I talked in an earlier post on why men find it difficult to express empathy. For women, I have found that one of the most challenging things for them is to stand up for themselves in their relationship; I have many many women clients express how they are sick of their men controlling them, or they have lost themselves in their relationships over time.
The female brain is built primarily for connection and social harmony. In a women’s brain, the communication and emotional memory centers are larger than in men’s, and additionally women have huge supplies of the hormones Oestrogen and Oxytocin.
Oestrogen creates an intense focus on communication and emotions, and Oxytocin, which is released when during intimate times (with a partner or a baby or child) leads to strong desires to nurture, help, serve, attach and bond, and additionally, triggers the trust circuits, by shutting down the critical and skeptical mind.
As well as this, the psychological stress of conflict registers far more deeply in female brains than in men’s.
So, maintaining the social approval of others, and the relationship at all costs is the goal, if you are a woman. Women are built to build social bonds based on communication and compromise, and to preserve harmonious relationships.
This all leads to women having outstanding verbal ability, a great ability to connect deeply in friendship and develop empathy, an almost psychic capacity to read faces and tone of voice for emotions and states of minds, a response to distress in others, and a wonderful ability to defuse conflict.
What does this mean?
In summary, women are built to highly value communication, connection, emotional sensitivity and consideration for others. All of these qualities are worthwhile, however women need to be careful not to overdo these and lose themselves in their relationships.
Men, on the other hand, with the flow of testosterone in their system, and more development in the Sexual and Aggressions centres of the brain, are built to be potent and affect the world as an individual.
This has a profound effect on our relationships with each other.
It means that men can learn from women how to be more empathic and communicative and connective, as mentioned earlier; and equally, women can learn from men how to pay attention to their own needs and be more assertive in standing up for themselves, particularly in their relationships with their man.
Name-calling, possessiveness, manipulation – this kind of psychological torture can be subtle, but the scars aren’t.
When Bec, 20, started going out with Chris, life was sweet. But as time passed, he began to change. “He started telling me what I should wear, what I should be eating and who I should be friends with”, she says.
At first Bec thought he was just joking, and brushed the criticism aside. But his controlling nature got worse and Bec eventually stopped talking to friends and her family – because Chris didn’t like them. “I knew it wasn’t right but I put up with it. I was afraid what would happen if I broke up with him”.
You might think you know what domestic abuse looks like – the photos of Rihanna’s bruised and battered face are pretty hard to forget – but ask any psychologist and they’ll agree that Bec was the victim of abuse. Abuse of the emotional kind.
What does emotional abuse look like?
“People experiencing emotional abuse feel trapped”, says psychologist, Angelica Bilibio. “Often, people don’t realise that they’re in an emotionally abusive relationship because it’s not as tangible as other forms of violence. But it’s psychological violence, and can be as bad as physical and sexual abuse”.
It’s precisely because this kind of relationship is so subtle, and slow to develop, that it can be difficult to recognise as being toxic.
Alarm bells
So what is emotional abuse? “Common signs include a lack of empathy for the victim; anger; demanding and selfish behaviour; destructive patterns when dealing with conflict; and an emotional climate marked by hot and cold”, says Bilibio.
“The victim feels ‘unseen’ in the relationship, and that they’re constantly walking on eggshells”.
Also, forget the idea that abuse always involves a physical element, adds psychologist, David Indermaur. “Many perpetrators of domestic violence never actually hit their victim”, he says.
The long-term effects of this kind of abuse include major trust issues, low self-esteem, health problems, depression, anxiety, and a decrease in functioning (think: work and sleep problems).
When love is all too blind
In unhealthy relationships, it can be difficult to accept that the person you love is hurting you. Domestic abusers exploit the other person’s affection or dependency for their personal gain. “They can be very convincing, loving and appreciative”, says Bilibio.
The abuser regularly uses push-and-pull tactics to assert control. Bec recalls, “Chris would say something really rude, and then if I got offended he would blame himself and apologise profusely. It was really confusing. He came from a pretty violent family, so it also frightened me”.
It’s especially hard to see things straight if you’re not that experienced with relationships. Emma was 18 when she met 24-year-old David. “It was my first adult relationship”, she says. “I just thought every guy acted like this”.
David discouraged Emma from seeing her friends, and made negative comments about her weight. Over time her confidence was so diminished, she no longer knew what was normal.
“Eventually, my parents sat me down. I began to realise his behaviour was wrong. When I think about abuse, I think about violence – but emotional abuse is so subtle. You begin to doubt your inner voice because you’ve become so groomed and manipulated that you can’t see right from wrong”.
Danger zone
When a cycle of dysfunction starts to feel normal, it becomes harder to get out. It took Cara, now 31, four years to leave her boyfriend, Josh.
“Every day there was a negative comment – ‘you’re fat, you’re ugly, I’m the only one who would possibly want you’”, she recalls. But the abuse didn’t stop there. At first it was a few pushes. Then, when she fell pregnant and opted to have an abortion, Josh punched her in the stomach repeatedly.
It got so bad Cara contemplated suicide. “It was the darkest moment of my life”, she says. The violence went on until the day Josh tried to strangle her. “I thought, ‘Holy sh!t, I’m gonna die, because of this idiot’”.
She finally walked out, but the scars remain. Over the course of their relationship she’d racked up $150 000 debt on her credit card to support him, put on 60kg, and lost her career in law. “I’m still undoing the damage from that time now”, Cara admits.
Getting out
Summoning the courage to leave can be the hardest part. If you decide to go, tell a friend first. “Have a safety plan, and deliver the news remotely”, advises Indermaur. “Research shows that the most dangerous time for a woman is at that particular moment”.
If you’re not sure whether you’re being emotionally abused, consider this: “A relationship should make you feel better than when you’re by yourself”, says Indermaur. If you don’t feel good around him, talk to a trusted friend or a professional
How can you be a friend in need?
Worried that someone you know could be caught in an emotionally abuse relationship?
Gentle, clear intervention and unconditional support is the best way to go. Be careful not to be too critical about their partner. “Most women will get their guard up”, says Cara. “If friends had approached me in a logical way and given me an article on domestic violence, I’d probably have read the characteristics, and gone, ‘Oh my God, that’s me’”.
Indermaur suggests it’s better to listen than to give advice. “Let the person know what’s normal and what’s not – that kind of clarity is often very helpful”.
If you are experiencing any of these signs of emotional abuse or if you are not sure and would like to talk it over with a professional, we have experienced Relationship Psychologists in Sydney and all capital and large regional cities in Australia. We can help you. Contact us now.
