Relationships can be the most rewarding and most frustrating areas of our lives. Very few of us have been shown how to have a good relationship. It is not surprising, then, that sooner or later problems surface. Even though your intentions are good, you often lack the knowledge and insight into what has happened and how you have got into such a stuck place.
If you have been experiencing difficulties in your relationship for some time, and trying what you know to improve things, it can be easy to begin to feel hopeless, and helpless. While most people find it easy to see how their partner is contributing to the problems, it’s not so easy to see how you are.
Most of us begin a relationship hoping that all our emotional needs will be met by our partner. It’s the stuff dreams are made of. That’s our natural narcissism.
This is inevitably followed by disappointment, as we discover this is not and will not be the case. Our relationship shows us through pain what we need to develop in ourselves first and foremost before we can truly love our partner.
The Inner Relationship
Signs you Have (or lack) a healthy self-relationship
You have a stable sense of yourself, and your beliefs evolve from your inner wisdom, not external pressure.
- You take responsibility for your life, your emotions, and your boundaries (you’re not a victim).
- You honor your boundaries; you don’t let your partner manipulate or coerce you.
- You drop the expectation that your partner will meet every emotional need (letting go of narcissistic expectations).
- You know your needs and can tend to them.
- You clearly know your relationship values, and what you will / will not tolerate.
- You’re attuned to your emotions and take ownership of them (rather than projecting).
- You refrain from reactive, controlling, or harsh responses, you’re willing to tolerate discomfort for growth.
When your internal relationship is healthy, external relationship dynamics improve you love your partner from fullness rather than need.
How this plays out with your partner
In healthier couples:
- You see and respect your partner’s difference.
- You share your feelings and thoughts (even when unvalidated).
- You truly listen.
- You want to share life with your partner.
- You desire them out of presence, not need.
- You act from authenticity.
When people lack internal security, they tend to either control their partner (inviting conflict) or allow themselves to be controlled (leading to resentment or covert retaliation). This is one of the biggest contributors to sexual intimacy and relational problems.
Personality & Identity
Your personality, identity, and internal wiring shape how you react, relate, and contribute. A practical tool many therapists use is the Enneagram, which offers insight into strengths, blind spots, and relational triggers. Understanding your type and your partners can reveal why you sometimes feel compelled to control or to appease.
Couples who explore personality differences often gain empathy and better mutual understanding, strengthening harmony rather than fueling conflict.
Emotions, Awareness & communication
Poor communication doesn’t just happen; it arises when people aren’t fully aware of their inner emotional landscape.
The danger of emotional unawareness
Lacking emotional awareness tends to trigger defensive patterns (blaming, shutting down, criticism). We all have a deep need for emotional safety, to feel seen, heard, and valued by our partner.
In my experience working with couples in relationship counselling, many conflicts trace back to:
- Feeling you’ve lost your authentic self
- Emotional disconnection from your partner
We’ve built a simple, step-by-step process for helping couples become more aware, regulate internal states, and communicate in ways that restore connection. If you’d like support in this, reach out to our registered psychologists, relationship counselling is one of our specialties.
Communication styles that sabotage
You might be using controlling or avoidant communication patterns without realizing it:
Overt controlling styles:
- Pressuring your partner to change or behave “your way”
- Criticism, contempt, or attacks
- Undermining, confusing, or manipulating
- Blame, shaming, guilt, or threats
- Rescuing or “fixing” instead of listening
- Conditional giving, contempt, or dismissiveness
Subtle or avoidant styles:
- Withdrawing
- Shutting down emotionally
- Rejecting or being overly sensitive
- Stonewalling, procrastinating, or stubbornness
These patterns align with John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which tend to cascade and erode relationship stability.
Self-reflection questions
Ask yourself:
- Am I ready to let go of my controlling habits?
- In what ways am I allowing my partner to control me?
- Do I seek emotional payoff or “get even” when hurt?
- Am I meeting my own needs?
- What would I like to change in our relationship?
- Is my sexual energy closing down? Why?
Masculine & Feminine Dynamics
This topic often sparks debate and jokes, but there’s truth in acknowledging relational energy differences. While both partners carry masculine and feminine energy, many people naturally lean toward one polarity. Appreciating, rather than judging, these differences often restore flow, attraction, and intimacy.
Masculine Energy
- Pushes, guides, directs
- Focus outward
- Protects and provides
- Under stress, can become detached
- Gives less when he receives more
- Holds firm boundaries
- Clear in direction
Feminine Energy
- Invites, attracts, flows
- Receptive, emotional, relational
- Nurtures, feels, connects
- Under stress, becomes overwhelmed or reactive
- Gives more when she feels secure
- More inclined to adapt
- Responsive and relationally attuned
Under stress, these energies can distort into blame, withdrawal, guilt induction, emotional overwhelm, or resentment. The key is honoring both polarities and seeking balance rather than dominance.
Why Bother Making the Effort?
Investing effort in healing relational fractures leads not just to a better relationship, with equality, mutual respect, and restored energy, but also to your own growth. Over time, couples who commit to transformation describe relationships that are more alive, intimate, playful, connected than ever before.
Taking the time to examine what’s going wrong, courageously reframe behaviors, and lean into new relational practices can pave the way for renewing your love. Many couples say the journey was more than worth it.
If you’d like help assessing your relationship and uncovering the deeper dynamics that may be holding you back, we’re here for you.
Our relationship psychologists across Australia specialize in couples counselling, emotional reconnection, communication skills, and polarity work.
Call us or explore our relationship counselling page to find the right support for your journey.
You don’t have to go through this alone start rebuilding connection today.
Julie Hart 
