The Gottman Method is a couple’s therapy system developed by Dr. John M Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman who formed the Gottman Institute in 1996 after running the “Gottman’s Love Lab” since 1986.
John and Julie Gottman are truly the pioneers in relationship research and have developed an effective couples therapy approach based on rigorous scientific research, and to this day, no-one else has surpassed the amount of scientific research they have done.
Their mission is to offer a program of couples therapy to help the therapist neutralise conflicting verbal communication, improve issues around intimacy, dysfunction, difficulties with empathy, affection, and respect, and to help the couples understand their role and impact on the relationship.
WHO IS DR. JOHN M GOTTMAN?
Dr. John Gottman has dedicated 50 years of his life to research in marriage and parenting approaches. His methods and breakthrough research have led to numerous mental health and family therapy awards, and he was one of the top 10 most influential therapists by the Psychotherapy Networker. Dr Gottman has released over 200 published academic articles and over 40 books, including bestseller “The seven principles for making marriage work”
WHO IS DR. JULIE SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN?
Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is a highly regarded and respected clinical psychologist, married to Dr. John Gottman. Julie Gottman was an early spokesperson and leading advisor on controversial topics such as same-sex marriage, gay and lesbian adoption, cancer patients and their families, trauma survivors, substance abuse, sexual harassment, rape, and domestic violence. She has been recognised for her effective clinical psychotherapy treatments with specialisation in distressed couples and trauma victims.
WHAT IS THE GOTTMAN METHOD?
The Gottman’s research has revealed several models for couples therapy.
THE 4 HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
One of the major insights the Gottman’s research has revealed is a foundational one that couples in trouble display one or more of the following 4 elements:
criticism
contempt
defensiveness
stonewalling
The Gottman’s call these the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
The first 2, criticism and contempt are used as active weapons against each other, whereas the last 2, defensiveness and stonewalling are used as isolating and protective shields. All four horsemen are direct relational assaults on the harmony between the couple and are the cause of major problems in relationships.
THE SOUND RELATIONSHIP HOUSE THEORY
Imagine your relationship as a house, where the walls are built from Trust and Commitment, and within these walls we have rooms that all need to be filled to build a good and sustainable relationship:
1. Trust
The foundation of all relationships is based on trust. Trust involves two or more parts where each partner is acting and thinking in the other’s best interests.
2. Commitment
Committing to a relationship is a mutual dedication to nurture, respect and value each other in all situations, and for an indefinite journey with common goals to stay together for better and for worse.
3. Create shared meaning
Finding what the unique visions and narratives are for your relationship.
4. Make life dreams come true
Holding a safe space where each individual in the couple feel comfortable sharing their hopes, values and aspirations for the relationship.
How to develop a positive approach to problem-solving and repairing past conflicts.
7. Turn towards instead of away
Build on curiosity towards a problem to connect and respond rather than react and turning away.
8. Share fondness and admiration#
Measuring the level of affection and respect within the relationship, strengthen the way this is expressed through fondness and admiration, to lower the level of contempt and resentment.
9. Build love maps
Understanding and building compassion towards each other’s psychological world, their history, worries, stresses, joys and hopes.
THE GOTTMAN’S 10 PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE COUPLES THERPAY
The Gottman’s approach is based on 10 principles of effective couples therapy.
Replace the four horsemen with gentle conflict management skills
Strengthen friendship and intimacy
Suspend moral judgement when treating affairs
Dive deep to create shared meaning between the couple
John Gottman and his team are most famous for his very thorough and extensive research and assessment methods. Some of these include:
-Interaction Assessing each partner’s behaviours and interactions within the couples dynamic and what emotions and triggers that come up in different contexts;
–Perception
Using specific questionnaires, interviews and video recall for self-assessments;
–Physiology
Observation and measuring of autonomic and endocrine responses in conflict situations;
–Interviewing
The verbal history in a couple, observed emotions, and interactions;
If you are looking for a very thorough and extensive approach to assessment and couples counselling, we would recommend the Gottman Method.
OUR HART CENTRE COUPLES THERAPISTS THAT OFFERS THE GOTTMAN METHOD IN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING
Our Hart Centre relationship psychologists and counsellors have been specifically trained to help you with the unique problems that come in various family dynamics. We have psychologists in each city, as well as Skype counselling options for those who can’t make it into one of our offices. Find our Gottman Specific counsellors on the link below.
In an ideal world we would choose parents who are caring, empathic and loving, and who allow us to grow up as secure and happy individuals and give us values that prepare us to navigate through this world with confidence. As we grow up, we realise that life is not a bed of roses, and if we flip the coin, we can quickly see that, even for the most well educated, caring and secure individuals, parenting is not the easiest job in the world.
As adults, and especially when we get into relationships or become parents ourselves, we often develop more awareness of our own triggers and behaviours – many of which we may not be so proud of. We might see ourselves reflected in our children, and to our own dismay, realise that we are behaving just like our parents did when we were young. This can spark memories of how our parents’ behaviours used to make us feel.
We might show behaviours in adulthood we aren’t particularly proud of, such as disorganisation, mannerisms, or a sloppy lifestyle, or we might have similar anger outbursts or communication issues. It is then easy to deflect that blame of our behaviours onto our parents who imprinted that blueprint in the first place.
5 THINGS THAT CAN HELP YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE
While you may have experienced much that can be considered trauma in its many forms as a child, and it is important to acknowledge and have compassion for yourself in having had to live through those experiences, it can be easy to get stuck in blaming your parents for your misfortune for a very long time, and this doesn’t allow you to fully learn from these experiences and move on to live your fullest life.
STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR MISTAKES
So, you might not remember your childhood as all joyful and sparkly; you might even have been faced with trauma, neglect, addictions, divorce, or sibling rivalry. Or you might have had one parent with unfavourable behaviours which you notice have impacted you as an adult. The number one thing that will help you move on with your life is to take responsibility for your life from here on in, instead of remaining as a victim of your childhood experiences.
EMPATHY AND COMPASSION GO A LONG WAY
Once you’ve been able to be compassionate with yourself, it’s time, if you can, to offer some compassion to your parents. Just like yourself, they were only given the manual of life handed down from their own parents, who in their turn had it handed to them from their parents and so on. Add in traumatic events, poverty, addictions, and trauma into the mix and we can often realise parenting has never been an easy task. Your parents may well have done the best they could with what they knew and in the circumstances in which they were living. With these kinds of understandings you may be able to look on your parents with a softer lens, and discover more of their frailties and humanness.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO SEE A LESS JUDGMENTAL SIDE
The world we live in is so full of resentments and judgements. We often jump to the conclusion that what is done to us was of malicious intent, and repeated behaviours are signs of laziness or selfishness. We often are quick to judge the reason behind someone’s actions, but we don’t always consider that there might be other factors that can explain why a person acts in certain ways.
ARE THERE UNDERLYING NEUROLOGICAL DIFFERENCES, PAST TRAUMA, OR ADDICTIONS?
Today, we are becoming increasingly aware of the neurological differences amongst our fellow earth beings. An increasing number of children and adults are being diagnosed with conditions such as ADHD, Autism and Bipolar disorder, and we are becoming more informed of addictions and emotional abuse in families, and it is becoming more accepting to speak about past traumas and abuse.
If we could perhaps see our experience of our parents through some of these lenses, maybe the disorganisation, anger outbursts and emotional dysregulation may be explained as a condition such as ADHD or bipolar disorder? Could the black and white thinking, abruptness, difficulty understanding other’s point of view, awkward social abilities and poor communication in fact be something like autism spectrum disorder?
