What is Borderline Personality Disorder and how does it affect my relationship?

Author: Melinda

Borderline Personality Disorder in relationships

What is Borderline Personality Disorder and how does it affect my relationship?

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BPD can have an impact on your relationship

If you’re suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) you will usually experience your life as challenging, and your romantic relationships as intense, conflicted and not very stable.

The effects of BPD can have a huge impact on your relationship. It can be painful and extremely difficult for you and your partner to work out how to be close, as you can have a longing for intimacy and – at the same time – a concern about being dependent and being rejected1.

The thought process can be something like, “I want to be close but getting close feels risky, even dangerous”, so you can desperately want and ask for attention, and the next minute, feel like your partner is being too intrusive.

 This mix of fear about closeness and lack of closeness can be very confusing and painful for your partner, as he/she is left feeling as though he/she doesn’t know how to please you and doesn’t know how to get it right for you.

 

Do I, or does my partner have Borderline Personality Disorder?

Labels and diagnosis can be tricky and should always be tentative, when doing your own research. Sometimes, though, it can be helpful to have something to hang onto to know why you or your partner may be having mood swings and finding it difficult to cope when triggered in your relationship.

We all suffer from having trouble regulating emotions at times; however, if you know that this has been ongoing for you or your partner, it might be helpful to know more about this label and understand how you can improve the way you react to your partner if you suffer from BPD, or how to respond effectively if you think your partner may have traits of BPD.

 

12 signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder symptoms vary from person to person, but here are the common symptoms:

  • Having an unstable sense of self (how you feel about yourself can vary enormously)
  • Feeling isolated and empty
  • Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for a few hours or several days
  • Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression
  • Recurring suicidal thoughts or behaviours
  • Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviours, including reckless driving, drug or alcohol abuse and having unsafe sex
  • A difficulty feeling empathy for others
  • Difficulty controlling anger and temper towards people
  • Extremes between idealising and devaluing those you are close to
  • A persistent fear of being abandoned and rejected, including extreme emotional reactions to real and perceived abandonment
  • A history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate
  • Career plans, goals and aspirations that continually change

Many people experience one or more of these symptoms regularly, but a person with Borderline personality disorder will experience many of the symptoms consistently throughout adulthood.7

 

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

While the causes are not yet clear, research suggests that genetic factors and adverse life events seem to interact and lead to BPD. Those with BPD talk about experiencing many negative events (eg, trauma, neglect) during childhood3. They typically experience primal fears such as rejection and abandonment.

Many of the behaviours of BPD overlap with individuals who, as children, experience caregivers as both a source of safety and a source of violation, and therefore as adults, develop a fearful-avoidant attachment style leaving them cautious of close relationships. As Sue Johnson2 explains, such individuals have experienced being left in an impossible, paradoxical position and are now still caught in the mode of “Come here, I so need you – but go away, I can’t trust you.”

 

BPD individuals feel threat towards love and safety

As humans, we all need to feel a sense of love and safety. When we sense a threat, we automatically shift into a mode of protection. In one sense, we can all be manipulative – it’s in our nature to make things better for ourselves in order to survive. For someone with BDP that sense of threat can be triggered very easily and what has often been labelled as manipulation can be seen as a desperate attempt to cope with painful feelings or to get their needs met – without the aim of harming others4. As one individual with BDP expressed, “My days and thoughts are not consumed by plans of how to push which button in whom. My actions are about survival and preserving my identity; they are not some pre-planned sporting activity”4.

So much of the criteria for BPD fits with the dynamics of a couple where one or both individuals have experienced negative rearing environments as a child, with unpredictable outbursts of anger and demands for attention, while at the same time feeling smothered, as well as a profound sense of being unlovable.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is easily triggered

It’s understandable that growing up in an environment where your primary caregiver represented both safety and fear, would then make it extremely difficult as an adult to learn to trust and rely on an intimate partner. All of us have a window of tolerance – the range where we can think and feel at the same time –when under stress; however, for individuals with BPD that window of how much stress can be tolerated, without becoming reactive, is lot smaller, as they are easily triggered.

 

What it feels like to be a partner to a person with Borderline Personality Disorder

For your partner it can be very confusing to know what has caused your distress and how best to respond, often feeling blindsided by your reactions.

If you have BPD you will often resort to a range of behaviours to protect yourself like verbal abuse, perceived manipulation, and shutting down, all of which can shatter trust and intimacy within your relationship.

Your partner can then begin to feel unsafe, and no longer confident his or her deep feelings and innermost thoughts will be treated with love, concern and care. He or she will often walk on eggshells and hold back for fear of triggering you.

And if you swing between trying to cling to the relationship and then threatening to break up4, this puts further stress on your partner and strain on your relationship.

 

What to do if your relationship might be affected by BPD

While getting a diagnosis might seem like the best option, and there are times when it can certainly be helpful in order to obtain appropriate treatment, we should never rush to put a label on someone. It’s important to take into consideration the individual’s life, and to care for and support them in the best way possible.

