last few articles about emotionally unavailable partners. It makes a lot of sense that you recommend others to avoid those of us with those flaws. Personally, I don’t want to be this way, but my childhood experiences, failed relationships, and lack of growth in becoming more emotionally available is downright depressing.
If other people start taking your advice to heart, what would happen to the rest of us? Many of us lack the money and emotional depth to become the emotionally open souls professional therapy promises. Can you please offer some relationship advice for us on the other side of the tracks? Maybe some tips that will help us grow to become more emotionally available? What are some ways we can open up to create happier relationships?” – Closed Off in California
That’s why I wrote this article.
Hi Closed Off,
Being emotionally unavailable is rooted in life experiences.
Here’s how it works: If deep down, I feel inadequate and fear I don’t deserve love, then my instincts tell me that eventually, you’re going to find out about me, realize that I’m not good enough, and break my heart.
So I love you from a distance. I stay aloof and disengaged. I refuse to give you much of my time because it won’t hurt as much when you tell me you’re going to leave me.
I know it’s coming. It always does.
My parents. My exes. They’ve all done it.
I know you will too.
I wear my armor and hold you at arm’s length. I’ve been flooded by rejection, sadness, and feelings of being unworthy before, and it’s not something I can handle after I get close.
People who are emotionally unavailable are called avoidants because they do exactly what that word says. They avoid their partners. They avoid intimacy and closeness.
But they do this for a reason. Can you guess what that reason is?
“If I anticipate you rejecting me, then I’m going to remain less emotionally invested in you.”
Yes—feelings of unworthiness cultivate insecurity.
True security in a relationship requires interdependence
It’s the ability to depend on your partner while also being able to stand on your own two feet. To take responsibility for your part of the relationship as they do for theirs—as equals.
It’s the ability to be open to their feelings and needs while working with your partner to get your needs met.
Emotionally unavailable people don’t like hearing what their partner thinks or feels if it’s not what they want to hear.
If their partner says something they don’t like, the unavailable partner makes it emotionally costly to do so.
They emotionally beat their partner into obedience. This is why the other partner becomes needy, acts crazy, and will make massive compromises to make the relationship work, even if it is unfulfilling.
Emotionally unavailable people do this because they feel empty. They focus on their own needs and interests. They believe they don’t have the capacity to devote time and effort to their partner’s needs.
They find their partner’s needs overwhelming and burdening.
It’s clear that the emotionally unavailable partner has a lot of internal battles going on. It also explains why they struggle to be there for their partners when they need them.
You might be dealing with many of these same internal battles that lead to being emotionally unavailable. And your relationship is suffering because of them.
If that sounds like you, you won’t want to miss what I have to tell you next.
Here are six effective tips to stop being emotionally unavailable:
1) Take a hard look at the beliefs you have about yourself in your relationship.
Explore why it is that you don’t feel worthy of a close, loving relationship.
Is there a way to challenge your belief that if your partner gets to truly know you, they will reject you? Is there a way you both can explore why you are lovable and deserving of your partner’s affection?
2) Make your partner’s needs and feelings equal to yours.
Doing this requires empathy and compassion for your partner’s feelings, needs, and requests for closeness.
3) Stop the secret life.
Emotionally unavailable partners often have a secret life—a backup plan for when the relationship fails.
They may have someone on the side because rejection is inevitable. A secret life with others helps keep a safe distance in the relationship.
Your relationship cannot afford your secret life or side person. It requires you to offer complete transparency.
This may require opening up access to your computer, text records, and so on to clean up any past feelings of betrayal or mistrust.
Not keeping secrets is a vulnerable place, but it is the only place that allows you to invest in the relationship and get the returns you deeply need.
4) Make time for your partner.
Place your partner (and children) at the top of your priority list.
This is done with your actions, not your words.
Words might sound comforting to your partner, but without actionable follow-through, they are meaningless. Making time for your partner also requires you to be available and accessible, most of the time.
Often avoidants will avoid phone calls, ignore text messages, and reply only when they want.
If you give your partner the reassurance that you are there for them, they will turn their attention away from the relationship because you have given them the security that you are invested in the relationship.
This is called The Dependency Paradox of Love. You can read more about that here.
5) Work on taking responsibility for your emotions.
Take control of your temper. Stop acting in hurtful ways or saying things that cut to the core of your partner’s vulnerabilities.