Our healing journey to a happy life starts here and now with you. Once we realise that we can’t change our past, we can make a choice to educate ourselves, to heal, and to learn how to do things better.
We can give our children a different childhood than the one we had. Our best life for ourselves, and our children is in our hands and does not need to be limited by our past.
HOW CAN I FIND HELP IN HEALING FROM A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD?
Our Hart Centre relationship psychologists and counsellors have been specifically trained to help you with the unique problems that come in various family dynamics. We have psychologists in each city, as well as Skype counselling options for those who can’t make it into one of our offices.
Sandra was furious. She had caught Tom checking her phone message once again. “ I just did it to reassure myself – its no big deal” Tom replied defensively.
Is it a big deal?
In relationships the tendency or temptation to control is one of the most toxic forces that leads to the breakdown of trust, openness and growth.
Worse it can lead to domestic abuse and in the worst cases violence. In fact physical violence should be seen as what it is – a desperate attempt to control one person by another. We know this is wrong, or we should. But people often get confused about control behaviours that fall short of physical contact. Sometimes these can be worse than physical force.
Psychological abuse which includes humiliation, denigration and bullying leave scars that take a lot longer to heal than bruises and broken bones.
Is your relationship riddled with Jealousy?
We often see the tendency to control associated with jealousy. Jealousy is a complex relationship dynamic. Fundamentally it is about fear. A fear that your partner will drift or he/she will be “stolen” . The notion that someone could be “stolen” naturally runs counter to the idea that relationships are a matter of choice.
Jealousy and control are thus close companions. Control behaviours are much more common where there is a belief system that supports the idea of relationship as a form of ownership where one party (the male in patriarchal systems) has dominance or “ownership” of their partner. Males usually also have the capacity to physically dominate their female partner, but it is the belief that this is acceptable that causes the most damage.
This belief runs directly counter to the view that a relationship is a voluntary association between two adults of equal power. The “equal power” relationship is the one assumed and supported by our laws and the values of an advanced society. It means that two people enter, stay or leave a relationship based on free will and an unfettered choice.
In this context our fears and anxieties about our partner’s choice need to be managed. Any attempt to control should be named and recognized as the enemy of building trust.
How can you build love and trust with someone by imprisoning them with jealousy!Sounds ridiculous – but this is precisely what many people try to do out of fear there partner will leave them.
The controller who is able to recognize their insecurity and learn to trust as well as develop a better framework for what is acceptable in relationship can save their relationship descending beyond the point of no repair. Many couples facing these problems have been helped by good relationship therapy.
Often the pattern of domination and control is recognized as a legacy of the family of origin – a family where Dad roared and Mum cowered. Usually when such a pattern is recognized there is a desire to improve on the past and not repeat the tragedy.
The point is to recognize control behaviours as toxic and name it and do what is required to get it out of your relationship.
If you are the partner of someone who drinks alcohol excessively, you know from personal experience that it creates more problems than it soothes.
In a relationship with an alcohol dependent person, it is often very difficult to communicate your distress without being shut down or a fight ensuing, which can leave you feeling helpless as to what to do.
Thankfully, we have psychologists and therapists at the Hart Centre who specialise in both couples counselling and overcoming dependency/addictions in relationships, so seeing one of these specialists of ours can help you in the difficult task of bringing up your partner’s alcohol problem, and in addition can help in his/her recovery, and at the same time, help and support you manage your own emotions and get your needs met during this process, as well as help get your relationship back on track.
How common is alcohol dependency or alcoholism in relationships?
Alcohol has a significant role in the everyday Australian’s lives. We are surrounded by it everywhere: social settings, after work events, sport events and family gatherings.
It was particularly middle-aged women with children and young adult males who have increased their alcohol intake.
Data from the Australian Bureau of Statistics (https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/health/health-conditions-and-risks/alcohol-consumption/latest-release, 2022), show that nearly 26% of adult Australians exceeded the Guidelines for Australian Adult Alcohol intake in 2020-21. Australian born individuals were twice as likely to exceed the guidelines as those born overseas. Nearly 20% of people over 18 years consumed more than 10 standard drinks weekly.
How much alcohol is too much alcohol?
For anyone wanting an Internationally credited standardized test to decide whether you or your partner’s alcohol use has become a dependency, use this link to AUDIT – Alcohol Use Disorder Identification Test https://auditscreen.org/check-your-drinking/
Why does alcohol turn from a soothing solution to a dependency problem?
For most people, drinking alcohol is a way to soothe and soften the stresses of life; an innocent, easy and socially acceptable way to self-medicate; a quick solution to ease the problems of the day.
But when a person crosses the line from using alcohol recreationally to getting a feeling that he/she cannot stop even if they want to, or they feel a need to hide their drinking, or find excuses to when it’s ok to have a drink, that is when it has become a dependency problem.
Alcohol dependency is often a family disease. Mostly, we can see the patterns of alcoholism stem back for many generations and it is often interlinked with abuse/neglect in childhood, but not always.
Drinking alcohol is so socially acceptable, that when an individual declines an offer of an alcoholic beverage, some people feel insulted or try to convince the person to have “just one drink”. Many people who actively choose not to drink may experience alienation and feelings of shame. They might notice less frequent invites; they might feel that they are socially isolated to a corner of the party if they do go, and feel the pressure to have an alcoholic drink just to be socially accepted. A person who already struggles with an alcohol dependency condition, might start avoiding social settings for this reason.
Alcohol dependency can be almost impossible to stop for the people involved, but there is help and resources for those who want to save an alcoholic marriage/relationship.
The underlying cause of alcohol dependency
The alcohol dependent is stuck in the initial perception that drinking is soothing his/her problems, and is, in fact, the solution to life’s problems. He/she doesn’t notice the slip into dependency that others around them notice, partly because it can be gradual, but mostly because he/she is in more pain than they realise, and this is their way of calming or covering their pain, feelings of shame and unworthiness, often caused by trauma in their past. The more past trauma, usually the more we need to rely more heavily on things that will relieve it, albeit momentarily.
Alcohol dependency is a progressive condition
Many people think alcoholism equals drink-driving, starting the morning with a vodka, or drinking themselves to unconsciousness. But like with every addiction, it doesn’t start off that way. There are levels of dependence before the disease takes over, and there are different patterns of drinking that manifests differently. Some may only drink occasionally but have a problem stopping once they start, others need to end each day with a few drinks, which can escalate to more than a few.
Some might start off with beers or wine and escalate into heavier spirits as the disease progresses. Some might have co-morbid addictions such as gambling, drugs or sex addictions. The individual can quickly go from where they still have a choice to stop, to addict, where they feel uncapable to stop on their own.
It’s usually a problem for the partner well before it is for the drinker
Alcohol dependency becomes a problem when it takes over the daily life of an individual, where they are no longer functioning and it impacts their loved ones, both emotionally, but also where family or friends are expected to do things for the alcoholic.
8 signs that you have alcoholism in your relationship
1. Everything revolves around alcohol
One big sign from early in the relationship is that alcohol has a central role in any setting. From the first date to movie nights, after-beach sessions, football games, BBQ’s, camp trips, or even just after work, your partner seems like he/she always needs alcohol present, and often romanticise alcohol as a “need” or a reward they deserve after a long week.
2. Excuses and more excuses
Once you start noticing this excessive need for an alcoholic beverage, you start questioning: “Do you really need a beer right now? Haven’t you had enough wine? Do you really need a whiskey for the road?” The answer you have heard so often echoing back: “One more wouldn’t hurt”, “I’ve only had a couple”, “Geez you’re a nag”, “I’m not even tipsy”, “What about yourself, you got blasted last weekend”. The excuses increase with time, and the partner with alcohol issues might even start hiding bottles, not telling you if they’ve been drinking, or telling you they had less than they did.