(This is an article written in the July 2013 edition of Cosmopolitan magazine where 2 of our
Sydney Hart Psychologists Angelica Bilibio & David Indermaur were interviewed.)
If someone is inconsiderate of you, or walks all over you, do you smile politely while quietly seething underneath?
Do you find yourself catering for others needs and even whims even when there is no real reciprocation on their part? (for example Angela and Allan’s romance and relationship was based on lots of give and take. Angela gave – which included back rubs, complements and gifts, and Allan took, without ever thinking to reciprocate in any way)
Why am I a doormat?
Many doormats rationalize to themselves that they are taking the moral highroad in their relationships, that if they model kind and thoughtful behaviour towards their partner, he or she might also treat them in the same way, but more often than not, this does not result in a more considerate partner, but rather a more self- centred one.
Too often long suffering partners find themselves with people who exploit them mercilessly.
An unbalanced relationship
If you find that in your relationship, you are doing all the giving and your partner is doing all the taking, you are in an unbalanced relationship.
It is important to understand why this happens for you.
While your endless tolerance might seem to be coming from a deep and abiding love, in fact it is almost certainly arising from fear.
You tendency not to say anything negative about your relationship, or to speak up about for your own needs and wants, and to just put up with what you are given, is borne of a number of fears. You can be fearful of anger from your partner, fearful of conflict, fearful of losing control, or fearful of emotional abandonment. These fears usually originate in your childhood experiences.
Having this awareness of why is the first step to doing something constructive about changing your situation.
How can you know if you are a people pleasing Door Mat?
There are 2 red flags to alert you that you are behaving as a Door mat.
1. You notice a tendency among the people around you to become increasingly selfish, exploitative and unfair.
2. You notice a growing disconnection between your own feelings and your actions, directly proportional to how badly you’re being treated. For example even though you continue to tolerate bad and selfish behaviour, you are beginning to feel hurt, resentful or even seething with underlying rage.
Listen to this underlying anger. It is telling you that what you are doing is not good for you; that on a deeper level your psyche is railing against this unfair and unkind treatment.
Often those who are doormats worry that the only alternative to grovelling niceness is aggressive dominance, but this is not the case. There is a middle ground called assertiveness, which is nether passive or aggressive, and it is the only healthy way to behave in a relationship.
The way forward to feeling happy in a healthy relationship involves 4 steps:
1.Honestly assess what is happening in your relationship and whether your relationship is balanced and fair or not (whether it be your partner or anyone else in your family, your friends or at work)
2. Express your truth authentically and firmly to this person.This might be that you are having a problem with his/her behaviour, stating your needs or wants in your relationship, or your views.
4. Be open to feedback without collapsing or abandoning your own perspective.
5. If your partner can not accept or tolerate your truth or needs or perspective when you have expressed them in a clear and firm manner, then you may wish to consider whether this person really has your best interests at heart, and begin to question your wisdom in continuing this relationship.
Often when you are trying to break the habits of a lifetime, you can need support in doing so. Our Psychologists Australia wide, are trained to help you through these passages and into more healthier and happier ways of being and relationships.
Both Relationship and Individual Counselling is available by our trained Psychologists in 60 locations Australia wide, in Sydney and all capital and large regional cities, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
Why is it that droves of smart, competent, savvy, successful women right across the world, are still waking up to find that they have lost or diminished themselves in their relationship yet again?
Having counselled many thousands of women in their relationships and individually over the last 12 years as a Psychologist, one of the most striking patterns I have discovered is how little women, truly love and honor themselves, and it particularly shows up in their relationships.
Many women neither know of, nor believe in, their own true power.
Even with a generation of women’s liberation, there are many secret places where women still do not feel and act on their true and authentic power.
Are you one of the many women who, although successful in many ways in their lives, have not found your full female power yet, and particularly in your closest relationships?
Biologically, both the female brain and the effects of estrogen in their system means that women are built primarily for connection and social harmony, and that is what drives a female to do from birth.
Without being conscious of it at all, maintaining the social approval of others, and the relationship at all costs is the goal, if you are “wired” and “marinated” as a girl.
So, in summary and in general, women put their relationship needs first, their personal needs second; and men put their own needs first, and their relationship needs second.
Or alternatively, women tend to over-function in their togetherness and emotional closeness, and under-function in their independent, individual self.
Men, on the other hand, tend towards over-functioning on their individual self, and under-functioning in their togetherness and emotional closeness.
To have a happy life with a fabulous relationship, we need BOTH in equal measures.
If you are a woman, who has lost a lot of yourself in your relationship,then the solution is learning how and where this has happened, and how you can become more true to yourself and go for what you love, first and foremost.
There are 2 steps in the empowerment process.
Step 1. Discover just what you have given up for love.
How have you shrunk, or squashed yourself in your relationship? (like as soon as you think of something you would like or love, you just cancel it in your own mind)
Where are you feeling contracted in your life, and does it relate to your being in your relationship?
Have you lost the feeling of your own potential? What parts of yourself have you not yet experienced or explored, or lost?
What aspects of your relationship drain you and your energy?
Where have you defined yourself as your partner defines you?
Where have you behaved in ways because you sought your partner’s approval?
Step 2. Start tapping into your Inner Authentic Power
First stop what’s not been working
Start with you by designing your life from the inside out.
Use your anger and resentment as your Wake-up Call
Finding your Goddess energy, and showing your man the difference between love making and sex.
“It’s women who create life. Women who inspire. Women who can bring out the hero in every ordinary man. Women who understand the language of ecstasy. Ah, what a privilege it is to be a woman” (Regina Thomashauer)
If you need help with empowering yourself in your relationship, we have Individual and Relationship Psychologists in Sydney and all other capital cities and large regional areas of Australia. Call us now for an appointment or you can use our Search box to the right of this page to find our Psychologist closest to you
Despite our fairy tales any one who has been around for a while knows that they are not always easy.
They are challenging, they require us to adjust, dig deep, become better people, forgive, support and nurture.
This difficult aspect of relationships is a big part of why they are actually so good for us. However not all relationships are good for us, some don’t allow us to grow but require us to diminish ourselves.
Should I stay or should I go?
It is worth considering some basic principles that are useful to keep in mind when grappling with difficult relationships and dealing with the most basic of all relationship questions – should I stay or should I go?
We can approach this question in a number of different ways but at its heart the question is: “is this worth it?” Translation: Will I be better off staying in this relationship or will I be better off leaving?
