Why Relationships Go Wrong

Relationships can be the most rewarding and most frustrating areas of our lives. Very few of us have been shown how to have a good relationship. It is not surprising, then, that sooner or later problems surface. Even though your intentions are good, you often lack the knowledge and insight into what has happened and how you have got into such a stuck place.

If you have been experiencing difficulties in your relationship for some time, and trying what you know to improve things, it can be easy to begin to feel hopeless, and helpless.

While most people find it easy to see how their partner is contributing to the problems, it’s not so easy to see how you are.

Most of us begin a relationship hoping that all our emotional needs will be met by our partner. It’s the stuff dreams are made of. That’s our natural narcissism.

This is inevitably followed by disappointment, as we discover this is not and will not be the case. Ultimately, our relationship shows us, often through pain, what we need to develop in ourselves first and foremost before we can truly love our partner.

From my study of Relationships over many years, I have discovered that there seem to be 4 key factors that form the core of why our relationships can go awry.

1. Your relationship with yourself.

Interestingly, your relationship with your partner has more to do with your relationship with yourself than anything else. That doesn’t mean how self-centered or selfish you are. It refers to your level of self-esteem, solid sense of self, or differentiation.

How do you know if you have a good relationship with yourself, or are psychologically mature?

• You have a clear and solid sense of yourself (you change your beliefs from within, not by coercion)
• You are responsible for yourself, your life, and your emotions (you are not a victim)
• You know your boundaries and you don’t let your partner violate them and control you in any way
• You are aware of, and let go of, any controlling, manipulating or coercion of your partner.
• You let go of expecting your partner to meet all your emotional needs ( your narcissism)
• You know what you need and can take care of your own needs
• You know what you want in your relationship.
• You know what you will and won’t tolerate in your relationship.
• You hold dear and take a stand for what you want
• You are aware of your emotions and take responsibility for them
• You don’t argue or over-react.
• You are willing to tolerate discomfort for growth

The better the relationship you can develop with yourself, the more you can love your partner, and the more passionate and desiring you are of him/her. This is desire out of fullness, rather than out of need.

And in your relationship:

• You love and respect your partner as different from you
• You openly share how you think and feel (even if he/she doesn’t validate you)
• You listen and want to understand your partner
• You want to share your life with your partner
• You see your partner for who he/she is.
• You desire your partner sexually out of fullness, rather than need
• You feel free to be yourself with your partner

Many people lack a strong relationship with themselves. Insecurity often leads to controlling your partner or letting them control you, fueling conflict and intimacy issues.

Building a happy, vibrant relationship starts with recognizing when you control your partner (and letting go) or when you allow control (and standing up for yourself).

Communication is a common area where control shows—consider how your communication may have been controlling recently.

• Pressure to change – tell partner that he/she is wrong/how to behave or my way is the right way
• Attacks, put downs, criticisms
• Annihilate, unsettle, undermine, deliberately confuse
• Frighten with displays of anger and rage
• Blame and complain
• Ask for something and expect to get
• Manipulate through guilt
• Rescue, fix, sooth
• Judge
• Be dismissive
• Give with strings attached
• Be arrogant and contemptuous
• Be pushy
• Use threats

Or the more subtle ones:

• Withdraw
• Shut down
• Reject
• Be precious, over-react
• Be stubborn
• Procrastinate

To have the best relationship you can have with yourself, you can ask yourself:

• Am I prepared to stop my controlling ways?
• What ways am I being controlled by my partner? Is he/she prepared to stop them?
• How do I “get my partner back” for his/her controlling me?
• To what extent am I looking after my own needs?
• What would I like to be different in our relationship?
• Am I closing down sexually? If so, why?

2. Your Personality Type

Understanding your personality type in more depth can give you a huge insight into how you are contributing to the problems you are experiencing.

I have found the Enneagram with its 9 types offers both a brief and in-depth insight into your strengths and also your limitations. It helps you understand your partner in a whole new way, see why you sometimes try to control them, or allow yourself to be controlled. We all have our individual desires and personal identity, our interests, thoughts, feeling and views, and the need to exercise our will to make our life happen in the way we desire it.

If you’d like to understand more about both your personality and your partner’s, and how they interact, as well as how you can bring out the best in each other, we have therefore designed some special sessions, available in-house, by phone, or online.

3. Knowing and managing your emotions and communication.

All poor communication is created because very few people really know what’s going on inside them emotionally.

This lack of awareness unwittingly leads you to acting out defensive patterns on your partner and others. So, it can be helpful to become more aware of, and manage well, your emotions, sharing them with your partner when appropriate.

We humans have a fundamental need for emotional connection and a fear of losing it. We want to feel emotionally safe with each other, and know we can depend on our partner, that he/she is there for us, that they will respond when you call, and that you matter to them, and are valued and are accepted by them.

From my experience counselling 1000s of couples in relationship counselling, relationship and marriage problems arise when we experience either or both of the following:

1. Loss of our self, or the full expression of our self, or
2. Emotional disconnection from our partner

We have developed a simple process which can have you managing your inner states and communicating well with your partner with just a little practice. Give us a ring and make an appointment if you would like help with your communication and emotional connection with your partner. We have 70 Relationship Psychologists across Australia. One near you.

4. The Masculine/Feminine difference.

It’s the subject of more jokes than any other topic. It is true that, in many ways, the male and female brain are wired differently, and we can be thankful of that because the magnetic attraction you feel for each other gives your relationship juice and vibrancy, along with bringing a breadth to your relationship.

Actually, we all have some masculine and feminine in us, but most people find that, in essence, they are predominately one or the other.

Here are some of the differences:

A strong relationship thrives when you honor and value each other’s unique gifts. A wise man appreciates his wife’s love and emotional depth, and a wise woman values her partner’s strength and guidance.

Why put in the effort in your relationship?

Through your continued efforts in working through your relationship problems and conflicts, you grow your own psychological maturity.

If both of you can do this, you can develop a relationship with your partner of true equality, mutual respect, equal energy exchange and input, and equal willingness to grow, where renewed romance, intimacy and playful sexuality abound.
Couples who have achieved this kind of relationship overwhelmingly feel that it was well worth the ride to get there.

The fact that you have taken the time to understand and address your relationship issues, and along with a willingness to try new things, means that you have a high chance of successfully re-creating your relationship anew, and often one that is better than you have ever had before.

It is our privilege to help you in your process.

If you would like help in assessing your relationship and what might be causing your relationship difficulties, please call us or check search our psychologists from the right-hand bar. Relationships are our specialty, and we would love to help you.

Julie Hart