When someone says that they or their partner suffers from BDP (whether they have certain traits or have been diagnosed) the most important factor to keep in mind is that it is potentially scary for them to be in close relationships, just like it can be as scary for anyone to not have their relationship.

As one individual diagnosed with BDP said, “When I was diagnosed, I think for me it gave me a sense of hope that I would get better. Unfortunately for me I shared my diagnosis with my ex and then everything went downhill from there because then everything that had been negative in our relationship was my fault.”5 Rather than get hung up on the diagnosis per se, it is useful to understand that in any relationship, both people bear responsibility for the way things are. When there are problems in relationships, both people need to work on them together.

 

How Couples Counselling can help Borderline Personality Disorder

Finding the balance between closeness and distance tends to be tricky in most relationships; however, it can be extremely hard when someone with BDP interprets their partner’s signals differently than they intended, to know how to respond to their partner’s (potentially over-the-top) reactions.

While we can all have moments of emotional outbursts, it can be helpful to identify when these are happening and work with a professional to help regulate your emotions and learn to respond rather than react, as reactions, aimed at protecting can unfortunately hinder closeness.

It can be very confusing and hard to know how to respond for most people when these moments of disconnection happen in relationships.

In couples therapy we can show you how to co-regulate with each other by identifying what triggers lead you to conflict and distance, how you are being perceived by each other, what your partner is truly longing for, and how you can appropriately meet each other’s needs.

Couples therapy can help couples to slow down and listen and understand their own feelings and needs, as well as the feelings and needs of their partner. With support and more understanding, partners can reduce the tension and fear in the relationship and build more safety and closeness together.

In addition to couples therapy, there are a number of well-established approaches to treatment of BDP, including Dialectal Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Trauma-Informed Stabilization Treatment and Schema Therapy.

DBT was developed by Dr Marsha Linehan who experienced her own struggle with BPD, and is a form of cognitive behavioural therapy that relates a person’s thinking to their behaviour.

There are four main skills taught in DBT6, including core mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. The self- soothing focus of DBT has intuitive appeal for sufferers and therapists alike.

Whether you opt for couples counselling or an individual therapist, BPD is considered very treatable, and with consistent treatment can help you live a happy life and enjoy a healthier more emotionally balanced relationship.

 

 

Resources

1Agrawal, H, Gunderson, J. Holmes, B & Lyons-Ruth, K. Attachment Studies with Borderline Patients: A Review. Harv Rev Psychiatry. 2004; 12(2): 94–104. https://doi.org/10.1080/10673220490447218

7Borderline personality disorder. National Institute of Mental Health. (December, 2017).

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

2Johnson,S. (2009). Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy for Individuals and Couples, Perfect Partners. In Obegi, J. & Berant,E. (Eds.)  Attachment Theory and Research in Clinical Work with Adults. (pp. 410-433). Guilford Press.  http://www.creatingconnections.nl/assets/files/Sue%20Johnson%20ObegiCh16.pdf.

3Leichsenring, F., Leibing, E., Kruse, J., New, A. & Leweke, F. Borderline personality disorder.  www.thelancet.com Vol 377 January 1, 2011.

4Mason, T., & Kreger, R. (2010). Stop walking on eggshells, Taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder. New Harbinger Publications.

5Ratner, R. (Director), Troemel, P., Sandieh, S., Gabrosek, A. & Ratner,R. (Producers). (2019). Borderline (a film). [Video recording]. Studio Comma. https://borderlinethefilm.com.

6Salters-Pedneault, K. Romantic Relationships Involving People With BPD. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-romantic-bpd-relationships-425217

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How Much Can You Trust Your Partner? (Trust and Loyalty = Counting on Each Other)

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In a relationship, trust is based on two distinct aspects:

Your own personal integrity as a person, and being there emotionally for your partner.

For each one of us, personal integrity is based on our willingness to do the right thing even when no one is watching. Are you this kind of person? Can you rely on yourself to come through in this way?

For couples, trust is about coming through for your partner. It’s something you both need to be able to count on: that in that moment your partner feels he (or she) most needs you, you’ll be there. Every time. And that your partner will be there for you in your moment of pain or crisis.

John Gottman’s recent research has shown without a shadow of a doubt that when relationships become distressed, the central missing ingredient is the ability to build and maintain this trust with one another. On this issue, there’s really no compromise. As human beings in relationship with others, trust is the most fundamental need we have — to know that when we’re in trouble, hurting, or having difficulties, that our partner will respond empathetically. That we’re not alone.

Many unhappy couples feel their partners simply can’t be counted on to “be there” for them in these essential moments. Emotional injuries from a lack of trust over time create a deep, wide gulf of emotional distance between them. This leads to eventual betrayal or the quiet dying of their love.

 

Trust Builds a Bond

On the other hand, for happier relationships where trust between the two is present or has built up over time, its emotional presence creates safety, security, and openness for both partners. It deepens their love beyond its first passionate infatuations. As years roll by and love matures, trust ripens to a sense of mutual nurturance and moral responsibility for building a life together. In healthy relationships, love and trust are intertwined, growing together to form a lasting and powerful bond.

 

What are the exact ingredients of trust between a couple?

