Shouldering The Mental Load: Why It Matters and How to Share It

In the complex dance of modern relationships, one partner often carries an invisible weight that goes unnoticed until it becomes unbearable.

This weight isn’t physical—it’s mental, emotional, and utterly exhausting. Welcome to the world of “the mental load,” a phenomenon that silently shapes relationship dynamics and disproportionately affects women.

For many couples juggling careers, children, and household responsibilities, understanding and addressing the mental load has become essential for relationship health and personal wellbeing.

This comprehensive guide explores what the mental load really is, why it matters, and practical strategies for sharing it fairly.

 

What Is the Mental Load? Understanding the Invisible Labour

The mental load refers to the constant, invisible cognitive labour involved in managing a household and family life. It’s not just about doing chores—it’s about the ongoing mental energy spent remembering, planning, anticipating, and coordinating all aspects of domestic life.

Research in couples psychology shows that the mental load encompasses all the behind-the-scenes thinking that makes a household run smoothly. It’s the constant awareness of what needs to be done, who needs what, and when everything needs to happen—essentially functioning as the project manager of family life.

This invisible work includes:

• Remembering important dates (birthdays, school events, medical appointments)
• Anticipating household needs (noticing when supplies are running low)
• Planning meals and considering everyone’s preferences and dietary needs
• Monitoring children’s developmental milestones and emotional wellbeing
• Coordinating social calendars and family commitments
• Researching childcare options, schools, or activities for children
• Managing household finances and budgets

Unlike physical chores which have a clear beginning and end, the mental load is constant and ongoing—a perpetual background process running in one person’s mind.

 

The Air Traffic Controller: An Analogy

Imagine your household as a busy airport. Physical chores are like the planes taking off and landing—visible, tangible, and with clear completion points. The mental load is what the air traffic controller does: constantly monitoring all aircraft, anticipating potential conflicts, planning for weather changes, ensuring safety protocols are followed, and coordinating hundreds of details simultaneously.

Now imagine that in most households, one partner is both helping to fly planes AND working as the air traffic controller, while the other partner simply follows flight instructions when asked. This creates a fundamental imbalance.

When one partner asks the other, “What can I do to help?” they’re inadvertently reinforcing this dynamic. They’re positioning themselves as a helpful pilot waiting for instructions, rather than taking on a share of the air traffic control responsibilities.

James Thompson, a 42-year-old father from Melbourne, admits: “I used to think I was being helpful by asking my wife what needed doing. It took me years to realise that by asking her what needed doing, I was actually adding to her mental workload, forcing her to stop, think, and delegate—when what she really needed was for me to notice things myself and take initiative.”

 

The Gendered Nature of the Mental Load

While not exclusively a gendered issue, research consistently shows that women shoulder a disproportionate share of the mental load, even in otherwise egalitarian relationships. A 2022 survey by the Australian Institute of Family Studies found that Australian women spend an average of 21 hours per week on unpaid household management activities, compared to just 8 hours for men.

This imbalance persists even when both partners work full-time, with women in dual-income households still performing approximately 65% of the mental labour associated with family life.

Research from the University of Queensland indicates that the mental load disparity is one of the most persistent gender inequalities in modern Australian households. Even as we’ve seen progress in many areas of gender equality, this invisible work remains stubbornly unbalanced.

 

A Brief History: From Traditional Roles to Modern Complexity

The concept of the mental load emerged as women’s roles expanded beyond traditional domestic spheres without a corresponding shift in domestic responsibilities.

In post-war Australia of the 1950s and 60s, household management was explicitly considered “women’s work,” with clear gender delineation. As women entered the workforce in greater numbers through the 1970s and 80s, they effectively took on a “second shift”—paid employment followed by unpaid domestic labour.

By the 1990s and 2000s, while men were participating more in physical child-rearing activities and chores, the mental and emotional management of households remained largely with women.

The 2020s have brought new complexities. Remote work arrangements, increasing childcare costs, and the growing complexity of children’s educational and extracurricular schedules have intensified the mental load for many families. The COVID-19 pandemic further exacerbated these pressures, with many families experiencing first-hand how the collapse of childcare and educational support systems dramatically increased the mental load at home.

Today, with 73% of mothers in paid employment and childcare costs among the highest in the developed world according to OECD data, equitably sharing the mental load has become not just a relationship issue but an economic necessity for many families.

