What are you like in a relationship is the powerful question that opens the door to real change. Successful couples counselling often begins when at least one person makes meaningful behavioral changes that their partner recognizes, and the most progress happens when both partners do this together.
To understand which changes will help most, build self-awareness. Ask your partner, what am I like for you. You are exploring how you are experienced day to day, especially by the person closest to you, so you can focus on changes they will value.
In crisis, this question is easy to overlook. When frustration rises, each person can fixate on the other as the problem and try to recruit the counsellor to prove it. Even if some points are valid, progress stalls when neither partner examines their own behavior.
Asking What am I like for you can feel risky. After appreciation, you may hear criticism or something confronting. Listen and seek to understand. Ask for brief examples if you need clarity and resist the urge to argue. You cannot debate a perception, but you can respond to it with care. Curiosity, calm timing, and regular check ins help you meet each other’s needs and bring out the best in your relationship.
If you want structured support while exploring this conversation, consider starting with a confidential session: Relationship Counselling or Online Counselling
Preparing the Ground and Following Through
Get clear on your intention
Questions can be asked for many reasons to learn, to persuade, or to exert power. Are you asking so you can make a point, or so you have an opportunity to criticize your partner? Are you asking so you can persuade them that you are fine the way you are? Ideally, you are asking in order to learn how to improve yourself and the relationship.
Choose a calm moment
Once you have clarified your intention and the timing feels right, you are ready to talk to your partner. You may choose to do this either in counselling or outside of it, but, if at all possible, choose a peace-time situation. Health direct (Australia’s government-funded health service) highlights the value of calm, empathetic communication and matching your behavior with your words when discussing sensitive matters.
Say to your partner something like: I want to work on myself and us. I want to understand more about what I am like to be with for you.
You may then wish to follow up with specific questions, such as:
- What am I like when I am tired
- What am I like when I am stressed
- What am I like as a communicator
- How good a listener am I
- What am I like to argue with
- What am I like as a lover
- What am I like when I am in a good mood
- How approachable am I
Understanding the Answers You Receive
Bear in mind you are not asking for an objective assessment of who you are in reality; you are asking about your partner’s perception of you how they experience you. Their response tells you something about them as well. For example, everyone will take your style of argumentation differently, depending on their sensitivity to conflict, and everyone will experience your expressions of love differently, depending on what they value.
Self-awareness is central to relationship skills. Australian resources on social and emotional learning emphasize awareness of one’s emotions and behaviors as a foundation for healthy relationships and responsible choices.
Receiving Feedback Constructively
Listen to understand, not defend
The next step is to receive answers constructively. Your ability to do this will naturally be affected by the content of what they say. Hopefully, if your timing is right and they have the impression that you are asking for the right reasons, they will respond constructively and relatively dispassionately. The APA also notes that high-quality conversations, even when awkward, deepen relationships and help resolve conflict.
If you find their answers difficult for example, offensive, obscure, vague, or overwhelming be patient and ask for clarification. You could ask for one or two illustrations of your behaviors. However, try not to get caught up in the details. This is not an opportunity to argue your case. Reacting defensively can confirm a perception that you are hard to approach.
You cannot logically argue with a perception, even if it feels extreme. Even if you think your partner is particularly judgmental or sensitive, you can still adapt to these conditions while caring for your own boundaries. If safety is a concern, the NHS offers guidance on getting help for domestic abuse and managing relationship conflict alongside mental wellbeing resources.
Turning insight into action
Choose one small behavior to shift and practice it consistently for example, pausing before replying, reflecting back what you heard, or scheduling a calm check-in each week. Evidence from relationship education and counselling shows that improving communication skills can yield moderate short-term improvements in satisfaction and connection, especially when both partners engage.
As you experiment, check in again with your partner after a few weeks. Ask whether the changes are noticeable and useful. Health direct notes that non-verbal behavior that matches your words supports trust and understanding a key part of sustaining change.
If difficult emotions are present for one or both partners, targeted therapy can help. Approaches like couples therapy within talking therapies are designed to support relationship patterns and individual wellbeing together.
If you are lucky, your partner may then ask you the same question. That simple exchange can become a turning point. If you are looking for help with your relationship from one of our experienced psychologists across Australia, please reach out. We offer in-person and secure online sessions so you can begin where you are.
Ready to understand how you show up and build a stronger connection together.
Book a confidential session with The Hart Centre today: Book now.
Julie Hart 
