How helpful can relationship counselling really be?

Tag: relationship counselling

How helpful can relationship counselling really be?

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At the Hart Centre we ask our clients to give us feedback on how helpful their sessions have been for them.

As of 2nd September 2016, 94% of our respondents have told us that their counselling has been helpful and worthwhile for them and their relationship.

Here’s some other things couples have told us that they have found they liked about their sessions with our Psychologists:

  • They appreciate being able to get clear about, and speak about what has been bothering them, in an environment that is listening and caring and non judgmental.
  • They also find it very helpful to get insight and a fuller understanding about the dynamics that are operating in their relationship that they weren’t aware of.
  • They like having the opportunity to communicate in a healthier manner, and to better understand where their partner is coming from.
  • They appreciate finally being able to resolve long standing issues that they didn’t know how to resolve.
  • They like coming to someone who won’t not let the power balance get out of hand.
  • They find it helpful to be held accountable for making positive changes to the relationship.
  • They like being able to learn new things about how to make their relationship good, and to create hope for having an even better relationship than they have ever had before.
  • They appreciate having the opportunity to learn new relationship skills that they have never had the opportunity to learn before.
  • They love the renewed feelings of love they now feel for their partner that they thought were lost forever.

 

There are occasions where each partner of a couple comes to counselling with differing wants from the process, for example, one partner may want to work on the relationship and the other wants to leave it.

On these occasions, we do our best to honour both needs while also exploring what deeper needs there may be, and encouraging partners to explore all possibilities before ending the relationship.
So there is real hope for improvements in your relationship if you can just take the first step. We will help you explore the full potential of your relationship, beyond what you have known to date, no matter how difficult it might seem at the moment.

To book an appointment or make an enquiry, click here.

 

 

 

OUR MAJOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LOCATIONS:

See all of our Relationship Counselling Melbourne locations.

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What man doesn’t dread “Honey, we need to talk”?

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At our recent Hart In-house conference, David Wexler talked to us about what he called “Male Relationship Dread”.

Here’s some of the kind of fears that can be stirred up in a man when his female partner wants to bring up an issue:

 “Nothing good is going to come out of this…”

“There’s not enough structure in here. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do..”

“She is so much better than me at this…”

“I don’t trust myself not to get aggressive…”

“I’m feeling a lot of blankness right now…”

“I’m really trying hard to be the man you want me to be. I’m just freaked out that I might fail at this. That’s why I shut down.”

 So, why is it more difficult for men to talk about relationship issues?

It can come down to the Man Code that is instilled in many boys and men culturally from many sources from as early as primary school.

The Man Code includes some of the following:

  • Winning
  • Having emotional control
  • Risk taking
  • Dominance of the situation
  • Being a playboy
  • Self Reliance
  • Disdain for homosexuality

And there is much shaming of boys and men if they don’t comply with these “Male norms”

Shame is huge in men’s culture. And this almost phobic reaction to being shamed is why men can be supersensitive to criticism.

Hence a man’s negative reaction to his wife bringing up a problem in which he will probably feature in.

Its’ so easy for a man to misread and take personally what she is trying to say, and it’s even more difficult when you don’t have enough words for your feelings to know who to express them clearly.

The Broken Mirror

relationship difficulties for men

David uses the term “Broken Mirror’ to describe what happens to a man when his partner brings up a problem that he is featured in.

We all want and need validation that we’re a good person, and most of the time we can get this good mirror validation from our partner. But men can mistake the flood of good feelings that comes from his partner with the promise that her good mirror will always shine.

But inevitably of course, this is not always going to be the case.  Sometimes she will have a problem and want to talk about and resolve it. This is the situation when, for a man, the mirror breaks, shattering his positive sense of self, and then what comes naturally, is to get angry and blame the mirror (his wife).

So much of what goes wrong in relationships has to do with men’s experience of this broken mirror. A man can therefore take a mildly negative problem that is brought up by his wife, and without knowing he’s doing it, turn it into something catastrophic.