Often we don’t know how to assess whether we will be better off in or out.
Sometimes we know we will be better off out of the relationship but we don’t feel strong enough to leave, or we are afraid of leaving. If we really believe that we would be better off out but we don’t want to leave out of fear or lack of self confidence it is important to know that help is available. Some of these sources of help will be listed below.
You don’t have the right to leave?
One of the most common obstacles to leaving (even when you have decided that you would be better off out of the relationship) is the belief that you don’t have the right to leave.
It is important to know that you do have the right to leave. This is a free country and every individual has the right to decide whether to be in a relationship. The relationship does not, and can not, exist without the consent, that is the free choice of both parties.
One party might want the relationship but unless the other party also chooses the relationship there is no relationship.
Relationships are a choice you can make
This way of looking at things is helpful because it makes it plain that the relationship is a matter of choice. You choose to be in a relationship with a certain person and every moment you stay with that person you are choosing to be in the relationship. It is important to actually feel this choice and to get in touch with the choice aspect of the relationship.
Sometimes we try to fool ourselves and believe we are “stuck” in a relationship in the same way as if we were shipwrecked and stuck on a dessert island. Why would we do this?
Why do we feel we are stuck here?
One of the most common reasons is that we don’t want to admit that although there are lots of things about the person and the relationship that we don’t like we figure that even a broken down relationship is better than no relationship at all.
So it comes back to our choice – we are choosing to be in the relationship – but now we don’t want to admit that it is our choice – we like to think we are stuck in the relationship or being held in the relationship against our will.
This way we can complain about our partner, feel bad about the relationship and ourselves but also don’t have to face the prospect of being alone.
Even though they know that they are loosing more and more self esteem and that they are unhappy they believe that the prospect of being alone would be so terrible it is better to stay in the prison they know as their relationship.
Just as a smoker develops an intimate relationship with cigarettes and believes he/she couldn’t survive without them, a person in a destructive relationship often comes to believe that things would be so terrible if they were to be alone it is better to put up with a life sentence of an unhappy relationship.
No one else can make you stay in or leave a relationship – that choice has to be yours. If you feel stuck in a destructive relationship and want to get out but don’t feel strong enough please be aware that there are many people willing and able to help you.
Is there violence in your relationship?
A healthy relationship can be defined in a number of ways but it must fundamentally be a safe relationship – you should feel safe in a relationship you choose.
A relationship that involves violence is unhealthy.
Violence is an extreme form of coercion or control. When one party tries to take the choice away from the other person by using emotional or physical abuse they are being violent and they are violating the first rule of all relationships – it is a matter of choice.
We are not living in a country where anyone has the right to take this choice away from you. But we are living in a country where many people will try and take this choice away from you. This is because they have developed the belief that they can do this and maybe even that it is right to do this.
Mostly people get these wrong ideas from the families they grew up in – maybe they watched their mother or father abuse and control their partner and so they think this is OK – or even normal – and they try to get away with it in their relationship.
It is important to take a stand against this violence.
Everyone has a choice and everyone has their rights. Many have experienced some form of physical domestic violence. Many more have experienced the non-physical forms of domestic violence – attempts to control or coerce through verbal, emotional and psychological abuse.
Develop a “radar” for any signs that your partner is trying to dominate or control you or coerce you – for example with emotional blackmail.
It is important that if you feel like you are with someone who could get violent that you have a safety plan – that means a carefully worked out plan to get away from where the violent man will be and where he knows you will be.
If you are planning to leave a relationship and there is any suggestion or possibility of physical force being an issue – plan your move carefully, get to a safe place somewhere he doesn’t know about and break the news over the phone or with a letter – this gives him time to absorb the message and calm down.
Don’t be fooled into putting yourself at risk for any reason.
I think most of us know that when times are tough, we seem to fight more with our partner, but have you ever wondered why? How financial stress is transferred right into relationship problems?
Well, there are 2 areas of the brain mostly responsible for this, the amygdala and the brain stem. Without going into huge detail, our amygdala registers the fear that comes with financial stresses, and before we know it, it has communicated that to our brain stem which goes into survival mode and has us responding in either fight, flight or freezing.
Whichever one is chosen, whenever we are in this survival mode, we are reactive, and it is this reactivity that makes it very difficult for us to be open and receptive to others, which is necessary to have a good relationship with them.
So, we can’t stay open and attune to others, we don’t pause before responding, we can’t empathise with another, we have trouble getting a deeper insight into what is going on between us, we lose contact with our intuition, and we lose access to our moral awareness.
This then has us going down the low road rather than the higher road in our communications with our partner. Once this negative spiral starts, it usually goes nowhere but down, getting quite ugly at times. There are no happy endings unless it is stopped.
We are all potentially prone to this kind of disintegration. The key is to firstly recognise what is happening, and catch yourself as early as possible.
Taking personal responsibility for yourself is the first thing to do. As soon as you feel yourself reacting rather than responding, when you can feel emotional upset or emotional charge internally, then put up your hand, interrupt the conversation, and say to your partner “I am being reactive”.
Arrange with your partner for this to signal “We need to stop for 15 minutes, spend time on our own settling down and reflecting on what just happened and why, then come back and return to the conversation from a more aware and neutral place”.
If you can both agree to do this each time either of you is feeling reactive, you can save a huge amount of wasted energy and upset in arguments, and really get to having a healthy conversation, even if , to start with, it is punctuated with a few breaks.
For further help with your communication and relationship problems, I urge you to seek relationship counselling as early as possible, as there is always a solution to a problematic situation.
Have you ever felt unloved by your partner, because they’re not showing you they love you in the way that is most meaningful for you?
If you’re like many people, often you may not realise that the way you most prefer to be ‘shown’ you’re loved, can be quite different to how your partner shows their love. It all comes down to your ‘love language’.
If you have ever felt your partner doesn’t love you, then it may be because he or she doesn’t have the same love languages as you do.
According to Gary Chapman, there are basically 5 love languages or ways that people express their love.
For most couples, these are different from each other.
When we are in a love relationship, we tend to speak our own primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating, or doesn’t feel our love.
When we can identify and also learn to speak our partners love language, we have the key to a truly loving relationship.
Often people can determine their own unique love language by reviewing the 5 below and recognising the one or two that are usually most important or meaningful for them. Have a look below and see what stands out for you, and have your partner do the same.