Here they are, couched in questions so that each of you can ask yourself of each other, discuss, and see whether there are any elements you might need to work on.

 

1. The Trustworthiness of My Partner as a Person:

 

Can I count on you to be a truthful person?

Are you as you appear to be?

Do you keep promises you make, and follow through on what you say you’ll do?

Are you transparent as a person?

Are you secretive? Do you hide aspects of your life from me?

Are you a good person who treats other people kindly?

Do you show goodwill towards others?

 

2. Your Couple Trust and Loyalty:

 

Can I count on you to be there for me when I really need it?*

(*This is an incredibly important question. If the answer is NEVER or OCCASIONALLY, stop and discuss it together until you are clear what you need to change to make this happen.)

Do I come first in comparison to others or to your goals?

Do others (or other things) take priority over me?

Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?

Can I trust you to choose my interests over those of your parents?

Can I trust you to care more about our relationship than about just yourself?

Can I trust you to be home when you say you will be?

Can I trust you to be motivated to earn money and create wealth for our family?

Can I trust you not to follow up on other sexual interests you might have?

Can I trust you to keep me as your closest friend?

 

 

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When Was The Last Time You Had a Date Night?

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Couples who’ve been together for a long time can start to take their relationship for granted — staying together even as both partners work less and less to maintain their intimate connection as lovers.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Most of us want more closeness, excitement, and variety, but few of us take proactive steps to maintain or improve our love life with our partners.

And while some men have been conditioned not to be romantic, almost all women yearn for it, and will often feel far more open sexually if their partner still flatters them with some romance. For them, it’s how their man demonstrates to her how she is special to him. Whether yours is a traditional male/female or a same-sex partnership, keep an eye on how these traditional differences can play themselves out.

One excellent way to re-spark the connection and develop a lifetime romance is to prioritize a weekly “Date Night” that finds the two of you enjoying being together, without the usual trappings of children, family, electronic distractions, or talk of work. Date Nights are simply fun time spent together, the way it used to be when you first met.

If not weekly, Date Nights should happen at least once every two weeks. Put it on your calendar and take turns planning the night. You need not spend a lot of money; besides dinner and movies, here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Indoor picnic: Set up a picnic dinner on a rug on the floor with candles.
  • Surprise your partner with a pair of tickets to an interesting place or event
  • Sign up for dancing or another class together

If possible, start this week by planning and executing your first Date Night.

 

Suggested add-on for your Date night: The Art of Gentle Lighting…and a Foot Massage

You will need either a pair of pillar candles or a half-dozen tea lights. Place them on the bedside table or around the bedroom. Gentle candlelight works best, as it provides just enough soft light to see each other and into each other’s eyes without any glare.

In the gentle candlelight of the bedroom, take turns massaging each other’s feet. Attending to your partner’s feet makes them feel loved and cared for. Start with general overall light squeezes, using your whole hand with a gentle grasp. Then begin to work each area of your partner’s foot, paying particular attention to the arch and ball of the foot. Finish off with light gentle overall touch, and move to the next foot.

If you’re the massager, you don’t have to be an expert. Just move slowly and be intentional If you’re the massagee, make sure to relax into the pleasurable receiving of the massage. Give your partner clear and gentle feedback as to what feels good. Doing so will help them build their repertoire of what you enjoy.

 

 

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Do You Really Take Responsibility For Your Life?

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There’s probably not a person alive who hasn’t felt powerless at some time or another. Childhood experiences in which you didn’t have much (or any) control, dishonesty at the hands of another, plain bad luck — they’re all part of being a human being. And certainly many of us have experienced horrific life circumstances that in one way or another warranted our feeling victimized and powerless as well.

Yet for most of us, for most situations in our lives, power is actually something we do have, though sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge it.

Many couples are stuck in a power dynamic that keeps them from acknowledging their own individual strengths and potential. It happens a lot: Sometimes we’re convinced the other person is to blame for our unhappiness and, while it might be easier (and even momentarily comforting) to play the victim, blaming our partner for our own lack of power doesn’t feel good or serve us in the long run.

That’s because one simple truth — I am responsible for myself — sits at the core of creating the rewarding life we want. It’s the key to being happy with ourselves and creating happy relationships.

What’s Your Relationship Dynamic?

You’re heard it before: It takes two to tango. Cliché but true, it means that no matter what’s going on, both partners are contributing to every relationship. When yours isn’t going well, it’s easy to look at your partner and judge his or her contribution. “He’s not doing this!” “She’s doing that again!” And yet every relationship, good or bad, is always the result of a contribution from both partners — even if it’s as simple as one person putting up with behaviour from the other that shouldn’t be tolerated.

Actions don’t happen in a vacuum, though. In a relationship, our behaviour is always in constant interaction with our partner’s. Good or bad, it’s creates a constant feedback loop and, for certain problem patterns between partners, it’s normal for each person to be involved in their creation. Returning to our tango metaphor, think of two dancers performing a beautiful, complex dance: They’re creating the whole thing together with their own individual actions.relationship counselling

Excuses, Excuses

Relationships work the same way, and taking responsibility for one’s own actions is not only the decent thing to do, it’s also a great way to begin to effect powerful and positive changes for the whole relationship. Excuses that keep you from taking responsibility for yourself only prohibit the two of you from growing. Here are some of the most common ones:

• “I am doing the best I can.” Probably one of the most popular excuses, this one makes a mockery of being accountable and sets the bar very, very low as the standard for one’s behavior.

