Stonewalling vs. Taking Space: The Critical Difference in Healthy Communication

Author: Melinda

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Stonewalling vs. Taking Space: The Critical Difference in Healthy Communication

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Is your partner completely shutting down during difficult conversations? Or are they genuinely taking necessary space to process emotions? Understanding this crucial difference could save your relationship.

Many couples struggle to tell the difference between harmful stonewalling and healthy space-taking. When one partner withdraws, it can trigger anxiety, frustration, and a sense of rejection in the other. But learning to recognize these distinct patterns can transform your relationship dynamics and build stronger communication.

 

Sarah and Michael’s Story: When Silence Feels Like Rejection

Sarah noticed that whenever she brought up concerns about their finances, her husband Michael would abruptly end the conversation. He’d walk away, refuse to respond, or change the subject entirely.

“It made me feel like I was talking to a brick wall,” Sarah recalls. “The more he shut down, the more I would push to be heard, and we’d end up in this terrible cycle where neither of us felt understood.”

What Sarah was experiencing was stonewalling – a harmful communication pattern where one partner completely withdraws from interaction, refusing to engage, respond, or even acknowledge the other’s concerns. This pattern left Sarah feeling dismissed and Michael feeling overwhelmed, creating a toxic cycle that threatened their relationship.

Their breakthrough came when they learnt to distinguish between stonewalling and taking space through couples therapy.

 

Understanding Stonewalling: The Relationship Barrier

Stonewalling occurs when one partner completely shuts down during a conversation, withdrawing from interaction and refusing to engage. Renowned relationship researcher Dr John Gottman identifies stonewalling as one of the “Four Horsemen” of relationship breakdown, alongside criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. In his landmark research at the University of Washington’s Love Lab, Gottman found that stonewalling was the most reliable predictor of divorce when it became a habitual response to conflict.

25 Signs of Stonewalling in Relationships

Recognising stonewalling is the first step toward addressing it. Here are 25 specific signs that stonewalling may be occurring in your relationship:

Verbal Signs:

  1. Giving monosyllabic responses: Replying with only “fine,” “whatever,” or “okay” to shut down conversation
  2. Refusing to answer questions: Ignoring direct questions or requests for clarification
  3. Using dismissive phrases: Saying things like “I don’t want to talk about this” without suggesting when the topic can be revisited
  4. Making excuses to end conversations: Suddenly remembering urgent tasks or appointments when difficult topics arise
  5. Responding with “I don’t know”: Using this phrase repeatedly to avoid engaging in problem-solving
  6. Going silent mid-conversation: Suddenly stopping participation without explanation
  7. Changing the subject abruptly: Redirecting conversations away from sensitive topics
  8. Using sarcasm as deflection: Making sarcastic comments rather than engaging authentically
  9. Speaking in a monotone: Using a flat, emotionless voice that discourages further conversation

Physical Signs:

  1. Physically leaving the room: Walking away during discussions without communicating a need for space
  2. Creating physical barriers: Placing objects between you and your partner or increasing physical distance
  3. Avoiding eye contact: Looking at phones, television, or elsewhere to prevent connection
  4. Displaying closed body language: Crossing arms, turning away, or physically closing off
  5. Engaging in distraction activities: Suddenly becoming absorbed in tasks, devices, or television
  6. Facial freezing: Making facial expressions blank or unresponsive
  7. Physically shutting down: Appearing frozen or immobile during conflict

Emotional Signs:

  1. Emotional withdrawal: Becoming cold or indifferent during emotional conversations
  2. Refusing to show vulnerability: Masking all feelings behind a wall of indifference
  3. Displaying contempt: Rolling eyes, sighing heavily, or showing other signs of contempt
  4. Becoming defensive: Responding with immediate self-protection rather than listening
  5. Showing emotional flooding: Appearing overwhelmed to the point of shutdown
  6. Denying feelings: Claiming to feel “nothing” when clearly upset or emotional

Pattern Signs:

  1. Consistently avoiding certain topics: Developing a pattern of stonewalling around specific issues
  2. Timing stonewalling strategically: Shutting down when solutions or compromises seem imminent
  3. Using stonewalling as punishment: Withdrawing as a way to create anxiety or regain control
  4. Increasing duration: Episodes of stonewalling lasting longer over time
  5. Refusing couples communication: Rejecting suggestions to improve communication patterns
  6. Denying stonewalling: Refusing to acknowledge the pattern when it’s pointed out
  7. Escalating quickly: Moving from engagement to complete withdrawal with little warning
  8. Returning to normal: Acting as if nothing happened after periods of stonewalling without addressing the issue

If you recognise five or more of these signs consistently occurring in your relationship, stonewalling may be becoming an established pattern that requires attention.

The Psychology Behind Stonewalling

Did you know that stonewalling often emerges as a self-protection mechanism? Research from the Australian Journal of Psychology shows that many people who stonewall are actually experiencing emotional flooding – a state where they feel so overwhelmed by negative emotions that they shut down.

For men particularly, this physiological response can include elevated heart rate, increased blood pressure, and the release of stress hormones that make productive communication virtually impossible. What looks like deliberate disinterest is often the body’s automatic response to perceived emotional threat.

For the stonewaller, closing off communication feels like self-preservation. For their partner, it feels like rejection and abandonment. This mismatched perception creates a cycle of pursuing and distancing that damages intimacy over time. At The Hart Centre, our therapists specialise in helping couples recognise and break this damaging pattern.

 

 

Taking Space: A Healthy Alternative

Unlike stonewalling, taking space is a constructive approach to managing emotions during difficult conversations. It involves temporarily stepping away from an interaction with clear communication and the intention to return when emotions are regulated. According to research published in Frontiers in Psychology, this approach actually strengthens relationships over time rather than damaging them.

The Key Elements of Taking Space:

  • Clear communication: Explaining the need for a break (“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some time to think”)
  • Setting timeframes: Specifying when you’ll return to the conversation (“Can we talk about this in 30 minutes when I’ve calmed down?”)
  • Emotional awareness: Recognising when you’re becoming too emotional to communicate effectively
  • Responsibility: Taking ownership of your need for space rather than blaming your partner
  • Follow-through: Actually returning to the conversation as promised

Creating a Personal Space-Taking Protocol

Every individual and relationship is unique, so developing your own personalised space-taking approach is vital. The Hart Centre’s therapists can help you create what we call a “Pause Protocol”—a pre-established agreement about how either partner can take constructive space during heated moments.

A well-designed protocol might include:

  • Specific language to request a break without triggering abandonment fears
  • Designated spaces in your home for each partner to retreat to
  • A curated list of calming activities that work for each person
  • Guidelines for how to reconnect after the break
  • A shared understanding of the difference between taking space and abandoning the conversation

 

Did You Know? Facts About Communication Patterns

  • Research shows that stonewalling appears in 85% of relationships experiencing serious difficulties, according to a comprehensive study by the Relationships Australia
  • Men are more likely to stonewall than women, often due to physiological differences in how they experience emotional flooding. Harvard Health research indicates men’s bodies produce more stress hormones during relationship conflict
  • The average couple waits six years before seeking help for communication problems like stonewalling, during which time negative patterns become deeply entrenched
  • Couples who learn to take space effectively rather than stonewalling can significant improvements in relationship satisfaction after just a few months
  • Neuroscience research from Queensland Brain Institute shows that when flooded with stress hormones, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking) becomes less active while the amygdala (emotional centre) becomes hyperactive
  • Cultural differences significantly impact stonewalling tendencies, with some cultures viewing emotional withdrawal as more acceptable than others, according to cross-cultural research in the International Journal of Psychology

 

5 Practical Steps to Replace Stonewalling with Healthy Space

If you recognise stonewalling patterns in your relationship, these actionable steps can help transform your communication:

  1. Create a timeout signal: Establish a non-verbal cue that either partner can use to indicate they need space (a hand gesture, a code word)
  2. Set clear parameters: Agree in advance how long the break will last (20-30 minutes is often ideal) and where each person will go during that time
  3. Practice self-soothing: Use the break to engage in calming activities like deep breathing, light exercise, or mindfulness techniques
  4. Return to the conversation: Honour your commitment to come back after the agreed-upon time, even if just to reschedule a longer discussion
  5. Start fresh: When you return, begin with appreciation for the break and a calm statement of your feelings rather than jumping right back into the conflict

 

Reflection Exercise: Identifying Your Patterns

Take a moment to reflect on your own communication patterns with these questions:

  • When conflicts arise, do you tend to shut down completely or just need temporary space?
  • If you take space, do you communicate clearly about your intentions to return to the conversation?
  • How does your body feel when difficult topics emerge? Can you identify physical signs of emotional flooding?
  • What calming techniques work best for you when emotions run high?
  • Can you recall a recent conflict where taking space (rather than stonewalling) might have led to a better outcome?

Write your answers down and consider sharing them with your partner as a way to begin a conversation about improving your communication patterns.

 

The Partner’s Perspective: Understanding the Impact

If your partner tends to stonewall, understanding the experience from their perspective can create compassion rather than frustration. Common responses can often include:

  • “My mind goes completely blank—I literally can’t form thoughts”
  • “It feels like every word might make things worse, so silence seems safer”
  • “I need to escape before I say something hurtful that I’ll regret”
  • “My heart races so much I can barely breathe, let alone talk”
  • “I feel attacked and my instinct is to protect myself by disengaging”

This insight doesn’t excuse stonewalling behaviour but can help the pursuer understand that their partner’s withdrawal is rarely a calculated attempt to cause pain. With this understanding, couples can work together to develop alternative responses.

 

Transforming Connection Through Understanding

The journey from stonewalling to healthy space-taking doesn’t happen overnight, but each small step builds stronger communication foundations. When partners can distinguish between harmful withdrawal and constructive pauses, conflicts become opportunities for deeper understanding rather than disconnection.