Here are the 5 Love Languages:
1. Words of affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. According to Dr. Chapman, this language uses words to affirm other people (how meaningful they are to us, how much we love them, how much we appreciate them, etc). For those who prefer the words of affirmation language, hearing “I love you” and other compliments are what they value the most. Words hold real value within this language. Furthermore, negative or insulting comments cut deep — and won’t be easily forgiven.
2. Quality time
This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention. It also includes empathic conversations, sharing thoughts, feelings and desires in an open uninterrupted environment. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful to these individuals. Being there for them is crucial. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
3. Receiving gifts
Giving gifts are a symbol of thinking about your partner, and often are visual gifts of love. Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.
4. Acts of service
Can cleaning up the kitchen really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. These could include cooking a meal, washing dishes, changing the babies nappies, vacuuming the floor, cleaning the car. People who thrive on this language do not deal well with broken promises — or perceived laziness — and have very little tolerance for people who make more work for them.
5. Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. Physical touch is a powerful vehicle to expressing your love. These include, holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling, touching and making love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
How to determine your primary love language.
There are 3 methods of discovering what your primary Love Language is.
Ask yourself the following questions:
What does my partner do or fail to do that hurts me deeply? If your primary love language is used negatively by your spouse, it will hurt you more deeply than it will someone else, because not only is he neglecting to speak your primary love language, but he is actually using that language as a knife to your heart.
In what way do you regularly express your love for your partner? This is usually what you are wishing your partner would do for you.
What have you most often asked for from your partner? The thing you have most often asked for is likely to be the one that will make you feel most loved.
Once you know your partner’s love languages
Once you have identified the primary love language for each of you, it is important to give to your partner using their primary love language first and foremost.
Then both of you will feel whole-heartedly loved.
If you need help in discovering your love languages and/or communicating with your partner and ensuring that you both feel loved by each other, phone us for help. We have 70 Relationship Psychologists Australia wide who can assist you create a healthy and happy relationship again.
Both Relationship and Individual Counselling is available Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins
Cost: $175 – $195
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
It was once joked that “a Narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house”.
If you have ever felt that your partner feels superior to others, or more entitled to things than others, then this may mean that he or she may have more than their fair share of Narcissistic tendencies. Perhaps he/she finds a host of ways to devalue you or ignore you, or perhaps try to control you?
Or perhaps, if you are honest with yourself, it might be you who has many of these characteristics?
If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, it will feel like a very one-sided relationship.
An integral part of a healthy relationship is a sense of equality and consideration and empathy for each other. In fact no relationship can feel rewarding and supportive if either partner is mostly self absorbed.
Narcissism is considered a spectrum Disorder, which means that there are degrees of manifestation of the characteristics, so a person could have a couple of Narcissistic traits, which is considered fairly normal, or have many and be considered to have a full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as defined in the DSMV, or sit anywhere in between.
To discover where you or your partner sit in relation to these characteristics, here are the 9 Essential Characteristics of the Narcissistic Spectrum.
The 9 Characteristics of Narcissism
An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self importance that isn’t supported by reality. He/she believes that his/her priorities, interests, opinions and beliefs are better than or more important than others and as a result, they feel entitled to dominate and control those around them. He/she can even seem quite modest in public about these views, but usually at home these are evident.
A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, power, beauty or love. He/she lives more in a fantasy world of their own making than in reality of both successes and recognised failures.
A belief that he/she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special people. He/she sees himself/herself as more special than others, whether it be more accomplished, more feeling, more giving, more ethical, more long suffering, more insightful, etc.
An intense need for admiration. When in conversation, he/she can’t listen attentively and will bring the conversation back around to him/her. Often partners of a Narcissist will refer to the one thing they have in common with their Narcissist partner is that they both love him/her.
A delusional sense of entitlement. He/she feels that rules, regulations and normal standards don’t apply to them, and also may find hard work, working toward a goal, illness and injury difficult to cope with, as they believe themselves to be above these kind of common things.
A tendency to exploit others without guilt and remorse. He/she is a “user” who may manipulate situations such that others end up doing all the work (and the Narcissist often gets the glory), or may end up losing their money. He/she will also promise things that they never deliver on.
An absence of meaningful empathy for others. This is almost a universal trait with all Narcissists. He/she is so caught up in their own grandiose fantasy life that they pay no real attention to others in any genuine way. In the courting stage, he/she will use “fake empathy”, but beyond this stage, partners of Narcissists feel completely unsupported and not understood.
A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others envy. He/she will be very envious if others close by have more than him/her, and will usually express this as contempt, distain and belittling towards them.
An arrogant attitude. He/she will often be judgemental and condescending toward anyone who they feel is not up to their high standards and will regularly “put down” others to bolster their own self esteem.
Now that you know the overall characteristics of Narcissism, here is a list of the many specific and subtle characteristics. The more you find in your partner (or yourself) the closer they (or you) are to a Narcissistic Personality Disorder end of the spectrum, which means the more difficult (or impossible) they will be to live with, or to maintain a healthy relationship with.
Research has shown that approximately 75% of those with Narcissistic traits are male and 25% are female.
How Can I tell if my partner is Narcissistic?
Our 100 point Narcissist Profile:
1. One minute he/she appears loving and appreciative, the next minute he/she is putting you down, punishing youor giving you the silent treatment.
2. He/she feels entitled to special or preferential treatment because of who he/she is.
3. He/she lacks humility and will avoid admitting that he/she is wrong or to blame for anything.
4. You get the sense that he/she is always trying to gain the upper hand with you and others.
5. He/she always talks of himself/herself in glowing grandiose terms.
6. He/she never admits his/her problems or insecurities.
7. He/she says words with such conviction, but you get the strange feeling that they don’t represent the real orwhole truth or are a distortion of the truth.
8. It’s hard to feel completely relaxed and good in his/her presence.
9. He/she seems very agitated and angry when you are happy of your own accord, unless he/she has been the source of your happiness.
10. He/she often feels misunderstood by others.
11. He/she appears wonderful to outsiders but is often very mean at home to you and the children. (street angel/home devil)
12. He/she doesn’t seem to have any real presence or depth to him/her.
13. He/she is most happy and delightful when you are admiring or adoring him/her.
14. He/she is not honest or truthful. He/she will bend the truth to suit his/her own ends.
92. He/she will not ask for what he/she wants, so that you can negotiate fairly.
93. He/she will not respond at all to your requests, or will respond with frustration, or will only seem to respond but not follow through.
94. Your attempts to enhance the relationship, improve communication, and find some happiness all lead to difficulties.
95. Whenever you try to explain that you are not thinking what he/she is saying you are thinking or doing, he/shewill not hear or understand, or negates you in some way.
