When it comes to relationships, recognizing the behaviors that can either strengthen or weaken your bond is incredibly important. Dr. John Gottman, a pioneering psychologist and researcher, identified four negative communication patterns that often predict relationship breakdown. These are known as the “Gottman Four Horsemen” or Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — not for drama’s sake, but because they act as warning signs for relational deterioration.
Understanding these patterns gives you the chance to shift them, communicate more compassionately, and restore emotional safety. Each of these “Horsemen” has a corresponding antidote (a healthier communication alternative) as described by the Gottman Institute.
The 4 Horsemen Explained
Below are the four destructive patterns, why they’re harmful, and healthier alternatives you can try immediately.
1. Criticism
What It Looks Like
Criticism attacks your partner’s character rather than focusing on a specific behavior. It often starts with “You always…” or “You never…,” which can quickly provoke defensiveness.
Example: “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”
Why It’s Harmful
Over time, repeated criticism wears down trust and communication. It triggers defensive responses and emotional distance. This pattern often sets off a negative cycle of blame and withdrawal.
Antidote / What You Can Do Instead
Use a gentle start-up with an “I” statement, focusing on how you feel and naming a specific action instead of blaming personality.
Better Approach: “I feel overwhelmed when the house is untidy after a long day. Can we work together to keep it cleaner?”
2. Contempt
What It Looks Like:
Contempt communicates disdain or superiority. It shows up as sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, sneering, or dismissive body language (eye-rolling, sneering).
Example: “Seriously? You can’t even manage to do this one simple thing? You’re hopeless.”
Why It’s Harmful:
Gottman’s research highlights contempt as the most destructive of the Horsemen — a strong predictor of divorce. It attacks respect and erodes emotional connection.
Antidote / What You Can Do Instead:
Deliberately cultivate appreciation and respect. Express gratitude, acknowledge efforts, and shift toward positive regard.
Better Approach: “I really appreciate how hard you work and how much you care about our family.”
Regular appreciation helps build emotional resilience and mitigates contempt’s corrosive effects.
3. Defensiveness
What It Looks Like:
Defensiveness often arises in response to feeling attacked. It can manifest as denying responsibility, making excuses, shifting blame, or counterattacking.
Example: “It’s not my fault the house is a mess. You’re the one who’s never home.”
Why It’s Harmful:
Rather than resolving conflict, defensiveness escalates it. It signals an unwillingness to listen or compromise, blocking constructive communication.
Antidote / What You Can Do Instead:
Accept some responsibility — even if it’s small. This simple acknowledgment can de-escalate tension and open space for dialogue.
Better Approach: “You’re right; I could do better at tidying up. Let’s figure out a plan together.”
This helps shift the battle from blame to collaboration.
4. Stonewalling
What It Looks Like:
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws — emotionally or physically. They may refuse to speak, avoid eye contact, shut down, or leave the room mid-discussion.
Example: (Partner says nothing, crosses arms, and avoids eye contact.)
Why It’s Harmful:
When one partner stonewalls, the other feels ignored, frustrated, or abandoned. Issues go unresolved, and emotional distance grows.
Antidote / What You Can Do Instead:
Use self-soothing first: when you feel overwhelmed, pause and calm yourself. Then return to the conversation and signal that you intend to re-engage.
Better Approach: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a break. Can we take 20 minutes and then talk again?”
This allows both partners to reset emotionally and re-enter the conversation more effectively.
Using the Gottman Method to Repair Your Relationship
If you recognize any of these negative patterns in your relationship, there’s hope. The Gottman Method for couples therapy is built around helping couples learn healthier communication, repair conflict, and foster emotional closeness.
What the Gottman Method Includes
- An assessment phase (questionnaires, individual & joint sessions) to map strengths and vulnerabilities in your relationship.
- Strategies to disarm conflict, increase affection, and deepen empathy and connection.
- Use of tools like love maps, shared meaning rituals, repair attempts, and soft startups.
Benefits and Effectiveness
- Decades of research show the Gottman Method effectively reduces negative interactions and increases relationship satisfaction.
- It works for couples at different stages (new relationship, long-term marriage) and for diverse relationship types (including same-sex couples).
- Because the method is forward-focused and skill-based, many of the interventions are sustainable beyond therapy itself.
Why Early Awareness Matters
The sooner you recognize and intervene on these patterns, the better. Without intervention, they can become “default modes” of communication, making relational repair exponentially harder.
By naming the Horsemen early, you empower your relationship to pivot toward healthier habits — before distance sets in.
Getting Help – Hart Centre’s Approach
If you see these patterns recurring in your relationship, you don’t have to face them alone. Working with a Gottman-trained therapist can help you and your partner.
- Gain awareness of destructive interaction dynamics
- Learn to repair more effectively
- Build a foundation of emotional safety, respect, and connection
We at Hart Centre offer counselling for couples using evidence-based modalities, including the Gottman Method. You can reach us at 1800 956 937 or email to get matched with a therapist near you.
Additionally, you may want to explore relationship counselling and other modalities like emotionally focused therapy or cognitive behavioral couples therapy (CBCT) depending on your needs.
Julie Hart 
