4 Core Causes Why Relationships Go Wrong and How to Fix Them

Most relationships don’t fall apart because of one big betrayal. They erode slowly, through a loss of self, unmanaged emotions, and a breakdown in how partners understand each other. In my 20+ years counselling couples, I’ve found the trouble almost always traces back to four core factors: your relationship with yourself, your personality type, how you manage emotions and communication, and the natural differences between partners. The good news is that all four are things you can actually work on.

Very few of us were ever taught how to have a good relationship. So when problems surface, even with good intentions, it’s easy to feel stuck, hopeless, and unsure why. It’s also far easier to see how your partner is contributing to the problem than to see your own part in it.

Most of us start a relationship hoping our partner will meet all our emotional needs. That’s natural, and it’s also a kind of natural narcissism.. Disappointment follows when we discover that’s not realistic, and often, it’s that very disappointment that shows us what we still need to develop in ourselves before we can fully love someone else.

1. Your Relationship With Yourself

Your relationship with your partner has more to do with your relationship with yourself than almost anything else. This isn’t about being self-centred, it’s about your self-esteem and what therapists call differentiation: how solid your sense of self stays, even when close to someone else.

This concept comes from Bowen family systems theory, and there’s real research behind it. Studies consistently link higher differentiation of self to greater relationship and marital satisfaction, better emotional regulation, and even increased intimacy and sexual desire between partners.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship With Yourself

• You have a clear and solid sense of yourself (you change your beliefs from within, not by coercion)
• You are responsible for yourself, your life, and your emotions (you are not a victim)
• You know your boundaries and you don’t let your partner violate them and control you in any way
• You are aware of, and let go of, any controlling, manipulating or coercion of your partner.
• You let go of expecting your partner to meet all your emotional needs (your narcissism)
• You know what you need and can take care of your own needs
• You know what you want in your relationship.
• You know what you will and won’t tolerate in your relationship.
• You hold dear and take a stand for what you want
• You are aware of your emotions and take responsibility for them
• You don’t argue or over-react.
• You are willing to tolerate discomfort for growth

The stronger your relationship with yourself, the more freely and passionately you can love your partner, out of fullness rather than need.

How This Shows Up in the Relationship Itself

• You love and respect your partner as different from you
• You share how you think and feel, even when it isn’t validated back
• You listen to actually understand, not just to respond
• You feel free to be fully yourself around your partner
• You want to share your life with your partner
• You see your partner for who he/she is.
• You desire your partner sexually out of fullness, rather than need
• You feel free to be yourself with your partner

Control Is Often the Hidden Signal

Insecurity in either partner often shows up as control, either controlling your partner or allowing yourself to be controlled. This fuels both conflict and intimacy problems. Watch for these patterns in your communication:

• Pressuring your partner to change, or insisting your way is the right way
• Criticism, put-downs, blame
• Annihilate, unsettle, undermine, deliberately confuse
• Frighten with displays of anger and rage
• Blame and complain
• Ask for something and expect to get
• Manipulate through guilt
• Rescue, fix, sooth
• Judge
• Be dismissive
• Give with strings attached
• Be arrogant and contemptuous
• Be pushy
• Use threats

Or the more subtle ones:

• Withdraw
• Shut down
• Reject
• Be precious, over-react
• Be stubborn
• Procrastinate

To have the best relationship you can have with yourself, you can ask yourself:

• Am I prepared to stop my controlling ways?
• What ways am I being controlled by my partner? Is he/she prepared to stop them?
• How do I “get my partner back” for his/her controlling me?
• To what extent am I looking after my own needs?
• What would I like to be different in our relationship?
• Am I closing down sexually? If so, why?Recognising when you’re doing the controlling, and when you’re the one allowing it, is often the real starting point for change.

2. Your Personality Type

Understanding your own personality patterns gives real insight into how you contribute to relationship problems, not just how your partner does. I’ve found the Enneagram, with its nine types, particularly useful here. It helps explain why you might try to control your partner, or why you let yourself be controlled, and it opens up a much deeper understanding of both your own identity and your partner’s.

3. Knowing and Managing Your Emotions and Communication

Almost all poor communication comes down to one thing: not really knowing what’s happening inside you emotionally. That lack of awareness leads people to unconsciously act out defensive patterns on their partner.

We have a fundamental need for emotional connection, and an equally fundamental fear of losing it. We want to feel safe with our partner, to know they’ll be there, that we matter to them, and that we’re accepted.

In my experience counselling thousands of couples, relationship problems consistently trace back to one or both of these:

1. A loss of self, or the full expression of self
2. Emotional disconnection from the partner

This isn’t just clinical opinion. Gottman Institute research, built on four decades of studying thousands of couples, has found that a couple’s sense of “we-ness” and how they turn toward each other’s small bids for connection are among the strongest predictors of whether a relationship lasts.

4. The Differences Between Partners

Much of the tension in relationships comes down to real, wired-in differences in how each partner responds to stress and connection. These differences don’t map perfectly onto gender, plenty of people carry both patterns, and this shows up in relationships of every kind, not only heterosexual ones. But most people find they lean predominantly toward one style.

A relationship thrives when both partners genuinely value the other’s way of moving through the world, rather than expecting them to operate like a mirror of themselves.

Why Put In the Effort?

Working through relationship problems, honestly and with real self-reflection, grows your own psychological maturity. When both partners commit to that work, you build something rare: real equality, mutual respect, and a relationship where romance, intimacy, and playfulness can keep growing rather than fading.

The fact that you’ve taken the time to read this and understand what’s happening means you already have a strong chance of rebuilding your relationship, often into something better than it’s ever been.

It is our privilege to help you in this process. If you’d like support assessing what’s happening in your relationship, call us or find your therapist. Relationships are our specialty.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the most common reason relationships go wrong?
 There’s rarely a single cause. Most relationship difficulties come down to a mix of poor self-awareness, unmanaged emotions, and a breakdown in communication, rather than one dramatic event.

Can a relationship be saved once it starts going wrong?
 Yes, in most cases. Recognising the problem and being willing to look at your own contribution, not just your partner’s, is usually the turning point that makes real change possible.

Is it normal to feel like you’ve lost yourself in a relationship?
 Yes, it’s common, especially in long-term relationships where one or both partners have stopped tending to their own needs, identity, or boundaries. It’s often one of the first signs worth addressing.

How do I know if my relationship problems are about communication or something deeper?
 Communication issues are often the visible symptom of something deeper, like unmet emotional needs, control patterns, or a loss of individual identity within the relationship. A psychologist and therapist can help you tell the difference.