As an emotionally unavailable person, you are an expert at finding someone’s weakness and exploiting it, so they give you the distance you want.
Stop threatening to leave the relationship if you don’t get your way, and stop using anger and personal attacks to bully your partner into doing things your way.
That’s not a relationship.
Even if you get your way, you are still avoiding a relationship that will change the deeply rooted beliefs you have about yourself.
A loving relationship requires two people who work together equally.
6) Commit to opening up.
Share your deepest fears.
Tell your partner what makes your spine tingle. Tell them about your life’s greatest disappointments and your biggest dreams.
Love requires more than physical touch. It requires emotional touching. It requires both your partner and you to let each other see your inner world.
Quit walling off your inner self, and allow yourself to be deeply known by your partner.
This will not be an easy task. You will feel overwhelmed. You will want to attack your partner.
When you feel like you’re suffocating from a lack of space, you’re on the right track. You are suffocating the belief that you don’t deserve love.
You’re allowing someone else into your heart as you fill its emptiness.
Transforming from emotionally unavailable to emotionally available
It’s up to you to build the emotional skills required to be an emotionally available lover, and utilizing these six steps is a great place to start.
It’s also up to you to work on becoming a better listener. To stop letting your addictions control you. Be more of a giver than a taker.
And most importantly, to stop being so judgmental and critical of both your partner and yourself.
Kyle Benson is an Intentionally Intimate Relationship coach providing practical, research based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgemental style and his capacity to seeing the root problem. Download the Intimacy 5 Challenge to learn where you and your partner can improve your emotional connection and build lasting intimacy. Connect with Kyle on Twitter and Facebook. For more tools visit Kylebenson.net.
With more people finding it necessary to self-isolate due to COVID-19, certain issues may become more evident as couples spend more time at home together. With work life spilling over into home life, there will be more occasions for partners to interact, as well as more things to interact about. And as interactions increase, so too can conflict.
If you’re finding it difficult to manage conflict and ease anxieties, online couples therapy can help. Online counselling is just as effective as face-to-face and comes with a few added bonuses, like:
Zero commute time
Sitting in the privacy of your own home
For those with children, no extra cost of finding a babysitter
For those with pets, the option to keep them close during sessions
A lower rate is now available
Tips to stay together through Coronavirus
Aside from therapy, the key to protecting your relationship while in close quarters is to develop a good Coronavirus readiness plan. Let’s go over a few tips to keep in mind when preparing your plan.
1. Negotiate Boundaries
Take the time to negotiate what is and isn’t going to work for the both of you and figure out how you’re going to support each other in this time of the Coronavirus. Treating each other with respect when in the middle of deep thinking, calls or other activity, will go a long way in making communication smooth and mutually supportive. If there’s something your partner is doing that is affecting how you work (ie. playing loud music while you’re on a conference call), let them know by explaining how it’s having an effect and suggesting a compromise together. There’s going to need to be a bit of give and take.
2. Setup Separate Workspaces
If at all possible, find separate areas within your home where you can each setup your individual homes offices. This will ensure that you each have designated areas to concentrate on work and minimise distractions from one another.
3. Work out a schedule
While adjusting to this temporary new reality, it will be important to find a balance between individual work time, recreational alone time, time together as a couple, and for those with young children, time together as a family. When it comes to your work schedule, set a time to start, to break and to end the day, and respect each other’s office hours. The fewer interruptions you both have, the more likely you’ll be to finish your workday on time. If you’re both juggling home, work, and children, consider alternating your work hours so there’s more coverage for home chores and child care.
4. Take breaks together To feel connected with your spouse or partner, schedule some lunches and breaks together. Avoid talking about work during these times—take a walk to rejuvenate your mental alertness, hold hands, make plans for fun together over the weekend. Schedule these lunches and breaks into your schedule and treat them as importantly as you would a work meeting.
How to nourish your relationship in lockdown
If circumstances were already tense, it may feel difficult to now have extra time together where relationship stress is at the forefront. Seize this as an opportunity to stop, look at the challenges you’ve been avoiding and start working on these together. If you don’t feel confident navigating these on your own, Dr Sue Johnson has published a book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, that guides couples in conflict through heartfelt conversations.
For couples who are feeling less distressed, it would be worthwhile carving out some time together and working your way through the book Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. A lovely tool to guide you through some crucial, yet meaningful, conversations.
This pause allows us to get creative about how to solve the problem.
But consistent withdrawal is toxic.
