How To Quit Porn

How To Quit Porn

When you decide to quit porn, it is usually because you have made an active decision to have something better in your life; a deeper relationship with your partner, a sense of personal integrity and a desire to be respected by your family and the community.

The decision to quit porn is a positive life affirming milestone in a person’s life. It represents a new level of self-responsibility and maturity.

But, it is not an easy process and does require commitment and professional help, as it is almost impossible to change and maintain the changes over time on your own.

With the help of a Psychologist, there are 9 stages or strategies that are essential to your quitting the porn habit:

  1. Acknowledging how porn has caused you problems
  2. Identifying what matters to you most
  3. Facing your fears
  4. Taking responsibility for your own recovery.
  5. Creating a porn free environment
  6. Resolving underlying wounds and unresolved issues
  7. Establish support and accountability
  8. Taking care of your physical and emotional health
  9. Start healing your sexuality and rebuild your sexual relationship with your partner

 

6 Love Hacks to keep your relationship hotter than a Jalapeno

Every night:

Make time for the two of you to talk for at least half an hour. This means what happened through the day for you, how you felt about it, and what you have been thinking.

 

Every day:

Find at least one thing you appreciate about your partner and tell him/her.(You look gorgeous, I like your shirt, That was a beautiful meal, I appreciate that you work so hard for us, I love the feel of your skin)

couples counselling

 

Every week:

Have a date night one night a week, just the two of you. Take turns to organize what you’ll do. If something else crops up on that night, swap your date night for another night, but don’t put it off. You show your partner that you value your relationship and are not taking him/her for granted by this small but consistent gesture.

 

Every month:

Check with each other about how your relationship is going.

Ask each other,” On a scale of 1 to 10, how are we going?” And then, the more important question, “What would make it a 10 for you?”

In this way you both keep up to date about the quality of your relationship, and have opportunities to take action to keep it alive and vibrant.

 

 

Every 3 months:

Go away, just the two of you, for a weekend, or preferably a long weekend, just to have fun. No-one else is invited. Take turns to organize it.

 

Every year:

Celebrate your anniversary (either wedding, or meeting each other, or moving in together) in a way that is meaningful to both of you, and recommit for another year. Talk about what you like to see happen in the next year.

 

The more you treasure and honor your partner and your relationship, the richer will be the rewards for all. These kind of simple things done over time make a huge difference to the quality of your relating.

Tantra Is The Opposite Of Porn – Learning How To Actually Be Intimate

What if studying tantra could heal our addiction to Porn? What if tapping into our natural abilities to experience ecstasy changes everything?

Porn is a funny thing. Despite some opinions, I believe that it isn’t inherently evil. Lots of people truly enjoy watching porn, including many couples who use it together to have a new experience. Yet it is seemingly undeniable that there are some real dark sides to porn.

Besides the obvious violence and anything involving children, there are much more insidious issues:

sex therapy

 

1) What We Look Like Is Everything

 

Porn focuses on being stimulated through the body. And so we are subconsciously told that sexuality depends on what your body looks like. You must be young, fit, have perky breasts and a large penis, otherwise you can’t be a good lover.

And ironically this sets up a huge self-worth issue in everyone, particularly those who don’t see themselves as young, fit and perky. And for the ones that do, they still quite often don’t see themselves as perky or big enough. Ultimately, no one leaves happy with themselves.

2) It’s All About Successfully Pleasuring The Other

Porn focuses on pleasing the other. Now obviously there is some part of us deep down that knows that the desire to please our partner is actually a wonderful thing. But that isn’t usually how it comes across in porn. It comes across as the only thing that is important. That bringing the other person to orgasm is the only goal.

And what’s wrong with that you ask? Well it is the message that our unconscious receives, that this is the only goal of lovemaking. That if you can’t bring your partner to orgasm, then there is no point making love. We end up with things like performance anxiety on both the giver and the receiver side.

3) Connection & Intimacy Aren’t Important

Porn has nothing to do with connection. It is simply a series of physical events that two people do together.

There is no connection or intimacy.

And this isn’t always bad, sometimes a round of rockin’ porn sex can be fun, but again it sends programming to our subconscious that this is what sex is about. That the connection doesn’t matter and it’s just about getting off.

sexual therapy

 

4) This Is All We Are Capable Of

 

The worst part of it is that porn makes us believe that this is all that there is. We think that we know what sex is all about and that porn just plays the edge of it, which is what is so titillating. But it isn’t true.

 

THE TRUTH IS that we as humans are using maybe 5% of our sexual abilities. It’s like having a piano where we think that there are only 10 keys. So we get really good at playing chopsticks. But the truth is that there are 88 keys and we can actually play phenomenal mind-blowing music. But we just didn’t know.

Porn deepens the belief that chopsticks is all that there is. So we just play it edgier and edgier so that hearing it still interests us. But we are

sexual counsellingmissing the boat.

So how does Tantra change all this?

It shows us the other 78 keys on the piano, and then teaches us how to play.

 

5) We Are So Much More Than Our Physical Bodies

The sexiest part of us isn’t our physicality. A truly sensual person has a presence about them that is absolutely captivating and enthralling. They can look at you and gently touch you in a way that will leave you spellbound. They will bring you into their inner quiet where you will breathe and touch each other sending chills and orgasms throughout your bodies. What their body looks like is quite irrelevant.

6) Pleasuring Is Greater When It Is Mutual

We are energetic beings as well as physical. When we are touching our partner, if we are really present and enjoying the feel of our partner’s skin, they will sense this. Your touch will be different than if you are just doing it in order to please them.

When you are truly in the moment, there is an electricity that comes out your fingers (or other sexy parts) that permeates your partner’s entire body. As your partner’s body responds to this, this pleasure cycles back to you, and the giver and the receiver roles start to become blurred. There is just simply pleasure being shared regardless of who is doing what.

 

7) Connection Is Everything

We are DESIGNED to connect with each other on a very deep level. Human beings do not do well without feeling deep connection. We call it “neediness” and “being desperate” when someone is feeling disconnected. But it’s really just because deep down we know that we are capable of phenomenal connection. And when we feel this amazing connection, things in our lives just get better. Depression lifts. We don’t feel as anxious. We notice the joys in life. We appreciate each other. We feel a level of content and happiness that we just don’t experience when we are all alone.

In tantra, this connection comes first. This is the foundation of all the sexual play. It’s like you first have to “plug in” to each other before the energy can flow. And so there is real intention to drsex counselling sydneyop our guards and allow each other inside to truly connect and experience each other.

 

8) Sex Is Meant To Be A Multi-Dimensional Experience

When we actually bring in everything that we truly are into our intimate experiences, we go from having simply physical sex to having an experience involving our minds, emotions, feelings, intuition, passion, presence, plus a pile of dimensions that you can’t even explain, they just happen.