3. You feel cheated on – “I’m always second”
Living in an alcoholic marriage/relationship is lonely. When the alcoholic spouse reaches a point where drinking is no longer connected to socialising, they prefer to drink in solitude and might even avoid drinking in public altogether, you might feel that the person you fell in love with is unreachable. You constantly feel that you come second to the drink, and there is nothing you say or do that will stop their destructive behaviour. These feelings could be similar to those experienced when your partner is unfaithful. The alienation is unbearable. Sometimes you get glimpses of the person you once knew, only to see them soon again fall into their solitude.
4. You find yourself lying to friends and family
Outwards, life looks perfect: you have the home of your dreams: the cars, the jobs (yes, a lot of alcoholics manage to hide their problem for a very long time and manages to upkeep employment successfully), the beautiful kids, and even the holidays. You are not just lying to friends or family; you are also lying to yourself and your spouse. While problems pile up under the rug, you keep your head higher, smile harder and work more to show the world how fantastic your life is. Outwards, you might look like a super-couple, and you both hold up that façade at social gatherings. Deep down you know a lot of these things aren’t true, even how much you would like them to be. You become a compulsory liar, and the ultimate disguise for your partner’s drinking problem. You have fallen into the role as an enabler.
5. You feel like you do everything
Behind closed doors you are the-everything. You look after finances, plan holidays, kids’ activities, appointments, weekend happenings. On top of holding up a job you also cook, clean, do laundry, and everything revolving the kids. The lonely relationship continues down the rabbit hole. The life you hoped to build with the person of your dreams lives behind an empty shell.
6. Parenting your partner
Increasingly, you feel that you need to micromanage everyone around you. You feel that the world will end if you stop doing for your partner what he/she could do for themselves. Eventually, you can start to feel like you are your partner’s parent, not their spouse. The knit-picking can be unbearable, but you don’t know how to stop.
7. The Jekyll and Hyde syndrome
Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde was a story by Robert Louis Stevenson about Dr Jekyll, a successful scientist who was liked by everyone, extremely intelligent and well-respected in society. At night-time he would turn into a very dangerous and murderous criminal, Mr Hyde.
The reference to this story has been used by many people to explain a behaviour, often found in addicts and individuals with narcissistic behaviours or other personality disorders or tendencies.
The syndrome is likened in a behaviour where the individual seems to have two very distinct personalities, often an alter-ego, or a façade that they wish to display outwards to everyone they know, to hide their true shameful self.
Why do I feel like I’m going crazy?
As a partner to a “Jekyll and Hyde” person, you might feel increasingly confused and crazy. Your partner might say awful things to you under the influence of alcohol, or even be abusive (verbally, emotionally, or physically), be grandiose or gaslight you (change the truth of the past), to be loving, caring and apologetic the next day. They might promise to never drink again, and you see glimpses again of the partner you fell in love with. This Jekyll and Hyde syndrome makes you confused, and sometimes feeling like you are going crazy.
8. The Merry-go-round of denial
This brings us to the Merry-go-round of denial (read the full meaning of it here: https://www.drugfam.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/A-Merry-Go-Round-Named-Denial-2021.pdf) .
The non-alcoholic partner has entered a never-ending dance with their alcoholic spouse. This is a trip that is extremely difficult to end. The Merry-go-round is like a three-act-play that never ends, where the alcoholic always ends up drinking in the third act, before we start again in act 1. The alcoholic spouse will only have the ability to end the play if all players involved stop the act and steps off the Merry-go-round altogether.
Why can’t your partner just stop drinking alcohol?
Most active alcoholics don’t see the drinking as a problem, therefore overcoming denial is the number one step towards recovery. The partner often feels anger and resentment towards their spouse and that they are choosing the drink before them, but the problem is so much deeper than that.
Recovery won’t happen until both partners see and understand the dance of the alcoholic dependent, and that both partners are contributing as they are dancing.
The dynamics of an alcoholic relationship lay in both partners: one that is hiding from feelings of shame and guilt by numbing the pain with alcohol, and the other over-functioning and often unwittingly imposing further shame and guilt onto the partner by continually highlighting the problem. The non-alcoholic partner can become controlling and unrecognisable to themselves.
At this stage, it can be a downward worsening spiral if you don’t reach out for professional help.
What if I am the one who can’t stop drinking alcohol?
Recognising that you have a drinking problem is the first step to recovery. It is a brave and important step to take, and there is a lot of help to receive. Talk to your partner and explain how you feel. Quitting alcohol is very difficult to do on your own. Whether or not you are alcohol dependent, or have developed alcoholic syndrome/alcoholism, quitting cold turkey exposes the wound and could be very painful for all parts involved. You will need supports in place.
Relationship Counselling when one spouse has an alcohol problem
At the Hart Centre, we have psychologists and therapists who are specialists in BOTH addictions/dependencies and couples counselling. Seeing one of these specialists helps you address the very difficult job of raising the alcohol dependency as a major problem in your relationship, and also gives both your partner support in getting to the root of the problem, as well as you support in getting your needs met without activating your partner, and then, additionally, a chance to then work on improving your relationship.
See at the end of this blog for our Therapists who have both Specialisations.
Doing what you can towards recovery
As a spouse of an actively drinking alcohol dependent partner, you can affect many aspects of this dynamic you unwittingly find yourself in with your partner. Here are a few suggestions…
1. Stop being an enabler.
The first step towards helping an alcoholic to recovery is to step off the merry-go-round. Stop enabling the unwanted behaviour, set up strong boundaries, for example, that you no longer will buy alcohol and that you no longer will cover up their habits to family and friends.
2. Let go of being responsible for and trying to control his behaviour.
You can’t control people, places, and things. All you can ever have control over is yourself and your own behaviours. This is more difficult than it sounds. Just stop criticising, commenting, being sarcastic, passive-aggression, stonewalling. Lose the focus on him and make it about you.
3. Focus on your own wellbeing.
Take all that energy that was monitoring and taking responsibility for him and focus on what you need, and what makes you happy in your life.
4. Find humility and compassion.
This is very difficult indeed. Just remember to look at alcohol dependence as a progressive brain condition similar to Alzheimers. The alcoholic struggles to change and already hates themself more than anyone else does. Your resentment and anger only add to the shame they are already experiencing. Try to find humility and compassion for your spouse again (without enabling or taking responsibility for them). This takes a lot of practice.
Why there is nothing you can do to make the alcoholic stop drinking
A person with an alcohol problem will only have the capacity to realise the magnitude of their problem once they experience enough negative consequences to themselves, and the potential of losing their relationship if they don’t stop is often what does it. They need to hit rock bottom and see what they will lose if they continue their behaviours. You can save your marriage by stop trying to save the alcoholic.
Hart Centre Therapist Roohi is passionate about helping clients understand emotions better and accept their presence within themselves. This paves the way for increased awareness of how emotions can influence behaviours and relationships. She enables clients to understand underlying issues and reflect on their patterns of thinking & approaching situations. She is skilled at supporting clients to identify doubts, see different perspectives of their situation, make decisions that work the best for them and implement strategies to achieve their goals.
1. What has made you interested in helping couples with their relationships?
In my work with couples, I have learnt that healthy communication is often a challenge. When clients are triggered, the way they talk, look and treat each other can lack
understanding and compassion. This in turn impacts their emotions and behaviours, and has a snowball effect on their children, extended family, friends and even colleagues albeit in
different ways. I believe that if couples can develop effective ways of connecting and taking perspective, then despite their differences and disagreements, they will be able to find the
middle ground on which they can co-exist. I aim to support them while they find their way towards each other.