96. He/she behaves well towards you when you are of one mind with him/her, but the trouble starts when you express either different views from him/her or your own feelings.
97. He/she can’t have fun banter with you. The only way he/she has fun with people is if he is having fun at another’s expense.
98. The way he/she treats you has deteriorated radically since you became more settled together (move in together, got married, started having children)
100. You feel energetically drained when with him/her, and energised when not with him/her.
How partners feel when they are attempting to have a relationship with a Narcissist.
In a way that you often can’t exactly identify clearly you can feel:
Very disappointed and disillusioned about who he/she seems to be now, compared with who he/she was in the beginning stages of the relationship
Confused because of the lies and half truths he/she continually feeds you
Hurt and shell shocked because of the myriad of ways he/she belittles, criticises and blames you
The relationship feels unrewarding because it never feels that he/she is really there, and it is not possible to share any real intimacy with him/her
Unhappy because he/she always tries to undermine the happiness you create for yourself
Untrusting of yourself because you don’t know what to trust anymore, wanting a real and happy relationship but always feeling that it is not available to you
Intensely frustrating when he/she can’t be reasonable or honour agreements or work with you for a win-win solution
Utter perplexity at how he/she can be so sweet and nice one minute, and so mean and callous the next
How did you find yourself in a relationship with a Narcissist?
You may be wondering why anyone would be masochistic enough to ever get themselves into a relationship with such a person; one that leaves you feeling so dreadful?
But the truth is that things start off very differently. The narcissist is an absolute perfect delight right from the first day you start dating: wining, dining and gifts, nothing is too much trouble for him/her; your every whim is his/her desire; he/she is truly the perfect and charming partner.
Finding yourself in a “whirlwind romance”, he/she will appear to be all you have ever wanted in a partner and in a relationship, so much so that it all seems almost “too good to be true”, which of course it is.
At this stage you are his/her “prey”, and he/she is an expert at contriving his/her behaviour to impress you, and being sensitive to what you are wanting, until he/she has snared you. He/she has you in his/her sights as his/her next source of Narcissistic supply, so all his/her energies, shows of love, affection and fake empathy are committed to lure you.
The transition:
However this “impress the socks off” stage doesn’t last, and once he/she now feels secure in the relationship (this happens most commonly at the 3 major transitions: when you move in together, when you get married, or when you start having children) there is now no longer a need for making an effort.
Without realizing it, you are now owned by him/her; you have crossed over into his/her self definition boundary. With this transition comes the expectation that you now are an extension of him/her.
This dumbfounding change can be made almost overnight, or at a more gradual pace, but change it does.
The “Bubble”:
One man described that for him it felt like he and his wife were in a big bubble that he had created as his reality. His wife had freedom, and all was happy, as long as she stayed in the bubble. “There was room to move about so the illusion of freedom seemed real to her. But when she expressed an idea of her own, or any feelings, it was like she was stepping out of his bubble and stepping into her own. But he did not want her out there. He feared being alone with himself. He feared being with his feelings. So he tried to pull her back into his bubble, or worse, injure her so she could never leave, or worse yet, disorient her so she can never find her way out.” Whatever control measure or verbal abuse it took, getting her back inside the bubble where he could feel safe again was his primary objective.
The Narcissist usually feels a great and strong love for his/her partner, but this is in essence a control connection rather than real love. There is no regard for his/her individuality, no empathy or understanding, and usually an angry assault or the silent treatment, every time he/she shows any signs of separateness.
This leaves you feeling shunned, negated, unseen, unheard, trivialised, and, as a result, also very confused, sad, and often outraged that you have been so invaded or negated, every time you express your individuality.
All the while he/she denies any wrongdoing, not being willing to recognise the devastating effects on you.
What happens in a Narcissist’s mind, and how did he/she become a Narcissist?
Narcissism is based on an inflated “false self”, which has developed as a result of a developmental arrest in childhood. As a child, he/she withdrew inwards and resorted to grandiose fantasies of being superior, special, perfectly loved, self sufficient and self important.
This was to cover the vulnerability, self doubt and worthlessness that was at his/her core.
To keep his grandiose “false self” alive in his mind and his fears of abandonment at bay, he/she is in constant search for sources of narcissistic supply, an abundant “fan club”, which will supply him/her with positive attention, adulation and appreciation, and if that is not possible, fear from others will suffice.
The more damage he/she sustained in childhood, the larger the grandiosity and the more severe the Narcissism, and the more donations are desperately needed from others to keep propping up the fantasy self. Emotional pain dominates his/her internal landscape. He/she may project arrogance and charisma, but underneath he/she feels unworthy.
It is a constant and exhausting endeavour as he/she continually seeks to manipulate others to give him/her the required fix. He/she will do anything to get it, and won’t let people’s feelings or the truth get in the way.
To keep this all going internally, he/she uses a combination of 6 defense mechanisms
1. Splitting is the first one. This means he/she fails to regard anyone, including himself/herself, as a composite of good and bad. Instead, he/she sees everyone as either “all good” or “all bad”. He/she, of course is “all good”, and you as the partner begin by being “all good” which has him/her idealising you, and internalising you to support his/her grandiosity, but as soon as you fail to do this, you become “all bad” and he/she immediately devalues you, with the resulting punishment in various forms metered out to you.
2. Dissociation & altered perception. Narcissists often recall things very differently from healthy people, or fail to recall things at all if they don’t resonate with his/her superiority.
3. Rationalisation is the assertion that a flaw doesn’t exist, or if it does, it isn’t the Narcissists. (“There is nothing wrong with me. I never have problems”) These rationalisations can be very convoluted and obscure, as they often fly in the face of observable facts.
4. Projection is the curious strategy whereby the Narcissist is subconsciously aware of what he/she is in fact doing himself, but projects it onto you, with the result that you then get blamed for exactly what he/she is doing himself/herself, and he/she casts himself/herself as the blameless victim.
5. Denial is simply the assertion that something is not so, when ordinary observation or common sense confirms that it is in fact true. Anything that doesn’t reinforce his/her grandiose image will be denied. The Emperor has no clothes and he can’t be told.
6. Blame shifting is what happens when the Narcissist insists there is nothing possibly wrong with him/her, so all the blame must be attributed to you or everyone else in the world.
How did you become a willing victim? Why you?
If you find yourself in a relationship with a Narcissist, at some stage you might wonder why you? What does this say about you, your tolerance for pain and your sanity?