And the most amazing thing is that it doesn’t take any tricks. It doesn’t take a pile of methods or fancy sexual abilities. It is actually incredibly natural and programmed into us, we just haven’t accessed it.

 

So Will Tantra Rid The World Of Porn?

I don’t think so. We love sex. Our sexual desire makes us feel alive. And truthfully, watching other people have sex can be very titillating.

sex therapist perth

Tantra heals our REAL relationships with REAL people. Learning how to actually be intimate with others allows us to have incredibly satisfying relationships with the people around us. We feel deeper connections and our intimate experiences actually heal us and make us feel wonderful about ourselves!

So porn won’t go away, but for many, the addiction can fade, because once you start experiencing the opposite side, your true potential, true intimacy and the sexual experiences that we are designed to have, the porn can’t own you. It just doesn’t come close to comparing to the experiences you’ve had.

I mean, once you’ve driven a Mazerati, driving a child’s push car just doesn’t compare.

 

This article was written by Katrina Bos and originally appeared on Collective-Evolution.com. It has been republished with permission.

Sensual touch: the cornerstone of a great sex life.

  • Do you lovingly touch your partner, children, friends or family? Often?
  • Ever wondered why people who recoil from touch seem unhappy or stressed?
  • Or why some cultures, no matter how poor, seem incredibly happy?
sex therapy for sensual touch

The quality of touch in our lives affects our happiness.

While still in the womb, touch is the first of our five senses to develop. Touch is the most important of our five senses. It is the only sense we cannot survive without.

Humans are incredibly adaptable. We can survive blindness, deafness, and the absence of taste or smell. But we cannot survive without touch. Touch is how we give and receive communication. Without it, we would severely burn or injure ourselves, without even knowing.

Our first and most fundamental form of communication.

When we’re born we rapidly adapt to bright light and deafening noise, and breathe air for the first time. Although it’s an overwhelming experience, touch calms us. Our mother’s touch communicates we’re safe. It anchors us in this strange new world. Stress reduction is the very first role touch plays in our lives. Relaxed, caring touch always reduces stress, no matter how old we are.

Touch reduces our Stress levels

Hugs, kisses, holding hands, close body contact, stroking of skin or hair ….. these all reduce our stress levels and bring us back into our body.

Sex is the highest form of touch we experience as adults because it gives us the most skin on skin contact.

When we’re the touched in a way that communicates we are cared for, the ‘feel good’ hormone, oxytocin, is released into our bloodstream. Oxytocin is creates feelings of wellbeing, emotional bonding, orgasm, and birth contractions.

The presence of oxytocin reduces the stress hormone, cortisol. While experiencing any form of pleasure, oxytocin levels rise and stress levels decrease.

We are designed to touch and be touched, to keep us healthy and reduces stress and disease.

The more loving touch we receive, the stronger our orgasms.

Oxytocin triggers orgasmic contractions. During orgasm, the brain and body are awash with feel-good chemicals (including Oxytocin) to increase our receptivity to more peasure (and more orgasms) and help us bond with our partner.

Our skin is our largest body organ. Receptors in the skin register touch, heat, cold, moisture, pressure, pain and pleasure. Our skin sensitivity depends on the stimulation we receive. The  ‘use it or lose it’ principle applies. Skin cells replace themselves every 4 hours. Less stimulation means less receptors are replaced, making us less receptive to touch.

In an adult man there are approximately 5 million sensory receptors in the skin, all wanting to be touched.

For all of us, touch receptors in the skin reduce in number as we age. At age 3 we have approximately 80 touch receptors per square millimetre of skin. This reduces to 20 per mm2 as a young adult and 4 per mm2 in old age.

This says two things:

  • our need for touch is highest in the first few years of life
  • the less touch we receive, the less touch we are able to receive (because the body doesn’t waste energy continuing to create cells which are not used).

The opposite is also true. The more we expose our bodies to pleasure, the more pleasure pathways are created in the brain and nervous system.

Have you ever noticed your skin feels tingly during sex?

There’s a relationship between breathing and touch. During sexual activity, deeper breathing clears carbon dioxide (CO2) out of the blood. You feel this as a tingling of the skin. Consequently, active breathing significantly increases the pleasure we receive from touch.

Women are generally more responsive to touch than men and are much more dependant on touch for erotic arousal, whereas men are generally more visual.

Also, research suggests that relaxed people enjoy more frequent and enjoyable sexual activity. Relaxation allows us to receive more pleasure.

So touch your partner lovingly (without expectations) to improve your relationship and your health. Touch in a way that communicates you care.

sensual touch

Getting Started: The Art of Erotic Touching

Rediscover the art of sensual touch with your partner – to refine your senses and become completely absorbed in what you are doing.

Set aside a night without interruption from children, television and visitors, and take the phone off the hook. Prepare a space in your bedroom or the lounge that you feel at home and comfortable in.

Set the mood with soft sensual music and invite your partner to lie down naked in a cosy nest. You’ll need some long delicate feathers. Make sure the room is warm.

Put your whole awareness into your fingertips and dissolve into your touching. For the receiver, dissolve your whole body in the experience of being touched.

This is not necessarily a prelude to lovemaking (although it can be), because it fulfils the desire for sensual touch independent of sex.

Create a mood of enjoyment rather than excitement, so your partner can relax and focus on the experience of receiving, letting go of any expectation or sexual goal.

Stroke your partner’s body gently with a feather, starting around the chest and moving up to the throat. Expand across the shoulders and down the arms, playing with areas such as the inside hollow of the elbow and between the fingers.

Then move very delicately and slowly from the area of your partner’s heart down their body to their feet, and finish by sweeping up from the heart to the head.

Play with curves, hollows and angles, and include any scarred or damaged areas of skin, giving these areas healing attention.

Touch feels more exquisite when it is lighter, finer, slower and continuous. So, take your time. Treat every part of your partner’s bare skin with loving care and attention, rather than focusing on the usual erogenous zones.

Then allow your fingertips to barely graze your partner’s flesh. Explore the hollows around the shoulders, behind the ears, the inside of the arms and behind the knees. Enjoy your lover’s toes. Other areas to explore are the palms and soles of feet, belly, the inside of the ear, the edge of the little finger, the inside of the thighs, buttocks, and the small of the back and the nipples.

Lastly, use your breathe to caress your lover’s body, blowing about an inch away from the skin.

Then it is time to swap roles and receive from your partner. Both the giving and receiving are important aspects of this process.

If you need further help with your sex life, we have Psychologists and a Sex Therapist in these centres:

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.

Or contact us on 1300 830552

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References

Grewen KM et al (2005) Effects of Partner Support on Resting Oxytocin, Cortisol, Norepinephrine, and Blood Pressure Before and After Warm Partner Contact. Psychosomatic Medicine, 67

Insel TR et al (1998) Oxytocin, vasopressin, and the neuroendocrine basis of pair bond formation. Advances in Experimental Medicine and Biology, 449

Kiecolt-Glaser J & Newton T (2001) Marriage and health: his and hers. Psychology Bulletin, 127

Maintaining desire: Keeping sex exciting in a long term relationship.

