Funny, you don’t look twoish

Funny, you don’t look twoish

 

Beyond Freud, beyond Jung, beyond Myers Briggs lies a personality typing system known as the Enneagram. And whether you’re an overachieving pit bull lawyer or a hopelessly romantic wanna-be poet, it’s got your number.

I’m a One.   I do have other qualities, of course.

Still, the discovery of my Oneness – in Enneagram terms – has revealed more to me about my unconscious patterns, habitual preoccupations, underlying fears, and misused strengths than any model I’ve come across in all my psychological training.

What sets the Enneagram apart is that it contains such detailed useful information about what drives us to behave as we do. It’s valuable not just to understand yourself, but also as a source of insights into your friends, family, colleagues and even those you don’t like.

Each personality type on the Enneagram is marked by a central fixation or passion. The result is a narrow, habitual and often defensive way of perceiving the world that deeply influences what we think and feel and how we behave.

The moment we can recognize our type, we have observed ourselves in reality. This personality type was put in place for good reason, but most of us identify with it, believing this is all we are. The Enneagram shows us that there is something else – a higher self, an essence, a soul – that the personality obscures.

As a One, for instance, my fixation is resentment. This was not easy for me to see at first, as I always prided myself in how I always did the right and responsible thing both in terms of things that needed doing and also with people that I had relationships with. However when I looked deeper I realized that I was often feeling underlying resentment, a resentment about how and why others seem to get away with not doing the right and responsible thing.

When you can look at each of the others who are close to you in your life from the deeper perspective of their Enneagram type, you can see that others see the world very differently form you, but just as narrowly.  Two’s for example, grow up ruled by a constant hunger to win approval from others, even at the cost of suppressing their own needs. Fives cultivate detachment and minimize their needs in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed – but often end up isolated and cut off from intimate relationships.

When you recognize these underlying dynamics, it opens the door to healthier states of mind and much greater personal freedom,  not to mention a far better understanding of your partner and all those you relate to, improving your relationships.

If you are interested in discovering what your type is and more about yourself or those you are relating to, you can book in for a face to face session, or phone or skype session with me.

….More details of the types in the next blog.

Until next week

Warm regards

Julie

Discovering your Enneagram Type, as well as your favourite movie stars

 

Following on from last week, the first step in understanding yourself and others is to identify what type you have come into this life pre-wired as.

The following is a broad overview of the nine types of human nature. As you can see, it can be fun to also identify movie stars and people we all know as well, and to be able to see the common patterns amongst them.

 

Type One. The Reformer.

The principled, idealistic Type. One’s are ethical and conscientious, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers and crusaders, always striving to improve things but afraid of making a mistake. Well organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They  typically have problems with repressed anger  ( resentment) and impatience. At their best, healthy Ones are wise, discerning, realistic, and noble, as well as morally heroic.

Examples of ones are Jack Canfield, Robert Kiyosaki, Batman, Superman, Plato and Gandhi

If you are a One, you can begin the process of your growth by beginning to hand back the responsibility for things to others, and increase your fun and relaxation.

 

Type Two. The Helper.

The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self sacrificing, but they can also be sentimental, flattering, and people pleasing. They are driven to be close to others, and they often do things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems taking care of themselves and acknowledging their needs. At their best, healthy Twos are unselfish and altruistic and have unconditional love for themselves and others.

Examples of Twos are Jennifer Anistan, Princess Diana, Weary Dunlop, Florence Nightingale.

If you are a Two, you can begin the process of your growth by exploring what your own needs are and starting to supply them for yourself.

 

Type Three. The Achiever.

The adaptable, success oriented type. Threes are self assured, attractive and charming. Ambitious, competitive and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for personal advancement. Threes are often concerned about their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At the best, healthy Threes are self accepting, authentic, and everything they seem to be – role models who inspire others.

Examples of Threes are Tom Cruise, Donald Trump, Tony Robbins, Bill Clinton, Madonna, Christopher Skase and Barbara Streisand.

If you are a Three, you can begin the process of your growth by stopping doing what you are doing, and exploring who you really are.

 

Type Four. The Individualist.

The romantic, introspective type. Fours are self aware, sensitive, reserved and quiet. They are self revealing, emotionally honest, and personal, but they can also be moody and self conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with self indulgence and self pity. At the best, healthy Fours are inspired and highly creative, able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Examples of Fours are Angelina Jolie, Oscar Wilde, David Bowie, Jackie Onassis and Johnny Depp.

If you are a Four, you can begin your process of growth by focusing on what you have that is positive.

 

Type Five. The Investigator.

The intense, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent and innovative, they can become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high strung and intense. They typically have problems with isolation, eccentricity, and nihilism. At their best, healthy Fives are visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time and able to see the world in an entirely different way.

Examples of Fives are Bill Gates, Barry Jones, Prince Charles and Geoffrey Robertson.

If you are a Five, you can begin your process of growth by trying to stay present in your body and emotions rather than retreating into your mind.

 

Type Six. The Loyalist.