• “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” One of the classics among not-taking-responsibility-for-yourself excuses. If you didn’t mean to hurt the other person, what exactly did you mean when you did it? (And when you did, were you really doing the best you could?)

• “I’ll try.” Really? Trying is far from a wholehearted undertaking. It’s inherently partial, and almost always falls short of its intended actions. “Trying” is often heavy with talk and light on action. It usually means you’re resisting something about taking committed action — and it’s worth getting to the bottom of what exactly that resistance might be.

• “I won’t confront you because I don’t want to hurt you.” While this excuse sounds admirable on the surface, it’s actuality less about sparing your partner pain than it is about directly facing your own. In time, this excuse can actually hurt your partner (and your relationship) more than directly disclosing what’s bothering you right now.

Do any of these excuses sound familiar? Have you used any yourself?

Here’s some other questions you may want to think about.

In My Life in General:

In what areas of my life do I feel I’m a victim?

In those areas, what resentment do I feel?

Whom do I blame?

When I connect with this feeling of resentment and blame, does it feel heavy or light?

How can I reframe this situation and understand that I have more power?

How does it feel to know I have some real power and choices? Scary? Exciting?

In Our Relationship:

Do I take responsibility for my contribution to problems we might have?

Do I tend to blame you?

Do I feel that you take responsibility for your contributions to the problems we have in our relationship?

Do I feel you blame me?

Do I make excuses for taking responsibility for myself in our relationship?

Do I feel you make excuses for taking responsibility for yourself in our relationship?

 

 

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How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

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Research by the Gottman Institute has proven that how much you know about your partner —and the amount of interest you show in learning it — are two essential factors in creating a high-quality relationship. You might already know the answer to the following questions, or you might not. Either way, asking and getting the answers will give you an opportunity to assess how much you know about your partner…and how much they know about you.

Start by focusing on one of you first, asking and answering all 15, then switch to the other.

  1. What has been your partner’s biggest highlight of his or her life so far?
  2. What stresses is he or she facing at the moment and in the immediate future?
  3. What has been your partner’s favorite birthday celebration so far in his or her life?
  4. What has been your partner’s best sexual experience the two of you have shared?
  5. What has been your partner’s favorite birthday gift you have given him or her?
  6. What life experience has your partner learned the most from?
  7. What is your partner’s favorite way to spend an evening?
  8. What personal improvements does he or she want to make in his or her life?
  9. What is your partner’s favorite way of being soothed?
  10. What are a few important events coming up in your partner’s life, and how does he or she feel about them?
  11. What is your partner’s biggest fear?
  12. What job would be an ideal one for your partner?
  13. What is your partner’s worst childhood experience?
  14. What is your partner’s favorite vacation destination?
  15. What is your partner’s biggest dream for the future?

Remember: These are great conversation starters — you can always ask even more questions and get to know your partner even better!

 

 

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Connection Rituals To Help Keep The Spark In Your Relationship

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Shared rituals both large and small play an incredibly important part in each partner’s sense that the relationship is safe and supportive. They also give the relationship a sense of continuity, along with a regular sense of connection that stays intact even in the face of the busy-ness of everyday life. They also give both partners something to look forward to.

Anything can be a connection ritual as long as it’s important to both of you: A particular kind of exercise, a favorite TV show, even a household chore done together — the most important thing about having rituals is that they’re important to both of you.

Following are some rituals, both informal and formal, that I invite you to discuss with each other.

Are any of these worth adopting? Being aware of (and guarding) your connection rituals is a powerful ingredient in sustaining a good relationship.

 

Normal Life Rituals

Mealtimes:

Regularly eat at least one meal a day together, with cell phones and TV turned off, in order to easily talk with each other or with the family.

When leaving the house:

Always find your partner and give him or her a kiss, making sure you know at least one thing he or she will be doing while you’re away.

When arriving home:

Always make sure to find your partner and give him or her a long and loving kiss. Do this before you do anything else.

Talk time each night:

This is a high-priority ritual: Make sure to spend time every evening sitting and talking to one another about your day, sharing what you’re thinking and feeling, and catching up on family news. It can be helpful to meet in the same place.

Bedtime:

It’s important to spend at least a few minutes cuddling and kissing in bed. If one of you goes to bed earlier than the other, do this then.

Date Nights:

Especially if you have children, it’s crucial for the two of you to schedule (and protect) a regular Date Night — preferably once a week, but at a minimum once every two or three weeks. It allows you to escape your everyday responsibilities and create romantic and special “couple time” together. Date Nights don’t have to be expensive — a picnic on a blanket under the moonlight costs no more than a meal at home. Take turns organizing these.

