If separating, consider your long-term goals for the relationship
A common experience of negotiation for couples who are separating, is for both parties to become caught up in a ‘race to arms’. Becoming overly fixated on outcome goals such as winning the family car or having maximum access to the kids, can damage your long-term relationship with the other party. My observation is that people are as likely to remember their experience of the process of negotiation – for example, how they were treated, as well as how they treated the other – as they are the details of what was won or lost. With this in mind, the way you manage the process of negotiation should be determined by your long-term relationship goals. It is therefore worthwhile clarifying your best-case relationship scenario. If your goal is to have zero contact permanently, then perhaps you should consider having no direct contact during the negotiation process itself and using your solicitor for this. If your goal is to have a civil and formal co-parenting relationship then negotiations should be calm, mature and child-focused. If your goal is to have a close ongoing relationship then encourage the direct, open and friendly treatment that you hope to maintain into the future.
- Be more aware of your own and others’ emotional insecurities
One of the functions of emotions is to direct our social behaviour. Given the great complexity of humans, our relationships, and the world we live in, our emotions can guide us in both positive and negative ways. Many communication breakdowns can be traced to the triggering of emotional insecurities or sensitivities for one or both parties. This is often why people tend to react unexpectedly defensively in interactions. When analyzing the other person’s strong reactions, consider which aspect or aspects of their self that they are defending and what it is about your own language or tone that may have triggered their response.
If your goal is to have a harmonious and constructive interaction with another person, it is important to be aware of any present or potential emotional insecurities or sensitivities that may exist for you or for them. Three core insecurities we arguably all carry to fluctuating degrees are feeling 1. Incompetent (or hopeless, useless or stupid), 2. Bad (or naughty or evil), and 3. Unlovable (unlikeable, unpopular or unattractive). Indeed, irrespective of how they are labelled, these insecurities are possibly part of what defines us as human. So there is a sense in which we are all insecure or sensitive all of the time, to fluctuating degrees depending on company and context. I’m sure it’s not hard to imagine the last time a difficult conversation triggered one or more of these insecurities. The triggering of any of these could explain why you or the other party may have behaved regretfully during a discussion.
So try to be more aware of both your own insecurities and those that may be present for the other person. Of course, dealing with them can be extremely challenging given the way they can destabilize us. Simply observing these insecurities non-judgmentally and in the moment (mindfully) can help us not to overreact to them and behave inappropriately or unhelpfully. Another possibly riskier (depending on the trust levels in the relationship) approach, but one that can be very effective for encouraging a good reaction from the other person, is to admit to them that your insecurities are present. For example:
Incompetent – “I’m sorry if I seem upset, but I just feel a bit out of my depth right now. I’ll try to calm down.”
Bad – “Just letting you know that I do feel pretty awful about how I ended the conversation last time and I’ll try to listen to you better this time.”
Unlovable – “I know I haven’t been very good company for you tonight, I think being around all these beautiful people is making me a bit self-conscious. I’ll see if I can snap out of it.”
2. If separating, consider your long-term goals for the relationship A common experience of negotiation for couples who are separating, is for both parties to become caught up in a ‘race to arms’ or ‘race to the bottom’. This can be tragic, given the love and goodwill that likely previously existed in the relationship, and also given the possible effects of the disharmony on others, especially children. One many occasions I’ve seen well-intentioned people who value harmony and fairness lose sight of these once the relationship formally ends. Common factors reinforcing this may include unresolved emotional pain on both sides as well as negative influences from friends, family members or professionals such as lawyers and accountants who claim to have your best interests in mind. Remember, each advisor, including a counsellor or mediator, has his or her own biases, formed from their own relationship experiences, which may or may not influence them to encourage mature, dignified, sensible and pro-social behaviour. Consult widely if necessary, but it is advisable to take all advice with a grain of salt and be guided first and foremost by your own values or wisdom.
When considering the right course of action during separation, a useful distinction can be made between outcome goals and process goals. For example, becoming overly fixated on outcome goals such as winning the family car or having maximum access to the kids, can damage your long-term relationship with the other party and actually hurt all involved. Is the potential gain you are seeking worth the collateral damage to the long-term relationship? Consider your process goals. My observation is that people are as likely to remember their experience of the process of negotiation – for example, how they were treated, as well as how they treated the other – as they are the details of what was won or lost.
Be guided by your principles or values. Irrespective of the other person’s behaviour and possible motivations, attempt to influence them in a positive way by modeling good behaviour. For example, avoid swearing, name calling, or unnecessary criticism. Another common and more subtle unhelpful behaviour that I see is for people to start communicating in an overly formal manner, using officious, legal or professional language which can be unnecessarily provocative, disrespectful and dehumanizing. For example, “I formally request that from this date onwards you would address all your enquiries regarding the children’s education directly to their teacher”. Rather than, “It’s good that you want to get more involved at the kids’ school, but I’d rather you called their teacher yourself from now on, as that way you’ll get a clearer idea about what’s going on. Thanks.” If you do not want the other person to react defensively, ask yourself how your choice of language may provoke the other person’s insecurities or sensitivities. With the right use of language and tone, it is possible to be assertive without being rude.
Ultimately, the way you manage the process of negotiation should be determined by your long-term relationship goals. It is therefore worthwhile clarifying your best-case relationship scenario with the other person. If your goal is to have zero contact permanently, because the other person is continually abusive, or likely to predominantly be a negative influence in your life then perhaps you should consider having no direct contact during the negotiation process itself and using a third party such as a solicitor for this. If your goal is to have a civil and formal co-parenting relationship then negotiations should be calm, mature and child-focused. If your goal is to have a close ongoing relationship then encourage the direct, open and friendly tone that you hope to maintain into the future.