It is true that there is a particular kind of person that finds themself with a Narcissist, at least often well beyond the first indication that there is an underlying nastiness in him.
The kind of person who seems to unwittingly attract a Narcissist is someone who has what I call a “Sacrificial Self”, (which has also been referred to as Co-dependent or compliant or a deflated false self). This means you may have a tendency to unnecessarily attribute blame to yourself in situations when you haven’t done anything wrong.
In Transactional Analysis terms, a Narcissist’s underlying Life position is I’m Ok, You’re Not OK, whereas a Sacrificial’s underlying Life Position is I’m Not OK, You’re OK.
How Can I tell if I am a Sacrificial Self?
Here again, it is important to understand that there are varying degrees of this kind of Self, as there are with a Narcissistic self.
A Sacrificial person is characterised by:
1. A deflated False self
2. Your feelings are often numbed, and you are not always aware of them in the moment
3. You experience a lack of awareness of your own needs.
4. You also are not good at knowing what your real wants are.
5. You often feel guilt and shame for not being able to meet people’s needs
6. Your loved ones withdrawing their love, or threatening to withdraw it, triggers a lot of anxiety in you
7. You are often not truly in touch with your own deeper truth
8. You can often prefer to live in a fantasy where you believe your partner truly loves you, even though much of the evidence can show you the contrary
9. You have experienced poor self esteem over your life
10. You are not always able to see where your boundaries should and shouldn’t be
11. You are not often able to assertively stand up to those you love
12. You can at times feel a vague sense of depression and emptiness
13. You can lack a sense of a healthy entitlement in your relationships
14. You can often feel frustrated and dissatisfied with your life
15. There are times when you feel your life has no meaning
16. You have an underlying belief that I must sacrifice myself to survive in a relationship
17. In a relationship, you may be responsive and reactive to your partner, rather than proactive
18. You excessively blame yourself in your relationship
19. You often have the underlying sense that if something is going right for you at the moment, it probably won’t last.
20. You tend to take more than your fair share of responsibility in a relationship, to make it better and improve it.
Interestingly and importantly, a Sacrificial’s profile is less defended that the Narcissist, and less destructive to others, and therefore closer to achieving a healthy relationship, if you can gain true insight into what is happening and what is going wrong in your relationships and be able to develop a stronger identity and boundaries.
If this is you, during your childhood, as you were developing your real self and identity as an individual, your mother or father may have been challenged by your emerging separate self. It often happens that she or her was a Narcissist. So whenever you expressed your real feelings, needs or wants, you were abandoned, criticised or blamed. Often, your relationship with your parent was set up so that you took responsibility for meeting your parents’ needs, rather than she/he meeting your needs.
So you learned that in order to survive and experience any form of love and attention, you had to abandon yourself and “toe the line”.
As a result your individual identity may have been severely compromised.
You may not have had the opportunity to:
– Develop your own deep truth and reality
– Form healthy boundaries to keep out unwanted and unhealthy influences
– Feel your real feelings
– Be aware of your needs and wants
– Have permission to explore your desires and creativity
This often leads to an underlying depression, frustration and dissatisfaction which feeds the belief “In order to have love, I have to avoid self activation” and “I am not entitled to genuine love and also my own full self expression”.
When not in a relationship, you may feel empty, as you have not been given the experience of growing your real identity, (which is a composite of your truth, feelings, needs, wants, desires, passions and boundaries)
So, when in a relationship you may cling and try very hard, minimise your feelings, needs and wants, as well as hold yourself back from being assertive in what you want, and even believe what your partner is saying over what you may think is the your truth, and trust him over yourself.
In addition to these personal characteristics, there are other reasons why you can get caught up and remain in a Narcissist’s web.
Why have I allowed this kind of controlling behaviour into my life?
Here are some of the reasons why you may have allowed this type of controlling behaviour in to your relationship.
1. You assume that there is good will, that your partner really does want to understand you, and when he/she she doesn’t, it is because you haven’t been able to explain it fully enough. (In fact a Narcissist is trying to control, not understand you at all, despite their protestations to the contrary)
2. The Narcissist usually expresses great love for you, and also shows love in other ways with gifts and kind things, so it seems inconceivable that he/she would also be trying to devalue your thoughts and feelings.
3. These controlling events usually happen in private, and as well, there is usually a complete denial of any wrong doing by the Narcissist, so your suspicions are never validated by anyone else, so you can feel your going crazy, or perhaps over reacting.
5.Frequent assaults over time can tend to normalise these acts in your mind, and you can begin to question yourself.
6. The Narcissist has usually been so lovable up until the transition, that it is very difficult to rationalise such a change in him/her.
7. You can believe your partner is rational, and has often made a wrong assumption about you, and when you explain it to him/her, then he/she will understand. (However you find that no matter how much you attempt to explain your view, they never understand. This is because they are not there to understand, they are there to distort your view.)
8.You have not been aware of such a thing as Narcissism, verbal abuse and controlling measures, and though even though you have felt hurt and frustrated and confused, you haven’t understood what has been going on.
9. You can think your feelings are wrong.
10. Your partner can be good at times and not at others, adding to the confusion.
11. The abuse can be subtle, with the control increasing gradually over time, so you gradually adapt to it.
12. You can sometime be so stunned or thrown off balance to be able to think clearly about what has just happened.
What can you do if you are living with a Narcissist?
If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, in his mind, you are an extension of him/her and he/she must always win, so his/her eruptions of temper and ego and devaluations and guilt are sharp and designed to cut you to the core, leaving you wounded.
So, in an overall sense, you will experience problems with his/her lack of honesty, humility and empathy for your feelings.
He/she is unable to relate to other people other than in terms of his own inflated self image and his unrealistic projections of himself/herself onto others, so as his/her partner you are expected to provide adulation and perfect responsiveness. When you fail to do this, you can expect to be devalued, by raging, blaming or the silent treatment.
These rapid vacillations between absolutely overvaluing (and idealising) you, and then completely devaluing you make a healthy relationship almost impossible to sustain.
The best advice is to be aware of and recognise what is happening and stand up for yourself on each occasion. How effective this strategy will be will dependent on your commitment to not back down, and his/her degree of Narcissism.
Most partners find that standing up for themselves in the relationship is fraught with difficulties, as often the Narcissist will double and treble his/her defensive responses when you start to do so, in order for you to retreat to the way you were, so realistically, most partners find that the support of a good counsellor/Psychologist who understands these challenges is usually needed.