Weekends away:

A regular romantic weekend, even if it’s once every few months, is a powerful, relaxing connection ritual. Again, it need not be expensive; take turns planning them.

 

Special Circumstance Rituals

When one of you is sick:

For most couples, how their partner cares for them when they’re sick or feeling vulnerable is important. Are you someone who likes a lot of attention, or do you prefer being left alone? Talking through this in advance allows you to best provide for each other when the time comes.

Celebrations:

A promotion, a milestone, a personal goal: When one of you has achieved success, how do you celebrate it? Do you create a culture of praise for and with each other and your family?

Bad luck, failures, or exhaustion:

How do you support one another when one of you is stressed out, exhausted, or experiencing failure? Do you acknowledge his or her difficulty? Does the other step up and carry more of the load? (There are no right or wrong answers to these questions.) How do each of you prefer to be supported in tough times?

Entertaining:

Do you have an agreement and a divided workload for entertaining visitors? Who cooks? Who cleans? What do you do together? How often do you entertain? How late does it go? Do you clean up at night or in the morning? Do you wait for each other to go to bed, or not? What do each of your prefer?

Keeping in touch with friends and family:

Do you have particular rituals around staying in touch with friends and family? Who contacts whom? How long between catch-ups? Do you do the same routine each time or change it up?

Making love:

With the daily schedules of life (and particularly with children), making time to make love can be difficult, particularly if you believe sex and lovemaking should be spontaneous. Research has shown that you’ll have a better sex life if you make love regularly, so it can be a good idea to plan a “sex date” together at least one night a week. For many couples, this can often coincide with Date Night; for others, late afternoon on the weekend might be a better time.

Vacations:

How do you take vacations as a couple? Who comes up with the idea? Who organizes the details? Do you always travel together, or do you sometimes go places alone? Do the two of you prefer active or relaxing holidays, or some of both? Is it okay to work on vacation? Do each of you have time to “do your own thing”?

Birthdays and anniversaries:

How do you celebrate these important events? For the two of you as a couple, what’s the norm (and the budget) for of gift-giving, going out, and trips away? Are there particularly special ones to acknowledge? Would you like these celebrations to be different in any way?

 

 

 

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Psychologist Interview (Relationship Counselling Perth)

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psychologist perthThis registered Hart Clinical Psychologist is a registered provider with Medicare, and provides marriage and relationship counselling Perth. She is experienced in working with children, adolescents, adults and couples.

To read more or view her psychologist profile, click here. 

 

1. What do you find are the most common relationship problems that you see in couples coming to see you?

 

There are many common relationship problems that couples present to me with.  Sometimes infidelity may be an issue, or even the threat of infidelity where there has been communication where one partner may perceive the person their partner is communicating with as a threat.  Also I see a lot of couples where they are having problems navigating the demands of parenthood.  At times there is also post-natal depression involved.  Sexual differences in relation to libido is also a big issue that I see with couples, especially where the females libido is much lower than the males.  I also see couples where they have engaged in their late teenage years and by their late 20’s their values are very different, both partners have “grown up” so to speak and are no longer on the same page when it comes to their values.  Couples where one partner believes the other partner has narcissistic characteristics is also common, as well as women engaging following their break up with their partner due to narcissistic characteristics.  Couples presenting with either one partner or both partners where there is a mental illness is also a common presentation.

 

2. What would you like couple clients to know about the couple counselling process before they come in?

 

It is quite common for the first session to be anxiety provoking.  It takes a lot of courage to go and see a stranger and talk about deep relationship issues.  Generally by the end of the first session some positive rapport has been established to be able to continue with the process.  There are many techniques that can be used to help improve the couple relationship.  It is also important to note that Psychologists are trained to not take sides when it comes to couples counselling.  This is often a genuine fear for individuals attending relationship counselling.

 

 

3. If you had one word of advice for couples with children, what would it be?

 

I’m not sure about one word, however I think the most valuable advice for couples with children is to regularly take quality time out as a couple in order to stay connected, and to be prepared to support each other through the parenthood journey.

 

4. What advice would you give to couples trying to rebuild their relationship after an affair?

 

I believe the most important advice is to engage with a qualified Psychologist who is able to help you rebuild the relationship.  A Psychologist can help you both move past the affair by examining the factors that motivated one partner to be unfaithful.  They can also provide techniques for trust to be restored back to the relationship.  Couples counselling can help both partners become aware of and take responsibility of the part that each of them played in the affair taking place.

 

5. What proportion of your couple clients manage, with your help, to successfully recreate a happy relationship from the difficult one that they came in with?

 

I would say that about 75% to 85% of couples who come in for counselling manage to successfully recreate a happy relationship.  I have had many clients years later re-engage with me due to a hiccup in their relationship.  It is wonderful to see these clients again and to know that they were able to manage and move on from their difficulties.

 

6. What do you find is the most satisfying and fulfilling part of this work that you do?

In today’s society where family breakdown creates devastating consequences, I am grateful that I am in a position to be able to help and support individuals to work through their relationship issues successfully so that the family unit is strong, especially for the children of these families.