Although difficult to believe for some, research by Laumann (1994) has found that the best quality sex occurs in couples who have been in a committed relationship for 15 years of longer.

The best sex doesn’t, in fact, happen between young couples, or first time sexual experiences, which most of us assume.

Most couples begin their relationship as a romantic passionate love affair, complete with idealization of their new love and a strong sexual desire for each other. This is a very short lived but important stage because it gives you the courage to take the risk to become involved in a serious relationship.

But, once you’re settled in the relationship, and it becomes both more serious and secure for you both, the challenge then becomes how to integrate both your intimacy and your eroticism.

No one has a perfect sex life. Great sex, especially in a committed relationship, is uneven and is also variable.

The best research suggests that regular frequency and variable, flexible couple sex that is fully integrated into your real life is the best quality, most satisfying wonderful sex for you as a couple.

Realistically great sex serves a number of purposes in your life: for pleasure, to relieve tension, for self esteem, to feel emotionally close, and also to have babies.

Quality couple sex is made up of a blend of intimacy, desire, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction.

romantic sex

Balancing intimacy and eroticism

To have long term satisfying sex, here are some crucial points to remember:

  1. Take care of your physical health.Sex is important at any age right up to your 80’s. You are a sexual person right up till you die. In enjoying sex at every age, it is important to take care of your physical health; by sleeping well, exercising regularly and eating healthily.
  2. Trust, love & Commitment.Trust, love and commitment are essential fundamentals in great couple sex. The essence of a healthy relationship is respectful and trusting commitment. You need to feel your partner respects and loves you for the person you are, including your vulnerabilities; that your partner has your best interests at heart; that he/she would not intentionally do anything to hurt you, and is committed to you and your relationship.
  3. Intimacy. You need to feel that you both put each other first above anyone else; that you are safe and emotionally connected with your partner, and that he/she can empathize with you emotionally.
  4. Sex as a regular event. It is important to maintain a regular pattern of being sexual with your partner, no matter what comes along. Whether it be twice a week or twice a month, being able to count on and look forward to making love helps it continue to be enjoyable.
  5. Broaden your definition of Sex. Change your definition of sex from “intercourse” to “mutual pleasure” to encompass the fullness of what the pleasure of your lovemaking can give you.
  6. Have realistic expectations. Be realistic with what you can expect at each age. Research has shown that periodic sexual problems are common, sexual enjoyment varies, orgasm is not essential to sexual satisfaction and men and women have different physiological and psychological experiences. Count on the 85% guideline: this means that in 85% of the time you make love, sex will flow from pleasure to arousal to intercourse. When it doesn’t flow, you can just choose to transition to an erotic, non- intercourse scenario of pleasuring each other, or even a cuddly scenario, so that the lovemaking still ends in a positive way.                                                                                                 maintaining desire
  7. Resolve Desire stoppers as soon as possible. “Desire and positive anticipation” are essential core components in maintaining a great sex life, so knowing what factors inhibit desire is important. These include illness, medication side effects, tiredness and unresolved relationship conflict. So addressing and overcoming these as soon as you can reasonably do so, helps maintain a great sex life.
  8. Celebrate your Eroticism. A healthy eroticism, which is a desire for an energy charge with high levels of erotic flow and orgasm; the freedom to let go, to get lost in pleasure, and abandon yourself in passion.You can anticipate and feel deserving of sexual pleasure in your life and your relationship.
  9. A Team sport. Great sex needs to be seen as a team sport; that is a team of 2. The ultimate goal of satisfaction is not so much only orgasm, but feeling energized and bonded as a couple. You need each other as intimate and erotic friends.
  10. Relaxation is the key. As strange as it may seem, relaxation is the foundation of a great sexual experience. All 3 dimensions of relaxation are important – physical relaxation,psychological comfort, and feeling open, desired and accepted as a couple. Relaxationleads to pleasure which leads to arousal which leads to eroticism which can lead to intercourse and then orgasm.
  11. Value and explore all forms of touch. It is really important to include many variations of touch in your lovemaking. These include affectionate and comforting touch, sensual touch, playful touch, erotic touch and or course intercourse. Too often couples can over time revert to going directly from a quick kiss to intercourse, and miss all the pleasures of multiple modes of touching which helps you slow down and become really present and enjoy your mutual pleasuring along the way.
  12. Balance intimacy with eroticism. Too much intimacy can smother the spark of sexual desire. You do need to have some interests of your own and spend time experiencing your native sexual essence, eg women doing things that feed their feminine, and men doing masculine activities in order to feel that magnetic arc of attraction of masculine/feminine.

relationship counsleling for sex in relationshipsUltimately your sexual relationship is meant to play an energizing role in your relationship, one that enlivens and bonds the two of you together, while giving a regular charge of energy to your love.

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.

Or you can phone us on 1300830552 for more details.

Julie Hart ( adapted from “Enduring Desire” Michael Metz & Barry McCarthy)

Differing libidos: How to manage them in a healthy way.

There is not a couple alive who has not had even the occasional difference in what they would like and expect in their sex life.

Many couples find their way through these differences as they are not too great, but occasionally a couple will find that their libidos are so different, that they need extra assistance in how to accept each other and in knowing how to get the best out of their sex life.

Sandra Pertot, Australia’s foremost Psychologist and Sex Therapist has outlined 10 different Libido types, which are very helpful in understanding where each other of you is coming from, and what might be your expectations.

Pertot’s 10 Libido Types:

1.      The Sensual Libido Type

This type of lover values emotional connection above sexual performance.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it is more important for them to know that their partner is happy to be physically intimate with them as an expression of their love and commitment to each other than what is actually done during sex.

2.      The Erotic Libido Type

This type believes sex should be intense, varied and passionate, at least some of the time.

Mild Erotic lovers can cope with periods of “vanilla” sex, provided there are regular opportunities for adventurous and sizzling sex, while strong Erotic lovers believe that intense erotic sex is the cornerstone of a good relationship and they will get little pleasure out of low-key sex.

3.      The Dependent Libido Type

These types need sex to cope with life on at least a daily basis.

Typically the Dependent lover has used masturbation in the teenage years to cope with bad feelings such as stress, boredom, or anxiety. As an adult, the Dependent lover may not recognise this and interpret the partner’s unwillingness to go along with sex whenever he/she needs it as lack of love and caring

4.      The Reactive Libido Type

This type of love gets most satisfaction from pleasing their partner during sex.

There are two sub-types here: The first subtype has low sexual needs but gains genuine pleasure from keeping their partner happy; or, secondly they need to see their partner aroused in order to become aroused him/herself.    making love on the beach

5.      The Entitled Libido Type

This type assumes that it is their right to get what they want in their sexual relationship.