As Sarah and Michael discovered, learning this distinction transformed their relationship: “Now when Michael says he needs twenty minutes to process, I don’t panic thinking he’s shutting me out forever,” Sarah explains. “And knowing I’ll respect his need for space makes it easier for Michael to stay engaged in difficult conversations rather than shutting down.”

Whether you’re struggling with stonewalling or simply want to enhance your communication skills, remember that the goal isn’t perfect conflict-free interaction, but rather developing the tools to navigate inevitable disagreements with respect and care.

Ready to take the first step? Book a session with one of our experienced relationship therapists to learn personalised strategies for breaking the stonewalling cycle and building healthier communication patterns.

Our expert therapists at The Hart Centre specialise in helping couples transform destructive communication patterns into opportunities for connection and growth.

 

 

Shouldering The Mental Load: Why It Matters and How to Share It

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In the complex dance of modern relationships, one partner often carries an invisible weight that goes unnoticed until it becomes unbearable.

This weight isn’t physical—it’s mental, emotional, and utterly exhausting. Welcome to the world of “the mental load,” a phenomenon that silently shapes relationship dynamics and disproportionately affects women.

For many couples juggling careers, children, and household responsibilities, understanding and addressing the mental load has become essential for relationship health and personal wellbeing.

This comprehensive guide explores what the mental load really is, why it matters, and practical strategies for sharing it fairly.

 

What Is the Mental Load? Understanding the Invisible Labour

The mental load refers to the constant, invisible cognitive labour involved in managing a household and family life. It’s not just about doing chores—it’s about the ongoing mental energy spent remembering, planning, anticipating, and coordinating all aspects of domestic life.

Research in couples psychology shows that the mental load encompasses all the behind-the-scenes thinking that makes a household run smoothly. It’s the constant awareness of what needs to be done, who needs what, and when everything needs to happen—essentially functioning as the project manager of family life.

This invisible work includes:

  • Remembering important dates (birthdays, school events, medical appointments)
  • Anticipating household needs (noticing when supplies are running low)
  • Planning meals and considering everyone’s preferences and dietary needs
  • Monitoring children’s developmental milestones and emotional wellbeing
  • Coordinating social calendars and family commitments
  • Researching childcare options, schools, or activities for children
  • Managing household finances and budgets

Unlike physical chores which have a clear beginning and end, the mental load is constant and ongoing—a perpetual background process running in one person’s mind.

 

The Air Traffic Controller: An Analogy

Imagine your household as a busy airport. Physical chores are like the planes taking off and landing—visible, tangible, and with clear completion points. The mental load is what the air traffic controller does: constantly monitoring all aircraft, anticipating potential conflicts, planning for weather changes, ensuring safety protocols are followed, and coordinating hundreds of details simultaneously.

Now imagine that in most households, one partner is both helping to fly planes AND working as the air traffic controller, while the other partner simply follows flight instructions when asked. This creates a fundamental imbalance.

When one partner asks the other, “What can I do to help?” they’re inadvertently reinforcing this dynamic. They’re positioning themselves as a helpful pilot waiting for instructions, rather than taking on a share of the air traffic control responsibilities.

James Thompson, a 42-year-old father from Melbourne, admits: “I used to think I was being helpful by asking my wife what needed doing. It took me years to realise that by asking her what needed doing, I was actually adding to her mental workload, forcing her to stop, think, and delegate—when what she really needed was for me to notice things myself and take initiative.”

 

The Gendered Nature of the Mental Load

While not exclusively a gendered issue, research consistently shows that women shoulder a disproportionate share of the mental load, even in otherwise egalitarian relationships. A 2022 survey by the Australian Institute of Family Studies found that Australian women spend an average of 21 hours per week on unpaid household management activities, compared to just 8 hours for men.

This imbalance persists even when both partners work full-time, with women in dual-income households still performing approximately 65% of the mental labour associated with family life.

Research from the University of Queensland indicates that the mental load disparity is one of the most persistent gender inequalities in modern Australian households. Even as we’ve seen progress in many areas of gender equality, this invisible work remains stubbornly unbalanced.

 

A Brief History: From Traditional Roles to Modern Complexity

The concept of the mental load emerged as women’s roles expanded beyond traditional domestic spheres without a corresponding shift in domestic responsibilities.

In post-war Australia of the 1950s and 60s, household management was explicitly considered “women’s work,” with clear gender delineation. As women entered the workforce in greater numbers through the 1970s and 80s, they effectively took on a “second shift”—paid employment followed by unpaid domestic labour.

By the 1990s and 2000s, while men were participating more in physical child-rearing activities and chores, the mental and emotional management of households remained largely with women.

The 2020s have brought new complexities. Remote work arrangements, increasing childcare costs, and the growing complexity of children’s educational and extracurricular schedules have intensified the mental load for many families. The COVID-19 pandemic further exacerbated these pressures, with many families experiencing first-hand how the collapse of childcare and educational support systems dramatically increased the mental load at home.

Today, with 73% of mothers in paid employment and childcare costs among the highest in the developed world according to OECD data, equitably sharing the mental load has become not just a relationship issue but an economic necessity for many families.

 

20 Real-World Examples

The mental load manifests in countless small moments that accumulate over time. Here are twenty examples you may find familiar:

  1. The Birthday Manager: Remembering not just family birthdays, but buying appropriate gifts, planning parties, and sending cards to extended family and children’s friends.
  2. The Vaccination Tracker: Keeping track of when children need vaccinations, booking appointments, and ensuring medical records are up-to-date.
  3. The Lunchbox Planner: Planning school lunches that are nutritious, appealing to children, comply with school allergen policies, and use ingredients already in the house.
  4. The Uniform Maintainer: Noticing when school uniforms are getting too small, sports uniforms need washing for tomorrow’s game, or special clothing is required for an upcoming event.
  5. The Social Secretary: Maintaining relationships with other families, arranging playdates, responding to birthday invitations, and coordinating family social events.
  6. The Holiday Planner: Researching family holidays, booking accommodations, planning activities suitable for all family members, and ensuring everything from pet care to mail collection is arranged while away.
  7. The Childcare Coordinator: Managing childcare arrangements, including backup plans for sick days or school holidays, and maintaining relationships with caregivers.
  8. The School Communications Manager: Reading and responding to school emails, permission slips, newsletters, and remembering mufti days, book week costumes, and fundraising events.
  9. The Gift Economy Manager: Keeping track of who gave what for birthdays/Christmas and ensuring appropriate reciprocation.
  10. The Household Inventory Controller: Noticing when toilet paper, cleaning supplies, or children’s essentials are running low before they run out.
  11. The Meal Planner: Planning weekly meals that accommodate everyone’s preferences, dietary requirements, and schedules, while minimizing food waste and managing the budget.
  12. The Emotional Temperature Checker: Monitoring family members’ emotional wellbeing, noticing when someone needs extra support, and facilitating communication during conflicts.
  13. The Calendar Coordinator: Juggling multiple work schedules, school events, medical appointments, and social commitments to avoid conflicts.
  14. The Homework Helper: Keeping track of assignment due dates, helping with projects, and communicating with teachers about progress or concerns.
  15. The Clothing Manager: Noticing when children have outgrown clothes, what seasonal items are needed, and ensuring appropriate clothes are clean and available for specific activities or weather conditions.
  16. The Pet Care Overseer: Remembering vet appointments, medication schedules, food supplies, and exercise needs for family pets.
  17. The Home Maintenance Scheduler: Tracking when services like lawn mowing, cleaning, or repairs are needed and coordinating with service providers.
  18. The Financial Administrator: Managing household bills, budget planning, and foreseeing upcoming expenses from school excursions to car registration.
  19. The Extended Family Diplomat: Maintaining relationships with both sides of the family, organising visits, remembering important events, and managing family dynamics during gatherings.
  20. The Child Development Researcher: Researching normal developmental milestones, educational approaches, or behavioural strategies when concerns arise about children.

 

Beyond “Mental Load”: Other Names for the Phenomenon

The concept of the mental load goes by several other names, each highlighting different aspects of this invisible work:

  • Emotional Labour: The work of managing not just tasks but family members’ feelings and interpersonal dynamics, a term popularized by sociologist Arlie Hochschild.
  • Invisible Work: Emphasising how this labour goes unseen and unacknowledged, as explored in this ABC article.
  • Cognitive Labour: Focusing on the mental planning and organising aspects.
  • The Second Shift: Highlighting how this work comes after paid employment, a concept developed by Hochschild and Anne Machung.
  • Management Overhead: Borrowing from business terminology to describe the coordination and planning aspects.
  • Domestic Project Management: Recognising the similarity to professional project management roles, as discussed in The Hart Centre’s relationship resources.
  • Mental Bandwidth Taxation: Describing how it constantly occupies mental space and energy.

 

Case Study: A Brisbane Family’s Experience

A professional couple in their late 30s with two children aged 8 and 5 sought relationship counselling when the wife found herself experiencing symptoms of burnout.

The wife, a part-time legal consultant, described feeling constantly exhausted despite reducing her paid work hours. “I thought working four days a week would give me breathing room, but I found myself using that fifth day to catch up on all the household management that had built up.”

Her husband, a financial analyst, was confused by her exhaustion. “I didn’t understand what was happening. I do chores—I cook dinner twice a week, handle bath time, and take the kids to sport on weekends. I thought we were sharing the load.”