2. What are the most common relationships problems that you see in couples therapy?
Apart from communication barriers, couples might be struggling with lack of intimacy, infidelity, addictions, mental health issues in one or both partners, trauma, work or family
stress, parenthood, and increased responsibilities in several areas of their life.
3. What are the most common problems for women seeking therapy for their relationships?
In my experience, I have seen women having more emotional needs than men, they struggle with health issues that can be aggravated after childbirth, and they feel a decreased need for physical intimacy. They need their partners to listen to them more rather than trying to fix issues, they just want someone to be there and acknowledge the physical and emotional
pain they go through. Of course, this is not always the case, as everyone is different.
4. What are the most common problems for men seeking therapy for their relationships?
Many but not all men might struggle with understanding or expressing emotions, and when they do, the way they make sense of these is different to how women might process. They
show their love and care through trying to fix problems of their partners and find sitting in discomfort without actively doing something about it, very challenging. They may have more
need for physical intimacy and often feel confused why their partners might not want to be as intimate as they want to be. I feel that women need to emotional intimacy before they can get physically intimate while men express emotional intimacy through being physically intimate.
5. What would you like clients to know about the couple counselling process before they come in?
Every couple is unique and so are their issues. For the relationship to be fulfilling, it is essential that both partners feel that their needs are being met. To be able to do this, it is important to listen and express in a healthy manner. Both partners will need to reflect on what they can do from their end to make changes to meet each other halfway. Each has different strengths and weaknesses, and both their perceptions may be valid. It will require cooperation to be able to know what makes sense to the other. This requires suspending judgements and expectations until both sides of the story have been shared and heard. Using curiosity to make sense of a situation can provide great insight.
6. What has been the couple you remember who has made the biggest turnaround, from being in severe trouble to transforming their relationship into a happy loving one?
I helped an older couple reconcile after one of the partners had a relationship outside of the marriage. They were on the verge of separation when they came to see me as the last resort. They worked very hard to understand and communicate with each other and were successful in rekindling their lost love.
7. If you had one word of advice for couples with children, what would it be?
You both are in this together and your children need you. It can be hard when they are younger but taking each day as it comes will help you feel a little less overwhelmed. It’s okay if you make mistakes as a parent, you are learning as your children are growing. Be kind to yourself and to your partner. You have got this.
8. What advice would you give to couples trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair?
Understanding what might have led to the affair can help provide awareness of each partner’s behaviour. If both partners can use their power to make changes in the present, moving forward together can be easier. But before this can happen, it is important to process the hurt caused by the affair. Support your partner that has been hurt to go through the pain. If you rush this, then true healing may not occur. When the hurt partner is ready to let go or choose to forgive, they do it for themselves more than for their partner. There is always some risk in trusting others, and it is up to us to honour our partner’s trust in us.
9. What do you find is the most satisfying and fulfilling part of this work that you do?
When clients find that the tools I have given them have been helpful, they then implement those in their relationship and come back with more questions wanting to understand further. I also enjoy it immensely when I see them taking notes and sharing their feedback.
If you would like to make a booking with Roohi or any other of our psychologists, you are welcome to fill out an enquiry form here, or call our friendly receptionists on 1300 830 552.
Adult ADHD and Relationships. Do you, your partner or both have ADHD?
“My partner doesn’t notice me anymore”, a common complaint we hear as a relationship therapist.
While there are many reasons why a partner seems distracted and not present, a startling increase in adult ADHD diagnoses suggest we should consider that chronic attention and communication issues may be a sign of something deeper.
Healthy relationships require paying attention to each other’s thoughts and feelings and maintaining empathy and consideration for one another. The presence of ADHD in one or both people in a partnership presents unique challenges to maintaining these fundamental qualities, and can cause significant distress if left unacknowledged.
If you are in a relationship with somebody with ADHD, you may feel regularly lonely and overlooked in your relationship. You may feel your partner doesn’t seem to notice you anymore, and struggles with following up on things – maybe so much that you feel there is another child in the home. You may feel like you are being pushed into someone you are not – a nagging and irritable person, always having to remind your partner to do this, do that.
It may be additionally frustrating that your partner seems to obsess over new things often, but rarely applies that same passion into your relationship.
Perhaps, if you’re very honest with yourself, you’re reading this and thinking this sounds like you.
It didn’t start off this way… so what happened?
What is adult ADHD?
ADHD is a spectrum disorder, meaning there are varying degrees of the symptoms, and these symptoms can manifest differently depending on the personality of a person. Symptoms of ADHD include:
Short attention span Does your partner seem to struggle to remain focused on what you are saying? Forget important things you told them just a few days prior?
Difficulty completing tasks and keeping organised Maybe you feel like the ‘manager’ of the household, and things would ‘fall apart’ if you weren’t there to pick up the pieces.
Impulsiveness Do your arguments often center around your partners’ impulse-buying eating into your mutual plans for your next holiday?
Chronic forgetfulness Do you hear the words “have you seen my phone/wallet/keys” seemingly a hundred times a week?
Easily distractible Forgetting what they are saying in the middle of a conversation is one example of this… think ,”Ooh! Shiny object!”
Restlessness, inability to sit or stand still for long Ever feel like you can’t watch a movie without feeling your partner fidgeting constantly next to you?
Talking excessively or in a fast manner, blurting out answers in conversation Maybe you feel you are hyper-aware of your partner missing social cues when you are out with friends. Sarcasm, hurt feelings, and unspoken messages don’t seem to ‘get through’ to them in the same way as other people.
Is ADHD more common now?
Most experts today agree that ADHD has always been this common, and the increase we are perceiving is more likely a natural result of increased awareness.
Technological advances have vastly increased our access to information, resulting in more people seeking out information on ADHD. Many of us have heard the media-inflated stories of ADHD being the product of poor parenting, too much television, and other obscure scapegoats, however the research strongly points to ADHD being the result of genetics.
Whilst men are slightly more likely to meet criteria for ADHD, new research suggests this gender gap should be taken with a grain of salt. While men are more likely to present as hyperactive, women exhibit more symptoms related to attention deficit, and therefore are more likely to fly under the radar for diagnosis.
The early stages of your relationship – the hyperfocussed courtship
Many who have experienced newfound love with someone with ADHD will fondly recall the early ‘honeymoon period’ as something seemingly straight out of a romance novel.
When we meet someone we are interested in, our ‘love chemicals’ such as dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine are rapidly released, giving us that giddy euphoric feeling we associate with attraction.
Whilst we all experience this phenomenon to a degree, people with ADHD have additional neurological factors that amp up this experience tenfold. Neurological differences in the brain of people with ADHD result in higher thresholds for stimulation and novelty-seeking, resulting in an intense hyper-fixation that we call love bombing. Love bombing can be a very flattering experience for the keen recipient… especially when it comes in the form of spontaneous gifts, deep and meaningful conversations until the early hours of the morning, and grand gestures of affection.
However, this intense level of stimulation eventually becomes overwhelming and impossible to maintain. Once the novelty of your relationships’ shiny ‘newness’ wears off, the person with ADHD will return to their comfortable baseline, ready to obsess over their next object of fascination.
This is not to say that the person with ADHD does not still love their partner post-fixation, rather, the contrast between the love bombing and the post-honeymoon return to normality can feel like baffling whiplash for the non-ADHD partner.
Coupled with the attention deficit aspect of ADHD, many mistake this abrupt shift in dynamic as their partner no longer desiring them or finding them interesting, which feels hurtful and confusing.
When problems start
Your sex life
Sex and intimacy are integral parts of a healthy relationship. The breakdown of ADHD relationships often manifests through the straining of the sexual relationship. The reasons for this can include:
Negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and sadness spoiling any budding desire to initiate intimacy in the first place. Resentment is the ultimate mood-killer.