The committed security oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hardworking and responsible, but they can also be defensive, evasive and highly anxious – running on stress while complaining about it. They are often cautious and indecisive but can also be reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self doubt and suspicion. At their best, healthy Sixes are internally stable, self confident, and self reliant, courageously supporting the weak and powerless.

Examples of Sixes are  Julia Gillard, Jo Belke Peterson, John Howard, Mel Gibson and Osama bin Laden.

If you are a Six, you can help your growth by looking inward for your own inner guidance rather than from the outside world.

 

Type Seven. The Enthusiast.

The busy, productive type. Sevens are versatile, optimistic and spontaneous. Playful, high spirited and practical, they can also be overextended, scattered and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but they can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with superficiality and impulsiveness. At their best, healthy Sevens focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming joyous, highly accomplished and full of gratitude.

Examples of Sevens are Billy Connelly, Steven Speilberg, Sarah Ferguson and Bette Midler.

If you are a Seven, you can begin your growth process by narrowing your focus to a few chosen directions.

 

Type Eight. The Challenger.

The powerful dominating type. Eights are self confident, strong and assertive. Proactive, resourceful and decisive, they can also be proud and domineering. Eights feel that they must control their environment, often becoming confrontational and intimidating. They typically have problems with allowing themselves to be close to others. At their best, healthy Eights are self mastering, using their strengths to improve others lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and sometimes historically great.

Examples of Eights are Russell Crowe, Paul Keating, Saddam Hussein and John McInroe.

If you are an Eight, you can begin your growth process by first recognizing your vulnerabilities.

 

Type Nine. The Peacemaker.

The easy-going self-effacing type. Nines are accepting trusting and stable. They are good-natured, kindhearted, easy going and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to be without conflict but can tend to be complacent and minimize anything upsetting. They typically have problems with passivity and stubbornness. At their best, healthy Nines are indomitable and all-embracing; they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

Examples of Nines are George Harrison, Queen Elizabeth II and Walt Disney.

If you are a Nine, you can begin your growth process by focusing on what you want, and continue to work on your own agendas.

When you can begin to observe how your personality is running your life, in a nonjudgmental way, you can begin to see it like a home movie. As you can begin to observe and let go of it on increasing deeper levels, as well as being increasingly present with your real experiences, you can gradually reach more and more of your full human potential.

If you would like to really discover who you have been wired to be, why you do the things you do, why you have the same kinds of problems over and over again, and , best of all, what you can do about it, book in for an individual Enneagram session with me, face to face, by phone or by skype.

More on why relationships get into trouble in our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

How do you contribute to your relationship problems?

Your Enneagram Profile

If you really want to look in depth at why the two of you have the unique relationship and problems that you have, look no further than the Enneagram.

One of the most helpful ways to discover yourself and just as importantly, how you contribute to your relationship problems, is to look at your Enneagram profile.

What is the Enneagram?

The modern Enneagram is based on ancient Eastern wisdom combined with modern Psychological thought. There are 9 Personality types each with different patterns of thinking, feeling and acting. Each style has its own natural gifts, limitations, and blind spots.

When you know your Enneagram number, you can then be aware of the unconscious assumptions that drive the way you see yourself, do your work, and relate in your relationships.

And you can also understand why your partner seems to act in the bizarre, inconsiderate, intrusive, self-interested, seductive or charming ways that he or she does.

Enneagram relationship counselling

Once you know how he or she see things from the inside out, you can see why they do the things they do which makes perfect sense to them.

There are no types that are better than any other. Each is effective in their own way, but from a very different point of view.

  • Ones want to make things right.
  • Twos need to be of help.
  • Threes are driven to succeed.
  • Fours yearn to be special.
  • Fives want to be left alone to think.
  • Sixes seek safety and support.
  • Sevens are connoisseurs of life’s pleasures.
  • Eights are driven to dominate others.
  • Nines don’t want to make waves.

Ones. The Perfectionist

You are reliable, fair and honest. You earn love by being perfect and worry about getting it right. You seem right to be measuring up to the highest standards. Your thinking centre’s around what you “should” be doing. It feels honourable to dedicate yourself to doing good. You can’t help noticing when standards slip. You feel compelled to fix it. You very conscientiously monitor your own self actions. In self defence, you can feel morally superior by finding fault with others.

Ones in a relationship can contribute by being critical, judgemental, inflexible, argumentative, having too high standards, being uncompromising and overly serious.

Ones are helped by partners who accept differences of opinion, who soften the One Right Way thinking, and who bring pleasure to a relationship.

 

Twos. The Giver

You are loving, warm and generous. You are always focusing on other people, their wants, needs and potentials. You spend your life pleasing and supporting others and managing their lives. Your own needs are not important, you give to others and hope that they will care about you when you are in need. Other’s needs broadcast so loudly, that you find yourself moulding to please. Wanting approval, an association forms in which you become indispensable. You feel proud that you are so helpful.

Twos in a relationship can contribute by being overly accommodating, possessive, martyr-like, manipulative, insincere and hysterical.