Some Entitled lovers are influenced by the idealisation of sex in our society and believe that everyone is having hot, daily sex so they are entitled to it as well. Others don’t think much about sex other than to expect that they have what they want when they want it.

Disinterested, Stressed or Detached lovers may also feel entitled to have the sexual relationship conform to their wishes.

6.      The Addictive Libido Type

This type of lover finds it difficult to resist the lure of sex outside their long-term, supposedly monogamous relationship.

The essential characteristic is that the behaviour has control over them rather than vice versa; some feel distressed by their actions while others feel that what they are secretly doing is acceptable.

7.      The Stressed Libido Type

This type of person feels under pressure to perform and constantly worry that they are sexually inadequate in some way.

The Stressed lover increasingly avoids sex for fear of failure, even though he/she may still feel sexual desire, which some find easier to satisfy with masturbation.

8.      The Disinterested Libido Type

This type may be lifelong or acquired. Typically the Disinterested lover says “I wouldn’t care if I never had sex again.”

This type may develop from a Stressed Libido type.

Sometimes this is associated with little or no pleasure if they do have sex, but for others, they can become aroused and enjoy sex once they get into it.

9.      The Detached Libido Type

sex therapy for sensual touch

This type usually feels desire but is too preoccupied with other life issues to seek partnered sex, and may masturbate regularly.

There are usually no performance problems.

The Detached lover’s withdrawal from partnered sex may be the result of a sense of overwhelming stress from financial or work pressure although the relationship is good, or it may reflect unresolved issues in the couple’s relationship.

10.   The Compulsive Libido Type

This type has one main sexual object or ritual that triggers sexual arousal.

In its mild form, this lover may co-exist with a partnered sexual relationship where the object or ritual is not required; in its stronger form, the Compulsive lover can only be aroused using the sexual object or ritual.

Some compulsions involve another person(s), some exclude a partner.

libido types

How we create sexual problems. The Cycle of Sexual Misunderstanding

The most common cause of distress in a sexual relationship arises because many people are not prepared for the extent of differences in sexual wants and needs that may occur between partners.

In the initial stages of a relationship, the heady feelings of initial infatuation often mask any differences, and one or both may believe that love will conquer all.

The set of expectations an individual brings to a relationship is often quite complex and detailed and problems begin when the two sets of expectations differ in significant ways.

In addition to this, problems escalate when judgements are made.

Initiation of Sex

relationship counselling for communication

The way in which sex is initiated can determine how often sex happens and whether it is enjoyable for one or both partners.

A common conflict is about the failure of one partner to initiate sex at all.

On other occasions, persisting with an irritating form of initiation can lead to avoidance by the partner.

Your Reaction

The manner in which each partner reacts to their partner’s sexual desires and preferences is a major factor in how the relationship proceeds.

When a partner is always compliant, this can indicate that he/she cannot recognise his/her own sexual needs.

Negative reactions such as withdrawing, sulking, being critical, hostile, angry or abusive often become toxic over time. Even subtle reactions such as a sigh can be seen as rejecting or critical.

Your Communication

The damage of differing libidos is often not so much caused by what is actually happening, but how each interprets the other’s (or their own) behaviour.

For example:

  • You don’t really love me. (Do I love him/her?)
  • You’re an inadequate lover. (Am I inadequate?)
  • You must be having sex with someone else.
  • You are being selfish.
  • You have a problem that has nothing to do with me.

Polarization

Frustration about the inability to get their point of view heard, or their needs addressed, can result in one or both partners taking a more extreme position.

This is often based on the “ask for more so that you might compromise and get what you really want”.

Feeling Isolated

narcissism problems marriage counsellingAs each partner takes a more extreme position, and they become more emotionally distant, they can lose sight of what might be right between them.

Eventually the focus on what is wrong leads to isolation in the relationship.

How to better manage your different Libidos

Most importantly, the aim is for a hassle-free “good enough” sex.

Sit together and identify what each of your Libido types are.

Then ask each other the questions:

What do you want your partner to most understand about how you are feeling, your point of view?

What first steps could your partner take that would let you know he/she understands your point of view and is interested in meeting your needs?

Now that you have each heard what the other would like, is that something you can do in the next few weeks?

What would help you make this change?

If you would like further help in assisting you manage your differing libidos, please give us a ring. We have 63 Relationship Psychologists and Sex Therapists in Sydney and around Australia ready to help.

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.

You can also contact us on 1300830552 for more details and assistance.

The Truth about Viagra & Having better sex in your 50s, 60s & 70s

Blowing away myths and misconceptions about sex and ageing.

couple counselling for emotional intimacy

Many people assume that as you age, your sex life declines, but you are built to be a sexual person from the day you were born to the day you die.

Even into your 60s, 70s, and 80s you can really enjoy sex, and sex can even get better in many ways over time.

Why do couples stop having sex as they get older?

When couples stop being sexual, at 50, at 65 or 75 in over 90% of the cases it’s almost always the man’s decision; and the reason is that is he’s lost his comfort and confidence with erections, intercourse and ejaculation,  and this becomes frustrating and embarrassing and so he avoids it.

He often makes this decision on his own and without discussion with his partner. Sex has become more of a hassle than a pleasure, but that doesn’t have to happen.

There’s all kinds of ways that people can enjoy being sexual in their 60s, 70s and 80s. The most important concept is that, unlike in your 20s and 30s where your sexual functioning was autonomous, you didn’t need anything from your partner in order to experience desire, arousal, and orgasm; it becomes different as you get older.

For sex to be enjoyable and satisfying, it’s got to be seen as a team sport. You need to think about your partner as both your intimate and your erotic friend.

Rather than the way you learn to be sexual which is totally predictable intercourse, when you are over 50, you will be more satisfied if you adopt what Barry calls the Good enough sex model, which is that not all sexual experiences flow into intercourse.

Not all sex needs to flow into Intercourse

When it doesn’t flow into intercourse, rather than apologizing or panicking, you comfortably transition either to an erotic non intercourse scenario or a cuddly sensual scenario and then take a rain check and go back to being sexual later on.

Sex is definitely something more than just wiggling your genitals around until they go pop.

If you define sex as the way most men learn sex in their adolescence and young adulthood, they get one easy erection, they go inside the woman at the first erection and they ejaculate. Actually the big problem for young males is ejaculating prematurely and it’s very predictable. but interestingly, these are the men who tend to stop being sexual in their 50s and 60s.

But if you can adapt to this new way of understanding and thinking about sex, then you can continue to be sexual into your 80s.

The truth about Viagra and Cialis

The pro-erection medications, like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra have probably caused more Sex-less marriages than anything else in history.

They are, in fact, helpful, and safe medications for a great majority of men, however they don’t function at all the way they appear to in the ads. The ads are hyped and they are totally misleading for men and couples.

What they promise is a return to the kind of erection you had in your teenage years, that you will have the automatic erection, 100% of the time, and  you’ll go straight to intercourse.