In fact, most romantic partners do not understand the profound impact distancing has on a bond.
A stonewaller might think, “I don’t get why they’re so pissed with me. I wish I could just shrug off their blaming, but I can’t. I need time to recover. Why don’t they get that?”
While this person is being honest about their internal world, they neglect to mention one important fact: that they never want to resume the discussion, because the emotions they feel are too overwhelming.
“If either spouse refuses to communicate when conflict arises, it can be hard to heal a marriage.” – Dr. Gottman
Why Stonewalling is so damaging to a relationship
Have you ever watched a child try to get attention from their mom or dad?
“Pay attention to me.”
“Look at me.”
“Mommy! Daddy! Watch me.”
What happens if the child’s attachment figure is unavailable and unresponsive?
The child is bound to be distressed.
It doesn’t matter if you are 5 months or 45 years old–there are still two basic responses to an unavailable attachment figure:
When our romantic partner is unresponsive and unavailable, we protest.
We act like an infant banging a rattle on the side of the crib. We make as much noise as possible to try and get attention.
As adults, this manifests as being critical, or making excessive, desperate attempts to reestablish a connection.
As adults, we stop fighting for emotional connection and give up on the relationship altogether.
Despair has set in.
To demonstrate this scenario, one partner in a couple was asked to be intentionally unresponsive.
Here’s what it looked like:
Angela: Hey. Hey. [Looking at her partner, trying to get his attention]
Brendan: [On his phone, not looking at her at all]
Angela: Hey, I have something I want to talk about. Um, something at work… are you listening? Hey, babe. Love? I’m super upset about something at work and need to talk to you. I can text you. Are you on Facebook? [Touches his back and sighs heavily]
Brendan: [Continues to look at his phone and is unresponsive]
Angela: Hey…
This occurred in about 30 seconds. At the end of the demonstration, here is what Angela said when she was asked what she noticed in her body.
I… um… felt a lot of tension. I was frantic. Panicky. I became super anxious, even though I knew this was an exercise. And towards the end I just felt helpless.
This prolonged act of turning away is what Dr. Gottman calls stonewalling.
Psychologist Ed Tronick demonstrated the effect of stonewalling in a landmark study between mothers and infants called The Still Face Experiment.
In this experiment, for a set amount of time, the mother responds to her child’s cues for attention with only a still, unreactive face.
The baby protests the loss of emotional connection to his mother in a variety of ways.
He points. He screams. He aggressively moves around in his chair.
When these attempts fail, the baby withdraws by moving his face and body away.
After a few moments, he starts to wail in a panic.
It’s difficult to witness.
When the researcher signals the end of the experiment, the mother smiles and comforts the baby, who rapidly regains his emotional balance and happily re-engages her.
This Still Face experiment applies to our adult relationships too.
Each time a partner turns away from connection, the response is not dissimilar to the baby shown above.
Are men or women more likely to stonewall their partner?
Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that, due to certain physiological differences, 85% of stonewallers1 are men.
Stonewallers typically have a history of making things worse when trying to solve problems…which is why they have the learned behavior of shutting down.
The stonewaller feels criticized, so they turn away. The more they turn away, the more their partner attacks.
The stonewaller’s heart rate escalates, and they’re scared to say anything for fear of making it worse.
Let’s look at a couple named Jane and Miguel.
This is what happens when Miguel comes home from work.
Jane: You’re late again! And you forgot to pick up the groceries.
Miguel: I did. [Thinks to himself, this is never going to stop. If I tell her I just forgot, she’ll explode. It’s not worth it. Just keep your mouth shut.]
Jane: So typical.
Miguel: [Looks away, and stonewalls by not replying.]
Jane: [Heart rate increases.] You never care about our family.
Miguel may be physically in the room, but he has emotionally disappeared from the conversation.
This is done to protect himself from Jane’s criticism, so he can calm down. In his mind, he’s preventing the situation from getting worse.
Unfortunately, the message the partner receives from the behavior is, “I am withdrawing from any meaningful interaction with you.”
Jane’s distress is amplified by the confusion of having Miguel physically present but emotionally absent.
When stonewalling becomes a habit, it creates a sense of helplessness in the other partner.
When your partner is stonewalling you, you may feel judged, or that your partner is cold, detached, and acting superior.
When they are unresponsive, you feel they don’t care about your needs or feelings. It’s as if they’ve abandoned you, even though they’re in the room.
