Sexual power struggles: Man wants sex; woman says “no”.

Sexual power struggles: Man wants sex; woman says “no”.

As I listen to people’s stories each week I am constantly made aware of how little understanding men and women have of their differences.

sexual problems

It’s not surprising. We’re not taught about relationships. It’s natural to assume the other person experiences the world the same way you do. But it simply not true. Men’s and women’s brains and bodies are wired very differently.

A common theme from women is ‘he just wants to have sex all the time’ vs. her male partner who’s saying ‘she’s never interested’.

There is often a grain of truth here, since men are designed to think sexual thoughts more frequently than women.  However, it’s important to understand:

  • most adult women feel sexual desire AFTER sexual activity has begun (the foreplay stage). So talking’s often not good enough.
  • loving men want sex and need a sexual connection in order to feel emotionally connected with their partner
  • women report needing to feel emotionally connected in order to feel sexually interested
  • women need considerably more time than men to become fully aroused, and
  • both partners are equal players in the process

Tips For Women
sexual connection

Understand that men do not feel loved by you unless you connect with them sexually. Sex helps men to access their hearts. It doesn’t matter how good a cook you are, or how beautiful the house looks.  If you reject him sexually, he doesn’t feel loved.

If saying ‘no’ is your default position, catch yourself before you do. Be willing to be open and receptive to him. Tell him (gently) what you need in order to respond to him. Create the conditions you need in order to relax.

Tips for Men

Understand that women do not feel loved (or sexually aroused) if you pester, whinge, complain, blame or pounce on them.

Criticising your partner’s appearance or body shape will also not endear her to you. Why would she let you in to that same body you’ve just criticised?

If you blame her for your lack of sex, look at yourself first. Where are you going wrong? Here’s a hint…She needs a loving approach and she needs to trust you. Take your time. Be mysterious, not predictable. Don’t reach straight for her breasts or genitals.

differing libidos

Offer her something she likes. Respect her wishes.

One woman who’s helping men and women understand each other is Alison Armstrong. She’s developed great tools for couples to learn how to work together as a team and communicate more effectively so you both get your needs met. To learn more, go to:

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page, or phone us on 1300830552 for more details and help.

Alison Rahn © Copyright 2010