Enquire About Our Associate Program
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Satisfaction Guarantee
  • REQUEST AN APPOINTMENT
Call Us Now

1300 830 552

  • About Us
  • Counselling
    Types
    • Relationship Counselling
    • Same Sex Relationships
    • Sexual Issues Counselling
    • Trauma Counselling
    • Narcissism Counselling
    • Pre Marriage Counselling Courses
    • Individuals Counselling
    • Asperger’s Relationship Counselling
    • Singles Counselling
    • Family Members Counselling
    • Anger Management Program
    • Online Counselling
    • Session Fees & Rebates
  • Relationship Counselling
    Locations
    • Brisbane
    • Gold Coast
    • Sunshine Coast
    • Townsville
    • Sydney
    • Central Coast
    • Wollongong
    • Melbourne
    • Wodonga
    • Adelaide
    • Perth
    • Canberra
  • Sex Therapy
    Locations
    • Sex Therapy Brisbane
    • Sex Therapy Gold Coast
    • Sex Therapy Sunshine Coast
    • Sex Therapy Townsville
    • Sex Therapy Sydney
    • Sex Therapy Canberra
    • Sex Therapy Central Coast
    • Sex Therapy Melbourne
    • Sex Therapy Adelaide
    • Sex Therapy Perth
  • Quizzes
    • How Strong Is Your Relationship?
    • What’s Your Attachment Style?
    • Do You Have An Anger Problem?
    • What’s Your Love Language?
  • Fees & Rebates
  • FAQs
  • Contact Us
  • About Us
  • Counselling
    Types
    • Relationship Counselling
    • Same Sex Relationships
    • Sexual Issues Counselling
    • Trauma Counselling
    • Narcissism Counselling
    • Pre Marriage Counselling Courses
    • Individuals Counselling
    • Asperger’s Relationship Counselling
    • Singles Counselling
    • Family Members Counselling
    • Anger Management Program
    • Online Counselling
    • Session Fees & Rebates
  • Relationship Counselling
    Locations
    • Brisbane
    • Gold Coast
    • Sunshine Coast
    • Townsville
    • Sydney
    • Central Coast
    • Wollongong
    • Melbourne
    • Wodonga
    • Adelaide
    • Perth
    • Canberra
  • Sex Therapy
    Locations
    • Sex Therapy Brisbane
    • Sex Therapy Gold Coast
    • Sex Therapy Sunshine Coast
    • Sex Therapy Townsville
    • Sex Therapy Sydney
    • Sex Therapy Canberra
    • Sex Therapy Central Coast
    • Sex Therapy Melbourne
    • Sex Therapy Adelaide
    • Sex Therapy Perth
  • Quizzes
    • How Strong Is Your Relationship?
    • What’s Your Attachment Style?
    • Do You Have An Anger Problem?
    • What’s Your Love Language?
  • Fees & Rebates
  • FAQs
  • Contact Us

Blog

  • You are here:
  • Home
  • Did Your Relationship Start on Rocky Ground?

Our Blogs

Did Your Relationship Start on Rocky Ground?

  • Posted by admin
  • On October 12, 2016
  • In Relationship happiness, Communication, psychological wellbeing, Compatibility, Relationship problems
  • 0

Sometimes one or both people in a relationship struggle to come to terms with the conditions under which it was formed.

Common examples are where:

• trust breaches occurred

• one or both people were already in a committed relationship

• one or both people were in a dysfunctional state such as drug-affected, unwell, or in some sort of crisis

• there was an unplanned pregnancy

• there were some other difficult situational factors such as an illness, injury or a death.

In such circumstances, meeting one another could have been experienced as fraught, upsetting, complex, controversial or shameful in some way, contributing to a sense of the relationship being somehow sullied or spoiled before it had the chance to develop. The memories or perceived impact of these beginnings could seem to be ‘hanging over’ the relationship creating a negative atmosphere and the potential for further damage to be caused.