What can help?

The best antidote to this for a man is to understand that your partner is not deliberately trying to break your mirror and make you feel bad.

It’s not actually all about you at all. It is not an act of disrespect at all.

It is that she has her own reasons for bringing up an issue, and she is acting from her own independent centre of initiative. Bringing yourself around to understanding this can really help you not take it so personally and react in this way.

We at the Hart Centre can help assist you if you are having problems with your communication. For relationship counselling in Sydney and all other capital and large regional cities in Australia please contact us.

 

 

 

OUR MAJOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LOCATIONS:

See all of our Relationship Counselling Melbourne locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Brisbane locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Perth locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Adelaide locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Canberra locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Sydney locations.

 

Couples Therapy

How’s your Relationship Hygiene?

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“Oh my God  – this place is a pig sty!”     “You always leave your wet towels on the floor – I can’t stand it any more!”

How many fights start over household tidiness? It often appears to relationship counsellors that couples are more concerned with hygiene than they are with the state of their relationship.  If only they could be as concerned with the state of their relationship as the state of the house living might be a lot easier.

But where do you start with relationship hygiene?

Have a clearing house session each week

First, just as in household tidiness, start with the big things and move to the details.

The big factors that support relationship harmony concern the rules of engagement and some basic principles to ensure emotional safety.

As a general guide to cleaning up your relationship consider establishing a regular routine to ensure any unfinished business or resentments are cleared on a weekly basis – call this your clearing house session.

Choose a regular time of the week – sit down over a coffee or a tea and lay out your log of “issues” – do it in good faith, with good will  accepting that resolutions might not be agreed upon but assured that both parties have got their issues off their chests.

Remember RESPECT at all times

Between these times engage with your partner in a disciplined manner  ruled by the cardinal virtue/principle of respect. Show at least as much respect to your partner as you do to your work colleagues. See if you can be the one leading the growth to more respect, more consideration, more goodwill, more generosity and more conciliation.

Some people think this is false because it is not how we feel and is therefore false and not genuine.  This is an understandable but unhelpful idea.relationship difficulties

In so many aspects of our life we don’t “let it all hang out” and shout before we think. Why would we think this is a good thing to do in a relationship?

Part of the answer  is that in a relationship we think its OK to let all our “defenses” down and just say the first thing that comes to mind, even if it is an insult. We allow ourselves to become like children. This might be OK as long as we could play nicely – but all too often the positive play of the honeymoon period morphs into vicious haranguing of the power battle.

For a mature relationship we need to attend to good relationship hygiene or our play pen will become very messy indeed.

Your relationship is always voluntary

Start with the rules of engagement: You are two adults in a voluntary association.

You both have different needs, wants and perspectives on the world, and you also want to make an effective partnership.

Knowing these aims and challenges you transact the space between you with the diplomacy of a French diplomat: always be gracious and even when this fails ensure that respect rules the day.

You don’t have to agree with your partner, you don’t always even have to like your partner but you can ensure that you treat him/her with respect. If you don’t think your partner is worthy of respect you might need to question your relationship or your capacity to maintain a healthy relationship. Respect forms the fundamental building block of a healthy adult relationship. It signifies a willingness to create a zone of emotional safety.

It is this emotional safety that is fostered in a “clean” relationship house.

This article is written by David Indermaur one of our Perth relationship Psychologists.

 

 

 

OUR MAJOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LOCATIONS:

See all of our Relationship Counselling Melbourne locations.

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Does marriage counselling and relationship counselling really work?

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When your relationship is in trouble and you have tried all you know to fix it, it can get very frustrating and disappointing, as the loving feelings that brought you together in the first place are are often buried under layers of negativity, pain, arguments or coldness.

If you are like most people, you like to keep your personal problems to yourself. Most of us don’t like airing our dirty laundry in public. However, when you have done all you know how to resolve your relationship problems, and it is not working, then there is the option of going to a marriage or relationship counsellor.

