The Secret to more sex and why women in particular, lose interest in sex.

The Secret to more sex and why women in particular, lose interest in sex.

Always the hottest topic, sex, and our need and desire for it, and the differences in what men and women want, is never far from most people’s minds.

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Sex and lovemaking can be either the most delicious, or dissatisfying part of your life. Sex can be a way for you and your partner to open your hearts, surrender your bodies, and share the most fun and ultimate pleasure together, or it can be a most frustrating and empty experience.

Depending on how you do it, sex can be an intimate ravishment, or a total flop. The most recent studies have shown that 1 in 3 women are turned off sex, whereas the figure is closer to 1 in 6 for men. It seems that from the 2008 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey of 26,000 people around the world, as well a recent Australian study, women in particular often feel they lose interest in sex because the kind of sex on offer is not what turns them on.   And here’s why:

The 2 Essential keys to understanding Great Sex.

1. Great Sex: Different pathways   In truth, what we all want (both men and women) is a fabulous, warm, intimate, fun, pleasurable sex/love life with our treasured life partner. The great difference, we discover, is that naturally, the pathway to that is different for men and women. Men seek it through physical sex first; and through having sex with his woman, he opens more emotionally and connects. On the other hand, a woman needs the emotional intimacy, closeness and loving appreciation first, before she feels she is willing to open her body to this “disconnected emotional stranger”. This is hugely important difference that needs to be taken into account in order for sex and lovemaking to be great for both of you..

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2. There are greater rewards for a man by delivering what his woman desires first.   When you have made your woman truly happy, she is more than happy to grant you your wishes in return.   It is amazing to see the turnaround in a woman who is truly satisfied, both emotionally and physically… the glow on her face when she is well loved and “orgasmed” out… and her strong desire to do anything she can to show her man just how much she appreciates him. This is a secret that very few men even know, let alone use to their advantage.   Relationships that last the longest, and are the most successful are those in which the woman is getting her desires fulfilled, giving the man a double win by first knowing he is responsible for his wife’s delight, and in addition, have an appreciative wife wanting to give it to him in return. A true Win/Win for both of you.   Having had the great honor of sharing the intimate details of thousands of couples’ love lives in my counseling practice, and having access to the latest world research and trainings on sex, love and relationships, I’ve come to understand that most men have not even scratched the surface of how to get the best from their woman, their sex life, and their relationship.   The good news is that 70% of women would like more sex. And here’s what they are looking for:

Emotional Connection and Intimacy

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Sex for women, is like the glue in the relationship. It helps her “bind” to her chosen man. For most women, the emotional is indivisible from the physical, and the emotional preceeds the physical .   Her desire for her man is fed by feeling close to him and by his presence. Your woman wants to feel emotionally connected to you, before, during and after sex.

Tip 1: Take the time to sit and talk with her daily, with no distractions of TV, phones and kids. Just by taking the time to talk and listen to her, she feels closer to you, and more open to other things.

ROMANCE. Women love lots of it.   Women like to be treated as the uniquely special creatures that they are. Attention, and affection go a long, long, long way, guys, together with your appreciation of her, as an individual and as a woman.

Tip 2: Call her through the day to say you love her, organize a weekend away just for the two of you, surprise her with a single rose, tell her what you love about her. Try something new every week. Women never tire of you finding them attractive. And women love to look forward to things – allude to a special surprise at a certain time.

sensual touch


FOREPLAY. No, this is NOT a golf term!   Foreplay is what builds desire in a woman. In the bedroom, women want to be warmed up first, and she would love you to explore all of her body more. Feeling her man’s hands caressing her whole body can be a great turn on for a woman.

Tip 3: Take much more time, look her in the eyes, and learn the art of erotic touching and teasing, before going for the genitals, and you’ll be her hero in bed. 

SUPPORT. Just as important as in bed, a woman wants your support, in general.   Most women are tired from handling work, kids, and the endless household tasks at the end of the day. Resentment can often build if she has been left to shoulder more than a fair share of the workload. Be aware that this is very important to a woman. A little help goes a long way.   Resentment and anger is the number one killer of passion and sexual openness for women.

Tip 4: Offer her plenty of support around the house, and she will feel cared for by you and far more open to you.   She also needs some time off to rejuvenate, and revive her sensual self with some of those femininely nurturing trips to the hairdresser, facials, and massages. Believe it or not, this nourishes her femininity. (In the same way, having a beer with your mates “nourishes” males). Even buying clothes that she feels beautiful in, helps her love who she is as a woman, and feel beautiful and more open to being sensual.  

ORGASMS. ALMOST ALL women have not yet explored their full orgasmic potential…, yet! Studies show that 80% of men report they have orgasms almost every time they have sex; in contrast women have orgasms only 36% of the time.   Orgasms, and various types of orgasms, and even multiple orgasms, are another area that most women would like to explore. More complicated and variable than the male orgasm, the female orgasm can be a wonderful unfolding mystery. All orgasms are not equal for women. And through exploring and experimenting, men, too, can extend their orgasmic potential far more than you ever thought possible.

Tip 5: Make it your mission to explore your orgasmic potentials together.

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FUN AND VARIETY. It’s true, Girls DO want to have fun as much as men. Most women would love more playfulness, variety and adventure just like men would. A man who is willing to create delightful experiences, both in and out of bed will win her heart far more easily. Why not both provide some fun and variety?  

Tip 6: Broaden your sexual-loving repertoire by being playful, warm and caring, deep and meaningful, short sessions, long sessions, new positions, and give and take.

Sexual power struggles: Man wants sex; woman says “no”.

As I listen to people’s stories each week I am constantly made aware of how little understanding men and women have of their differences.

sexual problems

It’s not surprising. We’re not taught about relationships. It’s natural to assume the other person experiences the world the same way you do. But it simply not true. Men’s and women’s brains and bodies are wired very differently.

A common theme from women is ‘he just wants to have sex all the time’ vs. her male partner who’s saying ‘she’s never interested’.

There is often a grain of truth here, since men are designed to think sexual thoughts more frequently than women.  However, it’s important to understand:

  • most adult women feel sexual desire AFTER sexual activity has begun (the foreplay stage). So talking’s often not good enough.
  • loving men want sex and need a sexual connection in order to feel emotionally connected with their partner
  • women report needing to feel emotionally connected in order to feel sexually interested
  • women need considerably more time than men to become fully aroused, and
  • both partners are equal players in the process

Tips For Women
sexual connection

Understand that men do not feel loved by you unless you connect with them sexually. Sex helps men to access their hearts. It doesn’t matter how good a cook you are, or how beautiful the house looks.  If you reject him sexually, he doesn’t feel loved.

If saying ‘no’ is your default position, catch yourself before you do. Be willing to be open and receptive to him. Tell him (gently) what you need in order to respond to him. Create the conditions you need in order to relax.

Tips for Men

Understand that women do not feel loved (or sexually aroused) if you pester, whinge, complain, blame or pounce on them.

Criticising your partner’s appearance or body shape will also not endear her to you. Why would she let you in to that same body you’ve just criticised?

If you blame her for your lack of sex, look at yourself first. Where are you going wrong? Here’s a hint…She needs a loving approach and she needs to trust you. Take your time. Be mysterious, not predictable. Don’t reach straight for her breasts or genitals.

differing libidos

Offer her something she likes. Respect her wishes.

One woman who’s helping men and women understand each other is Alison Armstrong. She’s developed great tools for couples to learn how to work together as a team and communicate more effectively so you both get your needs met. To learn more, go to:

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page, or phone us on 1300830552 for more details and help.

Alison Rahn © Copyright 2010