 

20 Real-World Examples

The mental load manifests in countless small moments that accumulate over time. Here are twenty examples you may find familiar:

1. The Birthday Manager: Remembering not just family birthdays, but buying appropriate gifts, planning parties, and sending cards to extended family and children’s friends.
2. The Vaccination Tracker: Keeping track of when children need vaccinations, booking appointments, and ensuring medical records are up-to-date.
3. The Lunchbox Planner: Planning school lunches that are nutritious, appealing to children, comply with school allergen policies, and use ingredients already in the house.
4. The Uniform Maintainer: Noticing when school uniforms are getting too small, sports uniforms need washing for tomorrow’s game, or special clothing is required for an upcoming event.
5. The Social Secretary: Maintaining relationships with other families, arranging playdates, responding to birthday invitations, and coordinating family social events.
6. The Holiday Planner: Researching family holidays, booking accommodations, planning activities suitable for all family members, and ensuring everything from pet care to mail collection is arranged while away.
7. The Childcare Coordinator: Managing childcare arrangements, including backup plans for sick days or school holidays, and maintaining relationships with caregivers.
8. The School Communications Manager: Reading and responding to school emails, permission slips, newsletters, and remembering mufti days, book week costumes, and fundraising events.
9. The Gift Economy Manager: Keeping track of who gave what for birthdays/Christmas and ensuring appropriate reciprocation.
10. The Household Inventory Controller: Noticing when toilet paper, cleaning supplies, or children’s essentials are running low before they run out.
11. The Meal Planner: Planning weekly meals that accommodate everyone’s preferences, dietary requirements, and schedules, while minimizing food waste and managing the budget.
12. The Emotional Temperature Checker: Monitoring family members’ emotional wellbeing, noticing when someone needs extra support, and facilitating communication during conflicts.
13. The Calendar Coordinator: Juggling multiple work schedules, school events, medical appointments, and social commitments to avoid conflicts.
14. The Homework Helper: Keeping track of assignment due dates, helping with projects, and communicating with teachers about progress or concerns.
15. The Clothing Manager: Noticing when children have outgrown clothes, what seasonal items are needed, and ensuring appropriate clothes are clean and available for specific activities or weather conditions.
16. The Pet Care Overseer: Remembering vet appointments, medication schedules, food supplies, and exercise needs for family pets.
17. The Home Maintenance Scheduler: Tracking when services like lawn mowing, cleaning, or repairs are needed and coordinating with service providers.
18. The Financial Administrator: Managing household bills, budget planning, and foreseeing upcoming expenses from school excursions to car registration.
19. The Extended Family Diplomat: Maintaining relationships with both sides of the family, organising visits, remembering important events, and managing family dynamics during gatherings.
20. The Child Development Researcher: Researching normal developmental milestones, educational approaches, or behavioural strategies when concerns arise about children.

 

Beyond “Mental Load”: Other Names for the Phenomenon

The concept of the mental load goes by several other names, each highlighting different aspects of this invisible work:

• Emotional Labour: The work of managing not just tasks but family members’ feelings and interpersonal dynamics, a term popularized by sociologist Arlie Hochschild.
• Invisible Work: Emphasising how this labour goes unseen and unacknowledged, as explored in this ABC article.
• Cognitive Labour: Focusing on the mental planning and organising aspects.
• The Second Shift: Highlighting how this work comes after paid employment, a concept developed by Hochschild and Anne Machung.
• Management Overhead: Borrowing from business terminology to describe the coordination and planning aspects.
• Domestic Project Management: Recognising the similarity to professional project management roles, as discussed in The Hart Centre’s relationship resources.
• Mental Bandwidth Taxation: Describing how it constantly occupies mental space and energy.

 

Case Study: A Brisbane Family’s Experience

A professional couple in their late 30s with two children aged 8 and 5 sought relationship counselling when the wife found herself experiencing symptoms of burnout.

The wife, a part-time legal consultant, described feeling constantly exhausted despite reducing her paid work hours. “I thought working four days a week would give me breathing room, but I found myself using that fifth day to catch up on all the household management that had built up.”

Her husband, a financial analyst, was confused by her exhaustion. “I didn’t understand what was happening. I do chores—I cook dinner twice a week, handle bath time, and take the kids to sport on weekends. I thought we were sharing the load.”

Through counselling, the husband came to recognise that while he was contributing to household tasks, his wife was still carrying almost all of the mental load:

• She maintained the family calendar and told him where he needed to be and when
• She noticed when children needed new clothes, school supplies, or haircuts
• She researched appropriate activities, schools, and healthcare options for the children
• She maintained relationships with teachers, other parents, and extended family
• She planned all holidays, family events, and children’s birthday parties
• She managed all household supplies, meal planning, and budgeting

Their counsellor helped them implement a system where the husband took complete ownership of specific domains rather than just helping with isolated tasks. He took full responsibility for school communication, children’s clothing management, and social relationship maintenance with his side of the family and several of the children’s friends’ families.