Most people want to be sure that in going to this trouble, that it is going to be worth the effort; that the counsellor will be able to offer them some positive solutions that they can’t find on their own.

Marriage Counselling can help you

Successful relationship counselling and marriage counselling does just this, and does this for a reason.

Albert Einstein once said, “You can’t solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew”

This is the reason that a good marriage counsellor can help you. To begin with, none of us has been taught how to have a good relationship. Even though it is an absolutely essential skill for us to have as humans, no-one teaches us. We are left to either follow our parents model, or alternatively do the opposite, as we didn’t like the way we were raised. But mostly we are operating in the dark.

So that is the first thing that good relationship counselling offers you:  Education on how to have a good relationship. We have taken the time to learn these skills so we can show you how.

Additionally, and just as importantly, a good marriage counsellor can give you insight into why your particular relationship is not working, and what each of you are doing that might be contributing to it. This insight is like gold to a couple experiencing problems, because it offers the specific way out of the conflict for your unique situation.

What to expect from Marriage Counselling

Usually we recommend that the earlier you can recognise you have a problem, and the sooner you can come into relationship counselling, the easier the process.

Having said that, however, what happens for most people is that they leave it until one partner is almost ready to walk out the door, and then make an appointment.

Strangely, counselling at this time can also work very effectively too, as, although your problems are usually larger by this time, also can be your motivation to look at what is happening and your part in it, when your whole relationship is at risk.

Whenever you decide that you need some help,  good counselling can give you insight that you have been missing and offer a new way forward for a relationship often far better than you can imagine.

Check our our blog on will my partner change if I bring him to counselling.

Marriage Counselling

 

 

 

OUR MAJOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LOCATIONS:

See all of our Relationship Counselling Melbourne locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Brisbane locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Perth locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Adelaide locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Canberra locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Sydney locations.

 

FIFO and DIDO – How does it impact your relationship?

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“Fly In Fly Out” and “Drive In Drive Out” has become a popular way of working in Australia, particularly in  the mining industry.

With a high income and financial freedom being the biggest advantage of these jobs, there are also challenges on the personal and the relationship front to such a lifestyle.

Let’s face it, with long periods away from your spouse and children, FIFO and DIDO can be difficult on your relationships.

While many say there are advantages of increased quality time with each other when you are all home together,(and often during the week, so you can avoid the crowds at the weekend), often other problems can be great, and do require an extra commitment to your relationship and your communication.

Common problems of FIFO and DIDO lifestyle:

For both of you and your relationship:

– Keeping the connection going between you both, despite very little communication while on the job

– Adjusting to being together again, after having such a different lifestyle while apart

– Managing your time when you are home together, and trying to “make up for” and squeeze so many things in

– Resisting urges to connect to other members of the opposite sex for companionship that can lead to more over time

 

For the FIFO/DIDO worker:

– Missing your family and also important family events while at work

– Managing your loneliness and depression while in the job

– Managing the common “black day” just as you leave to return to work

– Managing the pressure you may feel from family members to be there and interact when you come home tired

– Re-establishing your role and place at home when you are only there periodically

– Having to face “the list” of jobs to do when you arrive back home.

 

For the spouse:

– Having to function as a solo parent for long periods without help, and the exhaustion that comes with that

– Having to adapt to complete changes of routines, and sharing the power when your partner is home

– Managing anxiety and jealousy while your partner is away for long periods

 

For the children:

– Having to cope without seeing Dad for long periods

In particular, the first few months of a FIFO/DIDO lifestyle can be particularly difficult, as you both adjust to the new radically different arrangement.

How much communication is possible between you by phone and email does make a large difference.

Some suggestions to make FIFO and DIDO lifestyle easier

If you have just started a FIFO/DIDO lifestyle, I suggest that you do the following:

1. Discuss your commitment to the FIFO/DIDO decision and state and even write down your specific joint goals. Ensure that both of you can see the value in this decision and you both agree on the benefits and goals you will be gaining.