 

If you would like to make a booking with her or any other of our psychologists, you are welcome to fill out an enquiry form here, or call our friendly receptionists on 1300 830 552.

 

 

 

OUR MAJOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LOCATIONS:

See all of our Relationship Counselling Melbourne locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Brisbane locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Perth locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Adelaide locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Canberra locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Sydney locations.

Are you a Phubber (Phubbing = partner phone snubbing)?

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With the rise of smart phones and social media, phubbing is now rife throughout the world.

You don’t need to travel far to see it in action; at your local restaurant, in the car next to yours on the highway, at a friend’s birthday BBQ, or even simply walking down the street. In greater numbers, people are ignoring the partner, friends or family they’re with, in favour of interaction with their mobile phone.

The new term ‘Pphubbing’ or ‘Phubbing’ means when you are with your partner (or a friend), using or responding to your phone as the priority, instead of them.

According to studies in US and UK, on average we check our phones every 4 to 6 mins of our waking hours (over 150 times a day).

For tech companies like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and TikTok- it pays to have your attention as often as possible. Companies are deliberately creating tech and apps with as much digital addiction as possible, because it is one of the most important components to making their companies thrive.

What happens when you get a message, a request or a like? We’re wired to be seduced by the neurochemical hit (of dopamine) of this constant connection at a safe distance; “who else wants to connect with you, the number of likes you’ve got, another funny story to read, the excitement of something new”. Due to this, it can easily be what you do with your spare time.

So, it’s not much of a jump from that to also continuing to do so when you are with your partner, instead of using this time as an opportunity to connect with him or her, the real person right in front of you, who I am assuming is the most important person (or one of the most important people) in your life.

Depending on the degree you do it, and your ability to stop it, it can become addictive behaviour.

 

You know you are a phubber if you:

  • Have your phone out and close to you when you are with your partner, at all times
  • You keep your conversations with your partner short because your attention is more focussed on what is on your phone
  • You break your attention from the conversation you are having with your partner to look at or respond to your phone
  • You check your phone when there is a lull in the conversation
  • If you are watching tv together, you look at your phone when there is an ad break
  • You take a call that is not urgent when you are having quality time with your partner

 

The impact on your relationship:

  • This seriously undermines the quality of your relationship. It sends a strong (implicit) message to your partner that he or she is not as important to you as your phone / these other people. There is never a time that you will put him or her ahead of everything else.
  • The anticipation of being disrupted actually changes what you choose to talk about, and how deeply you will talk about it. It keeps you more on surface level topics. You feel less safe to share more important or emotional things as these kinds of topics need a safe and undisturbed environment to be dealt with adequately.

 

Our Relationship satisfaction is due to the following 3 connection factors:

  • Accessability – you are both open and listen to each other
  • Responsiveness – you both empathise and try and understand how the other feels – he or she “gets” you
  • Engagement – You both often make time to be fully present with each other (give each other your full attention)

As you can see, constantly checking your phone while you are with your partner interferes with all of these three elements of relationship satisfaction.

A recent Study by Meredith David and James Roberts (Baylor Uni 2016) showed that 70 % of the 145 people they studied said that phubbing interfered with and hurt their relationship, and caused significant conflict between them over the use of phones. This made them less satisfied with their relationship as a whole.

 

Advice to phubbers:

My suggestion to you if you have noticed that you are in fact a phubber, is to be willing to create a shared rule about a phone free time for an hour a day quality time just for the two of you, plus time in bed.

Also, if you have a family, make dinner time and car time (when you are together) a phone free time.

 

Advice to phubbees:

If you find yourself with a phubber, I suggest you have a talk with your partner about how it is a real thing that is having a damaging effect on your relationship, that you are not happy about. Hopefully he or she will be willing to set some shared rules about phone free time. If not, you might need to take them for a visit to a relationship Psychologist.

Your relationship will thank you.

Psychologist Interview with Melanie (Relationship Counselling Sydney)

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marriage counselling sydneyMelanie has worked as a registered Psychologist for over 12 years, in a variety of public and private settings and provides marriage and relationship counselling Sydney. She particularly loves working with couples and families, as she feels that having healthy relationships is essential to our overall happiness.