Through counselling, the husband came to recognise that while he was contributing to household tasks, his wife was still carrying almost all of the mental load:

  • She maintained the family calendar and told him where he needed to be and when
  • She noticed when children needed new clothes, school supplies, or haircuts
  • She researched appropriate activities, schools, and healthcare options for the children
  • She maintained relationships with teachers, other parents, and extended family
  • She planned all holidays, family events, and children’s birthday parties
  • She managed all household supplies, meal planning, and budgeting

Their counsellor helped them implement a system where the husband took complete ownership of specific domains rather than just helping with isolated tasks. He took full responsibility for school communication, children’s clothing management, and social relationship maintenance with his side of the family and several of the children’s friends’ families.

Six months later, the wife reported significant improvements in her mental health and energy levels, while the husband described feeling more connected to his children’s daily lives. “I never realised how much I was missing by being in the passenger seat of our family life,” he reflected.

 

Sharing the Load: 25 Practical Strategies for Couples

Creating a more balanced approach to the mental load requires deliberate effort from both parties. Here are some strategies couples can implement:

1. Systems and Tools

  1. Create a shared digital calendar that both partners maintain and check regularly, with colour coding for different family members.
  2. Implement a dedicated family management app like Trello, Asana, or Cozi where tasks, shopping lists, and responsibilities are visible to both partners.
  3. Hold weekly family meetings to discuss upcoming events, needs, and distribute planning responsibilities.
  4. Set up automatic reminders for recurring tasks like car registration, dental check-ups, or school fee payments that notify both partners.
  5. Use shared shopping lists that both partners contribute to when they notice items running low.

2. Relationship Approaches

  1. Divide by domains rather than tasks – Instead of splitting individual chores, assign complete responsibility areas (e.g., one partner manages everything related to school, the other manages everything related to extracurricular activities).
  2. Implement a “you noticed it, you own it” rule – If you’re the one who notices the bathroom needs cleaning or the children need new shoes, you take responsibility for handling it rather than delegating.
  3. Practice regular role reversals – Periodically swap all household management responsibilities for a month to develop empathy and skills in all areas.
  4. Conduct a “mental load audit” – List every household management task performed over two weeks, then redistribute them more equitably.
  5. Schedule regular check-ins specifically about the mental load distribution, apart from other relationship discussions.

3. Personal Development Strategies

  1. Challenge gendered assumptions – Question whether certain responsibilities have defaulted to one partner based on gender stereotypes rather than preference or ability.
  2. Develop individual expertise – Each partner should develop deep knowledge in specific areas (e.g., children’s developmental stages, household finance management, home maintenance needs).
  3. Practice noticing – The partner with less awareness should deliberately practice noticing household needs without being prompted.
  4. Build direct relationships – Both partners should develop independent relationships with children’s teachers, healthcare providers, and other significant people rather than having one partner mediate these connections.
  5. Learn to tolerate imperfection – Often the mental load-bearing partner maintains impossibly high standards; learning to accept different approaches is essential.

4. Practical Household Approaches

  1. Create household operating manuals – Document important information about household systems, children’s needs, and regular procedures so both partners can access this knowledge.
  2. Simplify where possible – Evaluate which household standards or activities are creating unnecessary mental load and consider eliminating or outsourcing them.
  3. Distribute daily monitoring tasks – Take turns being the person who checks the family calendar each morning and reviews what’s needed for the day.
  4. Alternate “on call” days for unexpected situations like sick children or school emergencies.
  5. Make invisible work visible – Use visual tools like wall calendars, chore boards, or shared digital workspaces to make planning work tangible.

5. Involving Children and Support Networks

  1. Age-appropriate responsibility transfer to children – Teaching children to remember their own equipment, manage simple aspects of their schedule, and notice household needs.
  2. Engage extended family equitably – Both partners should coordinate with their own families for visits, gifts, and special occasions.
  3. Build community support systems with other local families for sharing school pickups, childcare during emergencies, or carpooling.
  4. Consider professional support when affordable – Housecleaning, meal delivery services, or occasional childcare can reduce the overall load.
  5. Use technology mindfully – Set up automated systems for bill payments, subscription management, and other regular tasks.

 

 

Mental Load Burnout: Warning Signs to Watch For

When the mental load becomes overwhelming, burnout can develop. Unlike general stress, mental load burnout has specific characteristics. Look out for these warning signs:

In Yourself:

  • Resentment when your partner relaxes while your mind is still racing with to-do lists
  • Difficulty enjoying family time because you’re mentally planning the next task
  • Feeling that explaining what needs to be done would take longer than doing it yourself
  • Decision fatigue that leaves you unable to choose even small things like what to watch on TV
  • Fantasies about running away or being hospitalised (not for the illness but for the break)
  • Crying over seemingly small domestic issues like finding an empty milk carton in the fridge
  • Feeling invisible despite constant activity and contribution
  • Declining invitations or personal activities because the coordination required feels overwhelming

In Your Partner:

  • Increasing irritability about household matters that seem disproportionate
  • Withdrawing from family activities while still managing household logistics
  • Making seemingly irrational demands for appreciation of invisible work
  • Expressing that they “just can’t think about one more thing”
  • Sleep disturbances despite physical exhaustion
  • Loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed
  • Frequent statements about feeling alone in running the household
  • Expressions of identity loss or statements like “I’m just a household manager now”

 

Moving Forward: Creating Lasting Change

Addressing the mental load imbalance requires more than a temporary redistribution of tasks—it requires sustained attention and cultural shift within the relationship. Here are key principles for creating lasting change:

For Partners Carrying Less of the Load: A Direct Guide to Stepping Up

If your partner has expressed frustration about carrying too much of the mental load, this section is specifically for you. It can be difficult to hear that you’re not doing enough, especially if you feel you contribute in other ways. However, addressing this imbalance is crucial for your relationship’s health and your partner’s wellbeing.

Here’s how to meaningfully step up:

  1. Start by listening without defensiveness. When your partner expresses frustration, resist the urge to list all the things you do help with. Instead, try to understand the invisible work they’re describing.
  2. Conduct your own household audit. Before asking your partner what you can do, spend a week actively noticing what keeps your household running. Who remembers the children need new shoes? Who knows when the car registration is due? Who plans meals and tracks household supplies?
  3. Take full ownership of specific domains. Rather than offering to “help” with individual tasks, take complete responsibility for entire areas of family life. This might include:
    • School communications and events
    • Children’s clothing needs and shopping
    • Meal planning and grocery management
    • Family social calendar and gift-giving
    • Home maintenance scheduling
  4. Use technology independently. Set up your own reminder systems for recurring responsibilities rather than relying on your partner to prompt you.
  5. Build direct relationships with important people in your family’s life. Introduce yourself to teachers, healthcare providers, and other parents. Don’t rely on your partner to be the intermediary.
  6. Anticipate needs rather than waiting to be asked. Train yourself to notice when things need attention before they become urgent—the nearly-empty toilet paper roll, the permission slip that needs signing, the birthday party coming up this weekend.
  7. Accept imperfection as part of learning. You will make mistakes as you take on new responsibilities. This is normal and necessary for growth.
  8. Check in regularly about how it’s going. Ask specific questions like “Am I taking enough initiative with the children’s school matters?” rather than general ones like “Am I doing better?”
  9. Make the mental workload visible by documenting it. Create shared checklists or calendars that make planning work tangible.
  10. Recognize this is a marathon, not a sprint. Consistent effort over time matters more than a short burst of increased involvement.
  11. Share your own observations about the mental load with other friends who might be in similar situations. Normalizing these conversations helps shift cultural expectations.

Remember that stepping up isn’t just about easing your partner’s burden—it’s about becoming a more engaged parent and partner. Many men who take on more mental load report deeper connections with their children and a more satisfying home life overall.

For the Partner Carrying Most of the Load:

  • Practice imperfect delegation – Allow tasks to be done differently without correction
  • Communicate impacts rather than tasks – Express how the mental load affects your wellbeing, career, and relationship satisfaction
  • Identify and challenge perfectionistic standards that may be self-imposed
  • Cultivate outside interests that provide mental breaks from household management
  • Recognise and celebrate progress rather than focusing solely on what still needs improvement

For the Partner Taking on More Load:

  • Develop independent competence rather than relying on guidance
  • Take initiative to learn systems through observation and research
  • Build your own awareness muscles by regularly asking “what needs attention here?”
  • Connect mental load sharing to relationship values like partnership and respect
  • Accept discomfort as part of the growth process when taking on unfamiliar responsibilities

For Both Partners:

  • Frame this as relationship growth rather than criticism or failure
  • Acknowledge that change takes time and requires ongoing attention
  • Celebrate the relationship benefits that come from more balanced mental load sharing
  • Model equal partnership for children and discuss the value of everyone contributing to household thinking
  • Revisit and adjust systems regularly as family needs change

 

Conclusion: Beyond Equal Chores to Equal Care

True partnership extends beyond dividing physical tasks equally. It means sharing the mental and emotional responsibility for creating a functioning, nurturing home environment. When both partners fully engage in noticing, planning, and managing family life, they create not just a more efficient household but a deeper connection.

Relationship experts note that couples who successfully navigate the mental load challenge often find their relationships strengthened. Partners report feeling truly seen and experiencing a deeper sense of teamwork. It’s not just about fairness—it’s about creating a relationship where both people feel fully engaged in creating their shared life. If you’re struggling with mental load imbalance in your relationship, consider booking a session with a qualified relationship counsellor.

For couples navigating the particular challenges of our high-pressure work culture, expensive childcare system, and geographically dispersed families, addressing the mental load isn’t a luxury—it’s essential for relationship sustainability and personal wellbeing.

By making the invisible visible, sharing the cognitive and emotional labour, and creating systems that work for your unique family situation, you can transform not just who does what, but how you experience your relationship and family life.

If you’d like help from an expert couples therapist in creating fairer division in the mental load, you can call us on 1300 830 552 or email through your enquiry here. We specialise in matching clients with their ideal therapist. We’re here to help.