This is when you may become even more critical and demand emotional connection.
This will push them farther away.
Instead, give them space, and then revisit the issue later when you can be gentle. This should always be the way you start the conflict conversation.
Ask them what they need, so you can talk about it in such a way that will allow them to work with you.
While we’re on the subject, read these other rules for handling conflict conversations with your partner.
Remedies to stonewalling
Stonewalling is the last horse of Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 2
It takes enough time for the negativity formed by the first three to become so overwhelming that stonewalling is a form of escape.
Ask for a break during conflict
When one partner is too overwhelmed and flooded, one of the most successful strategies is to take a break.
In fact, this is a very natural and healthy thing to do.
With the couples I work with, we come up with a hand signal or a phrase that signals a break is necessary. And we discuss a way in which each partner will effectively calm down for a full 20 minutes before returning to the conversation.
For most couples in conflict, there is little to no engagement once one of them leaves. But avoiding the emotional intensity of conflict postpones healing and blocks emotional connection.
By saying, “I will be back in 20 minutes,” you’re giving your partner the reassurance that you will return. This reduces their tendency to continue criticizing you because they know you’re coming back to work through the problem.
During these 20 minutes, intentionally focus on replacing problem-maintaining thoughts, such as “my partner is so mean,” with relationship enhancing ones, such as, “my partner is just stressed out and frustrated. We need to work together to find what’s best for both of us.”
Ask for what you need, not what you don’t
When both partners restart the conflict conversation, focus on expressing the positive needs.
Helping your partner see your side in a conflict conversation might be challenging. But I’ve written a guide to handling this situation. Find it here.
If you’re the stonewaller, do your best to search for the longing in your partner’s words.
You can even ask, “what do you need?”
This need should be positive and actionable. If your partner is vague and says, “I need you to love me,” you should respond by saying, “I understand you need me to love you. I want to do that too. Tell me, what can I do that would make you feel most loved?”
Express appreciation
During conflict conversations with your partner, take extra time to share appreciation for listening and responding. This will help keep the conversation more positive and support the stonewaller from feeling the need to withdraw.
Consistent stonewalling is a sign a relationship is ailing.
Take this sign seriously, because when you consistently turn away from your partner, you’re not just avoiding a fight – you’re avoiding your relationship.
And your relationship needs YOU in order to thrive.
Kyle Benson is an Intentionally Intimate Relationship coach providing practical, research based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgemental style and his capacity to seeing the root problem. Download the Intimacy 5 Challenge to learn where you and your partner can improve your emotional connection and build lasting intimacy. Connect with Kyle on Twitter and Facebook. For more tools visit Kylebenson.net.
As travel plans collapse and workplaces across the world send staff home for remote work, couples across Australia have found themselves together at home 24/7, confined to four walls and
several brewing issues. Even the most satisfied of partners can find it challenging living, working, sleeping and resting with their partner stuck to their side all day every day.
While the temptation for snuggling sleep-ins and working in underwear or pyjamas may provide novelty for the first few days, humans though social creatures, also often need alone time to recharge, process our thoughts, to have independence and create personal value. When partners are in conflict this task of confinement becomes even more of a struggle.
Being within a contained environment can become a giant pressure cooker for conflict. The underlying tension has nowhere to hide, no distractions, and can become the focal point for our efforts when we have no other outlet to select.
Why it is so challenging spend 24/7 with someone you love
There’s a reason why Jane Austin wrote so many complex character novels about people and their drama in period houses in the rain, boredom, issues and confinement breeds conflict!
On a much more serious note, several studies have shown that domestic violence rates have increased after major natural disasters, where humans have experienced significant pressure. The home can become a very complex and challenging place during a major world event.
But, unlike Jane Austin’s characters, we are fortunate to have access to resources, tools and therapists to support this adjustment of close proximity love. There are several moves couples can make to ensure the adjustment to remote working doesn’t destroy the partnership.
Find space in isolation by creating healthy boundaries
Nelson (2016) conducted research to determine that couples without boundaries were more likely to experience resentment, anger and relationship burnout.
Set up boundaries, be clear with each other about what space you need, for work, for yourself, for each other to share. Just because you are in the same house together, doesn’t mean that there can’t be some personal space and separation, whether physical or emotional.