Consider whether it might work best for your family to undertake this type of work for a set period of time (eg two years) in order to achieve a specific financial goal ie  deposit for a house, pay out the mortgage. It doesn’t suit everyone to continue this type of arrangement indefinitely

2.   Discuss how you will keep the connection and communication going between you. This can be by phone, email, sending photos, agreeing to watch the same videos, or read the   same books, writing notes and leaving them for each other.

Acknowledge the difficulties it presents for both. The at-home person may have to cope alone but the away person may be feeling distressed by their inability to comfort and support in times of crisis.

3. Each time you are together, talk about what is working and what is not working for each of you, so that you can resolve any problems early, and they don’t build over time.

FIFO and DIDO lifestyle – Let us Help you

Continue to evaluate whether this is still the best arrangement for the two of you and your kids if you have them. A lot will depend on the length of the swing.

Most importantly…..don’t get seduced by the money. Yes, it is a financially rewarding lifestyle but is it one that really suits you? Don’t be afraid to say no if you feel you, your kids or your relationship is going to suffer, as no amount of money is worth being unhappy.

For more specific help in resolving any problems you might have with adjusting to a FIFO or DIDO lifestyle, our Relationship Psychologists Australia wide can help with In-person or phone or Skype sessions.

We find Skype sessions are particularly popular with FIFO workers and their spouses, as you can access them from anywhere in Australia.

More on what things can help when you are living the FIFO and DIDO lifestyle.

FIFO and DIDO lifestyle

Julie Hart and Maryann Wallace

Do you feel like you’re competing with your partner’s mobile phone for attention?

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Do you sometimes feel like if your partner had to choose between you and their mobile phone, it may not be YOU?

More and more I am seeing in couples coming to relationship counselling where one partner is complaining about the amount of time his/her partner is on their phone, taking away from the quality time they can spend together.

In established relationships, particularly when you are trying to balance work pressures and raising a family, it is especially important to carve out quality time together just as a couple each night.

And, as if this is not difficult enough to achieve, with the demands of work, commuting, giving the kids attention, meal preparation, organizing the children for and in bed, just when you have finally finished with all these demands on your time and it’s time to relax together, you can find your partner would prefer to be on facebook or is distracted constantly by their phone.

Research on Relationship quality and Mobile phone use

Interesting research from the University of Essex study has shown how much just having a mobile phone sitting next to you, even without using it, can negatively impact your relationship closeness.

In their study, they found that when couples were discussing anything of meaning to them, just having a mobile phone near them (and without using it) both partners reported feeling less trust in each other, and felt their partners showed less empathy than when there was no phone present at all.

The Mobile Mindset Study has also found that:

  • We are constantly connecting. Nearly 60% of people said they don’t go an hour without checking their phone. Those between 18 and 34 were the most addicted with 63% of women and 73% of men saying they can’t go an hour without checking their phones.
  • Our connection never sleeps. 54% said they check their phones while lying in bed: before they go to sleep, after they wake up, even in the middle of the night.
  • We need access everywhere. Nearly 40% admit to checking their phone even while on the toilet.

 

Mobile phones are a huge part of our lives and are here to stay, but overuse of them can really hurt your relationship.

So when you make the time to spend quality time together each night, you might want to consider making a phone-free zone, for a least half an hour a night.

You might be surprised what a qualitative difference it will make to your relationship.

More on the Core values in a healthy relationship in next week’s blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

If you are in Sydney and are experiencing this kind of problem, please check out our Sydney Relationship Team of Psychologists.

How secure do you feel in your Relationship? Take our Attachment Questionnaire

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Attachment Questionnaire

How Safe and connected do you feel with your partner?

Take this quick quiz to determine how secure your Attachment is.

From your view point, is your partner accessible to you?

  1. I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F
  2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
  3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
  4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
  5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen. T F

From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?

  1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T F
  2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
  3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
  4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
  5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F

Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?