Then, when that doesn’t happen, it can be hard not to feel like a failure.

In reality when you take Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra, between about 65% and 85% of the time you are going to have an erection sufficient for intercourse.

But the medication does not give you an erection. It does not create the desire.  When you are feeling desire and are aroused, it allows your vascular system to be more efficient, so that you maintain your erection longer, which is why it is helpful.

In very simplistic terms what the medications do is decrease the blood flow out of the erectile tissue of the penis. Basically they constrict those blood vessels so that there is more blood in the spongy tissue of the erectile area of your penis and therefore it is a little easier if you have the proper psychological motive and are being stimulated.

They all basically have the same success rate, about 65% to 85% of the time.

The mistakes men make with Viagra and Cialis

 

There are 2 major mistakes that men make with Viagra,Cialis and Levitra.

  1. They expect that they are going back to an automatic erection. That’s not true, you need both psychological but also physiological stimulation; that is, you need manual or oral rubbing stimulation.
  2. Then, the biggest technical mistake that men make is they are afraid they’re going to lose their erection, so as soon as they get an erection, they move to intercourse as soon as possible for fear of losing it. It’s a very understandable mistake but it’s a very self-defeating pattern. A man should only transition to intercourse at higher levels of arousal.

Consider arousal being on a 10 point scale, where 5 is where you are just beginning to get aroused and get an erection and 10 is reaching orgasm. Most men move to intercourse when their arousal is about a 4 or 5 and then they get more aroused during intercourse.

It is far better to wait to transition to intercourse when your arousal is at 7 or 8 (when you’re highly aroused) rather than earlier.

Of course as young men, you may have had experiences where, if you wait too long, you don’t have enough control over ejaculation or orgasm,  and so you’ll come sooner than you want to, so in your senior years, it’s easy to assume when you feel it’s ready and it’s working, then it’s best to just do it now, fearing that more play might make you have less control.

But in fact the reality is just the opposite.

For men over 50, some 15% to 20% of men at least on occasion experience ejaculatory inhibition. Again what’s happening with them is they’re playing with sex by the old rules rather than new healthy rules in your 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s.

So many men try to force erection at low levels of arousal, which results in them running out of steam and they don’t ejaculate. Then they worry that that might have an erection problem, but in fact it is more a problem of ejaculatory inhibition as they are not aroused enough.

So, you will need more stimulation before transitioning to intercourse at higher levels of arousal, and also  multiple stimulation during intercourse.

In reality, very few men go back to 100% erectile functioning. However, the great majority of men can enjoy sex more, and enjoy intercourse more, but that 65-85% is a good guideline.

The Advantages of getting older

relationship counselling sydney

As men and women age though, two things develop, both of which are very positive for them.

  1. They need each other more.
  2. Sex becomes more of a team sport. They need each other, and they can develop an enjoyment of a shared sensual, erotic and the intercourse experiences.

What exactly is good sex?

In our western world we are very confused about the whole idea about sex.

In our minds we have this thought that if it doesn’t include penetrative sex and actual shooting of fluid then it isn’t sex.

Most men are really, really orgasm focused.  Many men have learned that sex is highly controllable and highly predictable, and the whole idea of pleasuring and foreplay is seen as for the woman only.

Men basically learn to think about sex as intercourse or nothing. You either hit a home run or you didn’t play the game, or you failed the game.

A Great Exercise to boost your sex life

But, there’s a much better way of thinking about it and that is Barry’s concept of Five gears of touching. It’s like a stick shift car.

The first gear is affection and touch which has great value in it itself. Whether it’s holding hands, hugging, kissing, that kind of thing. Affection is very important in terms of intimacy but it’s not basically sexual.

The second gear is when it starts being sensual. Sensual refers to non-genital touching, it refers to cuddling together like kissing, holding when you wake up in the morning or when you go to sleep at night. It refers to body massages that are non-genital. The way to think about sensual touch on our 10 point scale of arousal is sensuality allows you to feel 2 to 4 on that scale.

A third dimension of touch is more playful touch and what you mean by that, it can be nude, it can be semi-nude, it can be clothed. It mixes genital and non-genital touch. It’s things like doing whole body massages including genital pleasuring. It means taking showers or baths together. It means dancing in sexy or erotic ways and again in terms of arousal scale, it’s thinking about playful touching going from a 3 to a 5 or 6.

The fourth kind of touch is erotic non intercourse touch. That includes manual stimulation, oral stimulation or rubbing stimulation. Whether it’s taking turns or mutual and erotic non intercourse touch has great value in it of itself or as a way of leading into intercourse so we can be anything from a 5 to a 10 on our arousal scale.

The fifth gear is intercourse. It’s best to think of intercourse not as a pass/fail test but as a normal other dimension. Most of the time sex will flow to gear 5, but when it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean it was a failure or there’s something wrong with you.

So, if you switch to intercourse and see it as a pass/fail test at a 3 or 4, it’s likely to give you trouble rather than enhance your good feelings about sex. That’s the danger that a lot of men fall into. It’s a totally unnecessary danger.

If you want to enjoy intercourse in your 60s, 70s and 80s you need to see intercourse as part of the sexual experience and not the pass/fail test of the sexual experience. You can enjoy it as a natural continuation of the erotic flow.

It’s best to transition into intercourse at 7 or 8 in arousal, and also have multiple stimulations during intercourse.

If, at 15% or 20% of the time where it doesn’t flow into intercourse, rather than panicking or apologizing, you can be comfortable switching to erotic non intercourse sex whether for both of you or just one of you; or just decide and say “This isn’t going to be sexual night but let’s make this a sensual cuddling night” and then be sexual the next couple of days when you’re feeling more open and receptive to being sexual.

You can just take that rain check rather than just panic.

For the average, orgasmic woman, she’s orgasmic 70% of the time, not 100% of the time, so she understands that love making and orgasming is a variable process.

Also, the idea that you need each other is a large factor because most men feel early in their life that they don’t need a woman; but as they age, they come to understand that they do.

distand the new closenessIt’s much better and healthier to see the physiological changes in your body and relationship changes as a challenge and finds ways to meet that challenge so you can really enjoy sex as you age.

When you do so, it’s not only good for your psychological wellbeing, it’s good for your physical health. Men who are in healthy relationships including a relationship that involves touching and sexuality live longer and have a better quality of physical life.

 

Along with good eating patterns and reduced drinking and not smoking, regular exercise is also really healthy for your physical and sexual health too.

There’s a lot of evidence available, and it’s even more true of men than women, that for men being able to enjoy an active pleasurable love and sex life with their partner well into their 80′s means life can remain vital, enjoyable and loving until the very end.

If you would like help in achieving this healthy well rounded love and sex life at any age, please give us a ring and one of our psychologists or Sex Therapists will be able to assist you.

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.

Or phone us on 1300830552 for more details and assistance.

