Why Affairs Happen

We often talk about the grief that comes after a relationship ends. But why do affairs happen? When a relationship ends because of an affair, it becomes even harder to process your emotions. Most people expect loyalty in a committed partnership, so discovering an affair feels like a deep betrayal that breaks trust and connection.

An affair usually signals deeper trouble in the relationship it is often a symptom, not the root cause. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, causes of infidelity are complex and varied: relational dissatisfaction, personal dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, unmet emotional or sexual needs.

• Women are often more prone to emotional affairs; they may plan or consider emotional connections before acting.

• Men are more likely to act opportunistically sometimes while away from home and research suggests over 50% of men report engaging in affairs even when they believe they are “happy” in their marriage.

According to Body and Soul 2025 Sex Census, around four per cent of people reported having cheated on their partner within the past 12 months. The data showed higher rates among men, with one in 20 admitting to infidelity in the last year, compared with three per cent of women. The census also found that one in 10 bisexual respondents and 12 per cent of gay men acknowledged having been unfaithful during that period.

7 Types of Affairs

Julia Cole, in After the Affair, describes seven distinct types of affairs. Understanding how each arises can help couples and counsellors pinpoint underlying issues. Many counselling and psychology sources mirror similar classifications.

Door opening affair

This affair acts as a bridge: the unfaithful partner has already decided (or is close to deciding) to leave and uses the affair to make exiting easier.

The 3-legged stool

Here, the affair distracts from deeper relational issues. The partner may even allow the primary partner to know about it. The affair becomes a way to shift focus from core problems to the drama of betrayal itself.

Revenge affair

Intended to hurt or “get back” at a partner especially when hurt, betrayal, or rejection has already occurred. This is typically short-lived and emotionally driven.

“Notice Me” Affair

Occurs when one partner feels ignored or unheard. It may be emotional or sexual in nature, intended to jolt the partner into awareness not necessarily to end the relationship.

Avoidance affair.

Used to avoid intimacy and vulnerability. Affairs may occur repeatedly as an escape from emotional closeness or expectations. Some compare this pattern to addictive behavior.

Experimental affair

Driven by curiosity, novelty, or unmet sexual desire. When sex in the primary relationship has become stale or limited, one partner may test what it’s like with someone new.

Opportunistic affair

This is often impulsive arising in the heat of the moment (after drinking, during travel, a chance seduction). While it may initially boost ego or desirability, it tends to be quickly regretted.

Can a Relationship Survive an Affair?

Short answer: yes, but it takes substantial effort from both partners, especially the one who strayed. Relationship counselling is almost always essential to navigate this healing journey.

The 5 Essential stages to recovering from an Affair

Infidelity wounds deeply. With skilled counsellors and consistent commitment, many couples rebuild trust and even emerge stronger. Below is a refined version of the 5 stages on hoe to recover, enriched with psychological context and best practices.

1. The affair must end
   

   The unfaithful partner must cease all contact emotional, digital, or physical. This boundary is non-negotiable for trust-building.

2. Express & Validate Emotions

   The hurt partner needs space to express the full spectrum of their emotions (shock, denial, anger, betrayal, sadness). The affair partner must listen, validate feelings, and resist defensiveness.

3. Rebuilding Trust Through Transparency
   

   The unfaithful partner must step into radical transparency: location, communications, schedules, phone/email access. Consistent accountability is essential until trust is restored.

4. Finding meaning
   

   Together, the couple explores why the affair happened individually and relationally to prevent recurrence. This may require deeper therapy or personal work.

5. Forgiveness
   

   For healing to happen, the unfaithful partner must feel deep remorse, genuine humility, and real empathy for the pain they’ve caused. In addition, there needs to be a commitment and hope for a better future together. Only then is it possible for the other partner to be able to forgive fully.

6. Forgiveness & Restructuring the Relationship

Forgiveness is earned through remorse, empathy, humility, and a sustained commitment to change. The couple then redesigns how they relate stronger communication, new rituals,  deeper intimacy.

Additional Healing Strategies & Counselling Support

• • Seek a skilled couple’s therapist or relationship counsellor. A neutral, trained guide can help each partner be heard, manage emotional triggers, and move through rebuilding steps.

  • Set regular check-ins. Daily or weekly conversations without distractions help maintain progress.

  • Rebuild emotional and physical intimacy gradually. This may involve exercises, shared experiences, and new connection rituals.

  • Individual therapy or coaching. The unfaithful partner may need to explore attachment wounds, identity, values.

  • Self-care & support networks. Friends, support groups, journaling, mindfulness all help stabilise emotional health during the process.

Affairs are painful and disorienting. Yet, with the right help, many couples not only recover they grow. Don’t navigate this alone. Skilled counselling, honest communication, and unwavering commitment make the difference.

If you’d like support through this process, please use the search box on our site to find a relationship psychologist near you. We work with clients across Australia, with dedicated services in major cities including Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Canberra, Brisbane, and Adelaide offering support both in-person and online.