When men lack empathy, it can create deep disconnection in a relationship. Empathizing with our partner is one of those essentials to a happy and healthy relationship. We feel connected when our partner takes the time and presence to be there for us and tries to understand us.
What Is Empathy in a Relationship?
Empathy means more than just listening to your partner’s words. It includes sensing their feelings and their inner world. Research has shown that our brain’s resonance circuits create representations of another person’s mind, including their emotions. By using sensory information, these circuits map what the other person is feeling.
The way this works is that mirror neurons pick up emotions from our partner and translate them into our own feelings. When we feel them ourselves, we recognize them and understand what our partner is feeling.
For a person to empathies effectively, they must first be familiar with their own emotional world and able to map clearly what their partner is experiencing.
Why Do Men Struggle with Empathy?
Biological & Hormonal Influences
One common explanation is that higher levels of testosterone which are typical in men have been linked with reduced emotional sensitivity and lower responsiveness to emotional cues in some early studies.
That said, newer large-scale research shows that the link between testosterone and empathy is not straightforward or linear. A major study found no evidence that testosterone administration impairs men’s cognitive empathy.
Another recent study suggested testosterone might even heighten neural sensitivity to social inclusion and exclusion contexts (i.e., positive and negative emotional experiences).
Bottom line: hormonal influences may play a role, but they aren’t the sole or deterministic factor.
Socialization And Cultural Expectations
Growing up, many boys are discouraged from expressing vulnerability, sadness or emotional openness. Society often teaches men to suppress their emotional side, to “be strong”, or to avoid showing feelings. This learned behavior makes it harder for them later to identify or articulate others’ feelings and their own.
As a result, they don’t spend time getting in touch with their emotions. Because they suppress their own feelings, they also struggle to sense or understand their partner’s feelings.
Personality & Developmental Factors
Some personality and developmental disorders affect how a person can feel and express empathy. For example:
- Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) may struggle with emotional empathy even when they can show cognitive empathy (understanding another’s feelings on an intellectual level).
- Men who have narcissistic personality disorder may appear empathic during the courting phase but are often emotionally unavailable, immersed in their own grandiose fantasies and neglecting their partner’s emotional world.
The Path from Self-Awareness to Empathy
Knowing Your Own Emotional World
For many men, the journey toward better empathy begins with internal work: recognizing one’s own feelings, naming them, tolerating vulnerability, and accepting that emotional expression is part of healthy connection.
When you grow your ability to know yourself, you become more receptive to knowing your partner.
Translating Self-Awareness into Partner Connection
As you build self-awareness, you can begin to map your partner’s emotional world more clearly. Some key steps:
- Pause and ask: “How might they be feeling right now?”
- Listen for non-verbal cues (tone, facial expression, body language)
- Reflect back what you sense (“It sounds like you’re feeling …”)
- Validate their experience (“I understand that must feel hard / exciting / painful.”)
Over time this builds emotional safety and connection.
Tips For Developing Empathy in Men
- Set aside regular check-in time (“How are we both feeling about how things are going?”)
- Use “I feel” statements instead of “You always…”
- Learn emotional vocabulary together (joy, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, frustration)
- Practice mindful presence: turn off distractions, give full attention
- Consider couple therapy including modalities like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Internal Family Systems (IFS) to deepen emotional attunement
- For men who feel stuck, individual counselling can help them explore underlying emotional blocks.
What The Research Really Says
It’s important to approach biology, hormones and behavior with nuance. While early studies suggested testosterone might reduce empathy, larger and more rigorous trials found no direct causal link between adult testosterone levels and cognitive empathy in men.
ScienceDaily
At the same time, developmental and social factors childhood emotional development, socialization, trauma history appears strongly relevant.
The broader point: empathy is not purely biological, but shaped by environment, experience, awareness and effort.
When men lack empathy, it is not a moral failing or simple “fault” it may reflect a combination of developmental, social and emotional factors. The good news: empathy can grow. As men deepen understanding of their own feelings and build the capacity to sense and respond to their partner’s emotional world, connection deepens, trust grows, and relationships thrive.
If you’re experiencing a lack of empathy in your relationship and you’d like support, The Hart Centre offers expert relationship counselling across Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane. Let us help you reconnect, understand and rebuild emotional attunement together.
Explore our Relationship Counselling or speak with one of our psychologists today.
Julie Hart 