 

 

12 Professions Most Prone to Burnout – How It Affects Mental Health, Relationships, and Family Life

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Burnout can significantly affect not only professionals in their work environments but also in their personal lives, impacting their relationships, family dynamics, and overall well-being.

In my time working as a mental health professional, I’ve seen how burnout can seep into all areas of life.

Below are the top 12 professions most prone to burnout, including age examples to illustrate how burnout affects people at different life stages.

1. Chefs and Food Service Workers

Burnout Rate: 50-60%
Example: Sarah, 32, a chef in Melbourne, has worked in busy kitchens for a decade. After years of 12-hour shifts in high-pressure environments, she found herself emotionally detached. The long hours left her too exhausted to engage with her partner, causing strain in their relationship. Sarah noticed that her patience had worn thin, and her partner began to feel neglected as they spent less and less quality time together.

Burnout in chefs often creates challenges at home, where partners may take on more responsibilities, leading to resentment and emotional disconnect.

2. Teachers

Burnout Rate: 45-55%
Example: Fiona, 41, a high school teacher in Brisbane, has spent 15 years teaching and loves helping her students. However, as the demands of managing a classroom, grading, and administrative tasks grew, she found herself becoming short-tempered with her children and emotionally unavailable for her partner. Her once tight-knit family began to feel the strain of her constant exhaustion.

Teachers like Fiona often bring their work-related stress home, causing tension in family life, where partners and children may feel overlooked.

3. Veterinarians & Veterinary Nurses

Burnout Rate: 40-60%
Example: Josh, 38, a veterinarian in Sydney, has been practicing for over 14 years. Dealing with pet emergencies and euthanasia on a regular basis has worn him down emotionally. He began to withdraw from his wife and children, feeling numb after tough days at the clinic. Josh’s emotional detachment caused strain in his marriage, as his wife started feeling disconnected from him.

Veterinary professionals like Josh often experience emotional fatigue that spills over into family life, making it hard to engage emotionally with loved ones.

4. Doctors (Physicians)

Burnout Rate: 40-50%
Example: Dr. Sam, 45, is an emergency room doctor in Perth. After working 10-hour shifts, dealing with life-and-death situations, Sam would come home emotionally drained. His wife noticed that he no longer had the energy to engage with their two children, and over time, their communication suffered. Sam’s emotional and physical exhaustion left his family feeling unsupported.

Doctors like Sam often struggle to balance the high demands of their jobs with the emotional needs of their families, leading to relationship strain.

5. Mental Health Professionals (Therapists, Counsellors, Social Workers)

Burnout Rate: 39-54%
Example: Olivia, 36, a social worker in Adelaide, spends her days listening to her clients’ traumatic stories. The weight of managing their emotional pain began to affect her own mental health. At home, her partner felt that Olivia had nothing left to give emotionally. Olivia’s burnout made it difficult for her to be present for her family, and over time, her relationship started to deteriorate.

Mental health professionals like Olivia are prone to compassion fatigue, which can lead to emotional numbness, affecting personal relationships and family dynamics.

6. Nurses (ICU and ER nurses in particular)

Burnout Rate: 30-50%
Example: Lucy, 29, is an ICU nurse in Melbourne. Working long, emotionally taxing shifts left her with little energy for her personal life. Lucy found herself disengaged from her partner, often falling asleep soon after returning home. Her partner began to feel neglected, and their relationship suffered as Lucy’s emotional availability dwindled.

Burnout in nurses often leads to emotional withdrawal, leaving partners and children feeling emotionally isolated and unsupported.

7. Air Traffic Controllers

Burnout Rate: 28-46%
Example: Michael, 43, an air traffic controller in Brisbane, faces intense pressure daily as he manages flight safety. After long shifts filled with high-stakes decisions, he comes home mentally exhausted. His partner noticed that Michael often appeared irritable and distant, which caused growing tension in their relationship.

Burnout among air traffic controllers often leads to irritability and emotional exhaustion, affecting their ability to maintain healthy personal relationships.

8. IT Professionals and Software Developers

Burnout Rate: 35-45%
Example: Emma, 34, a software developer in Sydney, finds herself constantly on call, working long hours to meet tight deadlines. The pressure to deliver, combined with the expectation to troubleshoot at all hours, left her emotionally drained. Emma’s relationship with her partner began to deteriorate as she prioritised work over their time together, creating tension in their home life.

Burnout in IT professionals often results in a work-life imbalance, where partners feel overlooked as the individual becomes consumed by their work.

9. Journalists

Burnout Rate: 35-45%
Example: Kate, 28, is a journalist in Canberra who regularly covers traumatic events. The emotional strain of reporting on tragedies, coupled with tight deadlines, left her feeling emotionally disconnected from her partner. Kate found it hard to be present at home, and her partner began to feel unsupported as she withdrew emotionally.

Burnout in journalists can lead to emotional detachment from loved ones, causing distance and misunderstandings in relationships.

10. Surgeons

Burnout Rate: 30-38%
Example: Dr. Ahmed, 50, a surgeon in Perth, spends long hours in the operating theatre. The immense responsibility of performing life-saving surgeries has left him emotionally and physically exhausted. At home, Dr. Ahmed’s partner felt neglected as he spent most of his time recovering from work. Over time, their relationship grew more distant as the stress of his job took a toll on their connection.

Burnout among surgeons can lead to emotional exhaustion that affects their ability to be present in their personal relationships.

11. Law Enforcement Officers

Burnout Rate: 30-40%
Example: Daniel, 39, a police officer in Sydney, regularly faces dangerous situations. The stress and trauma of his job caused him to emotionally withdraw from his partner and children. Daniel’s partner felt increasingly isolated as he struggled to communicate after difficult days at work.

Burnout in law enforcement officers often leads to emotional numbing, making it difficult for them to maintain close, supportive relationships with their families.

12. Firefighters

Burnout Rate: 30-40%
Example: Sarah, 35, a firefighter in Brisbane, has been responding to emergencies for over a decade. The physical and emotional toll of the job began to affect her relationship with her partner. Sarah’s partner noticed that after long shifts, she was too emotionally exhausted to engage, and the distance between them grew.

Burnout in firefighters often results in emotional fatigue, causing strain on their personal relationships as they struggle to balance the demands of the job with the needs of their loved ones.

Finding a Burnout-Trained Therapist

Burnout doesn’t just affect the individual—it impacts every aspect of their life, including their relationships, family dynamics, and overall well-being. Recognising the signs of burnout early and seeking help can make a significant difference.

If you have any questions or would like to learn more about burnout therapy, we have a number of burnout-trained therapists who can help – give us a call on 1300 830 552 or send an email enquiry to be matched with a therapist near you.

Everything You Need to Know About Cassandra Syndrome as a Neurodivergent Couple

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Navigating a neurodivergent relationship can bring unique challenges. Whether you or your partner are neurodivergent, you’ve probably already noticed that your relationship requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to work together, more so than a neurotypical relationship.

One significant but often overlooked challenge in neurodiverse relationships is Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder (CADD), also known as Cassandra Syndrome. This condition, which primarily affects partners of individuals on the autism spectrum, can lead to emotional and mental distress if not acknowledged and managed.

In this blog post, we’ll explore CADD, its signs and symptoms, how to address it with your partner, and three practical actions you can implement to help you manage CADD.

What is Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder?

Coined by Maxine Aston, CADD describes a specific type of emotional and psychological distress experienced by partners of individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). 

The name draws from the myth of Cassandra, who was cursed to utter true prophecies that no one believed. Similarly, those with CADD often feel misunderstood and unheard, leading to feelings of isolation and frustration within the relationship.

CADD arises when the neurotypical partner feels that their emotional needs are unmet or misunderstood, leading to a sense of emotional deprivation. This is usually the result of the way individuals with ASD may struggle with recognising and responding to the emotional cues of others despite not having any intention to cause harm or neglect.

Signs and Symptoms of CASSANDRA Affective Deprivation Disorder

CADD can manifest in various ways, affecting your emotional, mental, and physical health. Here’s a quick overview of some of the symptoms and how they might show up across different areas of your health:

Emotional Health

  • Extreme disappointment with the relationship: Feeling disappointed or disillusioned with your partner or relationship dynamics.
  • Confusion: Struggling to understand why your emotional needs are unmet or misunderstood.
  • Anger and guilt: Experiencing frustration towards your partner and guilt for feeling this way.
  • Low self-esteem: Doubting your worth or attractiveness.
  • Loss of self-identity: Feeling lost or unsure about yourself.
  • Loss of faith in oneself: Doubting your perceptions and emotions.

Mental Health

  • Anger and frustration: Frequent feelings of irritation or resentment.
  • Listlessness and depression: A lack of energy or interest in activities, coupled with feelings of sadness.
  • Anxiety: Persistent worry or fear, often about your relationship or personal adequacy.
  • Phobias or social phobias: Developing fears, particularly in social situations.
  • Developing Asperger’s ways: Adopting traits or behaviours of the partner with ASD.

Physical Health

  • Migraines: Frequent, severe headaches.
  • Weight changes: Significant loss or gain in weight.
  • Premenstrual tension: Heightened emotional and physical symptoms before menstruation.
  • Low immune system: Increased susceptibility to illnesses.
Ready to get help with CADD now? Reach out, and let’s get you the support you need.

How to Address CASSANDRA Affective Deprivation Disorder with Your Partner

If you suspect you are experiencing CADD, it’s essential to communicate with your partner constructively. When we already feel like our emotional needs aren’t being met, it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming intent or hyper-focusing on the negatives in our relationships. 

Taking a step back and getting proactive about how you work on and address CADD as a couple can make a significant difference. Remember to see the issue as the thing you need to work on together – it’s not you versus your partner.