People with ADHD are prone to two polarities of the sexual libido spectrum. Hyposexuality (unusually low sex drive) or hypersexuality (unusually high sex drive) may not match the libido of the non-ADHD partner, affecting the dynamic of the sexual relationship. People with hypersexuality may sacrifice foreplay and make their partner feel unappreciated, whilst people with hyposexuality can find sex over-stimulating or find the ‘relaxation mode’ required for sex too difficult to achieve.
People with ADHD tend to take their distractions to bed, unintentionally communicating their disinterest in intimacy as their mind flits from topic to topic. The spontaneity and playfulness of sex can be sacrificed by this distractibility.
Resentment can take hold if the ADHD spouse suddenly focuses on them for sex (but otherwise has paid them no mind). This can be especially relevant for women, who tend to desire a ‘lead up’ to sex in the form of flirtations and advances. Sex then becomes just another chore to tick off as done.
Relationships in significant breakdown may experience emotional or physical infidelity as a means of escaping the accumulating stresses of the relationship. The betrayal of trust and security that comes from having an affair presents further barriers to accessing intimacy.
People with ADHD are especially prone to addictive and hyper-stimulating behaviors such as pornography and intense sexual activities, which can harm the natural intimacy of the sexual relationship as more than just a means to an end.
As communication further breaks down, the connection the couple shares that allows them to laugh off sexual mishaps decreases. This decline in connection and trust results in sex becoming a possible vehicle for failure (and possibly shame) – as such, couples retreat, and sex lessens or becomes monotonous.
Understanding how ADHD can affect the sex life of a couple is crucial to confronting and overcoming bedroom issues.
One of the most common misunderstandings regarding people with ADHD is that their actions (or inactions) are the result of laziness. Simple tasks such as taking the bins out or checking the post can require a huge mental effort for someone with ADHD, and the inability to complete ‘easy’ tasks often results in feelings of failure and low self-worth.
Putting off tasks may come off as lazy to the uninformed observer but is a consequence of the legitimate struggle to take that first step. It is understandably difficult for partners of people with ADHD to remember that these frustrating blips are an expression of neurological differences in the ADHD brain.
With the help of brain imaging technology, ADHD has been re-conceptualized as a reward-deficiency syndrome, meaning that people with ADHD have a deficit of the specific pleasure neurotransmitters that signify reward.
Without these important indicators of reward, people with ADHD struggle to complete tasks that don’t provide immediate satisfaction, and their attentional capacity is inconsistent and easily dysregulated.
“Feeling the future” is difficult if you have ADHD. You have a shorter time horizon, so planning into the future is difficult because future events don’t hit the radar until deadlines become closer to the now.
There you have it; a biological reason for why your husband won’t take the bins out without you reminding him twice every single Thursday!
Painful misinterpretations
One of the most common issues therapists hear from ADHD-presenting couples goes something along the lines of, “he doesn’t even seem to notice me anymore.”
The initial courtship phase sees the ADHD partner hyper-fixated on courting his lover, showering her with his attention and affection as the chemicals associated with infatuation are released. As things progress and the couple become increasingly comfortable with each other, this fixation begins to fade as the ADHD partner becomes accustomed to his partner, and the love chemicals begin returning to their baseline homeostasis.
In response, the non-ADHD partner, who has become pleasantly used to being doted upon, attributes this decreased attention and affection to a painful misinterpretation: he doesn’t want me anymore.
Attempts to amend this often begin with new clothes or lingerie and attempts of increased intimacy, and eventually, frustration and anger when these efforts fall short of providing the validation and attention desired by the partner.
The hurt experienced by both parties here often is compounded: The non-ADHD partner misinterprets her partners’ distractibility as not being in love with her or desiring her anymore. The neutral act of her partners’ distraction takes on a negative association of fear or despair, with every example of distraction reinforcing the belief, ‘he doesn’t love me anymore’.
For the ADHD partner, having weathered frustrations at his ineptitudes all his life mostly by ignoring them, instinctively retreats inwards, thus increasing the perception of disinterest.
Furthermore, given people with ADHD do not input and process information hierarchically, the suffering of his spouse enters his mind and is provided the same attention as other incumbrances (like the fluorescent lights being too bright, the neighbour’s dog incessantly barking).
The hurt caused by the incorrect interpretation that he no longer loves her can create a snowball effect of bad feelings, which act to perpetuate and reinforce the negative behaviours that compound the problem.
Symptom-response-response cycle
Whilst it can be tempting to blame relationship issues on ADHD itself, and it is true that unique challenges present in ADHD relationships, the actual damage sustained is due to a destructive pattern of symptom-response-response that both parties participate in.
The combination of factors – the ADHD symptom of distractibility, the misinterpretation of that distractibility and subsequent resentment, and deeper resentment – amplifies the issue to become the monster it is.
Distractibility alone is not a destructive symptom, but as we note above, it became destructive as the symptom instigating the vicious cycle of symptom-response-response.
ADHD leading expert Melissa Orwell points out that ADHD in relationships can be looked upon as a sort of dance, whereby one partner leads and initiates, but both partners must understand their role within the dynamic to circle the floor.
Whilst it is all well and good for an ADHD partner to address his symptoms, the couple will be unsuccessful if non-ADHD partner’s response does not change also. The key here is to consider both the symptom and the response as contributing factors to create a more realistic picture of the situation, and to promote accountability from both sides of the dynamic.
The easy slide into Parent-Child (Under-functioner/Over-functioner dynamic)
The most destructive of all the patterns in a struggling ADHD relationship is quite possibly the parent-child dynamic. As a result of the chronic inattentiveness and distractibility that is symptomatic of untreated ADHD, the ADHD-partner will routinely forget to follow up on his portion of the household responsibilities and chores, leaving the non-ADHD partner to ‘swoop in’ and sort out.
While he may very well have every good intention to uphold his end of the bargain, he gets distracted or forgets, and his partner ends up overcompensating. This inequality eventually leads to a build up of resentment, in which classically the non-ADHD spouse feels begrudged at having to do all the grunt work, while she perceives the ADHD spouse to be taking a load off.
Eventually, she begins to attack him as her resentment overwhelms, and he retreats, resulting in an even harder attack in an attempt to gain some kind of response and change.
The outcome is both parties become conditioned to learn that communicating with each other is painful, and perhaps cease even trying. When he does get things done, the partner is wary because he is so ‘consistently inconsistent,’ and remembers the many failures over the few accomplishments. She doesn’t give him credit, which demotivates him even further.
The addition of actual children into the dynamic can further complicate a parent-child dynamic of an ADHD couple. Triangulation is common here, with an ‘us versus them’ attitude emerging from the gulf created between the couple as the ‘cranky’ non-ADHD parent versus the ‘fun’ ADHD parent.
The chore wars
Disproportionate sharing of the housework can be a strong symbol of the many things a person doesn’t do in the relationship. In a household of equality, not contributing your fair share can signify a lack of care or respect towards your partner.
This can add to general unease about the future of the relationship as one built on mutual trust and respect, where challenges are overcome together.
The difficulty maintaining attention [resulting from chemical deficiencies] creates the perfect storm for people with ADHD to neglect their share of the housework. If left unacknowledged and untreated, an imbalance of housework can take the format of the symptom-response-response cycle and can add to the downfall of a relationship.
The blame game
The blame game is the corrosive outcome of what happens when the dynamics of parent-child and chore wars exhaust both spouses, leaving them simmering in perpetual resentment.