Regret about the way the relationship was formed can be heightened by a wish that you and your partner had some version of a normal or acceptable beginning, or perhaps even a ‘fairytale’ one that you might have encountered in novels or movies – the type that many people grow up believing or at least hoping will happen to them. These sorts of regrets and fantasies are understandable as it is the nature of the mind to dwell on the past and create idyllic alternative scenarios.

What to do about it

Couples who feel that they missed out on a normal or fairytale beginning to their relationship, yet who seem to have come to terms with it do at least two things well. Firstly, they fa

relationship rocky ground

ce the issue head on. As with so many relationship problems, the key is to develop insights into your own and the other person’s experience. It’s a good idea to encourage each other to tell the story, uninterrupted, of how your relationship was formed. This way each person can develop their understanding of what their partner is carrying with them. There’s no need to try to persu

ade your partner that it wasn’t that bad, only to let them know that you are trying to understand how it might have been for them.

Secondly, these couples give careful thought to how they present the beginnings of the relationship to people outside it. There are three options. The first is to keep the

story completely private. The second is to tell everyone the whole story ‘warts and all’. The third is to agree upon a story that is somewhere between these two options.

An alternative approach is to tell different stories to different people depending on how well you think they’ll understand and not judge you. The important thing here is that each of you is comfortable with how your relationship is being portrayed to others and that your story is consistent with your partners.

A narrative therapy technique

A narrative therapy technique that can be beneficial to couples who are grappling with perceived difficult beginnings to their relationship is known as ‘re-writing the narrative’ or ‘re-storying the relationship’. This is a creative exercise that involves partners expressing how they wished they had met. You can make it as long and elaborate as you like. Just have fun with it. What happens for some couples is that these invented narratives can sit alongside the actual narrative. Over time, especially if you keep embellishing the story with each re-telling, the invented memories may become as compelling and important as your actual ones. I mean, memories are just constructions anyway!

For example:

‘I’d like to think we were secret childhood sweethearts and when we finally ‘came out’, we resisted all comers who tried to break us up.’

Or

‘We actually met at the Beijing Olympic Village after we’d both won gold in the gymnastics. We then retired and spent the next six months as professional dancers on a cruise ship in the Pacific before eloping in Vanuatu.’

Remember, just as many fairytales have tragic endings, many relationships that have a non-fairytale beginning end up being fantastic and fulfilling, perhaps even more so as a result of your overcoming the initial adversity together.

If you’re looking for help with your relationship from one of our experienced psychologists across Australia, please contact us.

Read More
TAGS: couples counselling relationship counselling relationship help rocky relationship couples therapy
Share:

Previous Post

What Are You Like In a Relationship?

Next Post

Do You Wonder Why You and Your Partner Are Together?
0 comments on Did Your Relationship Start on Rocky Ground?

Search our Therapists

Near You

Rebates Available

You may be able to receive rebates of up to 75% of your session costs.

Satisfaction Guarantee

We're proud to offer our 100% risk-free, satisfaction guarantee.

GP Referral Info

Information for referring Doctors, GPs, and Health Professionals.
Blog Categories
  • Relationship
  • Development
  • Learning
  • Managing
  • Marriage counselling
  • Couples counselling
  • Empathy
  • Attachment
  • Controlling
  • Assertiveness
  • Individual counselling for relationships
  • Relationship problems
  • Intimacy
  • Communication
  • Affairs
  • Relationship counselling
  • Financial stress
  • Personal growth
  • psychological wellbeing
  • Self Esteem
  • stress
  • Relationship happiness
  • Compatibility
  • Enneagram
  • Personality
  • Infertility
  • Narcissism
  • Singles
  • Break up
  • Psychologist Interviews
  • Sex
  • Aspergers
Scroll
Quick Links
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Our Blogs
  • Members Log In
  • Contact Us
Resources
  • Relationship Counselling
  • Sex Therapy
  • Fees and Rebates
  • FAQ’s
Contact Us

1300 830 552

Email Us

© 2018 The Hart Centre. All rights reserved.

Marketing by Maquis Media