Here are some steps to consider:

  1. Educate Your Partner: Share information about CADD and how it affects you. Use resources like articles, books, or therapy sessions to help them understand your perspective. It’s essential to stay open, curious and non-judgemental as you do this. See this approach as a way to learn and share thoughts rather than you ‘teaching’ them.
  2. Express Your Needs Clearly: Be specific about what you need from your partner, whether it’s more emotional support, understanding, or shared activities. Individuals with ASD often respond well to clear communication, so it’s important not to leave them guessing about what would work better for them in the relationship.
  3. Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy, particularly with a therapist experienced in neurodivergent relationships. Therapy can provide a safe space to express feelings and develop strategies to improve communication. Managing CADD can be an exhausting experience, so this extra support can help alleviate some of these challenges and provide you with a good structure to follow as a couple.

3 Practical Actions to Take Today

Something worth reminding ourselves when we’re looking to make any change in our relationships is that these things can take time. It’s important not to expect our partners to be perfect as they take on what you’ve shared and try to show up differently.

While working on things together or with a therapist, you can do other practical things to support your emotional and mental health. Here are three to consider:

  1. Journal Your Thoughts and Feelings: Writing down your emotions can help you process them and prepare for discussions with your partner. Journaling is a great way to reflect on what was said, how it made you feel and identify any triggers. This record can be beneficial for neurodivergent partners who might respond well to specific examples of the things you want to work on together.
  2. Establish Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time each week to discuss your feelings and address concerns. This helps keep communication open and ongoing. Setting discussions up as part of routine ‘relationship care’ can benefit you and your partner as you know you will discuss things. Neurodivergent partners tend to respond well to knowing this time is set aside rather than being caught off guard.
  3. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritise your well-being by engaging in activities that you find relaxing and rejuvenating. This could include exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time with supportive friends and family. We often get caught up in the idea that our partners must meet all our needs, but this isn’t the case. By looking after yourself in other ways, you can identify where your partner adds the most value in your life and prioritise ways to maximise that as a couple.

Remember: You Are Not Alone

CADD can be a challenging aspect of neurodivergent relationships, but it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. 

Many couples navigate similar challenges, and with understanding and effort, it’s possible to strengthen your relationship and find mutual satisfaction. 

You and your partner can work towards a more fulfilling connection by recognising the signs of CADD, communicating openly, and taking practical steps. 

 

Find the right support for you: Speak to one of our specialist therapists today.

 

 

How to Overcome Neurodiverse Differences in Your Relationship

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When you and your partner are experiencing relationship struggles, it often feels like you’re the only ones going through it. Whether it’s constant bickering or something more, it’s always worth pointing out that every relationship experiences ups and downs.

Whatever relationship difficulties you’re facing, there’s a wealth of tools and resources at your disposal. Many couples find it helpful to explore articles and advice online, gaining fresh insights and tips they can apply in their own relationship.

 

But what if these tips don’t work?

Maybe you’ve tried communicating differently, getting vulnerable, or switching up some of those black-and-white statements for ‘I feel’ statements – but it hasn’t exactly gone how you hoped.

This might be because the advice you’ve tried was developed for neurotypical couples. If you or your partner are neurodivergent, the same advice might not quite work in the same ways.

The good news is once you know this, you can start looking for the right advice and relationship counselling that works for you.

Below, we share more on how neurodiversity can impact relationship difficulties and provide some guidance to help you get back on track with your love.

How Can Being Neurodiverse Contribute to Relationship Difficulties?

Neurodiversity introduces a variety of dynamics into a relationship that can enrich and challenge your partnership.

We’re using the term ‘neurodiversity’ here to encompass a broad range of neurological differences that arise as natural cognitive variations. This includes Autism Spectrum Disorder and Asperger’s, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and many others. 

Communication styles, navigating social cues, and expressing emotions can sometimes be more complex for neurodiverse individuals. 

Without acknowledging these differences, you and your partner might become trapped in a cycle of arguing, stonewalling, nagging, nitpicking and even resentment. 

Below are some ways neurodiversity might show up in your relationship and contribute to difficulties. Some of these might sound familiar, and others might not be relevant – we’ve included this to help you understand and hopefully start identifying some of the areas you and your partner can work on in your own unique relationship:

  • Social Interactions: A neurodiverse partner who finds it overwhelming to attend social gatherings while their neurotypical partner thrives in such environments can lead to tension or feelings of isolation for both partners.
  • Communication Styles: A neurodiverse partner may struggle with non-verbal communication cues, such as facial expressions or body language, essential for neurotypical partners to interpret emotions. For instance, during a serious conversation, the neurotypical partner might expect visual cues of empathy or understanding that the neurodiverse partner does not naturally display. This mismatch can lead the neurotypical partner to feel unheard or disconnected, even if the neurodiverse partner genuinely cares but expresses it differently.
  • Routines and Flexibility: Neurodiverse individuals often find comfort and stability in routines. For example, a neurodiverse partner may prefer predictable meal times and specific activities at certain times of the day. In contrast, their neurotypical partner might enjoy spontaneity and flexibility with plans. These differences can cause friction when the neurotypical partner feels constrained by the neurodiverse partner’s need for structure.
  • Conflict Resolution Styles: Neurodiverse and neurotypical partners may approach conflict resolution differently due to their unique communication styles and emotional responses. For instance, during an argument, a neurodiverse partner might need time to process their emotions or thoughts before responding, which can be interpreted by their neurotypical partner as avoidance or indifference. Conversely, the neurodiverse partner might feel overwhelmed or pressured by the neurotypical partner’s need for immediate resolution, which can intensify their emotional response. Differences in conflict resolution styles can lead to misunderstandings and escalation of tensions.

Understanding and openly discussing these dynamics can help both partners navigate these challenges with empathy and patience. It’s about recognising that these differences exist, respecting each other’s needs, and finding creative ways to bridge any gaps in understanding. 

What Should You Do if You or Your Partner is Neurodiverse to Overcome Relationship Difficulties?

Just as there are many positive steps neurotypical couples can take to improve their relationship, the same is true for neurodivergent couples. It’s all about understanding where you’re having the most difficulties and seeking the right support that will aid you and your partner.

Here are a few you can act on:

Open and Honest Communication

As mentioned, communication differences are common in most relationships, but they might be exacerbated if you or your partner are neurodivergent. Patience, empathy and understanding are vital to finding a way towards better communication. For example, you can try:

  • Expressing needs clearly: Take the time to learn how you can express your needs in ways that both partners can respond to positively.
  • Practice active listening: It’s really common to want to jump in and explain or justify ourselves when our partners are sharing their thoughts or feelings. Instead, try to give each other space to talk, listen carefully, and get curious about what is being shared.
  • Schedule time to communicate: Creating planned space in your week to talk about your relationship and feelings can work well for both neurotypical and neurodivergent partners, giving you both a chance to reflect, share, and connect.

Develop Coping Strategies

Neurodivergent individuals and their partners often benefit from developing coping strategies that accommodate their unique needs and differences. Here are some approaches to consider:

  • Creating routines and flexibility that work for you both: Striking a balance between maintaining routines and embracing flexibility can help create stability while allowing for necessary adaptations. This balance supports predictability for neurodivergent individuals while acknowledging the need for occasional changes.
  • Find common ground for conflict resolution: It’s essential to cultivate conflict resolution techniques that respect the diverse communication styles of both partners. Strategies could include taking breaks during heated discussions, using clear and concise language, and actively listening to understand each other’s perspectives.
  • Sharing what emotional support looks like for each of you: This may include identifying specific needs for reassurance, validation, or space during times of emotional intensity. Understanding and respecting each other’s emotional boundaries can foster a supportive environment.

Seek Professional Guidance

Finally, it’s essential to know that you are not alone. There are many specialist support opportunities available to you, whether through couples therapy and relationship counselling, support groups, or individual therapy, to help you better understand yourself and your needs.

Engaging with a therapist specialising in neurodiverse relationships can provide tailored strategies and interventions for you and your partner. If you’re both feeling lost but committed to working things out, this can be a supportive and reassuring way to find solid ground in your relationship and build from there.

Joining support groups specifically for neurodiverse couples can offer valuable insights and encouragement. These groups provide a safe space to share experiences, learn from others facing similar challenges, and explore practical strategies for relationship enhancement.

You and your partner can build a stronger, more resilient relationship by actively working on these areas.

What if You or Your Partner Has Never Been Diagnosed?

Seeking a formal diagnosis for a neurodivergent condition like Autism, Asperger’s or ADHD can be lengthy, complex and expensive.

If you suspect that you or your partner may be neurodiverse but have never received a formal diagnosis, there are several steps you can take to develop your understanding and decide on the next best steps for your relationship:

Educate Yourself

  • Read widely: Don’t just rely on social media content designed to make you like it and ‘see yourself’ in what’s shared. A lot of this information is misleading or false. Seek out reliable, high-quality information to grow your knowledge.
  • Speak to others: Connect and learn from others who have been diagnosed about the process involved and how they knew it was worth exploring. This can help you decide if it’s the right path for you or your partner.

Explore Self-Assessment Tools

  • Online Quizzes: Utilise online self-assessment tools to identify neurodiverse traits – plenty are available, and these can help you determine whether a more professional diagnosis would be beneficial.
  • Reflect on Experiences: Consider past experiences and behaviours that align with neurodiverse characteristics. Use this information to aid your understanding of how neurodiversity might be showing up in your relationship.

Seek Professional Advice

  • Consult Specialists: For relationship counselling and guidance, reach out to professionals who specialise in neurodiversity. While formal diagnosis isn’t necessary for everyone, it can provide clarity and access to resources.