Barkin & Wisner (2013) describe boundary setting as a form of self-care, and relationship preservation. Being really clear and organised with boundaries between work and play time, can allow you to focus on your work, prioritise personal time together, allow for alone-time and ensure that you have your time allocation needs met an reflects the time you would have for each aspect of life under normal conditions. But setting boundaries we can allow for quality interactions with purpose.
Shift your mindset from solving issues, to managing conflict
With growing pressure upon each of us, we only have capacity to take on a small number of issues, before we implode.
Renowned relationship expert Dr John Gottman’s research found that 69% of problems encountered in a relationship are unsolvable. Prioritise with your partner, and with yourself, what topics are worth further discussion, and what you can let go. Don’t overload your plate with small niggles that aren’t important in the long run.
Let the focus shift from resolving issues, to managing them with compromise and the support of a therapist.
Isolation as a means to connect with your partner
This is a time to explore and dive into new things, with more time at home we can learn a new hobby together, discuss future plans and goals, spend a little longer exploring sensuality and touch. Take the time to re-connect, play a board game, give each other a sensual massage, reconnect and reminisce about great experiences.
Isolation can be the perfect time to work through those underlying issues in a controlled and supported way, or to build your repertoire of intimacy through the guidance of a therapist.
This article was originally published on KyleBenson.net and is republished here with permission.
A relationship pattern that ends in heartbreak is founded on deception and lack of emotional connection. Deception is birthed from the scar that taught us that revealing our true needs only causes more unpleasant conflict.
When we cut out this part of ourselves, we do so under the belief that maintaining good feelings in the relationship will keep the relationship happy. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. When our goal is to make our relationship feel good, then the relationship will fail to make both partners feel good.
How Conflict Avoidance Creates Misery in relationships
At first, dismissing conflict seems to be a great idea. Problems are avoided and swept under the rug, and the couple seems to move on. But eventually, these problems start sticking together. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, the problems pick up speed, and the issues seem to be much bigger than they actually are.
One day your partner blows up at you for not folding the laundry, and you’re shocked at how upset they are. Are they really that pissed off about folding the laundry today? No.
Their reaction is a by-product of being hurt by the hundreds of moments that conflict and hurt feelings were avoided by both of you.
Our minds are designed to remember the unprocessed issues in our lives, and to let go of the things that have been processed. If you’ve ever laid awake at night thinking about an email you have to send, you are experiencing the Zeignarnik Effect.
This is why a constantly happy relationship is a doomed relationship, because the moments of disconnection and misunderstanding never get processed. The hurtful moments stay fresh in our mind, slowly eroding our relationship, and turning our Story of Us into a negative one.
Eventually, both partners start to emotionally disengage from each other, and start to live parallel lives. Over time they enter the advanced stages of what is called the Distance and Isolation Cascade. They act like everything is okay between them because they are trying to adapt to the current status of the relationship, but they feel empty, annoyed, and unwilling to connect with their partner.
Most of the time, partners are unaware that they are withdrawing emotionally. Many of us are unaware of the misery in our own relationship. Maybe we come from a family that had parents who were emotionally unpredictable so we became anxious. Maybe we have a history of relationships just like the emotionally disconnected one we currently have, so we ended up accepting that love is supposed to be this way. So it doesn’t actually feel miserable. It feels normal.
To assist you in becoming more aware of this pattern, here are some signs that have helped others recognize an emotional disconnection in your relationship.
6 Signs of Emotional Disconnection in a Relationship
Feel like Passing Ships at Night: Your partner and you don’t connect, and are emotionally unavailable to one another. Passion in the relationship is nonexistent.
Lacking Friendship: Love, trust, and intimacy is built on the foundation of a couple’s friendship. When the friendship starts slipping away, emotional disconnection is sure to follow.
Pretend Everything’s Okay: If your partner asks you what is going on, you say “nothing.” The truth is you do not feel entitled to your complaints about the relationship. This stems from the belief that there is something wrong with you feeling this way, so you don’t feel right about complaining.
Lack of Soothing Each Other: When you are stressed, your partner makes little attempt to soothe you, and vice versa.
Loneliness: You feel alone in your relationship.
These are important signs. In fact, the California Divorce Mediation Project reported that 80% of the time couples divorced were due to partners slowly growing apart and losing the sense of closeness that left them feeling unloved and unappreciated.
How To End Emotional Disengagement
Partners in this situation have to confront the emotional distance spanning between them in order to end their withdrawal from one another.