  1. What has made you interested in helping couples with their relationships?
    I started my career working as a school counsellor, seeing children and adolescents, but also working with their families. I realised here how important the foundation of the parent relationship is in a family. It doesn’t really matter how many activities your kids are involved in, how many holidays you take them on, what laptop you buy them, couples who nurture their own relationship are stronger to ‘run’ the family, set a good example for their children and give their children a sense of stability and security. So after working in schools for a little while I wanted to impact families from another angle by working directly with couples. The experience of working with couples was more satisfying than I could have imagined. To learn and see that people can develop themselves and heal from past emotional wounds through the context of a supportive relationship made the work even more meaningful.
  2. What do you find are the most common relationships problems that you see in couples coming in to see you?
    Since I have specialised in sex therapy (I still work with couples for other problems too), I am getting an increased number of clients who are coming in for these issues. Quite often they are issues of mismatched libidos, or a change in the sexual dynamic or relationship that is difficult to understand. Sometimes it surprises me how long couples wait to get help when it is about sex but it is also understandable because it can be challenging to talk about your sex life with a complete stranger. My advice is to come in early because preventative work is a lot easier and more successful than dealing with something that has been there for many years. Issues in the sexual side of the relationship can be a reflection of issues in other parts of the relationship but sometimes it is purely about the physiology and biology of sex and this needs to be addressed directly and so it isn’t necessarily a reflection of the relationship generally.
  1. What are the most common problems for women and for men in relationships?
    To answer this question, I have to make some generalisations because gender roles and gender issues in relationships are really shifting. One thing in relation to this issue both men and women must deal with is that we can’t rely on societal ideas of what women or men are supposed to do or be like in a relationship. This means that all aspects of a relationship need to be discussed and negotiated eg who does the what domestic jobs, how do you parent together, who is the organiser and who is the doer etc. This means that couples need good communication skills to be able to do this and can’t make assumptions. If one assumes that their partner will be responsible for a particular task and then they don’t do it this can lead to all sorts of problems. For women, they can feel like they are being unfairly burdened with the domestic jobs or have unrealistic expectations of what their partner should do and men can feel like things are being expected of them outside of the ‘contract’ of their relationship or alternatively that their partner is not competent in doing the things that are their responsibility. We are living in exciting times as we are moving closer to gender equality which means that each couple can decide how to structure their relationship- this can be based on traditional gender roles or completely different and unique to the couple- but it all has to be negotiated explicitly.
  1. What are the most common problems for men in relationships?
    See about to answer both questions- I’ve edited the question to include both men and women. Relationship counselling Sydney.
  1. What would you like couple clients to know about the couple counselling process before they come in?
    Before couples come in to counselling I would like them to know that part of the process taking the counselling home. It is just as important what they do in between sessions to create change as it is what happens in session, if not more. So, at the beginning all the challenging or important things might happen in session but unless this is transferred to day to day life at home then there can’t be any sustainable change.
  1. What has been the couple you remember who has made the biggest turnaround, from being in severe trouble to transforming their relationship into a happy loving one?
    One couple who really stands out for me is a couple who were in the early years of their marriage and had just had their first child. In their first few sessions their resentment and hurt toward one another created a heavy feeling in the room as they sat as far away from one another on the couch in my office. They blamed each other for every unhappiness in their lives even though they told me the beautiful story of love at first sight when they met. Slowly as we worked through things they began to hear what the other was hurt about, they stopped personalising it and hearing it as a criticism and each of them began to see the things that they could change to make the relationship better. They were sitting closer to each other on the couch and reaching out to comfort one another if they became emotional in session. It was so beautiful to watch this change and shift. They now have 3 beautiful children and I occasionally have some of their friends coming in for counselling on their recommendation and comment of how much it changed their lives. As therapists, we don’t often hear about what happens to our couples after they finish counselling but it has been nice in this instance to hear that this couple is going strong.
  1. What, for you, are the most important things that couples need to remember if they want their relationship to thrive, instead of just survive?
    The most important things for a relationship are respect, time and fun and a sense of humour. I was once told that the word respect could be seen as re- again; spect- to look – so to look at again. This is what I mean by respect- look at it again, notice things that are happening, give it attention, even look at it with fresh eyes from time to time. Giving it this time and attention is the respect necessary to keep your finger on the pulse of the relationship. We monitor everything else that is important for us in our lives- our work or study progress, our health, our children- why is the relationship any different?
    This leads to the importance of time. If we don’t spend time on the relationship then there is no chance for it to thrive. I often see that couples with children don’t differentiate between family time and couple time. These are two very different things. Taking the family to the beach is a different experience to going to your favourite couple restaurant and spending time to know what is going on in your partner’s internal world.
    Lastly fun and a sense of humour. This is an important ingredient in day to day life. It can be so challenging to have this appear in a day when there is so much rushing around, dealing with work deadlines, sick children, the mundaneness of housekeeping but this is exactly where it is important. Fun doesn’t have to happen only on a day the family has a day out at Luna Park, it is an attitude driven by the idea that this family loves each other, cares for each other and the most important thing is that everyone is happy and healthy. With this filter, you can choose to let certain inconsequential conflicts slide for the greater good of the relationship and laugh off one another’s shortcomings.
  1. What do you find is the most satisfying and fulfilling part of this work that you do?
    The most satisfying part of my work is when couples make the big leap from finger pointing to taking responsibility for their own behaviour. This creates a magical shift in counselling after which time so much change and growth is possible. It is from this position that relationships can thrive or alternatively individuals can have a really clear understanding of whether they still want to be in the current relationship. Blaming really blinds us to what is really going on.
  1. What are 3 qualities that your friends and family would describe you as having?
    I became a psychologist because I was the one that my friends and family would naturally go to for an ear to listen or some advice. They suggested that I would be a good therapist and it got me thinking about a career in this field when I was still in high school. They would describe me as really patient, caring and having a calming nature. I’m glad I listened to their advice in this because I really love my work. Relationship counselling Sydney.
  1. How many years’ experience do you have practicing/helping clients?
    I have been working as a psychologist for 15 years now. The more I work with couples the more I feel like I learn about the way people do relationships differently and how powerful a relationship can be in supporting change and healing in one’s individual life as well. This isn’t just about someone being there for you to be able to heal. It is quite often in the way we replay and relive patterns through our romantic relationships that help us recover from our old narratives and experiences. That is why I feel the work that is done through relationship counselling can be so powerful. Relationship counselling Sydney.