Julie Hart  (Adapted from Chip August’s Interview with Barry McCarthy, Psychologist, Sex therapist & author of 5 books on Sexuality)

Erectile dysfunction: Having Problems with erections

For most men, an erect penis is confirmation of being a man. Much of a man’s self esteem is tied to his penis. So, when a man’s penis repeatedly fails to become erect, it can be very distressing.

Problems with getting or keeping an erection sufficient for intercourse are very common. Most men experience this sexual difficulty periodically, but when erections are consistently unpredictable, ED becomes a personal and relationship crisis, which can create anxiety, self blame and relationship stress.

Most men experience occasional impotence, usually resulting from stress, tiredness, anxiety or excessive alcohol or drugs. However, worrying about impotence may set the scene for a more persistent problem due to fear of failure, or ‘performance anxiety’.

Erections change over time, sometimes stronger or weaker than at other times. Men in their teens often have little control over their erections and obtain erections when not in a sexual situation. For most, this stops in their late teens to early twenties.

As men get older, erections may not always be obtained when they want one.  By age 40, about 90% of men have experienced at least once, a problem with getting or maintaining an erection sufficient for intercourse.

By 50 over half of men report mild to moderate erectile difficulty.

So a man’s major fear is, in fact, almost an universal experience.

For men under 40, most erection problems are caused by psychological or relationship problems, rather than physical or medical factors.

Age increases physical vulnerabilities. Some of the common physical causes are alcohol overuse, smoking, drug overuse, side effects of hypertensive and psychiatric medications, spinal conditions, prostate surgery, chronic illness, diabetes and vascular problems.

Some of the common psychological and relationship factors are anticipatory anxiety, performance anxiety, distraction, self consciousness, feeling a failure and anger at his partner.

For a man, the more you focus on your penis and getting or maintaining an erection, the less successful you are.

An erection is a natural result of involvement, receptivity to sensual and pleasurable stimulation, and enjoyment of your partner’s subjective arousal. When you focus on your penis, you take yourself out of the erotic flow and play the role of spectator. Once sex and performance are linked like this, you are half way to having ED.

It is important to focus on the give and take of pleasure rather than performance.

If an ED problem persists for longer than 6 months, both the man and the couple become trapped in a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, performance anxiety, and avoidance.

No matter whether it was physical or psychological factors that initially were responsible for causing the ED, this self perpetuating anxiety cycle for both partners keeps maintaining it.

What happens in an erection?

Prior to an erection, first there is the feeling of sexual desire (he is ‘turned on’). This is quickly followed by arousal. With arousal, his penis becomes erect when the smooth muscle of the penis relaxes and allows blood to flow into three spongy bodies inside the penis (the two corpora cavernosa and the corpus spongiosum).

The penis is a hydraulic system. It rises and stiffens as it fills with blood.

How common are Erectile difficulties?

In Australia, about 30% of men report erectile dysfunction. It has been estimated that erectile dysfunction (of all degrees) affects  52% of men aged 40 to 70 years, with higher rates in those older than 70 years. Research suggests that the prevalence of ED among Australian men falls in these ranges:

  • 13.1% of 40-49 year olds
  • 33.5% of 50-59 year olds
  • 51.5% in 60-69 year olds
  • 69.2% of 70-79 year olds

Worldwide, only about 1 in 6 men with moderate to severe erectile dysfunction seeks help from health professionals. The majority suffer in silence.

A New Growing Problem; Porn induced Erectile Dysfunction

 

Very recently there have been increasing reports of young internet porn users complaining of delayed ejaculation, inability to be turned on my their real partners and erectile difficulties.

Many numbers of men in their 20′s with a serious porn habit (and increasing need for more extreme material) have begun complaining that they cant get it up anymore with a real girl.

Recent behavioural addiction research suggests that the loss of libido and performance occur because heavy users are numbing their brain’s normal response to pleasure. Years of overriding the natural limits of libido with intense stimulation desensitizes the user’s response to the neurochemical dopamine which is behind sexual desire and erections.

This is a very worrying trend for young men.

Is the “Magic blue pill” the answer to erection difficulties?

Since 1998 with the introduction of Viagra, it has been popularly believed that erectile problems are caused mainly by physiological problems, especially vascular problems, rather than psychological issues or relationship distress.

However, this medical approach oversimplifies the problem and promises more than it can deliver. ED is more complex. Although the achievement of an erection is very important, a healthy, fulfilling sexual relationship is much more intricate than a mechanistic view allows.

For every man who has been helped by Viagra, an equal number, or perhaps more have “failed ” with Viagra. When this happens these men feel even more stigmatized and demoralized after trying and not succeeding than before using Viagra.

An Important Assessment question

If you find you can get an erection through self stimulation, or with your partner stimulating you, or while you are sleeping, or when as you wake, then it is likely that the physical factors are functional for you.

This usually means that anxiety, distraction, fatique, and negative emotions are playing a major part in interfering with your sexual function, and will need to be addressed by a Relationship Psychologist or Sex Therapist.

What are all the Causes of Erectile difficulties?

 

Erection difficulties are an unfortunate by-product of our modern Western lifestyle. Many men are in a constant state of stress, leading a sedentary lifestyle and eating and drinking all the wrong things.

They often also believe that they need to prove their sexual potency to their partner when in the bedroom and then feel stressed and disappointed when their equipment fails them.

Erectile difficulties are caused by a combination of Bio-Psycho-Social factors, and as a result, problems can arise from a variety of reasons. Here are some of the common ones:
 

1.     Psycho-sexual

 Psycho-sexual factors are particularly important because they affect not only erections but also your sexual desire.

  •  unrealistic expectations of your performance
  • feeling you have to perform for or prove yourself to your partner
  • inability to relax when having sex
  • lack of confidence as a lover
  • no desire, not ‘turned on’

2.     Diet & Lifestyle Factors

  •  sedentary behaviour (lack of exercise)
  • high calorie, high cholesterol diet
  •  obesity
  • smoking
  •  excessive alcohol (more than 2 glasses per day)
  •  recreational drugs
  • prescribed medications (some anti-depressants, anti-hypertensive and anti-psychoticdrugs)

 3.     Physical Health    

 Some sources estimate that 75% of cases of erectile dysfunction are due to poor physicalhealth. Because the penis has the smallest blood vessels in the body health problems oftenshow up here first. If nocturnal and morning erections are no longer happening for you, seeyour doctor. Erectile dysfunction is often an early warning sign of one or more of thesehealth conditions:

  • Cardiovascular disease
  • Stroke
  • Diabetes
  • Prostate disease
  • Alzheimer’s
  • Spinal cord or pelvic injury or surgery
  • Parkinson’s
  • Hormonal change
  • Kidney or liver problems

4.     Emotional & Mental  Health

  •  depression
  • stress / anxiety
  • fear and apprehension

5.     Partner & Relationship Related

  •  insufficient physical stimulation by partner (especially with age)
  • communication problems and emotional conflict
  • power struggles
  • performance anxiety
  • lack of sexual attraction
  • lack of trust, comfort and co-operation
  • not feeling close
How does Erectile difficulties affect partners?