Six months later, the wife reported significant improvements in her mental health and energy levels, while the husband described feeling more connected to his children’s daily lives. “I never realised how much I was missing by being in the passenger seat of our family life,” he reflected.

 

Sharing the Load: 25 Practical Strategies for Couples

Creating a more balanced approach to the mental load requires deliberate effort from both parties. Here are some strategies couples can implement:

1. Systems and Tools

1. Create a shared digital calendar that both partners maintain and check regularly, with colour coding for different family members.
2. Implement a dedicated family management app like Trello, Asana, or Cozi where tasks, shopping lists, and responsibilities are visible to both partners.
3. Hold weekly family meetings to discuss upcoming events, needs, and distribute planning responsibilities.
4. Set up automatic reminders for recurring tasks like car registration, dental check-ups, or school fee payments that notify both partners.
5. Use shared shopping lists that both partners contribute to when they notice items running low.

2. Relationship Approaches

6. Divide by domains rather than tasks – Instead of splitting individual chores, assign complete responsibility areas (e.g., one partner manages everything related to school, the other manages everything related to extracurricular activities).
7. Implement a “you noticed it, you own it” rule – If you’re the one who notices the bathroom needs cleaning or the children need new shoes, you take responsibility for handling it rather than delegating.
8. Practice regular role reversals – Periodically swap all household management responsibilities for a month to develop empathy and skills in all areas.
9. Conduct a “mental load audit” – List every household management task performed over two weeks, then redistribute them more equitably.
10. Schedule regular check-ins specifically about the mental load distribution, apart from other relationship discussions.

3. Personal Development Strategies

11. Challenge gendered assumptions – Question whether certain responsibilities have defaulted to one partner based on gender stereotypes rather than preference or ability.
12. Develop individual expertise – Each partner should develop deep knowledge in specific areas (e.g., children’s developmental stages, household finance management, home maintenance needs).
13. Practice noticing – The partner with less awareness should deliberately practice noticing household needs without being prompted.
14. Build direct relationships – Both partners should develop independent relationships with children’s teachers, healthcare providers, and other significant people rather than having one partner mediate these connections.
15. Learn to tolerate imperfection – Often the mental load-bearing partner maintains impossibly high standards; learning to accept different approaches is essential.

4. Practical Household Approaches

16. Create household operating manuals – Document important information about household systems, children’s needs, and regular procedures so both partners can access this knowledge.
17. Simplify where possible – Evaluate which household standards or activities are creating unnecessary mental load and consider eliminating or outsourcing them.
18. Distribute daily monitoring tasks – Take turns being the person who checks the family calendar each morning and reviews what’s needed for the day.
19. Alternate “on call” days for unexpected situations like sick children or school emergencies.
20. Make invisible work visible – Use visual tools like wall calendars, chore boards, or shared digital workspaces to make planning work tangible.

5. Involving Children and Support Networks

21. Age-appropriate responsibility transfer to children – Teaching children to remember their own equipment, manage simple aspects of their schedule, and notice household needs.
22. Engage extended family equitably – Both partners should coordinate with their own families for visits, gifts, and special occasions.
23. Build community support systems with other local families for sharing school pickups, childcare during emergencies, or carpooling.
24. Consider professional support when affordable – Housecleaning, meal delivery services, or occasional childcare can reduce the overall load.
25. Use technology mindfully – Set up automated systems for bill payments, subscription management, and other regular tasks.

 

 

Mental Load Burnout: Warning Signs to Watch For

When the mental load becomes overwhelming, burnout can develop. Unlike general stress, mental load burnout has specific characteristics. Look out for these warning signs:

In Yourself:

• Resentment when your partner relaxes while your mind is still racing with to-do lists
• Difficulty enjoying family time because you’re mentally planning the next task
• Feeling that explaining what needs to be done would take longer than doing it yourself
• Decision fatigue that leaves you unable to choose even small things like what to watch on TV
• Fantasies about running away or being hospitalised (not for the illness but for the break)
• Crying over seemingly small domestic issues like finding an empty milk carton in the fridge
• Feeling invisible despite constant activity and contribution
• Declining invitations or personal activities because the coordination required feels overwhelming

In Your Partner:

• Increasing irritability about household matters that seem disproportionate
• Withdrawing from family activities while still managing household logistics
• Making seemingly irrational demands for appreciation of invisible work
• Expressing that they “just can’t think about one more thing”
• Sleep disturbances despite physical exhaustion
• Loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed
• Frequent statements about feeling alone in running the household
• Expressions of identity loss or statements like “I’m just a household manager now”

 

Moving Forward: Creating Lasting Change

Addressing the mental load imbalance requires more than a temporary redistribution of tasks—it requires sustained attention and cultural shift within the relationship. Here are key principles for creating lasting change:

For Partners Carrying Less of the Load: A Direct Guide to Stepping Up

If your partner has expressed frustration about carrying too much of the mental load, this section is specifically for you. It can be difficult to hear that you’re not doing enough, especially if you feel you contribute in other ways. However, addressing this imbalance is crucial for your relationship’s health and your partner’s wellbeing.

