Why women lose interest in sex is always the hottest topic. Sex, and our need and desire for it, and the differences in what men and women want, is never far from most people’s minds.
Sex and lovemaking can be either the most delicious, or dissatisfying part of your life. Sometime sex can be a way for you and your partner to open your hearts, surrender your bodies, and share the most fun and ultimate pleasure together, or it can be a most frustrating and empty experience.
Depending on how you do it, sex can be an intimate ravishment, or a total flop. Studies have shown that 1 in 3 women are turned off sex, whereas the figure is closer to one in 6 for men. A 2020 study also revealed that over time, women were more likely to exhibit substantial changes in sexual attitudes than men.
Women in particular often feel they lose interest in sex because the kind of sex on offer is not what turns them on.
Essential keys to understanding great sex.
1. Great Sex: Different pathways
In truth, what we all want (both men and women) is a fabulous, warm, intimate, fun, pleasurable sex/love life with our treasured life partner. The great difference, we discover, is that naturally, the pathway to that is different for men and women. Men seek it through physical sex first; and through having sex with his woman, he opens more emotionally and connects. On the other hand, a woman needs the emotional intimacy, closeness and loving appreciation first, before she feels she is willing to open her body to this “disconnected emotional stranger”. This is hugely important difference that needs to be taken into account in order for sex and lovemaking to be great for both of you.
2. There are greater rewards for a man by delivering what his woman desires first.
When you have made your woman truly happy, she is more than happy to grant you your wishes in return. It is amazing to see the turnaround in a woman who is truly satisfied, both emotionally and physically… the glow on her face when she is well loved and “orgasmed” out… and her strong desire to do anything she can to show her man just how much she appreciates him. This is a secret that very few men even know, let alone use to their advantage.
Relationships that last the longest and are the most successful are those in which the woman is getting her desires fulfilled, giving the man a double win by first knowing he is responsible for his wife’s delight, and in addition, have an appreciative wife wanting to give it to him in return. A true Win/Win for both of you.
Having had the great honor of sharing the intimate details of thousands of couples’ love lives in my counseling practice, and having access to the latest world research and trainings on sex, love and relationships, I’ve come to understand that most men have not even scratched the surface of how to get the best from their woman, their sex life, and their relationship.
The good news is that 70% of women would like more sex. And here’s what they are looking for:
Emotional connection and intimacy.
Sex for women, is like the glue in the relationship. It helps her “bind” to her chosen man. For most women, the emotional is indivisible from the physical, and the emotional precedes the physical.
Her desire for her man is fed by feeling close to him and by his presence. Your woman wants to feel emotionally connected to you, before, during and after sex.
Men, on the other hand, do not feel loved by you unless you connect with them sexually. Sex helps men to access their hearts. It doesn’t matter how good a cook you are, or how beautiful the house looks. If you reject him sexually, he doesn’t feel loved.
Tips for Men
Tip 1: Romance
Take the time to sit and talk with her daily, with no distractions of TV, phones and kids. Simply talking and listening makes her feel more connected.
Women love lots of it. Women like to be treated as the uniquely special creatures that they are. Attention, and affection go a long, long, long way, guys, together with your appreciation of her, as an individual and as a woman.
Tip 2: Foreplay
Call during the day to say you love her, organize a weekend away, bring a single rose, and tell her what you admire about her. Try something new each week. Women never tire of feeling desired. Build anticipation by hinting at a surprise and when it will happen.
Foreplay builds desire. In bed, warm her up first and explore her whole body. Gentle, lingering touch can be intensely arousing.
Tip 3: Support
Take much more time, look her in the eyes, and learn the art of erotic touching and teasing, before going for the genitals, and you’ll be her hero in bed.
Support matters beyond the bedroom. Many women end the day tired from work, kids and house tasks. When the load feels unfair, resentment rises and desire falls. Share the work. Small, steady help goes a long way.
Resentment and anger are the number one killer of passion and sexual openness for women.
Tip 4: Orgasm
Offer her plenty of support around the house, and she will feel cared for by you and far more open to you. She also needs some time off to rejuvenate and revive her sensual self with some of those femininely nurturing trips to the hairdresser, facials, and massages.
Believe it or not, this nourishes her femininity. (In the same way, having a beer with your mates “nourishes” males). Even buying clothes that she feels beautiful in, helps her love who she is as a woman, and feel beautiful and more open to being sensual.
ALMOST ALL women have not yet explored their full orgasmic potential…, yet! Studies show that 80% of men report they have orgasms almost every time they have sex; in contrast women have orgasms only 36% of the time. Orgasms, and various types of orgasms, and even multiple orgasms, are another area that most women would like to explore. More complicated and variable than the male orgasm, the female orgasm can be a wonderful unfolding mystery.
All orgasms are not equal for women. And through exploring and experimenting, men, too, can extend their orgasmic potential far more than you ever thought possible.
Tip 5: Fun and Variety
Make it your mission to explore your orgasmic potentials together.
It’s true, Girls DO want to have fun as much as men. Most women would love more playfulness, variety and adventure just like men would. A man who is willing to create delightful experiences, both in and out of bed will win her heart far more easily. Why not both provide some fun and variety?
Tip 6: Broaden your sexual-loving repertoire by being playful, warm and caring, deep and meaningful, short sessions, long sessions, new positions, and give and take.
Staying in love.
Because relationships are not just about sex, both men and women need to take time and create a meaningful connection with their partners. Staying in love and emotionally attached to our partners will have sex even more fulfilling. Here are my essentials for keeping the love alive:
1. Every night:
Make time for the two of you to talk for at least half an hour. This means what happened through the day for you, how you felt about it, and what you have been thinking.
2. Every day:
Find at least one thing you appreciate about your partner and tell him/her. (You look gorgeous, I like your shirt, that was a beautiful meal, I appreciate that you work so hard for us, I love the feel of your skin).
3. Every week:
Have a date night one night a week, just the two of you. Take turns to organize what you’ll do. If something else crops up on that night, swap your date night for another night, but don’t put it off. You show your partner that you value your relationship and are not taking him/her for granted by this small but consistent gesture.
4. Every month:
Check with each other about how your relationship is going. Ask each other,” On a scale of 1 to 10, how are we going?” And then, the more important question, “What would make it a 10 for you?”
In this way you both keep up to date about the quality of your relationship and have opportunities to take action to keep it alive and vibrant.
5. Every 3 months:
Go away, just the two of you, for a weekend, or preferably a long weekend, just to have fun. No-one else is invited. Take turns to organize it.
6. Every year:
Celebrate your anniversary (either wedding, or meeting each other, or moving in together) in a way that is meaningful to both of you and recommit for another year. Talk about what you like to see happen in the next year.
The more you treasure and honor your partner and your relationship, the richer will be the rewards for all. These kinds of simple things done over time make a huge difference to the quality of your relationship.
If you would like further help with these or anything related to your relationship, please see a qualified and experienced relationship and marriage counsellor.
Julie Hart 