 

Women respond to their partners erection difficulties in a number of different ways.

It is often difficult for a woman not to feel hurt or confused particularly if her partner tries to cope by avoiding having sex or being affectionate, which is a very common response. In these instances, It is not unusual for a woman to begin to question her sexual attractiveness, or her partner’s interest in her.

Other women will minimise the sexual side of the relationship, saying that intimacy is all that counts. Others will become demanding, believing her partner owes her intercourse.

The healthiest role for the partner to play is to be a caring involved sexual friend, and if possible maintain her sexual desire and arousal, as this often invites her partner’s arousal.

Treatments and Solutions

For many men, their GP is the first port of call as they dont know where else to go for help.

Unfortunately, while there are some GPs who are well schooled in erection difficulties, many are not, and often can only offer very minimal advice and treatment, or feel uncomfortable even discussing the problem in any depth.

Pro-erection drugs like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra can be a vital resource in treatment. However the challenge is to make a fuller comprehensive assessment of your particular problem , and also very importantly, to show you how to integrate the drug into your couple sexual style and your relationship.

Our Sex therapists and Relationship Psychologists at the Hart Centre can help you in working with your GP in  comprehensively assessing your problem, and in working out the multi-faceted solutions.

We can take the guesswork out of your problem and can provide the link with your GP, so that we are all working together to create the best solution for you.

Sexual Education

Many people believe that because sex is natural it ‘should come naturally’. However, like any skill, a few tips to point us in the right direction never go astray. Some men experience erectile dysfunction because of lack of sexual education, in other words, they do not know what to do in particular situations. Once armed with the information he needs, a man can overcome most of his difficulty.

 

Healthy erections depend on a man being able to relax, knowing how to manage challenging situations, having good physical health and healthy blood flow. Knowing how to achieve these will lead to many years of healthy erections and sexual enjoyment.

The essence of Erectile difficulties is that you have lost your comfort and confidence with erections and intercourse. ED is a changeable problem.

The goal of ED treatment is not just to restore erections and resume intercourse, but to establish a new way of understanding desire, pleasure, arousal, intercourse and sexuality that will allow you to not only maintain your gains, but also to help any further problems as you age.

Increasing sexual awareness and adopting positive, realistic sexual expectations is part of a new, healthy model of male sexuality.

 What to Do Next?

If you would like to overcome your erectile difficulties and recreate a healthy and happy sex life again, come and talk with our Sex Therapist or Relationship Psychologists.

Associate Psychologist program

He/ she will carry out a comprehensive assessment, often in conjunction with your GP or other Doctor if you prefer, and then can offer you the appropriate solutions, tailor made for you.

It can sometimes be difficult making the decision to see a sex therapist for your erectile dysfunction problem, as it can feel like a sign of weakness; however, in reality, seeking professional help is a sign of psychological wisdom and strength, as you are proactively working towards a better sex life and relationship.

Phone 1300 830 552 to enquire or make an appointment.

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.

Alison Rahn, (Sex Therapist) & Julie Hart (Psychologist)  © Copyright 2012http://www.alisonrahn.com.au/

References

Chew KK, et al (2000) Erectile dysfunction in general medicine practice: prevalence and clinical correlates. International Journal of Impotence Research (12), 41-45.

Dorey G, Speakman M, Feneley R, Swinkels A, Dunn C, Ewings P (2004) Randomised controlled trial of pelvic floor muscle exercises and manometric biofeedback for erectile dysfunction British Journal of General Practice 54 (508), 819-825.

Esposito K, Giugliano F, Di Palo C, et al (2004) Effect of Lifestyle Changes on Erectile Dysfunction in Obese Men: A Randomized Controlled Trial. The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) 291(24), 2978-2984.

Melman A & Gingell JC (1999) The Epidemiology And Pathophysiology Of Erectile Dysfunction, The Journal of Urology, 161 (1), 5-11.

Moreira ED, Lisboa CF, Villa M, Nicolosi A, and Glasser DB (2002) Prevalence and correlates of erectile dysfunction in Salvador, northeastern Brazil: a population-based study, International Journal of Impotence Research, 14, Suppl 2, S3–S9.

Metz & Mcarthy. (2004) Coping with Erectile Dysfunction.

Penis size: How much does it really count?

Many men are concerned about their penis size, particularly if they believe their penis is too small when compared to other men. This creates worry about their ability to pleasure (and keep) a partner.

We are bombarded with messages that equate a man’s power and masculinity with his penis size.  Unfortunately, the mass media targeting men promotes unnaturally super-sized penises (via pornography and popular men’s magazines). The predominant message is that a large penis means being a ‘real man’ and hence more desirable.

This message is a marketing tool that lowers men’s self-esteem and promotes products and services that feed off men’s fears and insecurities, including various gadgets, pills, and surgery to ‘enlarge your penis’.

If men believe penis size determines masculinity, they will continue to feel unnecessary sexual anxiety. The irony is that, over time, this anxiety may lead to difficulty achieving erections (creating a vicious circle of more anxiety).

It is a man’s beliefs about his penis size that cause problems, NOT his actual penis size.

Perceptions of penis size were assessed in an Internet survey of 52,031 heterosexual men and women. Two out of three men (66%) rated their penis as average, 22% as large, and 12% as small.

85% of women were satisfied with their partner’s penis size but only 55% of men were satisfied with their penis size (45% wanted to be larger, and 0.2% wanted to be smaller).

Men tend to report their penis is larger than it actually is. When measured under laboratory conditions, penis size (both flaccid and erect) was found to be smaller than reported.

Penis size varies a lot, both in thickness and length. The average penis is approximately 8.9 centimetres (3.5 inches) long when flaccid and 13.5 centimetres (5.3 inches) long when erect.  However, most men fall in the following range:

The typical length of an adult flaccid penis = 7.6 – 13.0 cm (3 – 5 inches) in length
The typical girth of an adult flaccid penis    = 8.5 – 10.5 cm (3.3 – 4 inches) circumference

The typical length of an adult erect penis = 12.7 – 17.7 cm (5 – 7 inches) in length
The typical girth of an adult erect penis  = 11.3 – 13.0 cm (4.5 – 5 inches) circumference

Erect penis length
Studies show men fall into the following ranges:

Erect Length (cms) Erect Length (inches) Percentage of men
under 9.4 cm under 3.7 inches 2.5%
9.7 cm to 11.4 cm 3.8 to 4.5 inches 13.5%
11.7 cm to 15.2 cm 4.6 to 6.0 inches 68%
15.5 cm and 17.3 cm 6.1 to 6.8 inches 13.5%
Over 17.5 cm over 6.9 inches 2.5%

Women are less interested in penis size than men.