Here’s how to meaningfully step up:

1. Start by listening without defensiveness. When your partner expresses frustration, resist the urge to list all the things you do help with. Instead, try to understand the invisible work they’re describing.
2. Conduct your own household audit. Before asking your partner what you can do, spend a week actively noticing what keeps your household running. Who remembers the children need new shoes? Who knows when the car registration is due? Who plans meals and tracks household supplies?
3. Take full ownership of specific domains. Rather than offering to “help” with individual tasks, take complete responsibility for entire areas of family life. This might include:
   • School communications and events
   • Children’s clothing needs and shopping
   • Meal planning and grocery management
   • Family social calendar and gift-giving
   • Home maintenance scheduling
4. Use technology independently. Set up your own reminder systems for recurring responsibilities rather than relying on your partner to prompt you.
5. Build direct relationships with important people in your family’s life. Introduce yourself to teachers, healthcare providers, and other parents. Don’t rely on your partner to be the intermediary.
6. Anticipate needs rather than waiting to be asked. Train yourself to notice when things need attention before they become urgent—the nearly-empty toilet paper roll, the permission slip that needs signing, the birthday party coming up this weekend.
7. Accept imperfection as part of learning. You will make mistakes as you take on new responsibilities. This is normal and necessary for growth.
8. Check in regularly about how it’s going. Ask specific questions like “Am I taking enough initiative with the children’s school matters?” rather than general ones like “Am I doing better?”
9. Make the mental workload visible by documenting it. Create shared checklists or calendars that make planning work tangible.
10. Recognize this is a marathon, not a sprint. Consistent effort over time matters more than a short burst of increased involvement.
11. Share your own observations about the mental load with other friends who might be in similar situations. Normalizing these conversations helps shift cultural expectations.

Remember that stepping up isn’t just about easing your partner’s burden—it’s about becoming a more engaged parent and partner. Many men who take on more mental load report deeper connections with their children and a more satisfying home life overall.

For the Partner Carrying Most of the Load:

• Practice imperfect delegation – Allow tasks to be done differently without correction
• Communicate impacts rather than tasks – Express how the mental load affects your wellbeing, career, and relationship satisfaction
• Identify and challenge perfectionistic standards that may be self-imposed
• Cultivate outside interests that provide mental breaks from household management
• Recognise and celebrate progress rather than focusing solely on what still needs improvement

For the Partner Taking on More Load:

• Develop independent competence rather than relying on guidance
• Take initiative to learn systems through observation and research
• Build your own awareness muscles by regularly asking “what needs attention here?”
• Connect mental load sharing to relationship values like partnership and respect
• Accept discomfort as part of the growth process when taking on unfamiliar responsibilities

For Both Partners:

• Frame this as relationship growth rather than criticism or failure
• Acknowledge that change takes time and requires ongoing attention
• Celebrate the relationship benefits that come from more balanced mental load sharing
• Model equal partnership for children and discuss the value of everyone contributing to household thinking
• Revisit and adjust systems regularly as family needs change

 

Conclusion: Beyond Equal Chores to Equal Care

True partnership extends beyond dividing physical tasks equally. It means sharing the mental and emotional responsibility for creating a functioning, nurturing home environment. When both partners fully engage in noticing, planning, and managing family life, they create not just a more efficient household but a deeper connection.

Relationship experts note that couples who successfully navigate the mental load challenge often find their relationships strengthened. Partners report feeling truly seen and experiencing a deeper sense of teamwork. It’s not just about fairness—it’s about creating a relationship where both people feel fully engaged in creating their shared life. If you’re struggling with mental load imbalance in your relationship, consider booking a session with a qualified relationship counsellor.

For couples navigating the particular challenges of our high-pressure work culture, expensive childcare system, and geographically dispersed families, addressing the mental load isn’t a luxury—it’s essential for relationship sustainability and personal wellbeing.

By making the invisible visible, sharing the cognitive and emotional labour, and creating systems that work for your unique family situation, you can transform not just who does what, but how you experience your relationship and family life.

If you’d like help from an expert couples therapist in creating fairer division in the mental load, you can call us on 1300 830 552 or email through your enquiry here. We specialise in matching clients with their ideal therapist. We’re here to help.