  1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. TF
  2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
  3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T F
  4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
  5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F

 

 

To score, total the Ts                                                                                                  Your total ……….

 

Scoring:

7 or more – Yes, you have a secure attachment or bond with partner

Les than 7 – Your bond and connection with your partner does NOT feel secure. You most probably feel you have an under- responsive partner.

You may want to talk with a Relationship Psychologist to help rebuild your bond and feeling or secure attachment.

More on do you feel you are competing with your partner’s mobile phone in our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

Why do my relationships not go the way I want them to?

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Have you ever wondered why your relationships don’t go the way you want  them to despite your best efforts?

It all starts way back when you were growing up.

As a child, we all need respect, understanding, empathic attunement & mirroring of ourselves from  our parents or caregivers.

We need our parents to serve as a mirror to us, to see us clearly, to respond appropriately to our feelings, to reflect them back to us, reassuring us that they are ok, and reflect our core goodness and potential back to us.

It is only in doing this that we get to know who we really are and appreciate ourselves and feel confident about developing towards adulthood.

Unfortunately, most parents are unable to do this, as they themselves have not received this level of empathic attunement for themselves. They see their children through the dark coloured distorted glasses of their own limited perceptions of themselves, as well as their own hopes, fears, expectations and unmet needs.

They simply couldn’t give us the kind of recognition they never gave themselves, nor allow us to have feelings, needs or sensitivities they never allowed themselves to have either.

This provides an incredibly challenging situation that many children have to find a way to deal with.

To the extent that we don’t receive this empathic attunement of ourselves as a child, we grow up feeling that there is something wrong with us, or our experience; that we are in some way deficient, unworthy or unacceptable, or that we don’t exist or are  completely insignificant.

This is experienced as deeply hurtful, and this core wound and sense of emptiness can haunt us for the rest of our lives.

This attachment wound then can play itself out in a myriad of ways:

– At a level sometimes below our consciousness, we can feel deeply hurt & in shock and so we shut down our natural openness of our being

– We can have very little awareness of our real emotions and needs, as we have had no or very little validation of them.

– We can protect our sense of safety by believing that our parents must be right, and therefore we develop a haunting sense of deficiency and poor self esteem, and a most primal core belief that “I am deficient, I am unworthy, I am unacceptable, I don’t exist”

– We can develop a False Self/ Ego/ Rigid Personality which gives us:   

                          An identity

                          A sense of control and safety in the world.

                          A sense of superiority

                         An avoidance of vulnerability

But can also give us:

A lack of empathy and compassion to ourselves and others

A lack of openness and softness to ourselves and others

A sense of numbness and inner emptiness

And a life that feels flat, stale and joyless

– We can medicate ourselves by getting addicted to TV, alcohol, material success, food, social media, shopping, love, spirituality and many other things, to numb the feeling of emptiness 

– We relate in all our relationships from a rigid personality and an Insecure Attachment style 

– We have no idea of who we really are

So, our relationship with our parents helps shape our brain in a way that was highly adaptive to the circumstances we found ourselves in. We survived, we adapted and we did the best we could.

However, this closing down emotionally and feeling poorly about ourselves shapes our neural processes, self-esteem and emotional regulation capacities throughout our later life, as well as how securely we feel attached in our relationships.

Additionally all of these aspects play out over and over again in all our subsequent relationships, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy as we behave toward new people in ways that reproduce old negative relationships.

In this way almost all of us have ongoing life experiences that repeatedly reinforce earlier learned patterns of being in the world with others.

I will talk more about Attachment in the next few blogs. How secure our attachments are and what our attachment styles are, are very important components in understanding why our relationships don’t work the way we would like them.

Stay tuned for more information on understanding your attachment styles in the next couple of weeks.

If you are needing more information and help with your specific relationship click here for information on what our relationship counselling can offer.

