Difficulty Orgasming: How can I experience more pleasure?

Is Your Orgasm Hard Work or Impossible?

About 10% of women are non-orgasmic. It is between 5 to 10 times harder for a woman to have an orgasm than a man. While men only take on average 2 and a half minutes to get there, it takes women around 12 minutes.

It is an interesting fact that women are more likely to bond long term with men who can make them come.


While 80% of men report having orgasms almost every time they have sex, women have orgasms only 36% of the time.

More complicated and variable than the male orgasm, the female orgasm is a continually unfolding mystery.

However, women are born orgasmic. If left in their natural state, and raised in a relaxed environment, young girls and women are capable of experiencing orgasmic states frequently, on a daily basis, without any effort.

This is not the orgasm we see in porn or the movies. It is not about muscle spasm. It is spontaneous in nature, requiring no deliberate stimulation. The warmth of the sun or the feel of the breeze on her skin can trigger tingling ripples of delight through a woman’s body, like a shiver. Learning about the world comes through the messages her body gives her.

The Key is Relaxation

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Knowing your body comes from allowing yourself to feel. The key is to be relaxed. For women to reach their sexual potential they need to become accustomed to being relaxed in everyday life. In any given sexual encounter with a partner women need to be relaxed. To be orgasmic, women must allow themselves to be receptive and sensual and drop any need to ‘be in charge’ (of themselves or another).

Women and their partners need to be patient and respectful of their differences. It’s important to have:

  • no agenda
  • no goal
  • no desired outcome

Women also need a beautiful, sensual and safe environment with no sources of distraction.

Many women (up to 50%) report lack of sexual desire. This many women cannot be dysfunctional! It is a signal that our modern lifestyle is at odds with a woman’s natural way of being. Many women have lost touch with their sensuality.

It is normal for women to feel sexual desire AFTER sexual activity has already begun. This is not common knowledge. Many women talk as if sexual activity can only happen if they’re already ‘in the mood’. And by sexual activity I do not mean intercourse.

Female sexuality is not logical or sequential. Women enjoy mystery, and the unpredictable. Women like to be wooed, teased, tantalised .…. by the promise of what may come! This can happen at any time of day…and quite unexpectedly.

Anticipation builds sexual arousal. Touch is not necessarily required. Women can become aroused by a partner’s tone of voice, or breath against her skin, or …… just a look, in complete silence!

And what worked yesterday may never have the same effect twice. Repetition leads to boredom.

Women need to educate themselves and their partners. Like food and water, we all need space to connect with ourselves, to feel our bodies, to hear our inner body knowing, and to respond to it.

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Rushing, having an end goal, and engaging in excess stimulation will derail this process. Being in tune with yourself is more important than what you or your partner does. Aim for mutual giving and receiving of pleasure (not orgasm).

Orgasm comes when it’s ready, when you are totally relaxed and your body is overflowing with pleasure. The orgasm I speak of is not limited to muscular contraction of the genitals. It’s not the kind that is over in a few seconds. I am speaking of the wave after wave of pleasure which spreads through a woman’s whole body, that need never end. These orgasmic waves have a sense of timelessness. All sense of time is lost. Many women have never known this space. It takes time, yet minimal effort, for a woman to reach this state. (Allow an hour or more.)

It takes at least 20 minutes for a woman’s body to fully prepare for sexual intercourse, to give her vagina sufficient time to fill out and lubricate, and for her lips to fully open in readiness. A woman needs this preparation time, to quieten her mind and relax into feeling her body.

Women, in their natural state, are open and receptive to sensual pleasure. A woman’s body responds as she relaxes. More and more sensations are experienced as you relax, breathe, and let go of mental chatter. Women are capable of extended orgasmic states and ecstasy. There is no limit to the pleasure women are capable of feeling, other than the limits we put on ourselves.

The 4 Stages of Sexual Experience

If you are experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm (climaxing) it’s important first to understand the four stages of a sexual experience:

1. Desire

2. Arousal

3. Orgasm

4. Refractory period

In women, steps 1 and 2 can be (and often are) in reverse order as I’ve already discussed.

However, orgasm usually only happens if desire and arousal are already well established.

Range of orgasms for women

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Only 30% of women report that they can orgasm through intercourse alone, and 40% say they need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm.

After masturbation, receiving oral sex is the most common way women have orgasms.

Clitoral stimulation is approximately twice as likely to lead to an orgasm as vaginal stimulation.

The problem is that many women feel inadequate if they can’t orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. This is one of the biggest reasons why women fake orgasms.

The position many women feel is most likely to have an orgasm is with the woman on top, doggy style, and the man entering from behind.

Penetrative orgasms are most likely achieved when G spot is stimulated.

Many women say they can only have an orgasm when penetrated if preceded by masturbation of oral sex.. They like the more direct stimulation of the clitoris close to the point of coming, and then like to finish off with intercourse.

Woman first need to get to know their bodies and what turns them on. Then, by building more and more pleasure, the body responds by overflowing into orgasm.

Orgasm is a reflex. It cannot be forced. However it can be prevented by negative thinking and body tension. The key is to relax mentally and physically and let your body do what it already knows how to do.

If you would like some help in discovering what’s stopping you from having great orgasms, let us explore some of the factors with you and help you achieve the wonderful orgasms your body was designed to enjoy.

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.

Or phone us on 1300830552 for more details and assistance.

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Types of Counselling

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