The non-ADHD partner blames her ADHD partner for her unhappiness, justifying that his refusal to acknowledge his ADHD or his ineptitude in treating it has caused their issues. The destructive element of the blame game is that the more she blames him, the more his behaviour reinforces her judgement on him, and she begins to believe things will never change.
In contrast, the ADHD spouse is quietly bewildered by his partners’ apparently abrupt changes in behaviour. Unlike the woman he knew when they first met, she constantly nags him, berates him, and patronises him over things that never seemed to bother him when they began dating. Also, she never seems to appreciate how hard he works to support their family.
She blames him for her unhappiness. He blames her for being so angry and controlling. So long as either person is partaking in the blame game, nobody will get anywhere, because the core issue is not being investigated and dealt with.
Blaming can be dangerous for a multitude of reasons:
Blaming creates a toxic environment whereby experimenting with behaviour change becomes unsafe. You fail, you get blamed.
Both parties need to look internally at how they are contributing to their relationship distress. Blaming shifts the focus away from the blamer, so that they are unable to consider their own involvement.
Empathy is paramount to working your way outside of relationship distress. Blaming diminishes both parties’ ability to be empathetic and affects the ability to forgive.
Rather than viewing the problem together to find a solution, blaming sets people up against each other and builds resentment.
Deciding to stop playing the blame game is by no means easy but is a wonderful move towards a more peaceful middle ground where everybody is treated with respect and empathy.
Pursuit and escape
ADHD couples in times of conflict will often find themselves in a ‘pursuit and escape’ situation. The non-ADHD partner is the aggressor; she nags, escalates conversation, and may even physically follow a spouse around in a desperate bid to get her ADHD spouse to pay attention to her.
This behaviour can be a frantic attempt to get their partner to acknowledge her after being habitually ignored, and may signify a survival strategy; if things don’t change, the relationship will no longer be feasible, so she has no choice but to become more antagonistic.
In response, the ADHD spouse will generally react in one of three ways:
Compliance, with a high possibility that the behaviour will reappear due to the untreated ADHD symptoms
Denial, avoidance, or non-responsiveness (the most common response)
The common result is that the non-ADHD spouse personalizes the partners’ retreat, attributing meaning as ‘he doesn’t care’. Recurring retreats in the face of such aggressive pursuit for reasonable change begin to result in a sense of hopelessness that things will never get better.
Meanwhile, the escape tactics implemented by the ADHD spouse can cause him greater and greater anxiety.
Nag now, Pay later
Deep down, there are generally understandable reasons for why people nag. If somebody is nagging their partner, it is because they feel they are not able to get attention or assistance without implementing an antagonistic manner of communication.
The context of an ADHD relationship, in which the spouse with ADHD consistently does not follow through, is inattentive, and compulsively retreats, can be a breeding ground for nagging.
But nagging is ineffective in an ADHD relationship, because it does nothing to treat the underlying issue – the ADHD symptoms. Instead, nagging:
Contributes to the ADHD partners’ compulsion to retreat.
Significantly contributes to the relationship moving into a parent-child dynamic.
Reminds the ADHD partner of ingrained shame he has felt all his life, such as the many times he’s been nagged by parents and teachers.
When the issues in an ADHD relationship consistently are swept under the rug, both partners begin losing faith in themselves and one another as a team.
The reasons they fell in love in the first place become more and more difficult to remember. The spouse with ADHD feels confused and dismayed; after feeling like they finally found somebody that accepts them for all their quirks and oddities, they now feel constantly berated and shamed, even when they feel they are doing their best. They can feel worthless and unreliable, and like a bad partner.
Meanwhile, the partner without ADHD is exhausted from carrying the mental load of the couple, and can feel completely taken for granted, as if they are part of the furniture.
They remember a time when they were light-hearted and happy, but somehow they feel like a bitter and resentful person almost all the time.
When they are together, the conversation no longer flows, and is tainted with an undercurrent of resentment. Making love is rare or non-existent, and they long for the time when they would delight in one another’s company as a true team.
ADHD doesn’t invent problems: It just exacerbates the universal ones.
Its true. Every couple needs to negotiate different desires and ways of doing things. ADHD shortcomings can become the scapegoat – but the universal work of learning to communicate your needs and wants with love, understanding and empathy for your partner still needs to be done for every couple in all relationships.
A Good Relationship pushes you to become a better person.
There is much that can help you have a more rewarding relationship when one of you has ADHD.
7 things that can help ADHD in your relationship
ADHD Medication/stimulants
Firstly, the stimulant medications work well, and help close the gap between intentions and actions.
You do need to balance the benefits with the risks and side effects, but generally the benefits far outweigh the risks.
Get serious about sleep, diet and exercise.
Your cognitive functioning and mood are better with good self-care.
The ADHD Partner needs to step up in the relationship.
One of the most simple and effective ways to re-route your relationship back on track is to develop and maintain your attending skills. Attending means actively and consciously choosing to engage with your partner in a positive manner, leaving no room for doubt that you care for them. Below are some creative strategies for creating ‘attend time’ in your relationship, as suggested by Orwell:
Book weekly blocks of time together. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a plan, you can figure out the details later. Keep it spontaneous, and decide what you will do with your day together as a pair. Explore the city, stroll by the waterfront, or go see the latest movie. The important part is you schedule (and stick to) this time and treat it as totally non-negotiable.
Create ‘I love us’ routines. Pick something small that you enjoy doing together, and create a ritual around it. Maybe it’s taking a late night walk with the dogs together while you catch up on the latest gossip of the day, or always sharing a cup of coffee before you head off to work in the morning. These little cherished moments go a long way in showing you care.
Set up “attend time” at bed-time. Many of us have mismatched sleeping schedules with our partners. Create a night-time routine where, irrespective of these differences, you spend time in bed together at night time. Chat, hold each other, or cuddle. When it’s time for lights out, the late-to-bed partner can decide to come to bed or get up and do something else. Don’t let mismatched bedtimes stop you from taking advantage of this lovely way to end the day.
Say I love you at least once a day. Set an alarm if you need it, ADHD folk!
Setting the tone. When coming home after a long day, set a 5-minute ‘no complaints’ rule where neither of you say anything negative – only positive moments of the day. Always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ wherever possible. Gratitude and respect are critical for happy partnerships.
Surprise your partner. If you ever hear your partner mention something they’d like to have or do, make a note of popping it into the notes section of your phone. Create a specific document of things you can do for your partner. Pay attention to when she says things like “I wish we could….” This will show your partner how attentive and thoughtful you are.
Reset your relationship batteries. We know how hard it can be to get away with the responsibilities adult life bestows upon us. But trust us; if you can get away from your normal life for 48 hours and re-immerse yourselves in each other, you’ll come back better versions of yourself. So organize yourself a babysitter or a dog sitter, and go on that hiking trip you always dreamed about together. Resetting can really help you remember how much you actually enjoy each other’s company.
The Non- ADHD partner needs to step down.
Your job is to let go of the parent role and try to be more flexible. Only respond to larger patterns, and let the small stuff go. We all have moments where our partner annoys the heck out of us. Do your best to let it pass without comment unless it is becoming a pattern over a long period of time. None of us can be at our best happiest self all the time, and your time to be the big old grump will be sure to come along.
If you’re struggling with doing this, perhaps look at why you can understand the impact of ADHD, anxiety, perhaps high standards of fear of judgement. Your motto needs to be Give your partner room to step up.
Both of you get clear on the differences between preferences and limits.
We all have personal preferences. We can choose to be more flexible with these. Limits are our preferences that we can’t flex on without selling out our integrity. There should only be a few of these. We need to get clearer about these.
Make a time weekly to talk planning.