Healthy and happy relationships recognize that the good feelings are a byproduct of getting the other stuff right. You have to be willing to make the relationship more important than the good feelings, because all healthy relationships must tolerate some level of discomfort for growth and emotional connection.
Typically this discomfort requires us to expose our deeper emotions and to be truly vulnerable with the one we love. If we are unwilling to do this, we seek emotional connection outside of our relationship instead.
The Infidelity of Emotional Disconnection
One of the biggest reasons partners cheat on each other because because they find the connection their relationship has been lacking elsewhere. This happens over compounding micro-experiences of disconnection from our partners and connection with another. Then suddenly cheating, something we never thought of doing, becomes engraved in the resume of our relationship history.
The entire cheating experience often comes as a surprise. And while we can sit here and blame the non-cheating partners for neglecting the cheater emotionally, we cannot neglect the cheater’s responsibility as well. The cheater could have used those moments before cheating on their partner to repair the relationship, rather than disengage.
The Choice to Connect When Disconnected
Maybe it was the opportunity to realize how much I enjoyed talking with Suzie at the office, and how the excitement Suzie is giving me makes me realize that I feel disconnected from my partner.
So when I go home that night, I will inevitably experience what is called a choice point when my partner asks, “how was your day?”
I can either respond:
“It was good.” This is an attempt to keep the good feelings in my relationship and protect my partner from realizing that I feel disconnected from her. But as I do this, I create a secret that will deteriorate the house of my relationship like termites. As I begin to enjoy the connection with the other person, I will shut my partner out from experiencing connection with me.
Or
“It was good. I had a really good talk with a coworker and it made me realize how much I miss talking to you. Do you have time tonight to sit and chat?” Thus addressing the disconnection in the relationship, and takes steps to reconnect with my partner.
While choice two may seem easy on paper, for some of us, such a request feels like peeling our adam’s apple. Rather than opening up, we attack our partners, or behave in ways to create more emotional space.
Becoming emotionally cold towards our partners are the oozing of our emotional wounds that have not been properly addressed.
Conflict Is Necessary for a Happy Relationship
Having conversations that address the problems in the relationship are paramount to cultivating a healthy relationship that meet both partners’ needs. I always say that conflict is a catalyst for closeness, because it allows us to experience all of our emotions with each other. It helps us learn to love each other, despite the unpleasant feelings.
In fact, our unpleasant feelings are amazing guides to repairing and enhancing our relationship. We just need to interpret them as signals to take action in order to improve our connection with our partner. Conflict has a powerful purpose because it allows us to speak about what we need that makes the relationship more fulfilling for both partners.
Additionally, a healthy relationship requires partners to say “no” to each other every once in awhile and figure out what works for both of them. You have to speak up for yourself and your needs, and your partner has to do the same. Both of you have to be willing to discuss what will and will not work for each of you in the relationship. This is why it’s called a relationship. It takes two mature people who realize they are responsible for bringing up their struggles in the relationship to improve the relationship.
It’s not always easy, but focusing on the underlying emotions of your partner or yourself, despite the unpleasant feelings you feel during conflicts, will bring both of you closer.
One of the ironic things I’ve discovered about conflict is that sometimes, my partner feels the same way I do. By speaking about it, I invite her into being vulnerable with me, which allows us to connect on a much deeper level.
The quality of your relationship depends on your ability to understand your partner, and vice versa. The secret to understanding each other better comes from the hard work of putting your partners in a position where they can tell you their minds openly and honestly. They need to be given the breathing room to show their fears and vulnerabilities so you can connect over them.
An always pleasant relationship is not a great relationship. It’s a doomed one. It takes a level of discomfort to communicate our needs and understand each other. Love takes work to expose and resolve conflicting beliefs and expectations. And it is our willingness to experience the discomfort of conflict together that deepens our love for one another.
Kyle Benson is an Intentionally Intimate Relationship coach providing practical, research based tools to build long-lasting relationships. Kyle is best known for his compassion and non-judgemental style and his capacity to seeing the root problem. Download the Intimacy 5 Challenge to learn where you and your partner can improve your emotional connection and build lasting intimacy. Connect with Kyle on Twitter and Facebook. For more tools visit Kylebenson.net.
In the Japanese martial art of Aikido, there’s a central principle called Yield to Win, which is a method of using your opponent’s energy and actions against them to win a fight, rather than strong-arming them into submission. It allows you to conserve energy and choose much more effective and efficient tactics.