Twos are helped by partners who are not seduced by your adaption, who love you separately from what you give, and who can see you through the crisis of having to stand alone and discover your own needs.

 

Threes. The Performer

You are energetic, industrious and practical. You win love through your achievement and your image. It is very important to be high profile and high powered at work. You are sensitive to status. You want to be first, to lead, and to be seen. You like to impress people. Work is the area of interest; your feelings are suspended while the job gets done. You believe people in love should look happy and productive, love shouldn’t be overwhelming or sad.

Threes in a relationship can contribute by being self centred, vain, superficial, overly competitive, deceptive and defensive.

Threes are helped by partners who love them for who they are rather than what they produce, or the image they project to the world.

 

Fours. The Romantic

relationship romantic

You are perceptive, expressive and individualistic. You feel a lifelong searching for a heart connection. You know all about attraction, hate, high drama and pain. You like an elegant lifestyle and to dress distinctively and uniquely. You often feel you are searching for love at a distance, then can feel disappointed when love is near at hand. We had it once. Where did it go? Emotional highs and lows are part of your life. You can feel deprived when you see others enjoy the happiness that you long for.

Fours in a relationship can contribute by being temperamental, self absorbed, emotionally needy, snobbish, depressed, and self indulgent.

Fours are helped by partners who can see the good in the here and now and who can stand fast during the intense emotional tides.

 

Fives. The Observer.

You are objective, calm and insightful. Your home is your castle where you like to withdraw to. You need low visibility, controlled contact with people, and uninterrupted private time. Your mind is your best companion and is also a refuge that is totally safe from invasion. Your needs are few as are your expectations of others. You detach from love and stay well away from any charged emotions in yourself or others.

Fives in a relationship can contribute by being contentious, arrogant, stingy, withdrawn, stubborn, withholding and alienated.

Fives are helped by partners who can make self disclosure safe, who can point out over-intellectualization and who respect your need for privacy time and space.

 

Sixes. The Trooper.

You are alert, witty and loyal. You question love and a rosy future. You are afraid to believe in love and be betrayed. You tend to be always wary, to question authority and to look for what others “really mean”. Your habit is to sceptical and cautious, and to look for hidden intentions. You are primed for opposition and doubtful of others support. When you’re flooded by apprehension, you go into thinking mode rather than doing. You can grow by regaining faith in people and learning to trust.

Sixes in a relationship can contribute by being anxious, paranoid, rigid, testy, suspicious, hypervigilant and cruel.

Sixes are helped by partners who offer reassurance, who remain steadfast when the future looks doubtful, and who are consistently fair in their dealings.

 

Sevens. The Epicure.

enneagram 7 relationship counselling

You are enthusiastic, fun-loving and spontaneous. Your life is an adventure and you are optimistic about it. Your world is full of options and ideas and plans to make the future bright. Everything’s alright when you’re looking ahead to a good time. Life’s OK when the energy starts to run.

Your life is like a banquet of experience, stuffing the weekly schedule and filling the mind with plans. Disappointments barely surface, suddenly there’s a whole new idea. You feel buoyed by a sense of personal worth and follow your interests. You don’t need to touch on the painful aspects of life.

Sevens in a relationship can contribute by being self centred, impulsive, rebellious, manic, restless, distractible and unreliable.

Sevens are helped by partners who encourage you to stay rather than move on to the next project and who can encourage you to touch on and deal with your pain.

 

Eights. The Boss.

You are energetic, brave and direct. You express your love through protection of your loved ones and respect for others is earned by power. You set the rules. A battle mentality is your normal mode. You know what you stand for, you know who stands against you, and you protect your position. You have a full bore approach to life. The energy switch is either on or off. When life is interesting, the energy comes on. You’re fully into it and you want to be in there first. You don’t often notice that others get stood on or forgotten.

Eights in a relationship can contribute by being insensitive, domineering, overly aggressive, combative, uncompromising and self centred.

Eights are helped by partners who stick to their own version of the truth, who hold ground under fire and who encourage you to allow the gentler and more sensitive parts of you to emerge.

 

Nines. The Mediator.

You are accepting, gentle and receptive. You tend to merge with your partner, losing your boundaries. You are so easy going, you forget your own priorities. You can take on another’s life as your own. There can be lots of energy for your partner’s agendas. You don’t feel you can say “No” to others but will get stubborn rather than get openly angry. You can relate to all sides of an argument, so it’s easy to forget your own agenda. It is so difficult to make decisions when you can see the benefits of all the options. You get sidetracked to incidental chores rather than do what’s important.

Nines in a relationship can contribute by being apathetic, stubborn, unassertive, spaced out, forgetful and overly accommodating.

Nines can be helped by partners who encourage you to have separate goals and to choose for yourself, and also support you to see your goals through to completion.

 

This is just a very small taste of what the Enneagram can show you about yourself, your partner and the dynamics in your relationship. If you would like to learn more about yourselves and each other, and why you have the unique relationship and problems you have,  call us.

Julie Hart