Lack of planning adds a lot of stress and bad feelings. Set up a weekly meeting to discuss to- dos and calendars. Agree on what will get done, or won’t. Then show respect (do the task) and also show appreciation for your partner doing it.
If you end up in a fight, how to repair after.
After an especially big argument, it can be hard to see where to begin mending. Gottman suggests that both partners can make a ‘bid’ for repairing the relationship after a fight. Some bids will work on certain relationship dynamics and won’t work for others – it’s all about the unique relationship you each hold with one another. Here’s some ideas for olive branches that Orwell suggests:
A thoughtful apology
Knowing when the conversation is escalating, and taking responsibility to stop that conversation. Even if you do so with anger, working to cease a damaging conversation can show you care. Tell your partner you are feeling out of control and need time to calm yourself. Return later once you have cooled down to discuss things more constructively.
Admission of wrong or partial wrongdoing – “I see your point that the way I phrased that was disrespectful you, and I’m sorry. There’s no excuse for that, no matter how frustrated I am.”
Acknowledging an alternate perspective – “I hadn’t considered your perspective… let me think about that for a moment.”
Choosing statements that progress towards negotiation – “lets consider both of our perspectives and work out something that works for both of us.”
Choosing statements that prioritise you as a team – “I know we’re both upset right now, but let’s try and remember we both want what’s best for our daughter. Maybe we can work something out that benefits both of us as members of the same team…”
Showing appreciation – “I know how hard you find speaking about your feelings, and though I don’t agree with some of the things you said, I appreciate the time you’re taking to discuss these things with me, because it shows you care.”
Using action statements to agree to disagree – Given most issues are approximately 70% unresolvable in the long-term, using an action statement in a way that isn’t dismissive of your partner can be useful: “We’ve been trying to figure out a solution for this for a while now and we haven’t gotten anywhere. How do you feel about agreeing to disagree and seeing if we can create a compromise?”
Staying neutral – carefully choosing your tone to be neutral rather than defensive or negative can avoid things digressing further south
Rephrasing – especially if your partner is shutting down or can’t see the bigger picture, try rephrasing what you’re saying. Start with a summary of what you understand your partners’ position to be, and respectful and constructive with your language.
Consider listening to your female partner – extensive research by the Gottman’s has shown that men who are open to being influenced by their partners in argument are more likely to have a strong relationship. Relationships where men are unwilling to listen to their female partners may just end up in divorce. Interestingly, this research is one-directional: women’s willingness to be influenced by their male partners makes no difference to divorce rates!
These and a lot more are suggestions that can help you successfully manage your relationship and bring it back to happy and secure functioning.
It’s not always easy attempting to do this on your own, particularly when you have developed resentment and avoidance over a number of years.
The Hart Centre specialises in Relationship Counselling for ADHD
That’s where a relationship therapist with training and experience with ADHD can be invaluable. We at the Hart Centre have many therapists in our group around Australia with this specific training who can help you navigate back to a happy relationship.
We understand how hopeless you can feel after too long spent trying to make things work from opposite sides of the understanding spectrum. Perhaps you even feel like you might never get back to being on the same page again.
We are here to reassure you, you can. Why, you ask?
You didn’t know about ADHD, and now you do. Knowledge is power, and you now have a wide range of strategies you can use, or know where to find them (hello, we can help!)
You may not be able to wipe the slate clean, but you can choose to forgive your partner and yourself. Things got a little bit much, but that was before you knew about ADHD. You did the best you could do with a lot of stress and pressure placed upon you by the untreated and unacknowledged ADHD symptoms. ADHD is the real enemy here, and those hurtful actions can now be attributed to the ADHD beast. Forgiveness will allow you to break free from what was past, and progress to the new and improved incoming future.
You’ve learned to separate the symptoms from the person. ADHD is a very manageable disorder with the right knowledge and skills. Your communication will continue to improve with your newfound knowledge and skills.
You are learning the art of validating each other and attending to one another. These are critical skills for damage control after a fight.
Okay, hopefully we’ve reinstated hope that the cause is not as lost as it once seemed.
Real change is possible, but requires some introspection, mutual humility, practiced empathy, and some changes to how you both manage things in your relationship.
Many couples find that, once they have expanded their understanding of ADHD and implemented positive changes to accommodate for the symptoms, they become happier people and more compatible partners.
Additionally, by engaging a relationship therapist who is experienced with ADHD, you can learn to reframe the relationship problems for what they truly are – the common enemy. From there, you can conquer the problems as a united team, and rediscover that deep love, mutual trust, and intertwined happiness you both experienced not so long ago.
Relationship Counselling for ADHD – some important points
A couple’s psychologist/counsellor who is trained and experienced in ADHD will be able to provide both of you with information about ADHD, and work with each partner about understanding the wiring, mindsets and perspectives of each other, and create a space where both of you feel safe and understood.
He/she will also suggest and help you implement specific strategies for your particular relationship, and provide accountability, motivation and support to move you both into a healthier happier relationship.
It is important to note that couples’ counsellors who don’t have knowledge of ADHD can often wrongly ascribe your challenges to personality clashes, or family or origin issues, or can blame one partner more than the other, and are therefore rarely able to give you your best and most appropriate help.
For your part when you are considering coming to relationship counselling, we need each of you to be motivated and be willing to work on your side of the equation, rather than entirely blame your partner. This gives us the best chance of success for your relationship.
But this is often a journey, so we can support you together or individually at any stage of your journey of discovery.
Our Hart Centre relationship psychologists have been specifically trained to help you with the unique problems that come with neuro-diverse relationships. We have psychologists in each city, as well as Skype counselling options for those who can’t make it into one of our offices.
Book a Hart Centre ADHD Counsellor
Check our search tab to find the closest Hart Centre certified ADHD-specialised therapists in your area, or phone our friendly receptionists on 1300830552 who will help you.
The question of can people change is always an interesting one. The short answer is yes, we can all change absolutely anything about ourselves, if we have a strong enough desire to.
So the question many people have on their mind when considering whether to come to relationship or marriage counselling is: “If my partner hasn’t already changed the things about himself that I most have problems with, will he or she be able to do it with the help of relationship counselling, and just as importantly, will those changes stay, or just fade away with time?”
To answer this question more fully, it is important to understand that we come into this life pre-wired by way of our personality type. The personality system I find exceptionally helpful in understanding why we do the things we do, without being conscious of it, is the Enneagram. (more about the Enneagram in another blog)
So we each have tendencies towards doing things a certain way. Whether we continue to do things this way or change depends on whether the results of these actions are positive or negative for us. If we are experiencing either positive benefits, or the absence of negative impact on ourself personally, then we will continue to do what comes naturally.
If, however we start to suffer from the impact of these natural tendencies, either as internal difficulties, or as difficulties in interacting with others or the world, then we can do 1 of 2 things:
The 2 things we do:
1. Blame others or the world in general
2. Look at what in us needs to change for us to start getting a more positive outcome or experience.
Now, plenty of people take the first option, but that just makes you feel like a victim or cynical complainer- no chance of happiness there.
The second option is the healthiest way to go. Usually the extent of our pain will determine the extent of our motivation to change. It is usually as simple as that.
That is why often we can get the most stunningly positive changes in relationship counselling when a couple has got to the stage of being so sick of their relationship the way it is that they decide it is either make or break: we either fix it or leave it.
In relationship counselling also, we explain that for a relationship to have deteriorated, there will be contribution from both sides. In counselling many thousands of couples, I have yet to find a couple where it is all one partner’s contribution.
Couples often find it amazing how when we work on both sides together, how improvements can be so radical, so that the whole process can gradually become a joint project, rather than an adversarial one.