Finding the Right Support

Being neurodivergent isn’t a ‘negative’, and experiencing difficulties because of the differences that might arise between you and your partner as a result of neurodivergent tendencies doesn’t mean your relationship won’t work out.

By extending acceptance and empathy, couples can find common ground, acknowledge strengths, and discover the right support to create a deeper, more loving, connected relationship.

If you’re ready to start exploring specialist support today, reach out to our dedicated team, who can help connect you with a knowledgeable therapist in neurodivergent relationship counselling.

Understanding the Gottman Four Horsemen: How to Improve Your Relationship

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When it comes to relationships, recognising the behaviours that can either strengthen or weaken your bond is incredibly important.

Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist and researcher, identified four negative communication patterns that often predict relationship problems. These are known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and while they might sound dramatic, understanding them can help you make positive changes in your relationship.

1. Criticism

What It Looks Like:

Criticism involves pointing out your partner’s flaws or attacking their character rather than addressing specific actions or behaviours. It often begins with statements like “You always” or “You never,” which can immediately put your partner on the defensive and make them feel attacked or unfairly judged.

Example: “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”

Why It’s Harmful:

Criticism can slowly erode the connection between partners, leading to a breakdown in communication and trust. Over time, it can create a negative cycle where both people feel defensive and emotionally distant, which isn’t healthy for any relationship. Repeated criticism can also lead to feelings of resentment and may even cause one or both partners to withdraw from the relationship.

What You Can Do Instead:

Instead of criticising, try to express your concerns or frustrations without blaming your partner. Use “I” statements to focus on your own feelings and needs, and address specific behaviours rather than making broad generalisations.

Better Approach: “I feel overwhelmed when the house is untidy after a long day. Can we work together to keep it cleaner?”

This approach not only helps to avoid blame but also opens up a space for a constructive conversation about how you can both contribute to a solution.

2. Contempt

What It Looks Like:

Contempt is when you treat your partner with disrespect, often through sarcasm, mocking, or name-calling. This behaviour suggests you view yourself as superior to your partner, which can be incredibly damaging to the relationship. Contempt can also be expressed through body language, such as eye-rolling or sneering, which can further alienate your partner.

Example: “Seriously? You can’t even manage to do this one simple thing? You’re hopeless.”

Why It’s Harmful:

Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. It conveys disgust and a lack of respect, making your partner feel worthless, unvalued, and unloved. Research by Dr. Gottman has shown that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce because it attacks the very foundation of a healthy relationship: mutual respect and love.

What You Can Do Instead:

To combat contempt, it’s important to foster a habit of appreciating and respecting your partner. Make a conscious effort to focus on their positive qualities and express gratitude for the things they do well. Building a culture of appreciation can help shift your mindset away from negativity and toward a more supportive and loving relationship.

Better Approach: “I really appreciate how hard you work and how much you care about our family. Thank you for everything you do.”

By regularly expressing appreciation, you reinforce the positive aspects of your relationship and reduce the likelihood of contempt creeping in.

3. Defensiveness

What It Looks Like:

Defensiveness usually occurs when you feel attacked or criticised. It’s a way of protecting yourself, but it often comes across as making excuses, shifting blame, or counterattacking your partner. While it’s a natural reaction, defensiveness can escalate conflicts and make it difficult to resolve issues effectively.

Example: “It’s not my fault the house is a mess. You’re the one who’s never home.”

Why It’s Harmful:

Defensiveness can prevent constructive communication and escalate conflicts, making it harder to resolve issues and move forward as a couple. When one partner is defensive, it can feel like they are not willing to take responsibility for their actions, which can lead to frustration and further conflict.

What You Can Do Instead:

Instead of getting defensive, try to take responsibility for your part in the situation, even if it’s just a small part. This approach can help de-escalate the conflict and open the door to a more productive and collaborative conversation. Acknowledging your role in a disagreement shows that you are committed to finding a solution together.

Better Approach: “You’re right; I could be better about tidying up. Let’s figure out a plan together.”

Taking responsibility, even in a small way, can help to defuse tension and make it easier for both of you to work towards a resolution.

4. Stonewalling

What It Looks Like:

Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the interaction, either physically or emotionally. It’s often a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotion, but it can come across as disinterest or disengagement. Stonewalling might look like refusing to talk, avoiding eye contact, or leaving the room during an argument.

Example: (Partner says nothing, crosses arms, and avoids eye contact.)

Why It’s Harmful:

When one partner stonewalls, it can make the other feel ignored and frustrated. This creates emotional distance in the relationship and can prevent important issues from being addressed. Over time, stonewalling can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy, making it harder to maintain a healthy relationship.

What You Can Do Instead:

If you feel the urge to shut down or withdraw, it’s important to let your partner know that you need a break to calm down. Taking some time to cool off can help you manage your emotions and approach the conversation with a clearer mind. It’s crucial to communicate that you will return to the discussion after a break, so your partner doesn’t feel abandoned.

Better Approach: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a break. Can we take 20 minutes and then talk again?”

Taking a break can prevent further escalation and allows both partners to regroup before continuing the conversation in a more productive manner.

Finding a Gottman-Trained Therapist

If you recognise any of these behaviours in your relationship, it’s important to address them sooner rather than later. The good news is that with awareness and effort, you can change these patterns and improve your relationship. Working with a Gottman-trained therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts, and build a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

If you have any questions or would like to learn more about Gottman Method therapy, we have a number of Gottman-trained therapists who can help – give us a call on 1300 830 552 or send an email enquiry to be matched with a therapist near you.

EMDR Therapy: How it Works

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When life’s hardships weigh heavily on our minds, finding a way to heal and move forward is crucial.

One modality that has been gaining popularity lately is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.

In this article, we’ll explore EMDR therapy in simple terms, share real-life stories to show how it can help regular people overcome various challenges, delve into its applications, and outline its history and the science behind it.

 

What is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR therapy can be thought of similar to a guide that helps us deal with difficult memories and feelings. Imagine it as a process divided into steps:

1. Talking and Planning: You and your therapist chat about your past and what’s troubling you. Together, you decide which memories to work on.

2. Getting Ready: Your therapist teaches you ways to manage stress and keep calm during therapy.

3. Memory Time: You think about a tough memory while your therapist helps you focus on it. You might follow their hand moving back and forth, or you could listen to sounds that go from one ear to the other.

4. Processing Feelings: This is when the magic happens. You’ll explore your feelings and thoughts linked to that memory. It’s like sorting through a messy closet and organizing everything.

5. New Thoughts: You learn to replace old, negative thoughts with new, positive ones. It’s like switching a dim light for a bright one.

6. Feeling Better: After the session, you should feel more relaxed and lighter, like you’ve put down a heavy backpack.

7. Checking In: You and your therapist keep an eye on your progress and make sure you’re doing better.

Real-Life Stories: How EMDR Can Help

Let’s look at some everyday situations where EMDR therapy has made a real difference:

1. Overcoming a Car Accident Trauma:

  • Samantha’s Story: Samantha had a traumatising car accident that left her feeling anxious every time she sat in a car. EMDR therapy helped her process the frightening memory and regain her confidence on the road.

2. Conquering a Fear of Heights:

  • David’s Story: David had a fear of heights that made him avoid tall buildings and bridges. With EMDR therapy, he faced his fear step by step, letting go of the anxiety that had held him back for years.

3. Finding Hope After a Tough Loss:

  • Emma’s Story: Emma lost her beloved pet, and the grief was overwhelming. EMDR therapy helped her cope with the sadness and remember the happy moments she shared with her furry friend.

4. Easing Social Anxiety:

  • Michael’s Story: Michael always felt anxious in social situations. He tried EMDR therapy to explore why he felt this way and develop new, more positive thoughts. Gradually, he started feeling more at ease in social gatherings.

5. Healing from a Painful Divorce:

  • Lisa’s Story: Going through a divorce was one of the hardest things Lisa had ever faced. EMDR therapy gave her the tools to process the emotional pain, allowing her to move forward and build a new life.

Whether it’s a traumatic memory, a deep fear, or overwhelming sadness, EMDR therapy can be a tool to help regular people like Samantha, David, Emma, Michael, and Lisa find hope, face their fears, and move forward in life.

A Look into EMDR’s Past

When it comes to innovative therapies, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) stands out as a transformative approach that has helped countless individuals. But how did EMDR come into existence, and what is the history behind this therapeutic technique?

The Serendipitous Discovery

EMDR’s journey began in the late 1980s when Dr. Francine Shapiro, a psychologist, took a leisurely stroll in a park. As she walked, she noticed something remarkable. Her distressing thoughts seemed to ease as her eyes moved naturally from side to side while observing her surroundings. Intrigued by this phenomenon, Dr. Shapiro, with her background in psychology started to investigate further.

The Birth of EMDR

Dr. Francine Shapiro’s observations in the park led to the development of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. In 1987, she introduced this novel therapeutic approach to the world by publishing an article in the Journal of Traumatic Stress. This article marked the inception of EMDR as a legitimate psychotherapeutic method.

The Eight-Phase Protocol

One of the defining features of EMDR is its structured eight-phase protocol. Dr. Shapiro outlined these phases to guide therapists and clients through the EMDR process. These phases are:

  1. History-Taking and Treatment Planning: This initial phase involves gathering information about the client’s history and identifying target issues to address in therapy.
  2. Preparation: Clients learn techniques to manage distress and anxiety while building trust with their therapist.
  3. Assessment: The therapist helps clients identify specific memories to target in EMDR sessions.
  4. Desensitization: This is the heart of EMDR therapy. Clients focus on a distressing memory while engaging in bilateral stimulation, such as following the therapist’s finger movements. This helps desensitize the memory’s emotional charge.
  5. Installation: Positive beliefs and emotions are installed to replace negative ones associated with the targeted memory.
  6. Body Scan: Clients learn to notice and alleviate any remaining physical tension or discomfort associated with the memory.
  7. Closure: The therapist ensures clients are emotionally stable before ending the session.
  8. Reevaluation: Clients and therapists assess progress and determine if additional sessions are needed.

EMDR’s Acceptance and Evolution

EMDR therapy was initially met with skepticism from some in the psychological community. However, over the years, a growing body of research and numerous success stories from clients and therapists alike have demonstrated its effectiveness. EMDR has gained recognition and acceptance as a valuable tool in the treatment of trauma and related disorders.

Applications Beyond Trauma

While EMDR’s origins lie in trauma therapy, its applications have expanded to address a wide range of psychological and emotional issues. Today, EMDR is used to treat not only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but also anxiety disorders, phobias, depression, grief, and even performance-related challenges.

The Science Behind EMDR Therapy

Understanding the science behind EMDR therapy can shed light on why it works so well.

When we experience a traumatic event, the memory of that event gets stored differently in our brain, often leading to overwhelming emotions when we recall it. EMDR therapy helps rewire these memories and emotions.

1. Bilateral Stimulation: The back-and-forth eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation used in EMDR therapy mimic what happens during our natural Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep phase. During REM sleep, our brain processes and stores information. EMDR therapy essentially taps into this natural process, allowing us to process traumatic memories more effectively.

2. Memory Reconsolidation: EMDR therapy also taps into a process called memory reconsolidation. When you recall a memory during therapy, your brain becomes more flexible, allowing you to update and reorganize the memory with new, healthier thoughts and emotions. This is why EMDR therapy can help you replace negative beliefs with positive ones.

3. The Mind-Body Connection: EMDR therapy acknowledges the connection between our mind and body. Trauma often gets stored in our bodies as well as our minds, leading to physical symptoms like tension or pain. By addressing both the mental and physical aspects of trauma, EMDR therapy offers a more comprehensive healing approach.

EMDR therapy might sound complex, but it’s essentially designed to work as a companion guiding you through the shadows of challenging experiences towards a brighter future.

 

How to find an EMDR Therapist?

If you’re interested in trying EMDR therapy, it’s important to find a therapist who is specifically trained in EMDR methods.

We have Hart therapists who are trained and provide EMDR, so we’re happy to assist you finding one. Call us on 1300 830 552 or enquire here.

relationship counselling lesbian couple

Is Your Partner The Right One? The 48 Questions You Need To Ask…

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We have developed this free, do-it-yourself couples’ questionnaire, specifically designed for couples wanting to future-proof their relationship, and determine their true compatibility. Backed by 20+ years of couples’ Psychology.

At The Hart Centre, our mission is to help people find their way back to love. And, with over 20,000 (and counting) couples’ we’ve helped, we like to think we know a thing or two about what determines a couples’ ability to go the distance.

Relationships have evolved in many wonderful ways, and marriage isn’t the only way to commit to one another anymore.

Many people decide to have children together but never get married, or, to buy a house first, or pack up and move to another country together.

All of these (and many more) acts of commitment are important, and should be valued.

If you’re looking to future proof your relationship and give it the best chance possible, we’ve adapted and consolidated the questionnaire previously named our ‘Pre-Marriage Program’, to now be available to everyone, free, for whichever type of commitment you may be facing.

Click here for the printable PDF version.

Maybe you’re considering…

  • Having children together
  • Moving in together
  • Moving away together
  • Getting married
  • Creating a blended family
  • Buying a house together
  • Just wanting peace of mind

 

How it works:

  1. Both yourself and your partner reads the questions, or consider printing out twice, so each person has a copy to fill in.
  2. Take some quiet time on your own to reflect on each of these aspects of your current expectations, assumptions, and future hopes and plans for you and your relationship.
  3. Once both people have completed their copy, set aside 1 hour to discuss your answers together.
  4. By the end of this conversation, you will have much more insight into your potential future together.

The Questionnaire:

Living Arrangements:

Who will do each of the household duties, and how will these be split between us?

Do we have similar expectations about tidiness and messiness?

 

Finances:

What of our assets and income will be considered joint and what will be mine? And, how will each of us access these?

What debt or other financial commitments am I bringing into this relationship? Will these be shared or my sole responsibility?

 

Children:

How many children, if any, would I like to have? And, is there a specific timeline I’m committed to?

What is my style of parenting? (Authoritarian (you’ll do as I say), Democratic (let’s consider all views and be fair and reasonable) or Easy Going?

What gender roles do I want when it comes to who looks after the children, and to what extent is this a shared responsibility? (Is one person staying home with them, while one provides financially, are both providing equally?)

Do I want our children to be vaccinated?

 

Careers:

What are my future plans for my job or career, and from a scale of 1 – 10, how important are those to me?

 

Extended Family:

How much contact do I want with both my family and my partners?

Do I have any problems with either of our extended families at the moment?

Do I have any concerns or hesitations with either of our extended families?

 

The Future:

What type of home do I want?

What are my preferred locations, and how open to moving in future am I?

What future plans do I have and how important are they in my life?

How willing am I to consider both my and my partner’s viewpoints and desires equally?

 

Values:

Do I have strong views about manners, swearing, honesty or other values I hold as important?

Do we have any major political, social or religious views that differ from each other?

 

Being Together:

Are there any personality differences that bother me about my partner?

How important is spending quality time with my partner to me? And, what does that look like for me?

Which way is most natural for me to show my love for my partner?

      • Physical Touch
      • Acts of Service (doing things for them, determining their needs)
      • Words of Affirmation (telling them how much you love them)
      • Buying Gifts
      • Spending Quality Time Together

In what way do I prefer it be shown the most?

Sex:

Am I sexually attracted to my partner? And do I feel they’re attracted to me?

What is our agreed level of monogamy, and how committed to that am I?

Have I told my partner what I like and don’t like sexually?

Am I happy with how often we make love or have sex?

Who initiates sex? Am I happy about that or would I like it some other way?

What is the best way for my partner to seduce me / indicate they’d like to have sex?

Trust:

Do I truly trust my partner to tell him /her anything?

 

Awareness and Growth:

How willing am I to look at, and improve upon my own behaviour patterns?

How willing is my partner to look at and improve upon their behaviour patterns?

What was my contribution to my last relationship ending?

 

Communication:

Do I feel that my partner is completely honest with me?

Do I feel confident that we both can resolve and difficulty? How would we do that?

Do we both seek to understand where the other person is coming from?

When I am upset or struggling, how do I like my partner to show their support? (Giving me time alone, comforting me, helping me find solutions, etc.)

How do we bring up a disagreement? And, is there a better way they can bring up an issue with me?

What are especially difficult subjects for me, that I need my partner to be careful about?

Have I discussed any previous traumas with my partner? Am I comfortable doing so?

What are my personal boundaries that I need respected by my partner?

If I feel things are heading off track in our relationship, what are some ways I prefer we try to fix things?

 

Towards Commitment:

What type of commitment am I ultimately looking for from my partner? And do I have a timeline for this?

What are the things I love about my partner and what we have together?

What are the things I would like to see changed or improved?

Of these things, what do I need to see changed for me to fully commit to our relationship wholeheartedly?

Why is this relationship more special to me than any relationship prior?

 

Most Importantly:

What are my non-negotiables in the relationship? (E.g., I must have my office space to myself; I must be able to eat healthy foods)

How do I know I love him/her?

 

Best of luck with the above questions! Click here for the printable PDF version.

If you have any issues arise that you’d like help working through, you’re welcome to call us on 1300 830 552.

coercive control abuse

Unmasking Coercive Control in Relationships: Recognising the Warning Signs

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In a perfect world, we would all be in healthy relationships, built on trust, respect, and mutual support.

However, unfortunately, not all relationships meet these criteria.

In some cases, people may find themselves trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse, known as coercive control. Coercive control is a subtle form of domestic abuse that doesn’t rely on physical violence but instead centres on manipulating and dominating a partner psychologically.

In this article, we will explore what coercive control in a relationship entails and delve into the warning signs that can help identify this subtle but dangerous form of abuse. We’ll also discuss strategies for breaking free from coercive control.

 

Defining Coercive Control

Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviour that seeks to dominate, isolate, or intimidate a partner within an intimate relationship. It is characterised by a range of abusive tactics, all aimed at maintaining power and control over the victim. The most common tactics include:

 

  1. Isolation: Perpetrators of coercive control often attempt to isolate their victims from friends and family. They may employ tactics such as restricting access to social events, demanding constant attention, or accusing the victim’s loved ones of being detrimental to the relationship.

 

  1. Micro-management: Controlling every aspect of the victim’s life, from their daily routine to their finances, is a hallmark of coercive control. This control can extend to even the most personal decisions, leaving the victim feeling powerless.

 

  1. Emotional Abuse: Constant criticism, belittling, and humiliation are tools used to chip away at the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel dependent on the perpetrator for validation.

 

  1. Monitoring: Coercive controllers often invade the victim’s privacy, demanding access to their phone, email, or social media accounts. This invasion of personal space can leave the victim feeling constantly monitored and anxious.

 

  1. Threats and Intimidation: Perpetrators may use threats, both overt and subtle, to ensure compliance. These threats can range from physical harm to threats of abandonment, creating a climate of fear and uncertainty.

 

  1. Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the abuser seeks to make the victim doubt their own reality, memory, or perceptions. It can be especially insidious, as it leaves the victim questioning their sanity.

 

  1. Financial Control: Some perpetrators maintain control by managing the victim’s finances or restricting their access to money, leaving the victim financially dependent.

 

Warning Signs of Coercive Control

Recognising coercive control can be challenging, as it often unfolds gradually. Here are some warning signs that might indicate you or someone you know is in a coercive control relationship:

 

  1. Excessive Isolation: If an individual becomes increasingly isolated from friends and family and seems to be losing their support network, it can be a red flag. The abuser may make derogatory comments about the victim’s loved ones, discourage contact with them, or create conflicts to isolate the victim further.

 

  1. Constant Surveillance: If someone’s partner is continually monitoring their whereabouts, online activities, and communication, it may signify an unhealthy level of control. This surveillance can include demanding to know the victim’s exact location, checking their phone and online messages, or tracking their social media activity.

 

  1. Emotional Manipulation: Frequent belittling, criticism, and attempts to erode the victim’s self-esteem may be an indication of coercive control. The victim may feel that they can never do anything right, constantly walking on eggshells to avoid their partner’s disapproval.

 

  1. Financial Dependence: When one partner controls all financial aspects of the relationship, it can be a form of coercion. This includes withholding access to money, forcing the victim to quit their job, or controlling all financial decisions. The victim may find themselves without resources to leave the relationship.

 

  1. Fear and Anxiety: If the victim lives in constant fear, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their partner’s anger, it suggests an abusive dynamic. This anxiety can lead to physical and mental health problems and hinder the victim’s ability to make decisions independently.

 

  1. Inconsistent Behaviour: Perpetrators of coercive control often exhibit inconsistent behaviour, alternating between extreme kindness and cruelty, leaving the victim confused and disoriented. They may apologize and promise to change, only to revert to controlling and abusive behaviour shortly after.

 

  1. Blame Shifting: Coercive controllers often shift blame for their actions onto the victim, making them feel responsible for the abuser’s behaviour. The victim may find themselves apologizing for things that are not their fault, further eroding their self-esteem.

 

  1. Gaslighting: Recognising gaslighting can be difficult, but if someone consistently denies events or manipulates the victim’s perception of reality, it’s a clear sign of coercive control. Gaslighting is a tactic used to make the victim doubt their own memories and experiences, leading them to question their sanity.

 

  1. Alienation from Support Systems: Victims may find themselves estranged from family and friends as a result of their partner’s actions. This can include derogatory comments about loved ones or discouraging contact with them. The abuser may insist that the victim’s family and friends are a negative influence and that they are better off without them.

 

  1. Loss of Independence: Victims may have little control over their own lives, including decisions related to their appearance, career, or hobbies. The abuser may dictate the victim’s clothing choices, prevent them from pursuing their interests, or make all major decisions without their input.

 

Breaking Free from Coercive Control

If you recognise these signs in your own relationship or in someone you care about, it’s crucial to seek help and support. Breaking free from coercive control is a difficult and often dangerous process, but it is possible with the right strategies and support. Here are some steps to consider:

 

  1. Reach Out: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your situation. Support is crucial in breaking free from coercive control. Sharing your experiences with someone you trust can provide emotional validation and help you understand that you are not alone.

 

  1. Safety Planning: Develop a safety plan in case you need to leave the relationship quickly. This plan should include a safe place to go, financial resources, and important documents. A well-thought-out plan can help ensure your safety when you decide to leave.

 

  1. Legal Assistance: Consult with a legal expert to understand your rights and options. Depending on your situation, legal avenues such as restraining orders, child custody arrangements, and divorce may be necessary. A lawyer experienced in domestic abuse cases can guide you through the legal process.

 

  1. Therapy and Counselling: Seek therapy or counselling to address the emotional scars left by coercive control and rebuild self-esteem and independence. Therapists and counsellors who specialize in trauma and abuse can provide valuable support in healing and recovery. Our friendly receptionists are always happy to help victims find the right therapist to support them. You are welcome to contact us on 1300 830 552 or put in a confidential email enquiry here.

 

  1. Support Groups: Consider joining a support group for survivors of domestic abuse. Sharing experiences with others who have been through similar situations can be empowering. Support groups create a sense of community and understanding, allowing survivors to learn from each other’s experiences and strategies for healing. A few Australian support groups are Full Stop, Mission Australia and Reach Out.

 

  1. Contact Hotlines: The Australian hotline 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is available 24 hours a day, 7 days per week. This hotline is staffed by professionals who can provide guidance and support.

 

 

Case Study: Sarah and John – A Relationship Marred by Coercive Control

Sarah and John, a couple in their late 30s, have been together for ten years. They initially met at a social event and fell deeply in love, eventually deciding to move in together and build a life as a committed couple. Over time, their relationship began to take a darker turn as coercive control behaviours started to emerge.

Isolation and Surveillance:

John began to exert control over Sarah’s social life, limiting her contact with friends and family. He insisted on knowing her whereabouts at all times and would question her whenever she went out without him. Sarah’s friendships slowly withered, as she felt guilty for leaving John alone. She stopped attending family gatherings, and her friends noticed that she was increasingly isolated.

Emotional Abuse:

John’s controlling behaviours extended to emotional abuse. He would constantly criticize Sarah, making derogatory comments about her appearance, her choices, and her abilities. He told her that she was lucky to have him and that no one else would love her as much. Sarah’s self-esteem plummeted, and she began to doubt her worth.

Financial Control:

John took control of their finances, managing all of their accounts and making financial decisions without consulting Sarah. He also restricted her access to money, giving her an allowance for personal expenses. Sarah had no financial independence and had to ask for money even for basic necessities.

Manipulation and Gaslighting:

Whenever Sarah confronted John about his behaviour or expressed her unhappiness, he would deny or distort the truth. He made her feel like she was exaggerating or imagining things, making her doubt her own perception of reality. This gaslighting left Sarah feeling confused and isolated.

Threats and Intimidation:

John often used veiled threats to keep Sarah in line. He would say things like, “You’ll be all alone if you ever leave me,” or “No one else would put up with you.” These threats created a climate of fear and uncertainty, making Sarah afraid to express her needs and concerns.

Alienation from Support Systems:

Over time, John managed to create a rift between Sarah and her friends and family. He would make derogatory comments about her loved ones, often accusing them of trying to break them up. Sarah began to believe that maintaining these relationships was detrimental to her relationship with John.

Monitoring and Controlling Daily Activities:

John extended his control to every aspect of Sarah’s life, from her daily schedule to her clothing choices. He dictated when she should wake up, what she should eat, and how she should spend her time. Sarah felt like she had no autonomy and was constantly walking on eggshells.

Sexual Coercion:

John also exerted control over their sexual activities. He often pressured Sarah into having sex when she didn’t want to, using emotional manipulation to get his way. He withheld affection as a form of punishment, making Sarah feel obligated to comply with his desires.

Isolating the Victim from Professional or Educational Pursuits:

John sabotaged Sarah’s career aspirations. He discouraged her from pursuing a promotion at work, citing the additional time it would require away from him. He also accused her of neglecting their relationship if she considered going back to school to further her education.

Intervention and Recovery:

Recognising the signs of coercive control, Sarah eventually reached out to a local domestic abuse support group for guidance. She received counselling to rebuild her self-esteem and regain her independence. With the support of her family, friends, and professionals, Sarah found the courage to leave the relationship and file for a restraining order against John.

This case study illustrates how coercive control can develop gradually in a seemingly loving relationship, leading to isolation, emotional abuse, and manipulation. It also highlights the importance of recognising the signs and seeking help to break free from such an abusive dynamic. Sarah’s journey toward recovery serves as an example of hope and empowerment for those who have experienced coercive control.

 

Conclusion

Coercive control is a form of abuse that thrives on manipulation, isolation, and emotional abuse.

It can be challenging to recognise, but understanding the warning signs is the first step toward breaking free from this toxic dynamic.

If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control in a relationship, don’t hesitate to seek help and support.

Remember; you are deserving of a healthy relationship. You are not alone, and there are resources available to help you regain your autonomy and self-worth.

anger

Forget relationship counselling: We are just too different

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“We are just too different for our relationship to work, and so relationship counselling is a waste of time”.  I had a new client say this to me this week, and it is a common thing for people to think.

But nothing could be further from the truth, so I thought I’d fill you in on what I have found from  relationship counselling with thousands of couples in trouble.

Have you ever thought what it would be like if your partner was exactly like you in every way? To start with, it would be physically impossible, but even it it was possible, would you really want it? Someone who was a clone of you except for the sexual anatomy?

Boring boring boring!

It is differences that make life interesting, it’s differences that give you advantages, it’s differences that give you other perspectives, it’s differences that balance you out.

It is often the differences that attract you to your partner when you first meet. For example you loved her fun loving nature because you are very serious; you were attracted to his neat organised structured way, as you were disorganised and forgetful.

Every couple has areas that they are different. There is no inherent problem with being different from your partner. The problem is only with how you handle the differences. 

For every couple, there will be differences that are so great that you feel you are polar opposites, each sitting on the outside edge of the continuum when compared with each other. For example: very responsible versus playful and fun loving, or very social versus a homebody.

The key factor in whether you see this as a huge problem or a huge gift, is whether you judge your partner or not. Do you sit at the end of your continuum looking over at your partner saying, or thinking “He’s such a jerk or an annoyance. Why doesn’t he do things like I do?”

Well, if so, you are wasting a huge amount of energy, not to mention a huge opportunity to see the gift your partner is giving to you.

If one of you is reliable and responsible and the other is fun loving, each of you is a gift to each other. Becoming more spontaneous and fun loving is just what the overly responsible one needs, and similarly, picking up more responsibility is just what the fun loving one needs too.

If  you can handle it as a gift both to each other and the relationship, you can enrich your relationship with your differences. The only thing stopping you is your sense of superiority and judgement which is the thing that will be killing your relationship, not the differences.

If you’re interested in further exploring relationship counselling, we’d love to hear from you.

More next time

Regards

Julie