Sexless Marriage and What To Do If It Happens to You

A sexless marriage (or nearly sexless marriage) is a reality for many couples. In this article, we explore what drives sexlessness in marriages, how the “Westermarck effect” can complicate recovery, and practical steps you can take to rebuild intimacy and connection.

There’s sexless marriage. And then there’s “nearly sexless marriage” where a couple might only have sex a few times a year. Or as one patient of mine, an insurance executive, described it “on a quarterly basis.”

If sex on a quarterly basis feels like enough for you, that’s fine. But in my experience, most couples with sexless or nearly sexless marriages consider it a problem and wish things were otherwise.

Sexless marriage is one of the commonest reasons couples come in for sex therapy. It’s been said that sex is 20% of a marriage when it’s going well, but 90% when it’s not.

Feelings of inadequacy are common. So are feelings of shame especially if you assume all the other couples, you know are having awesome sex lives.

But the truth is that sexless or nearly sexless marriage is very common. Conservative estimates put the prevalence among married couples at around 14–15 %.

So, chances are, at least some of your friends or acquaintances are in the same boat.

What Causes a Sexless Marriage?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Many couples face a combination of obstacles. Below are some of the recurring stories I hear as a sex therapist.

Bad Sex (Low Quality, Discomfort, Dysfunction)

If one or both partners aren’t enjoying sex or experience pain, discomfort, or shame, it’s no surprise it fades away.
Sexual dysfunctions such as vaginismus, pain on penetration, erectile dysfunction, or premature ejaculation can erode desire and connection. Even couples with relatively functional sex may lack a clear understanding of how sexual desire works or how to maintain sexual passion over time.

 Emotional and Relational issues (Bad Feeling)

Sometimes the underlying issue isn’t physical at all. How you feel about yourself, your partner, and your relationship heavily influences your capacity for erotic connection.

As Julia Heiman (a noted sex researcher) wrote: “Often sex is a nonverbal expression for what is avoided or inaccessible verbally, such as marital unhappiness, a power struggle, emotional emptiness, or existential anxieties or losses.”

It’s not unusual for couples to expect sex to persist despite unhealed wounds, unresolved grief, trauma, or emotional distance. Ironically, the lack of sex may become another source of unhappiness in the relationship.

Loss of Desire (Libido Decline)

In some cases, one or both partners lose sexual desire, even when past sex has been good. This phenomenon is especially common in women, though it can affect anyone.

• Global desire loss: where sexual interest vanishes entirely
• Partner-specific desire loss: where someone loses desire for their spouse, but not in general

Some women in sexless marriages may still masturbate; many husbands, too. But often both partners simply experience disinterest in sex altogether.

The Westermarck Effect & Habitual Estrangement

Regardless of cause, whether dysfunction, emotional distance, or lost libido, another psychological barrier often arises: the Westermarck effect.

Named after Finnish sociologist Edvard Westermarck, this hypothesis suggests that people who live closely together over time may lose sexual attraction, much like siblings raised together rarely become sexual partners.

In marriages, when partners share daily life but rarely engage sexually, they may gradually start to feel more like platonic roommates or siblings than lovers. Once that psychological shift happens, rekindling sexual desire feels awkward or even taboo.

Because of this, delaying intervention often deepens the barrier. As a sex therapist, I counsel couples in a sexless marriage to act sooner rather than later, even if the early return to intimacy feels uncomfortable.

What to Do When You’re in a Sexless Marriage

Rebuilding intimacy in a sexless marriage is rarely a sprint; it’s more of a gentle journey back toward connection.

Below are steps that many couples find helpful.

Don’t Leap into Sex

You can’t always jump straight to satisfying sex. Begin with small gestures of closeness and emotional safety.

Couples’ therapists often recommend “warm-ups” for example, sensate focus or mindfulness exercises, as ways to reconnect without performance pressure.

Introduction the “2-Step” Method

Below is a simplified version of a technique I design for couples in sexless marriage. It’s meant to slowly reignite erotic connection in a safe, non-demanding way.

Step One – Presence Without Pressure

• Lie in bed together, naked if comfortable, and talk or stay silent, whatever feels right.
• No goal other than being together. No demands or expectations.
• If you talk, keep it light, simple, and authentic. Avoid deep conflict or big debates at this stage.
• As the silence or calmness settles in, allow physical awareness, the touch of your body on the mattress, warmth, breathing.
• The main aim is connection, not sex.

You may not feel erotic at first and that’s okay. You’re gently re-opening the space of safety, closeness, and trust.

Step Two – Sensing Arousal

• Eventually, one or both of you might feel a subtle stir of inner arousal (not necessarily full sexual arousal).
• Let yourself notice it, internally. Don’t rush to act, control, or judge it.
• Let arousal be its own experience warm, nourishing, open.
• If it naturally deepens and both of you are willing, it can evolve into sex, but you don’t force it.
• More often than not, the healing lies not in the act, but in the shared presence of vulnerability and awareness.

The time you spend doing nothing together can be more healing than every sexual encounter.

Additional Tips for Restoring Intimacy

• Communicate openly but gently: Discover each other’s desires, fears, and needs in a nonjudgmental space.
• Seek professional help: A sex therapist or couples counsellor can guide you through obstacles.
• Address physical health: Hormonal imbalances, medical conditions, medications (e.g., antidepressants) can reduce libido.
• Schedule intimacy time: In busy lives, sex often falls off the radar; scheduling can help bring it back.
• Reintroduce novelty gradually: Small physical gestures, touch, nonsexual affection, or playful exploration can reopen desire pathways.
• Practice patience and self-compassion: You are not failing because your marriage is sexless; it’s an invitation to deeper growth.

If you or your partner is struggling with a sexless or nearly sexless marriage, remember you’re not alone and help is available. Consider reaching out for counselling through The Hart Centre’s sex therapy / relationship counselling services to begin the journey of reconnection.