When talking about the stickability of changes, it is important to manage these carefully, and to have a check-in process in place to ensure each member of the couple honours their commitment to the other,on an ongoing basis.
The first factor that affects how effective your couples counselling is, is how well trained your therapist is in couples therapy. Relationship counselling is a very specialised field, and requires specialist training over and beyond individual therapy and psychology training.
Relationship dynamics are often at the core of why you are having problems that you can’t sort out on your own, and we need to be able to give you insight into these (in a non-blaming way) to help both of you see with new eyes the “dance” you may have inadvertently got into. This new perspective alone often clarifies and softens much of the resentment and blame you may have towards each other.
There are a number of schools of methodology in our field, and each couples counsellor will usually have their favourites, but it is always interesting to note that time and time again the research shows that no one type of their methodology always performs better then another.
The next essential ingredient in couples counselling, is the therapeutic relationship you form with your therapist. You both need to feel that your counsellor “gets” you, hears you and understands you for you to trust them and make progress as a couple.
Your therapist also needs to have had at least a few years of experience as a couples counsellor. Having experienced the full range of issues that are possible in a relationship gives your therapist a broad range of experience to help you, both in terms of often normalising what you are experiencing, which can be helpful, and knowing how to resolve your particular issues as a couple.
Good couples therapy also includes help and support for you in communicating your authentic feelings, and just as importantly, how to listen effectively. You’re not going to have a great relationship without learning these fundamentals.
How to make the most out of Couples Counselling
What do you need to bring to the counselling session to make it as effective as possible?
Firstly, you need to be able to reflect on your own behaviour and own what may be your own contributions. Most dynamics in a couple include two people interacting, so it’s true to say that mostly we all contribute in some way to what’s going on in our relationship dynamic.
Secondly, it can be helpful for you to reflect on what are the actual issues for you in your relationship at this time. Having some clarity about these can speed up the process because your therapist will be asking you about these.
And then thirdly, being willing to commit to some changes for you, to be able to action them, and follow through on them makes a huge difference to relationship improvements, and when both of you have that level of commitment, miracles can and do often happen in many of our couples.
What if one partner wants out?
There are occasions where each partner of a couple comes to counselling with differing wants from the process, for example, one partner may want to work on the relationship and the other wants to leave it.
On these occasions, we do our best to honour both needs while also exploring what deeper needs there may be, and encouraging partners to explore all possibilities before ending the relationship.
So, on these occasions, sometimes one partner in the couple may not be as happy with the outcome as the other.
But in the vast majority of cases, couples are very happy with the outcome of their couples counselling, often saying they’re feeling renewed feelings of love for their partner that they thought they had lost forever.
How do we find the right couples counsellor for us?
How well you know each other is a fundamental characteristic of how good your relationship is?
When you have a great relationship, you feel close and connected, and feel comfortable sharing with each other about yourself, knowing that you are largely accepted the way you are.
You can be yourself in the presence of your partner. Even when you don’t agree on things, you each are given the opportunity to express your views. You each give each other permission to be different without it ruining your relationship.
So, check out how well you really know each other. Once you have answered the questions, then you can check their accuracy with your partner.
1. What is your partner’s favourite meal?
2. What is the colour your partner dislikes the most?
3. What 3 things would your partner take as essentials on a desert island?
4. What kind of home would your partner like to live in next?
5. What country would your partner most like to visit?
6. What clothes do you wear that are your partner’s favourite?
5 – 10 – Your relationship is very average. You could do with making more time for hanging out together and talking more intimately about yourselves, and you would be surpised what a difference it would make to how close you feel.
<5 – Your relationship is in trouble. You really have lost touch with each other. You need to be prioritising spending at least half a hour each night and a full day each weekend being together without any other distractions of kids, work, computers or tv etc so you can get to know each other again before it is too late. You may also need relationship counselling to help you get your relationship back on track.
We are each endowed with 3 specific instincts that are necessary for our survival. While we have all 3 instincts in us, one of them is our dominant focus. Then we have a second instinct that is used to support the dominant instinct, as well as a third one, which is least developed – a real blind spot in our personality and our values.
These form what they call our “stack”.
Our instinct priority has a huge impact on how compatible we feel with our partner.
If two people have the same first instinct, they are much more likely to get along easily since their basic values and outlook on life are congruent.
Conversely, if your stack is completely opposite to your partner’s, then you can expect tensions and conflicts. Each of you will usually be trying to convert the other.
Most importantly, a healthy balance of all instincts is important. So, if yours is a different stack to your partners, rather than fight about it, you can seek to understand and acknowledge the wisdom in each, learning from each other, and creating a better balance for both of you. Here are the 3 Instincts:
1. Self Preservation Instinct.
People of this Instinctual type are focused on enhancing their personal security and physical comfort, and can be preoccupied with the basic survival needs, for example, money, food, housing, health, physical safety and comfort. Being safe and physically comfortable are priorities, and they will often bring their supplies with them.
When entering a room, they will tend to notice lighting, uncomfortable chairs, the room temperature, when the coffee break will be, and whether they will like the food provided.
These people often have issues connected with food and drink, either overdoing it or having strict dietary requirements.
They tend also to be the most practical in the sense of taking care of basic life necessities like paying the bills, maintaining the home and workplace, acquiring useful skills.
If this is an instinct that you have least developed, you may not eat or sleep properly, and can lack the drive to accumulate wealth or property, or even care about such matters. Also time and resource management will typically be neglected, often with seriously detrimental effects to your own careers, social life and material well being.
2. Intimacy / Sexual Instinct.
People of this type have a strong desire for intensity of experience and intimacy. This intensity could be found in great conversation or a great movie. The direct riveting gaze is the dead give- away for people of this type.
When they enter a room they gravitate toward people they feel magnetized to, regardless of the person’s potential for helping them or their social standing. It is as if they are looking for the juice.
These people can be intimacy junkies, and have a strong desire to fuse with someone, often neglecting pressing obligations or even basic maintenance if they are swept up in something that has captivated them. This gives a wide ranging exploratory approach to life, but also a lack of focus on one’s own priorities.
If this is the area that is least developed, you will find you avoid intimacies as much as you can, finding ways to not get up close and personal with people.
3. Social Instinct.
People of this type are focused on their interactions with other people and with the sense of value and esteem they derive from their participation in group activities. These include work, family, hobbies and clubs, or any arena in which you can interact with others for some shared purpose. They understand their own and other peoples sense of place in the hierarchy of groups, and can desire attention, recognition, honor, success, fame, leadership and appreciation, as well as the security of being part of something larger than themselves
On entering a room, these people would immediately be aware of the power structures and subtle politics between the different people and groups. They are subconsciously focused on other’s reaction to them, particularly about whether they are being accepted or not.
They need to know what is going on in their world; they need to touch base with others to feel safe alive and energized.
If you have this as your least developed instinct, you will have a lack of interest socially beyond your immediate needs, with very few friends, and will not be very interested in people. You also disregard the opinions of others very easily. You feel you do not need others and others do not need you, thus there may be frequent misunderstandings with others.
It can be interesting to find out what both your own stack is, and also that of your partners’.
This can give you some great information about whether you feel compatible or not, and what you can do about it. For more help in understanding how these forces work in your relationship, come and discover more in our relationship counselling sessions at the Hart Centre.
This can add to general unease about the future of the relationship as one built on mutual trust and respect, where challenges are overcome together.
longer be feasible, so she has no choice but to become more antagonistic.
The first factor that affects how effective your couples counselling is, is how well trained your therapist is in couples therapy. Relationship counselling is a very specialised field, and requires specialist training over and beyond individual therapy and psychology training.
creating a better balance for both of you. Here are the 3 Instincts: