Most men have trouble with empathy while most women find it hard to stand up for themselves in their relationship. I have had many female clients express how sick they are of their men controlling them, or they have lost themselves in their relationships over time. And there is a biological reason for why this happens.
The female brain is built primarily for connection and social harmony. In a women’s brain, the communication and emotional memory centers are larger than in men’s, and additionally women have huge supplies of the hormones Oestrogen and Oxytocin.
Oestrogen creates an intense focus on communication and emotions, and Oxytocin, which is released when during intimate times (with a partner or a baby or child) leads to strong desires to nurture, help, serve, attach and bond, and additionally, triggers the trust circuits, by shutting down the critical and skeptical mind.
As well as this, the psychological stress of conflict registers far more deeply in female brains than in men’s.
So, maintaining the social approval of others, and the relationship at all costs is the goal, if you are a woman. Women are built to build social bonds based on communication and compromise, and to preserve harmonious relationships.
This all leads to women having outstanding verbal ability, a great ability to connect deeply in friendship and develop empathy, an almost psychic capacity to read faces and tone of voice for emotions and states of minds, a response to distress in others, and a wonderful ability to defuse conflict.
What does this mean?
Women are built to highly value communication, connection, emotional sensitivity and consideration for others. All of these qualities are worthwhile, however women need to be careful not to overdo these and lose themselves in their relationships.
Men, on the other hand, with the flow of testosterone in their system, and more development in the Sexual and Aggressions centres of the brain, are built to be potent and affect the world as an individual.
This has a profound effect on our relationships with each other.
It means that men can learn from women how to be more empathic and communicative and connective, as mentioned earlier; and equally, women can learn from men how to pay attention to their own needs and be more assertive in standing up for themselves, particularly in their relationships with their man.
Tips to be assertive as a woman.
As mentioned, assertive means having the confidence to stand up for yourself while still respecting the opinions of others. In relationships, assertiveness is needed so partners can openly talk about their needs.
Assertiveness is built on the foundation of respect both for yourself and your partner. Here’s how you can be assertive in your relationship as a woman.
1. Know your worth.
You can assert your needs and wants with your partner if you know your worth and what you bring to the table. You are worthy of respect and love. Knowing this, you can freely express yourself when something is not comfortable for you and you can set boundaries as an act of self-love.
2. Practice assertive communication.
Expressing your opinion without being confrontational improves your assertiveness. Use “I” statements to help you pinpoint issues and share your feelings.
When you are experiencing challenges in the relationship, point out the issue, the behaviour that caused it and how you felt.
Assertiveness is not about being unwilling to make compromises, it means you want to communicate your feelings, enforce your boundaries and reduce conflict. The goal is to make sure you’re heard, while also listening to the needs of your partner so both of you can arrive at decisions that consider each other’s needs.
If you are a woman and don’t know how to go about developing this essential side of you, some individual counselling will help.
If you would like help in working through this process, please click here. We have 70 Psychologists Australia wide who can help you with this process. There is one near you.
Julie Hart 
Melinda Hart Penten 