 

If you would like to make a booking with Deborah or any other of our psychologists, you are welcome to fill out an enquiry form here, or call our friendly receptionists on 1300 830 552.

 

 

 

OUR MAJOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LOCATIONS:

See all of our Relationship Counselling Melbourne locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Brisbane locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Perth locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Adelaide locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Canberra locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Sydney locations.

Psychologist Interview (Relationship Counselling Sydney)

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relationship counselling sydneyThis Hart psychologist is a registered psychologist and provides marriage and relationship counselling Sydney. She has worked for over 15 years in the private and public sector including education, rehabilitation and private practice.

To read more or view her psychologist profile, click here.  Relationship counselling Sydney.

 

  1. What do you find are the most common relationships problems that you see in couples coming in to see you?
    The most common relationship problems in my practise centre around communication, trust, conflict and intimacy.
    At the heart of many issues is communication: it can diminish intimacy, create conflict and compromise trust. A focus on effective communication can be key to understanding one another’s reality and to find safety to discuss issues knowing that the other may not like what is said but each are able to turn towards one another and feel safe to share what is important. Teaching one another about self but also taking the time to be a good student to learn.
    Becoming aware of negative emotional patterns and dynamics within relationships is another key area. These patterns may arise from our past disappointments and experiences and how we try to get these needs met in our current relationship and in doing so, place a lot of expectations upon our partner.
  2. What are the most common problems for women and for men in relationships?
    Common issues for women in relationships include intimacy, both physical and emotional, lack of communication or unhealthy communication and conflict style, not feeling a priority in the relationship be it around chores, work or children or in general. Other major issues revolve around trust and honesty, lack of commitment or progression in a relationship as well as unmet needs. As well, recurrent unhealthy dynamics created within the relationship or brought from past experiences.
  3. What are the most common problems for men in relationships?
    Common issues for men in relationships in my practice are not so dissimilar to issues for women. Be it a loss of connection or intimacy, lack of desire for their partner or vice versa is a common presentation as is communication difficulties, more specifically around withdrawal, feeling judged or attacked or criticised. An inability to manage conflict in a healthy manner is another as well understanding what the other person in the relationship needs and how to meet those needs.
  4. What would you like couple clients to know about the couple counselling process before they come in?
    Understand that each person has an opportunity to share their perspective around issues that have brought them to seek counselling and that the aim is to create a non-judgemental, safe environment to talk and be honest without fear of shame, blame, judgment or who is right or wrong. It can be perfectly normal to feel nervous and uncomfortable speaking about very private and intimate issues to someone you have never met before. The aim is to create a safe space to work through concerns.
    It can be helpful to prepare some notes around issues you wish to discuss.
  5. What, for you, are the most important things that couples need to remember if they want their relationship to thrive, instead of just survive?
    Children bring many rewards but can also place strains on a relationship, be it as parents of young children or navigating the demands of teenagers. Open communication with listening, healthy conflict management as well as being aligned is important for this next phase of your relationship. Try and make couple time a priority in a time constrained environment as connection can be compromised with all the demands of parenting.
  6. What do you find is the most satisfying and fulfilling part of this work that you do?
    What I find most fulfilling and satisfying is being with my clients in an environment that allows them to move forward and work through their issues and along the way develop self-awareness, self-reflection, embrace change as a positive not as a negative, to be able to reframe to see things from another perspective and to not fear vulnerability. And generally, assist individuals and couples through challenging times to get to a place that works for them in a healthy way.
  7. What are 3 qualities that your friends and family would describe you as having?
    My friends and family would describe me as being kind, patient and trustworthy with a sprinkle of humour!
  8. What are three strengths you have as a psychologist?
    Three strengths I believe I possess are assisting clients to think about things in a different way, an ability to engage and relate with individuals in a warm and empathic manner and to help create understanding and acceptance through a non-judgmental and respectful space.
  9. How many years’ experience do you have practicing/helping clients?
    Over 20 years of experience working with many different client groups including adolescents, adults, couples, LGBT, people from diverse cultural backgrounds as well as individuals with disabilities has created exposure to a very broad range of issues which has been an asset to my practise as a Psychologist to date. It is always a privilege to work with my clients, to have their trust, to hear their stories and to learn from them as much as I hope they learn from me.

 

If you would like to make a booking with her or any other of our psychologists, you are welcome to fill out an enquiry form here, or call our friendly receptionists on 1300 830 552.

 

 

 

OUR MAJOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING LOCATIONS:

See all of our Relationship Counselling Melbourne locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Brisbane locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Perth locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Adelaide locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Canberra locations.

See all of our Relationship Counselling Sydney locations.