More on how secure you feel in your relationship in our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

4 Steps to H-E-A-L your Relationship when it goes Off track

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Even the strongest relationships get off track sometimes, because of the stresses of living,  mismatches in expectations or either of us being triggered from wounds from the past.

Melanie Greenberg has developed a simple 4 step  H-E-A-L  (Hear – Empathize – Act – Love) technique to repair damaged relationships by replacing defensive self-protection with compassionate presence and loving connection.

HEAR – To Hear Your Partner, Stay Present & Listen

When your partner speaks, make an effort to stay mentally present & listen. Open your heart and take down your defenses. It’s not about defending yourself, but about trying to understand your partner & learning to fulfill each other’s needs.

Listen beyond his/her words for nonverbal signs of emotion. Does he/she have an angry expression on his/ her face or sadness in his/her eyes? Is his/her body language open and reaching towards you or closed off and guarded?

What do you think your partner is feeling? What are the needs he/she has that are not being met (such as for love, companionship, understanding, control,or respect)?

The best way to soothe an angry spouse is to let him know that you hear and & accept his/her unmet needs and are willing to make changes to help meet them.

EMPATHIZE – Allow Your Partner’s Experience to Deeply Affect you

Once you think you understand what your partner feels and have checked it out with him, pay attention to what feelings YOU have when you observe him feeling this way.

It is especially important to search beneath the surface for the softer, tender feelings. My clients often express anger when what lies underneath is feeling stuck, sad, or lonely.

Can you stay present with your partner, and connect with his/her deeper experience, perhaps feeling pain because he/she is in pain?

Can you feel compassion, and let him/her know that his/her expression of pain or anger affects you deeply?

Your first instinct in hearing your partner’s distress may be to try to solve the problem or give advice. Often this advice comes across as critical or judgmental, which makes things worse.

On the other hand, staying emotionally engaged and expressing compassion can provide healing comfort and connection. Many times, that is all he/she needs.

ACT – Take Action to Address Concerns & Show Willingness to Change

The next step is to commit to intentional action to address your partner’s needs and concerns.

These actions can range from helping more with the dishes to calling your partner during the day to let him/her know you are thinking of him/her, to spending less money because it makes her/him anxious.

When your partner sees that you take his/her concerns seriously, he/she will be more likely to feel valued and respected.

This can create a positive cycle in which he/she appreciates you and feels more loving towards you.

You don’t have to be perfect at it – just the fact that you care and are trying to change is enough to help most people feel validated.

 LOVE – Feel and Express Unconditional Love

Make space in your life to deliberately reconnect with the loving feelings you have for your partner, even if recent interactions have made you feel distant or angry.

Think about the good qualities he/she has that originally attracted you to him/her.  Perhaps look at old photos or visualize special times in your relationship and the hopes and dreams you had together.

Can you find a way to forgive yourself and your partner for the mistakes you have both made that got you off track? What do these feelings of love motivate you to do? Might you want to reach out to him/her and express your love and affection physically or with action, such as cooking a meal or writing a note?

Love is defined as a concern for another’s wellbeing and a warm feeling you have towards another. Do not make your expressions of love contingent on what your partner does, but rather reach out and express unconditional caring, support, understanding and forgiveness.

If there are unresolved trust issues that hamper your ability to love your partner freely, think about the next steps you could take to air these issues and what it would take to rebuild trust.

SUMMARY

Contrary to the way relationships are portrayed in the movies, they are not all sunsets and roses. A better analogy is that of an ever-changing, complicated dance.

When two people come together with different life histories, sensitivities, and current stresses, you are bound to bump up against each other or get blown off track over the course of a many-year relationship.

Repair your relationship using the H-E-A-L technique. By Hearing, Empathizing, Acting to Change, & Loving, you are actively reaching for your partner and letting them know that they matter and you care. This should create HEALING energy to move your relationship back to health.

If you need further help with any of these techniques, give us a ring and book in for a relationship counselling session.

More on why our relationship not go the way we want them to in in our next blog.

Warmest regards

JUlie