If they are interested, a man’s girth (thickness) is more important than his length, particularly for women who have not adequately exercised their pelvic floor muscles after childbirth.

Fortunately, mother nature has designed us all perfectly. The genital variety in men perfectly matches the genital variety in women. For every man or woman there are plenty of potential partners who are a perfect fit. Better still, women are designed to adapt to whatever size they’re presented with. So size doesn’t really matter.

If you are a man who’s concerned about penis size, stop worrying how big it looks and start focusing on how you use it (and every other part of your body).  Most women value having a confident, creative and skillful lover more than a big penis.

__________________________________________________________________________

References

Lever J, Frederick DA & Peplau LA (2006) Does size matter? Men’s and women’s views on penis size across the lifespan. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, Vol 7(3), 129-143.

Sengezer M, Ozturk S & Deveci M (2002) Accurate method for determining functional penile length in Turkish young men. Annals of Plastic Surgery, 48, 381–385.

Vardi Y, Harshai Y, Gil T & Gruenwald I (2008) A Critical Analysis of Penile Enhancement Procedures for Patients with Normal Penile Size: Surgical Techniques, Success, and Complications, European Urology, 54, 1042–1050.

Wessells H, Lue TF, & McAninch JW (1996) Penile length in the flaccid and erect states: Guidelines for penile augmentation. Journal of Urology, 156, 995–997.

Difficulty Orgasming: How can I experience more pleasure?

Is Your Orgasm Hard Work or Impossible?

About 10% of women are non-orgasmic. It is between 5 to 10 times harder for a woman to have an orgasm than a man. While men only take on average 2 and a half minutes to get there, it takes women around 12 minutes.

It is an interesting fact that women are more likely to bond long term with men who can make them come.

Numbers

While 80% of men report having orgasms almost every time they have sex, women have orgasms only 36% of the time.

More complicated and variable than the male orgasm, the female orgasm is a continually unfolding mystery.

However, women are born orgasmic. If left in their natural state, and raised in a relaxed environment, young girls and women are capable of experiencing orgasmic states frequently, on a daily basis, without any effort.

This is not the orgasm we see in porn or the movies. It is not about muscle spasm. It is spontaneous in nature, requiring no deliberate stimulation. The warmth of the sun or the feel of the breeze on her skin can trigger tingling ripples of delight through a woman’s body, like a shiver. Learning about the world comes through the messages her body gives her.

The Key is Relaxation

differing libidos

Knowing your body comes from allowing yourself to feel. The key is to be relaxed. For women to reach their sexual potential they need to become accustomed to being relaxed in everyday life. In any given sexual encounter with a partner women need to be relaxed. To be orgasmic, women must allow themselves to be receptive and sensual and drop any need to ‘be in charge’ (of themselves or another).

Women and their partners need to be patient and respectful of their differences. It’s important to have:

  • no agenda
  • no goal
  • no desired outcome

Women also need a beautiful, sensual and safe environment with no sources of distraction.

Many women (up to 50%) report lack of sexual desire. This many women cannot be dysfunctional! It is a signal that our modern lifestyle is at odds with a woman’s natural way of being. Many women have lost touch with their sensuality.

It is normal for women to feel sexual desire AFTER sexual activity has already begun. This is not common knowledge. Many women talk as if sexual activity can only happen if they’re already ‘in the mood’. And by sexual activity I do not mean intercourse.

Female sexuality is not logical or sequential. Women enjoy mystery, and the unpredictable. Women like to be wooed, teased, tantalised .…. by the promise of what may come! This can happen at any time of day…and quite unexpectedly.

Anticipation builds sexual arousal. Touch is not necessarily required. Women can become aroused by a partner’s tone of voice, or breath against her skin, or …… just a look, in complete silence!

And what worked yesterday may never have the same effect twice. Repetition leads to boredom.

Women need to educate themselves and their partners. Like food and water, we all need space to connect with ourselves, to feel our bodies, to hear our inner body knowing, and to respond to it.

sydney loving relationship counselling

Rushing, having an end goal, and engaging in excess stimulation will derail this process. Being in tune with yourself is more important than what you or your partner does. Aim for mutual giving and receiving of pleasure (not orgasm).

Orgasm comes when it’s ready, when you are totally relaxed and your body is overflowing with pleasure. The orgasm I speak of is not limited to muscular contraction of the genitals. It’s not the kind that is over in a few seconds. I am speaking of the wave after wave of pleasure which spreads through a woman’s whole body, that need never end. These orgasmic waves have a sense of timelessness. All sense of time is lost. Many women have never known this space. It takes time, yet minimal effort, for a woman to reach this state. (Allow an hour or more.)

It takes at least 20 minutes for a woman’s body to fully prepare for sexual intercourse, to give her vagina sufficient time to fill out and lubricate, and for her lips to fully open in readiness. A woman needs this preparation time, to quieten her mind and relax into feeling her body.

Women, in their natural state, are open and receptive to sensual pleasure. A woman’s body responds as she relaxes. More and more sensations are experienced as you relax, breathe, and let go of mental chatter. Women are capable of extended orgasmic states and ecstasy. There is no limit to the pleasure women are capable of feeling, other than the limits we put on ourselves.

The 4 Stages of Sexual Experience

If you are experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm (climaxing) it’s important first to understand the four stages of a sexual experience:

1. Desire

2. Arousal

3. Orgasm

4. Refractory period

In women, steps 1 and 2 can be (and often are) in reverse order as I’ve already discussed.

However, orgasm usually only happens if desire and arousal are already well established.

Range of orgasms for women

relationship counsleling for sex in relationships

Only 30% of women report that they can orgasm through intercourse alone, and 40% say they need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm.

After masturbation, receiving oral sex is the most common way women have orgasms.

Clitoral stimulation is approximately twice as likely to lead to an orgasm as vaginal stimulation.

The problem is that many women feel inadequate if they can’t orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. This is one of the biggest reasons why women fake orgasms.

The position many women feel is most likely to have an orgasm is with the woman on top, doggy style, and the man entering from behind.

Penetrative orgasms are most likely achieved when G spot is stimulated.

Many women say they can only have an orgasm when penetrated if preceded by masturbation of oral sex.. They like the more direct stimulation of the clitoris close to the point of coming, and then like to finish off with intercourse.

Woman first need to get to know their bodies and what turns them on. Then, by building more and more pleasure, the body responds by overflowing into orgasm.

Orgasm is a reflex. It cannot be forced. However it can be prevented by negative thinking and body tension. The key is to relax mentally and physically and let your body do what it already knows how to do.

If you would like some help in discovering what’s stopping you from having great orgasms, let us explore some of the factors with you and help you achieve the wonderful orgasms your body was designed to enjoy.

To Check which of our Psychologists are closest to you, please use our Find our Psychologist Search box on the right hand side of the page.

Or phone us on 1300830552 for more details and assistance.