Can your relationship be helped?
If both you and your partner are committed to make your relationship a healthy and happy one, then I believe this is worth working on.
Finding a Psychologist who is familiar and experienced with these conditions is important as Narcissism can be notoriously difficult to pick up in a few sessions if the Psychologist is not trained in this. (Education on Narcissism is taught in Psychology courses but does not fully explain the widespread occurrence of this condition, and also the full ramifications of this, particularly to the partner.
We at the Hart Centre are committed to ongoing education and training in these areas and in supporting you in managing yourself and your relationships.)
The success of relationship and marriage counselling depends on many factors, but is largely due to the commitment of both partners to see their patterns and contributions, and be willing to change. Your partner’s ability to do this will depend on his level of Narcissism.
You will often not know how willing you and your partner are to do this until you attempt to do so. You will be able to see for yourselves over 3 to 6 sessions what real effort each of you are putting in to see the problems, own your contributions and make changes.
If you feel your first choice is to work on your relationship, then we can then follow this first session with a session with your partner individually, then commence couples sessions with both of you.
Plan B
I also suggest that there is a Plan B in place, so that after an agreed on number of couples sessions, if you feel you are not achieving the changes and results you want, then you continue coming to sessions on your own to look at your options and be supported in doing your own work of rebuilding your Identity, boundaries and possibly new life.
Find your nearest Psychologist from the Search box on the right hand side of this page.
Cost: Prices range from $150 to $220 for a 50 minute session. Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
Individual Empowerment help for you as a Partner to a narcissist
You may choose to come for individual sessions on your own, if you prefer to continue to stay in the relationship and also work on your own self empowerment and assertiveness in your sessions with the Psychologist. If your partner’s degree of Narcissism is not severe and he/she is more benevolent, this can be worthwhile and helpful to develop your capacity to find your own strength and hold your ground with him/her.
If his/her degree of Narcissism is more severe and you would like help in breaking away from him/her, then we can assist and support you in doing so also. It can be a profound act of self love to accept who he/she is and to step away for your own well being.
As you leave a Narcissist, most partners go through the 5 phases of grief: Denial, rage, bargaining, sadness and acceptance.
Without the support of a helping knowledgeable Professional, many partners find it very difficult to get past the denial stage, or repeatedly go back to their partner (in the bargaining stage), or can become stuck in rage against their partner.
Additionally, it is very easy to unwittingly “attract” another Narcissist into your life in your next relationship if you haven’t been able to look at your own patterns of why you have attracted, accommodated and tolerated this kind of behaviour.
Therefore it is important to understand, process and learn from this painful experience, so that you are rewarded with a stronger sense of self, compassion for yourself, and are able to move on to a mutually beneficial real loving relationship in the future.
Personal Empowerment/ Recovery Program:
Our Personal Empowerment/ Recovery program involves 12 steps:
1. Insight and a thorough understanding of the dynamics of what has been happening in your relationships.
2. Uncover and express your feelings and have these feelings and experiences validated by someone who understands what you have been experiencing.
3. Process these emotions and recognise these patterns from past relationships, including your parents, in order to clear them from your subconscious patterns.
4. Discovering your genuine needs and wants as an individual and in a relationship.
5. Be aware of your feelings and manage your emotional self on a daily basis.
6. Learn to build healthy boundaries with others, where you care for but don’t take on emotional responsibility for anyone other than yourself.
7. Rediscover your own intuition and trust it again, rather than your partner’s negative views of you.
8. Encouragement to believe in yourself again and recognise your magnificence.
9. Recognising and managing the desire to go back to the unhealthy Narcissist.
10. Help redesign your life from the inside out, trusting in yourself and who you really are.
11. Find the Gift in this relationship for you. How have you grown in yourself as a result of these experiences?
12. Moving onto a new equal relationship ensuring a healthy love. Narcissist screening test, and learn the ability to recognise the difference between real love and fake or controlling love.
This Individual Program is available by our trained Psychologists in 70 locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins. This program will take from 2 to 6 sessions, depending on your needs and circumstances.
Cost: Prices range for $150 to $220 for a 50 minute session.
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
Why can it be so difficult to leave a Narcissist?
Anyone who has left a relationship with a Narcissist knows that it can be a very challenging process. Here are a few reasons why this kind of breaking up presents extra difficulties over and above leaving an ordinary relationship:
It is difficult to understand what has happened and who he/she really is. Without the inside knowledge of what Narcissism is, it is almost impossible to understand why there appears to be 2 completely different people inside him/her, how he/she can have changed so dramatically, why he/she is so nice at times and then so nasty at others, and what causes that change. Also he/she has talked about love and higher values in the beginning, but his/her real behaviour has mostly reflected selfishness and self interest.
You can keep waiting for the initial person you fell in love with to re-emerge. He/she did such an effective job of his “Sales Presentation” to you in the courting phase, seeming to be all you could have wanted in a partner, and he/she was so believable, that you just want that version of him/her to re-appear again, so you can have the relationship you thought you were going to have and have committed to, and just be able to continue with that.
But, unfortunately, the initial version of him/her that you fell in love with, is NOT REAL. The feelings, passion and intensity he/she first showered you with were all part of his/her sales presentation. This version of him/her will not come back, because there is no substance to it. It is not real. It was the lure to get you in. He/she will only use it again if he/she decides he/she wants to re-lure you back in.
It may feel unfinished in that there seemed to be so much promise that hasn’t really happened yet. He/she may well have promised you the world, and you have been left with crumbs. He/she is very capable of a great seduction and pretence when courting you, but not at all interested, nor is he/she capable, of being a real partner in any real way, with empathy and compromise from each other.
You may feel if only he/she understood how hurt you have been then it would change him/her. It can be difficult to accept that he/she really doesn’t care about how hurt you are as a result of his/her behaviour. He/she may have pretended to care initially, so you want to believe that he/she does really, but in reality he/she doesn’t, and it can be difficult to accept that you have given your love and commitment to someone who just doesn’t care how hurt you are feeling.
You can take on some of the blame your partner has thrown at you,(and continues to project onto you) and blame yourself. By the time you have decided to leave, you will have experienced your share of put downs, belittling, judgements and criticisms, both subtle and very obvious. While these constitute his/her projections of his/her own characteristics only, it is difficult not to take on some of them, particularly when he/she has repeatedly blamed you. This may leave you thinking that some of this has actually been your fault and perhaps if you tried harder, you could make it work.