But we definitely don’t want you using Aikido moves on your partner to build a lasting marriage!
Which is really more like yielding to win-win, and that’s we’re aiming for.
When men learn how to accept their partner’s influence and work toward a win-win solution, the outcomes are wonderful and we are seeing many happy, lasting marriages coming out of it. In a long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, we discovered that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce.
Rejecting influence is a dangerous move if you are looking for a lasting marriage
Marriage can absolutely survive moments of anger, complaints, or criticism, and even some longer periods of negativity if conflict is managed in a healthy and respectful way. They can even flourish because conflict provides an opportunity for growth as a couple. But couples get in trouble when they match negativity with negativity instead of making repairs to de-escalate conflict.
As Mahatma Gandhi famously said, “An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.”
Clearly, counterattacking during an argument does not solve an issue or help to form a compromise. It does not allow your partner’s influence in the decision-making process. Our research shows that 65% of men increase negativity during an argument. And the Four Horsemen—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling—are telltale signs that a man is resisting his wife’s influence.
This is not to insult or belittle men, and usually, it’s not a personality fault or cognitive shortcoming. Rather, it is to enlighten men as to some instincts and tendencies they might have, but of which they aren’t aware.
There are simply some differences in how men and women experience conflict (for example, men are more prone to stonewalling, and 85% of stonewallers in our research were men). It takes two to make a lasting marriage work and it is vital for all couples to make honour and respect central tenets of their relationships. But our research indicates that a majority of wives—even in unhappy marriages—already do this.
This doesn’t mean women don’t get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they tend to let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and emotions into account.
Unfortunately, data suggests that men often do not return the favor.
If heterosexual men in relationships don’t accept their partner’s influence, there is an 81% chance that a marriage will self-implode.
Men, it’s time to yield to win-win.
What men can learn from women to create a lasting marriage
Some say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. While this is a common saying that cannot be true (obviously, we’re all from Earth and we have much more in common than we think), men and women often do feel different from each other.
This difference can start in childhood. When boys play games, their focus is on winning, not their emotions or the others playing. If one of the boys get hurt, he gets ignored and removed from the game. You see this in team sports all the time. Maybe someone comes to help carry the injured player off the field, but the game must go on.
But here’s the difference. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman explains that “the truth is that ‘girlish’ games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships.” And that isn’t necessarily about gender roles, but about learning emotional intelligence.
Developing emotional intelligence is the first step for a lasting marriage
The husband who lacks emotional intelligence rejects his partner’s influence because he typically fears a loss of power. And because he is unwilling to accept influence, he will not be influential, and that dynamic will result in gridlock.
On the other hand, the emotionally intelligent husband is interested in his partner’s emotions because he honors and respects her. While this husband may not express his emotions in the same way his partner does, he will learn how to better connect with her by listening to and validating her perspective, understanding her needs, and expressing empathy.
When his partner needs to talk about something, an emotionally intelligent husband will set aside what he’s doing at the moment and talk with her. He will pick “we” over “me,” which shows solidarity with his partner. He will understand his partner’s inner world and continue to admire her, and he will communicate this respect by turning towards her.
The emotionally intelligent husband can also be a more supportive and empathetic father because he is not afraid of expressing and identifying emotions. He and his partner can teach their children to understand and respect their emotions, and they will validate their children’s emotions. And our Emotion Coaching parenting program is based on the power of emotional intelligence, which we can all benefit from learning.
How to accept influence in your marriage
It’s most likely that men who resist their wives influence do so without realizing it. It happens, and that’s okay, but it’s time to learn how to accept influence. It is both a mindset and a skill cultivated by paying attention to your partner every day and supporting them. This means working on three essential relationship components: building your Love Maps, expressing your fondness and admiration, and accepting bids for connection.
And when conflict happens, the key is to listen intently to your partner’s point of view, to let them know that you understand them, to ask them what they need, and to be willing to compromise. One way to do this is for each of you to identify your core needs and search, together, for where those needs overlap. Then you can find common ground upon which to make decisions together.
That’s how you accept influence. Want to have a happy and stable, lasting marriage? Make your commitment to your partner stronger than your commitment to winning.
If you do that, you win, your partner wins, and, most importantly, your marriage will thrive.
When your partner is stonewalling you, you may feel judged, or that your partner is cold, detached, and acting superior.
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Having conversations that address the problems in the relationship are paramount to 
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which they aren’t aware.