Please know that while you have participated in this dance with the Narcissist, you have NOT contributed in the way you are blaming yourself. In fact you have probably tried too hard in the relationship already, and not seen that he/she has not been willing to take responsibility for his/her part in it. It is now time to take responsibility for yourself and your own happiness.
There is no closure with the Narcissist. He/she will not be interested in acknowledging his/her part in the relationship ending, so you will not be able to have any shared closure with him/her. He/she may, more likely, be projecting and blaming you for everything, while keeping himself/herself squeaky clean in his/her fantasy world. He/she may also want to involve others close by, sharing his/her fantasy version of how wonderful he/she has been and how badly you have. He/she may even pathologize you to keep his/her grandiose version of himself/herself inflated.
Remind yourself that in actuality, he/she is covering his/her terror and worthlessness with a fantasy based on rationalisations and lies, and that you know in your own truth what efforts you have made.
It may be difficult to understand why he/she doesn’t really try to work on the relationship. To be willing to work on your relationship, you need to be honest and accountable, two things a true narcissist can’t tolerate. In reality, he/she doesn’t see he/she has a problem and doesn’t want the relationship to be any different from what it is. He/she has created the fantasy this way, and he/she wants it to stay this way as it is serving his/her narcissistic needs. This is usually more important than any relationship to him/her.
You may question just what in the relationship was real at all. It can be extremely mindbogglingly painful to realise that you have been taken in by a clever conman/woman and have trusted this person when he/she was far from trust worthy, and for as long as you have. Also, that his/her motives have not been to love you, as stated, but simply to gain his/her Narcissistic supply from you, a mere source for him/her.
It takes time, processing, deep soul searching, and usually assistance from an therapist experienced in Narcissism to come to the full realisation of the reality of the relationship you have been living in, and to be able to fully heal, have closure and move on to a healthier relationship.
Can the Narcissist be helped?
Narcissists are usually extremely satisfied with themselves, therefore it follows that they see no reason to come for counselling or help when they ‘do not need any’. The fact that they are causing huge problems for others around them does not tend to enter their consciousness.
Here again, it really depends on how severe their narcissism is. The more defended a Narcissist, the less likely he/she will see himself with a problem, and the less likely he/she will stick to therapy.
A severe Narcissist will usually only admit to a problem when he/she has been abandoned, and feels destitute and devastated, when he/she feels he/she doesn’t want to feel any more of this pain.
Even when he/she does attend therapy, either as couples counselling or on his/her own, there can be a lack of follow through and continuation beyond a few initial sessions, and his/her behaviour can revert easily.
Having said that, therapy is really the only way a Narcissist has to help himself/herself lose his/her over inflated Grandiose self, his/her underlying anxiety and develop a true self with the resulting contentment and happiness that this delivers.
This needs to be initiated (and acknowledged)by the Narcissist and I believe is worth trying, even if results are mixed.
Julie Hart – Psychologist
Relationship and Individual Counselling is available by our trained Psychologists in 70 locations Australia wide, either In-house, by Phone or Skype Sessions – 50 mins.
Please check our Search box on the right hand side of the page for our Psychologist nearest you.
Cost: Prices range from $150 to $220 for a 50 minute session.
Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.
Private Health Insurance Rebates apply and Medicare Rebates may apply (please check for details)
If you require help in your relationship from one of our expert psychologists, we offer:
The question of can people change is always an interesting one. The short answer is yes, we can all change absolutely anything about ourselves, if we have a strong enough desire to.
So the question many people have on their mind when considering whether to come to relationship or marriage counselling is: “If my partner hasn’t already changed the things about himself that I most have problems with, will he or she be able to do it with the help of relationship counselling, and just as importantly, will those changes stay, or just fade away with time?”
To answer this question more fully, it is important to understand that we come into this life pre-wired by way of our personality type. The personality system I find exceptionally helpful in understanding why we do the things we do, without being conscious of it, is the Enneagram. (more about the Enneagram in another blog)
So we each have tendencies towards doing things a certain way. Whether we continue to do things this way or change depends on whether the results of these actions are positive or negative for us. If we are experiencing either positive benefits, or the absence of negative impact on ourself personally, then we will continue to do what comes naturally.
If, however we start to suffer from the impact of these natural tendencies, either as internal difficulties, or as difficulties in interacting with others or the world, then we can do 1 of 2 things:
The 2 things we do:
1. Blame others or the world in general
2. Look at what in us needs to change for us to start getting a more positive outcome or experience.
Now, plenty of people take the first option, but that just makes you feel like a victim or cynical complainer- no chance of happiness there.
The second option is the healthiest way to go. Usually the extent of our pain will determine the extent of our motivation to change. It is usually as simple as that.
That is why often we can get the most stunningly positive changes in relationship counselling when a couple has got to the stage of being so sick of their relationship the way it is that they decide it is either make or break: we either fix it or leave it.
In relationship counselling also, we explain that for a relationship to have deteriorated, there will be contribution from both sides. In counselling many thousands of couples, I have yet to find a couple where it is all one partner’s contribution.
Couples often find it amazing how when we work on both sides together, how improvements can be so radical, so that the whole process can gradually become a joint project, rather than an adversarial one.
When talking about the stickability of changes, it is important to manage these carefully, and to have a check-in process in place to ensure each member of the couple honours their commitment to the other,on an ongoing basis.
How well you know each other is a fundamental characteristic of how good your relationship is?
When you have a great relationship, you feel close and connected, and feel comfortable sharing with each other about yourself, knowing that you are largely accepted the way you are.
You can be yourself in the presence of your partner. Even when you don’t agree on things, you each are given the opportunity to express your views. You each give each other permission to be different without it ruining your relationship.
So, check out how well you really know each other. Once you have answered the questions, then you can check their accuracy with your partner.
1. What is your partner’s favourite meal?
2. What is the colour your partner dislikes the most?
3. What 3 things would your partner take as essentials on a desert island?
4. What kind of home would your partner like to live in next?
5. What country would your partner most like to visit?
6. What clothes do you wear that are your partner’s favourite?
5 – 10 – Your relationship is very average. You could do with making more time for hanging out together and talking more intimately about yourselves, and you would be surpised what a difference it would make to how close you feel.
<5 – Your relationship is in trouble. You really have lost touch with each other. You need to be prioritising spending at least half a hour each night and a full day each weekend being together without any other distractions of kids, work, computers or tv etc so you can get to know each other again before it is too late. You may also need relationship counselling to help you get your relationship back on track.
to our moral awareness.
their own self esteem.
